Sunday, May 30, 2010

Thanks, Animal Planet.

So basically Shawn and I have spent 75% of our weekend thus far watching "River Monsters."  The show consists of this crazy man who goes all over the world catching fish from Hell.  Please observe the reasons I will never get into any natural body of water, ever again

This is a catfish.  Apparently they eat people.  Great.

Looks fairly harmless, right?  This gem of a fish swam up a dude's pee stream and into his manliness. 
Oh, and don't worry that there's a species of this fish (the canidru asu) can bite through any type of flesh, and get inside an organism and eat all the insides.  Yes folks, this includes humans

I'm positive that this one speaks for itself.

Goliath Tigerfish, anyone? 

400 pound stingray.  Good holy {bad word}.

Pretty sure my point has been made.  These sons of {bad word}es now haunt my dreams.  Thank you, crazy lunatic fish catcher on Animal Planet.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Cruise: Sort-of Abridged Version

So this one time I started writing a post about our super neat cruise from this last week... And I wasn't even to day two and it was a tad wordy. So rather than making you read the unabridged account of our Mexican Riviera cruise, I'll give you the highlights. (Note: It may still be long, but I swear it won't be as long as was previously planned.)

-I lost my birth certificate a couple days before we were supposed to leave. Crying, cursing, and gnashing of teeth ensued. Until my husband found it in a folder I had looked in 9 times previously. Don't you love it when that happens? Needless to say I felt like a huge tool when he pulled it out of that stupid {bad word} folder.

-I bought about 29 new sundresses. Okay, not really. But I expanded my dress collection - and was totally thrilled about it.

-Los Angeles was cold. I was concerned we were still in Utah when we landed. The sun was no where in sight. California fail.

-It was brisk for the first day or so of the cruise - that was a little disheartening. The amount of food and sleep I got however, totally made up for the weather.

(I realize this probably doesn't look insanely appetizing - but it was, I swear)

-We ate about 5 ice cream cones a day.

(This is the borderline phallic ice cream cone Shawn got. Mature, I know.)

-We watched at least 2 movies a day. Thank you, TNT.

-We dined nightly at The Gold (or Golden) Pearl - I can't remember which, not that it matters. We had two sweet waiters - Tony and Rasheesh (I have absolutely no idea if I'm spelling that correctly.) The food was pretty good, except it was all fancy pants food. I'm more of a burger and fries type of chick - so when my menu has all this weird deluxe entrees on it, I usually ended up going with whatever pasta was on the menu. My waiter made fun of me. I'm cool.

-The second night was formal night. Pretty super fun to dress up and look pretty. I took a billion pictures just to prove it.

-Puerto Vallarta was our first stop. We pretty much just walked around and looked at everything and got yelled at by Mexicans on every corner wanting to give us a taxi ride or sell us cervezas. Shawn and I got a caricature done by some old Mexican man. (We're making it a tradition to do everywhere we travel... You're jealous.) Naturally, he drew me some colossal mega boobs and gave Shawn some Rico Suave muscles. Needless to say he thought he was hilarious in doing so. We took some pictures by some.... artistic.... statues.

(Oh, husband.)

(This is the Last Supper in sand - pretty neat, eh?)
-After the sun finally decided to make an appearance and we went back to the ship to and basked in its warmth.

-This was only after I had a complete mental breakdown about putting a bikini on. My poor, poor husband. I finally just sucked it up and decided that there were fatter chicks in bikinis than me on the ship, and if I didn't sit down, you couldn't see my rolls as bad.

-My skin fried... in completely random places.

(I realize it doesn't really look all that fried. But it hurt, and that's all that matters.)

-We went and took a nap after dinner with the intention to wake up and go to a show and dance later that night - we ended up waking up at 3 in the morning. This happened on several different occasions. Oops.

-Speaking of the shows, their dancers and singers weren't overly impressive. They were decent, and most certainly better than me. But they sang classic songs from Elvis and The Beatles and such, and totally slutted them up. I'm sure Elvis and company were turning in their graves. It was entertaining and fun, nevertheless.

