Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Cruise: Sort-of Abridged Version

So this one time I started writing a post about our super neat cruise from this last week... And I wasn't even to day two and it was a tad wordy. So rather than making you read the unabridged account of our Mexican Riviera cruise, I'll give you the highlights. (Note: It may still be long, but I swear it won't be as long as was previously planned.)

-I lost my birth certificate a couple days before we were supposed to leave. Crying, cursing, and gnashing of teeth ensued. Until my husband found it in a folder I had looked in 9 times previously. Don't you love it when that happens? Needless to say I felt like a huge tool when he pulled it out of that stupid {bad word} folder.

-I bought about 29 new sundresses. Okay, not really. But I expanded my dress collection - and was totally thrilled about it.

-Los Angeles was cold. I was concerned we were still in Utah when we landed. The sun was no where in sight. California fail.

-It was brisk for the first day or so of the cruise - that was a little disheartening. The amount of food and sleep I got however, totally made up for the weather.

(I realize this probably doesn't look insanely appetizing - but it was, I swear)

-We ate about 5 ice cream cones a day.

(This is the borderline phallic ice cream cone Shawn got. Mature, I know.)

-We watched at least 2 movies a day. Thank you, TNT.

-We dined nightly at The Gold (or Golden) Pearl - I can't remember which, not that it matters. We had two sweet waiters - Tony and Rasheesh (I have absolutely no idea if I'm spelling that correctly.) The food was pretty good, except it was all fancy pants food. I'm more of a burger and fries type of chick - so when my menu has all this weird deluxe entrees on it, I usually ended up going with whatever pasta was on the menu. My waiter made fun of me. I'm cool.

-The second night was formal night. Pretty super fun to dress up and look pretty. I took a billion pictures just to prove it.

-Puerto Vallarta was our first stop. We pretty much just walked around and looked at everything and got yelled at by Mexicans on every corner wanting to give us a taxi ride or sell us cervezas. Shawn and I got a caricature done by some old Mexican man. (We're making it a tradition to do everywhere we travel... You're jealous.) Naturally, he drew me some colossal mega boobs and gave Shawn some Rico Suave muscles. Needless to say he thought he was hilarious in doing so. We took some pictures by some.... artistic.... statues.

(Oh, husband.)

(This is the Last Supper in sand - pretty neat, eh?)
-After the sun finally decided to make an appearance and we went back to the ship to and basked in its warmth.

-This was only after I had a complete mental breakdown about putting a bikini on. My poor, poor husband. I finally just sucked it up and decided that there were fatter chicks in bikinis than me on the ship, and if I didn't sit down, you couldn't see my rolls as bad.

-My skin fried... in completely random places.

(I realize it doesn't really look all that fried. But it hurt, and that's all that matters.)

-We went and took a nap after dinner with the intention to wake up and go to a show and dance later that night - we ended up waking up at 3 in the morning. This happened on several different occasions. Oops.

-Speaking of the shows, their dancers and singers weren't overly impressive. They were decent, and most certainly better than me. But they sang classic songs from Elvis and The Beatles and such, and totally slutted them up. I'm sure Elvis and company were turning in their graves. It was entertaining and fun, nevertheless.

-Mazatlan was stop numero dos. We took a van, a boat, and then a tractor to get where we were going. When we got on the boat, it smelled like Mexican butthole. It was so completely awful. Just imagine 500 people taking a dump in a room, and that is what this God-forsaken part of Mexico smelled like. I'm such a whiner.

-We finally get to the beach we were trying to get to, and there's a crowd of people on the beach obviously looking at something. We went and checked it out to see what it was... Don't worry that it was an older dude getting CPR. Don't worry that they had already been doing CPR on his for 20 minutes prior to us getting there. Don't worry that there were no emergency medical staff in sight anywhere. Don't worry that he died, and was covered up with towels and left lying on the beach for a good solid half hour. Don't worry that I was crying. Don't worry that they took his body away in a Coca Cola truck. Gosh, way to kill a fun vacation day. There were all sorts of rumors of why he died... Some say he got hit by a body board, some say it was a heart attack, some say it was a stroke. I really don't know. I'm going with heart attack. But it was still really sad. I couldn't stop thinking about how awful that would be for his wife. Note to self, don't die in Mexico.

