This Tuesday is brought to you by "Things Chelsea Wonders..."
1. Why is January a month? No one even likes January. It's just full of failed resolutions, cold weather, and scraping windshields. There have been plenty of blogs pissing and moaning about January - so I'll just leave it at that. January is a waste of a month. There.
2. How do people enjoy going to the gym? Why am I not one of them? I hate the gym. Smelling it as I walk in makes me want to throw up, and then cry. I have a hard time fathoming how people can skip into that hell of a place and already be counting the hours of when they get to go back. If you're one of these people, I mean no disrespect, but what is your issue? I've always wished that I could become one of those superstar people who is addicted to working out, but I'm just not. Don't get me wrong, I love knowing that I'm being healthy and getting my body in shape - but I would absolutely never dream of listing "working out" as one of my hobbies. Shawn and I have started going to the gym at 5:00 in the morning.....
3. Since when does 5:00 AM exist? You would think I've been sleep deprived for days, the way I drag myself out of bed every morning. There's absolutely no way on God's green earth that I'd be going alone, however. Shawn shows up at my house at 5:10 every morning, just as chipper as can be. I don't know how in the world he does it - maybe once we're married it'll rub off on me... or not. He's a morning person, I'm not. I'm amused to think of the issues this will probably cause. Mornings make me want to punch a baby - pleasant, I know.*
4. Why do people insist on talking LiKe ThIs? C'mon people, are we 12 years old little girls? I didn't think so. TyPiNg LiKe ThIs Is No MoRe AeStHeTiCaLlY pLeAsInG tHaN gRoWn Up TyPiNg. Plus it takes 8 hours longer. Just be normal, okay?
5. Since when did fortune cookies become a gateway for hilarious innuendos? Example: Last night I open my fortune cookie and read out loud the following fortune: "A small lucky package is on its way to you soon." Hilarity ensued among the older people in the house. Shawn didn't find it nearly as amusing as I did.
6. Why is talking on a webcam 48,723,948 times more fun than talking in person? Shawn and I both have webcams and decided it would be amusing to talk on them. Guys, webcams are the freakin' shiz. Everything is 10 times funnier. Besides, I like being able to see when people really 'lol' at me or when they are just being courteous. Research concludes that I think I'm funnier than everyone else does.
7. Why do I still watch The Bachelor when I have plenty of better things to be doing? I really have no answer to this other than I enjoy watching ridiculous drama. The winner has supposedly been leaked - and I hate her, by the way. But I'll still continue to watch, because I'm awesome.
8. Why does the radio give away lame prizes? Sometimes when I'm listening to the radio I'll just hear, "Be the 10th caller and win!" I have absolutely no idea what they're giving away, but I want to win, so I call. The other weekend I won. Which is amazing, because, well... I never win. So I'm doing cheerleading stunts in my mind as the DJ asks me if I have kids... Ah, piece of crap - this prize is going to suck. Turns out I won some "spy kit", which he told me my fiance could play with (sometimes DJs just, aren't funny.) and tickets to that Spy Next Door movie, or whatever. I was so excited, that it's been a week and a half and I still haven't picked up my prize. Oops. Shawn and I are going to "accidentally" go into the wrong theater... But don't worry, we'll have our spy kit handy just in case the theater management is following us.
9. Who is going to make dinner when I'm married? Um... As fate would have it, I'm a worthless cooker. I remember one time calling my dad to ask him how to make french toast - and he was beyond amused. I can make stuff a 5 year old could make, like Ramen, eggs, and sandwiches. But that's about it. My sister/parents gave me a cookbook for Christmas... Maybe that'll help. Shawn and I were feeling rather culinary(ily?) inclined one night, so we made dinner. Observe:
How awesome are we? I realize that this is enough food to feed a homeless clan for a week - but it was goooood. Note our cute/ugly Christmas goblets and romantic mood-setter candle. Oh yeah, we're that good.
10. Why does my fiance love popping my zits? More so, why does he assume that I'm okay with popping his? I love Shawn, I do. But man, I have not passed the "I love you so much I'll pop your zits" threshold. I was going through my pictures and found Shawn going for the kill... A candid zit popping picture - how adorable. This was probably just nanoseconds before I turned around and yelled at him for checking out my zits.
11. Why on earth did the government decide it wanted to give me a special school credit and give me a hella tax return? So I'm just doing my taxes online expecting no less than a $3 dollar return (I got a grand total of $26 from federal last year - because I'm awesome). All of a sudden I type in the information from my school tax form thinger - and WABAM! My return shoots from $500 to $2,700 in 5 seconds. Blessing. This could not have come at a better time. And I'm going to get a little bit religious right now and tell you it is because I paid my tithing - I just know it. Tithing hasn't always been the easiest thing for me, I'm sure everyone has had their moments. But last year, I stayed on top of it - and I couldn't be more pleased with the results. Turns out God isn't lying when he says He'll bless you. That money paid off some debt I had, and will go towards a lot of wedding stuff. Speaking of weddings...
12. Why the heck do weddings cost an arm and a leg? We've been extremely fortunate to have connections to a lot of things like photography, flowers, and announcements. But good glory - things are still really expensive. Clearly I'm in the wrong business...
13. Why do men's wedding rings with diamonds strike me as homosexual? I can't grasp the concept of a men's wedding ring having more than one diamond in it. Shawn picked out his, and it has one teeny tiny small diamond in the middle - which I'm surprisingly okay with, because it looks good. But more than that... What are you? Joining the mafia? No offense meant to anyone... I'm just question men who wear lots of diamonds. That's all.
14. Lastly, who in the crap does this groundhog think he is**? Oh, so you saw your shadow - so we have 6 more weeks of winter - great, just fantastic. That rodent can burn in Hell, as far as I'm concerned.
Okay, really, I could probably keep going in a dire attempt to stay awake. However, I'm going to stop at that. Stay tuned for an enlightening post on why Valentine's Day is almost more lame than the month of January.
*I wouldn't actually ever punch a baby - settle down.
**Apparently this thing's name is Punxsutawney Phil... Um, right.