-Mazatlan was stop numero dos. We took a van, a boat, and then a tractor to get where we were going. When we got on the boat, it smelled like Mexican butthole. It was so completely awful. Just imagine 500 people taking a dump in a room, and that is what this God-forsaken part of Mexico smelled like. I'm such a whiner.

-We finally get to the beach we were trying to get to, and there's a crowd of people on the beach obviously looking at something. We went and checked it out to see what it was... Don't worry that it was an older dude getting CPR. Don't worry that they had already been doing CPR on his for 20 minutes prior to us getting there. Don't worry that there were no emergency medical staff in sight anywhere. Don't worry that he died, and was covered up with towels and left lying on the beach for a good solid half hour. Don't worry that I was crying. Don't worry that they took his body away in a Coca Cola truck. Gosh, way to kill a fun vacation day. There were all sorts of rumors of why he died... Some say he got hit by a body board, some say it was a heart attack, some say it was a stroke. I really don't know. I'm going with heart attack. But it was still really sad. I couldn't stop thinking about how awful that would be for his wife. Note to self, don't die in Mexico.

-Anyways... I finally chippered up and we got on some horses and rode them along the beach. It was SO much fun! Shawn got the crazy horse, who tried running straight into the ocean. The guide caught him and started whipping Shawn's horse so it was running like crazy in a bunch of circles. I about peed my pants laughing. I'm such a good wife.

-Then Shawn and myself and my brother and sister-in-law got on a water weenie - most terrifying thing, ever. I'm alright with riding a water weenie around in a lake. But stick me in the middle of the ocean and I panic like crazy. Good news is, I didn't get eaten by any sharks. Bad news is, I'm probably going to Hell for how much I swore during the ride. Oops.

-We finally got back and there were some amigos with lizards wanting some tips. Shawn was down - but it freaked me out, just a little.

-We came back to our favorite towel animal of the week.

-We got pretty again. Note how red, yet not totally burned my face is.

(My husband is sporting a fake smile, after a series of Chester smiles.)

-By the way, there was an interesting picture right above our toilet...

Does this scream homo to anyone else? Just saying. (If you aren't grasping the fruitiness, the left guy looks like he's sitting on a toilet, and the right guy looks preeeeetty happy about it.)
-Moving along, we got some dancing done. It was totally awesome. I got carded, because apparently I don't look older than 18. Sigh.

-Saw a cheater ex-boyfriend with his wife. That was fun.
-We went to a bunch of shows, comedians, and all that good stuff.

-Had a few more mental breakdowns about my body.
-Our waiters at dinner would do some dancing every once in a while - it was amusing

When you hear Shawn say there's our waiters, Tony is on the left and Rasheesh (my favorite) is on the right. Because I know you really care....

-Final stop was at Cabo - it was probably my favorite place out of the three of them. Mostly because Puerto Vallarta made me feel dirty and I saw someone die in Mazatlan. We shopped around for gifts for our families. Shopping in Mexico, now that is something else. I feel like we ripped off a ton of people, and I sorta felt bad about it. But we got some pretty sweet deals. We met a Mormon guy in one of the shops, and he asked us right off the bat if we were from Utah - the only reason he could tell is because he could see the top of Shawn's garments, and according to him, "no one wears two shirts in Cabo." That was kind of fun. Anyways... We took a water taxi to Lover's Beach, a super pretty beach, by the way.

-We got to the beach and played around for a little while. It was muy divertido! Shawn has absolutely no fear of the ocean... while I on the other hand, I'd prefer to stand back and let him play with deathly waves. Okay, not really. But they're scary, okay?

(One of the only times I'll wear a bikini. Let alone, document the occasion. I'm only posting it so I can finally appreciate it 10 years from now when I really AM fat.)

(Diggin the burn?)
(This picture totally cracks me up. Shawn was being Chester, ocean version.)

-So we almost got hit by a boat... that was fun.  It had a bunch of old Asians in it and they went sideways and came full speed towards Shawn and I with the waves.  One more wave and they would've tipped - as Shawn and I run away slow-motion Baywatch style to avoid getting smashed.

