Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Tale of a Pole Dancer

Once upon a time Miss Kaisa threw me the best bachlorette party ever!  We went to a pole dancing class in Ogden (don't worry, the dance studio is building one in Midvale for our convenience.... So maybe we won't be a half hour late next time.).  The class was many things, but mostly I just found it beyond amusing.  I couldn't stop giggling the entire time to save my life.  We get there and there is some blonde girl with a killer body and booty shorts clear up her crack and hooker heels like I've never seen before.  As soon as I figure out she's going to be teaching us the fine art of pole dancing, I know there is no way I'm going to take this seriously at all.  We get into this dimly lit room, with 6 poles just waiting to be violated.  She begins to explain to us that this a class for "fitness".  Right, and am I supposed to believe that you wear your pretty hot pink slut heels to the gym, too?  She asked us what the occasion was for and I told her I'm getting married, she asked where at and I told her the temple.

"Fitness Instructor":  Oh we get tons of temple girls in here all the time, and they're always a little bit iffy about it - just have fun with it.

Us: Heh... Heh.. Heh..

"Fitness Instructor": I'm a primary teacher.  I even asked my bishop, and he said as long as it was for fitness it was okay.

Us:  Blank stare at the apparently justified hooker primary teacher.

So she tells us to all grab a pole and ready, set, go.  She teaches us how to walk like a stripper.  I mean, like someone who's trying to work out their legs.  (Just in case you're wondering, you walk with the inside of your knee facing outward, in a slow and seductive manner.)  I'm already on the verge of wetting myself because I feel like the biggest tool ever, trying to seduce the pole with the inside of my knees.  Then she starts teaching us the "spins" - oh. my. gosh.  I died of laughter every time she taught us a new one.  First we learned "The Fireman" - creative name, eh?  She turns on some "work out music" (See also: baby making music) and we grab our pole as high as we can and swing our left leg around and hook our feet together and BAM, we're doing The Fireman.  She tells us to do it a bunch of times, because we obviously suck or something - and she's clearly irritated that we're not taking her fitness instructions seriously.  (And by we, I mostly mean I.)  She then teaches us "The Martini", and naturally looks like the most graceful stripper ever when she does it.  Then in all my pole dancing glory I hop on my pole, and attempt The Martini - only to well, fail - and slide down the brass pole with my clammy fat thighs.  Good thing we weren't trying to be sexy or anything, because the noise my thighs and that pole were making, would turn off anyone for a decade.  I tried a few more times, while absolutely laughing my face off.  Then we learned "The Cheerleader"... Enough said.  We practiced all our special spins n' stuff and occasionally I'd make up my own super classy moves.   

Then she announces that we are going to now learn some moves to make us feel more cute and more like a woman!  The great thing about these moves, she told us, is that we could to them on a pole or on a wall!  So you know, when I'm at work and need to burn a few extra calories - I'll just get up and do a stripper grind against the wall - totally professional, right?  Or, if I'm feeling extra manly one day - just find a wall - instant estrogen!  Anyways, she proceeds to show us the most slutty "work out" I've ever seen.  Pretty much consisted of swaying our hips and poking out our rear ends as far as they'd possibly go.  Oh, and in slow motion, you know, because it works the muscles more......  So I violate my pole a little more and feel bad for not buying it dinner first.  Next move:

Step 1: Spread knees
Step 2: Drop it like its hot
Step 3: Get pole in between knees
Step 4: Hump

Okay, so maybe that's not what she called it, but that's what we were doing.  I felt completely immature as I crack up every time a thrust my butt up in the air and images her bishop attending her work out class flash through my mind.  She then combines all the moves we've learned into a "cute little routine".  I might've called it something different, like maybe... foreplay?  (Okay okay, it wasn't that bad... But still.)  So she turns on the song "Rude Boy" (which I hate) 900 times while we learn our cute routine.  I think my favorite part of the routine was when we got to "freestyle" around the pole.  I'll let your imaginations run with that one. 

We finally perfect (or not) our stripper routine and our time is almost up and I hear her say, "Well I'm going to have to take off my shirt to show you these moves."  I'm instantly paranoid that I'm going to have to lose my shirt as well.  So she rips off her shirt so she's just in pretty much underwear and a bra - sporting the most perfectly sculpted abs and most amazing rack ever - instant ego killer.  But then she starts climbing clear to the top of the pole, and does spins and goes upside down, slides down on her stomach - and all sorts of things.  That's what we're in store for if we get to the advanced pole dancing lessons.  I can pretty much 100% assure anyone that if I ever advanced in any pole dancing classes, I would surely die of head trauma or pole burns. 

That about finished our class time, and she took some pictures for us - you'll see those later - and we practiced on the pole she had been using.  And it was a total cheater pole.  It automatically spun - thaaaat's why she looked like the world's greatest stripper and I'm over in the corner slowly sliding down with my sweaty thighs tightly gripping my pole. 

And that, my friends, was my pole dancing experience.  All joking aside, it was really a lot of fun.  I can officially cross pole dancing off two lists: The To Do Before I Die List and What My Secret Talent Isn't List.  We finished off the night eating weenies (See also: Lil' Smokies), Better Than Sex cake, Martinis and chocolate covered strawberries.  Then I opened my gifts, nice and raunchy.  Then we had a little male entertainment, compliments of the male strippers on the movie, The Full Monty.  (We only saw half of the monty, I'm still getting married in the temple, don't worry.)  Then, of course, the night ended with endless pieces of sex and marriage advice.  I appreciate everyone who made the time to come and celebrate with me and help me feel better about my wedding night.  ;o)  Oh, and for Kaisa for throwing such an amazing party!  

In other news, 
I'm getting married in less than 2 days.  

1 comment:

  1. Ha! I would be laughing my face off too. The instructor took it a little seriously, no? She's a cheater with that dang spinning pole anyway. Sounds like you had a great party though!