-On the other side of the beach there were some pretty massive waves that no one really dared play in.  I've posted a bunch of videos for your perusal.  They might be boring to you, and if they are, don't watch them.  Easy. 

-There was a guy in a small crevice saying "Cervezas and weed!"  And we said no, and he looked aghast and said, "WEED!!!"  Funny stuff.

-Moving along, (Are you loving that this is the abridged version... Ha.)  we had a day at sea again to come back home.  We did a lot of eating and sleeping.  Woot.  Shawn and I played Bingo and entered a raffle... That was pretty much awesome.  We obviously didn't win.  But it was still fun.  

-Oh, and I almost forgot about Barry.  I have a super huge crush on him.  He played the electric fiddle at one of the shows.  Womanhood stirred.  Super sexy man.  Granted I didn't I have a husband whom I love very much.  I'd tap that.  Boy, oh boy, would I tap that.  (Shawn listened to me talk about Barry for the rest of the cruise, don't worry.)


-We finally got back to the airport, where the stupid {bad word} {bad word} {bad word} security man almost didn't let me through because I only had a temporary license, which was "just a piece of paper" to him.  I gave him my marriage license, my social security card, my birth certificate... and he still wouldn't take it.  Want to know the magical thing that got me through?  My stupid {bad word} health insurance card.  Seriously dude?  You won't let me through with all these legit documents, but I'm good if I have a health insurance card?  {Bad word.}  I was beyond irritated.  Started getting an attitude with him, and he got mad at me.  Oops.  I'm probably on some sort of list at the airport now.  Whatever.  He was a {bad word}.  
Coming back to snow in Utah, well that sucked.  Coming back to work wasn't all that great either.  I miss my vacation, sigh.  However, though I'm not tan... I am a different shade of white.  So that's good.  My body still isn't used to not eating 18,000 million calories a day.  But it's nice to be back in my own bed.  We really had a lot of fun

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I'm On a Boat.

I'm going on a cruise in 3 days.  You probably aren't.  And because I'm a gem, I want to make you sort of jealous.  

5 delightful reasons you should hate me:

1.  I'm absolutely, most positively thrilled to be able to sleep in every. single. day. for a week.
2.  I hear there's dancing on cruises.  I haven't been dancing in ages.  Shawn and I will drop it like it's hot.  And we'll like it.
3.  Infinite food.  Ain't nothin like gorging yourself every hour of every day.  Because when you're in a different country, it doesn't count.
4.  Sun.  Enough with this piece of {bad word} weather.  I want warmth.  I want UV rays.  I want my skin to burn to an absolute crisp.  Okay, so not really.  But we all know that it won't actually tan, so red will do.
5.  No windows in the rooms?  Hello, nap time!

5 not-so-delightful reasons you should like me again:

1.  Um, anyone ever heard of the Titanic?
2.  Getting stranded in Mexico by some fluke of karma, and not being able to get back home because I don't have a passport
3.  Getting eaten by sharks.  Shiver.
4.  You know, the food is grand and all.  But uh, not looking forward to coming back 64 pounds heavier.
5.  My husband making me ride a donkey up a mountain only to ride a scary {bad word} zip line all the way back into the ocean.  Absolutely formidable.

I couldn't help it.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Things You Never Really Wanted to Know

Remember the Facebook craze of writing 20 totally random things about yourself that no one really cares about?  I sort of loved doing that.  Because I sort of love talking about myself - and I'm positive that fact has been made unconditionally clear through this entire blog.  So, since I'm awesome - I'm going to give ya'll a taste of just how dynamic I am.  Really.  You're thrilled, I know.

1. I compare myself to pretty much everybody - and I make myself crazy doing it.
2.  If you make me laugh too hard, and my bladder is full, I will pee my pants.
3. I use a thesaurus when I write my posts to sound more cool and intelligent.
4.  I'm terrified of getting stretch marks.
5.  I may or may not get offended when 60+ people read my post and 0 people comment on it.
6.  I secretly hope the world doesn't sacrifice Justin Bieber to the gods.
7.  I pretend that I don't care what anyone thinks of me.  But I totally do.
8.  I am never satisfied with my body temperature.  It's either too hot or too cold.  Always.
9.  I'm the douche that speeds up just so you can't pass me.
10.  I worry that, by some fluke of nature, my birth control will fail.
11.  I'll go to movies by myself, but can't seem to muster the courage to go to dinner stag.
12.  I haven't always known that Alaska is attached to the continent.
13.  I've never read the Harry Potter books and have absolutely no intention of doing so.
14.  I'm secretly bitter towards people who probably have absolutely no idea that I'm so.
15.  I prefer eavesdropping stranger's conversations than having my own.
16.  I sit on the same side of the table as Shawn when we go out to eat.  Always.
17.  I enjoy being home alone.
18.  I have way too much nose hair.  And chin hair.  And mustache hair.
19.  I worry that I'm completely tone deaf.
20.  I'm sort of nervous our cruise ship is going to pull a Titanic and sink.  Rational fear.

You loved it.  I know you did.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Watch Me Get Famous

So can we just start out with this little gem?

I can't decide if I think this is hilarious, or disgusting.  I'm mostly curious as to how that "talent" surfaced.  And how she gets her kids to stand completely still while she catapults knives at their cute little faces.  Whatever, happy almost Mother's Day!

-Shawn got me a new phone, because I had to forsake my relationship with T-mobile to get with AT&T.  (Most expensive break-up ever.)  Anyways, my phone is completely awesome.  And as if I'm not on the internet enough as it is, I managed to talk Shawn into getting me a data plan so I can stalk people from the comfort of my toilet seat.  Or you know, wherever.  I think I'm mostly excited because I have a "hip" phone.  I usually get the "cool" phone 2 years after it's cool.  Look at me, hip and funky fresh with my totally touch screen.  Giggity.  My husband loves me.

-I have randomly got sucked into the Jazz Playoffs.  Normally I really don't give a flying fart what they win or don't win.  But my word, this is like life or death.  You'd think I'd have gambled my firstborn on the Jazz winning.  I still don't know a whole ton about basketball - like, you know, how foul shots work or that the Nugget's coach used to play for the Jazz.  I swear all that information is like genetically encoded into dude's DNA.  And what is the deal with Carmelo Anthony?  He's a douche as far as I'm concerned.  And remind me of chocolate.  (That was totally not a racist comment, by the way.)


-I realize that blogs aren't nearly as fun without pictures.  Especially blogs as long as mine.  My error.  I'll work on that.

-I went through all my missionary letters the other day.  Some of them were highly amusing.  Others, I'm not really sure what to do with?  How offended would you be if someone gave you back all the letters you wrote them whilst on your mission?  Because I feel like, I probably won't ever read most of them again - aaand, it'll create a better journal for them than for myself.  Shawn said he wouldn't be offended depending on who it is.  "If it is just some random married chick from my past, that'd be okay."  Well, thanks dear.  What do you think?  What about pictures?  I have a {bad word} load of pictures of the same people, that, well.... are really only going to collect dust.  Do I throw them away?  Return them?  People, this is serious stuff.  Help me.

-Am I any less of a person for visiting Wal-Mart 2+ times a week?  Because I sure feel like the greeter judges me every single time I walk in there.  "Welcome to Wal-Mart... [again]."

-We're going on a cruise in 12 days.  Holler.

-I secretly wish I were famous.  You know, a Cinderella story of sorts.  Plain girl goes to Wal Mart, movie producer senses how awesome plain girl as she picks out a series of dollar frozen dinners, movie producer approaches plain girl and asks her to be the star of his next hit blockbuster.  Done.  Only problem is, movie producers probably don't shop at the Sandy Wal Mart... Or Wal Mart period.  {Bad word.}  Okay, so that's probably not the only problem.  But isn't it fun to think about?  You want to be famous too, admit it.

-We bough two pets.  Their names are Burrito and Alfredo.  They are puffer fish... and I think they hate us.  We haven't been telling them we love them daily, as per the crazy fish lady's advice.  That's probably why.

Godspeed, internet.