-Anyways... I finally chippered up and we got on some horses and rode them along the beach. It was SO much fun! Shawn got the crazy horse, who tried running straight into the ocean. The guide caught him and started whipping Shawn's horse so it was running like crazy in a bunch of circles. I about peed my pants laughing. I'm such a good wife.

-Then Shawn and myself and my brother and sister-in-law got on a water weenie - most terrifying thing, ever. I'm alright with riding a water weenie around in a lake. But stick me in the middle of the ocean and I panic like crazy. Good news is, I didn't get eaten by any sharks. Bad news is, I'm probably going to Hell for how much I swore during the ride. Oops.

-We finally got back and there were some amigos with lizards wanting some tips. Shawn was down - but it freaked me out, just a little.

-We came back to our favorite towel animal of the week.

-We got pretty again. Note how red, yet not totally burned my face is.

(My husband is sporting a fake smile, after a series of Chester smiles.)

-By the way, there was an interesting picture right above our toilet...

Does this scream homo to anyone else? Just saying. (If you aren't grasping the fruitiness, the left guy looks like he's sitting on a toilet, and the right guy looks preeeeetty happy about it.)
-Moving along, we got some dancing done. It was totally awesome. I got carded, because apparently I don't look older than 18. Sigh.

-Saw a cheater ex-boyfriend with his wife. That was fun.
-We went to a bunch of shows, comedians, and all that good stuff.

-Had a few more mental breakdowns about my body.
-Our waiters at dinner would do some dancing every once in a while - it was amusing

When you hear Shawn say there's our waiters, Tony is on the left and Rasheesh (my favorite) is on the right. Because I know you really care....

-Final stop was at Cabo - it was probably my favorite place out of the three of them. Mostly because Puerto Vallarta made me feel dirty and I saw someone die in Mazatlan. We shopped around for gifts for our families. Shopping in Mexico, now that is something else. I feel like we ripped off a ton of people, and I sorta felt bad about it. But we got some pretty sweet deals. We met a Mormon guy in one of the shops, and he asked us right off the bat if we were from Utah - the only reason he could tell is because he could see the top of Shawn's garments, and according to him, "no one wears two shirts in Cabo." That was kind of fun. Anyways... We took a water taxi to Lover's Beach, a super pretty beach, by the way.

-We got to the beach and played around for a little while. It was muy divertido! Shawn has absolutely no fear of the ocean... while I on the other hand, I'd prefer to stand back and let him play with deathly waves. Okay, not really. But they're scary, okay?

(One of the only times I'll wear a bikini. Let alone, document the occasion. I'm only posting it so I can finally appreciate it 10 years from now when I really AM fat.)

(Diggin the burn?)
(This picture totally cracks me up. Shawn was being Chester, ocean version.)

-So we almost got hit by a boat... that was fun.  It had a bunch of old Asians in it and they went sideways and came full speed towards Shawn and I with the waves.  One more wave and they would've tipped - as Shawn and I run away slow-motion Baywatch style to avoid getting smashed.

-On the other side of the beach there were some pretty massive waves that no one really dared play in.  I've posted a bunch of videos for your perusal.  They might be boring to you, and if they are, don't watch them.  Easy. 

-There was a guy in a small crevice saying "Cervezas and weed!"  And we said no, and he looked aghast and said, "WEED!!!"  Funny stuff.

-Moving along, (Are you loving that this is the abridged version... Ha.)  we had a day at sea again to come back home.  We did a lot of eating and sleeping.  Woot.  Shawn and I played Bingo and entered a raffle... That was pretty much awesome.  We obviously didn't win.  But it was still fun.  

-Oh, and I almost forgot about Barry.  I have a super huge crush on him.  He played the electric fiddle at one of the shows.  Womanhood stirred.  Super sexy man.  Granted I didn't I have a husband whom I love very much.  I'd tap that.  Boy, oh boy, would I tap that.  (Shawn listened to me talk about Barry for the rest of the cruise, don't worry.)


-We finally got back to the airport, where the stupid {bad word} {bad word} {bad word} security man almost didn't let me through because I only had a temporary license, which was "just a piece of paper" to him.  I gave him my marriage license, my social security card, my birth certificate... and he still wouldn't take it.  Want to know the magical thing that got me through?  My stupid {bad word} health insurance card.  Seriously dude?  You won't let me through with all these legit documents, but I'm good if I have a health insurance card?  {Bad word.}  I was beyond irritated.  Started getting an attitude with him, and he got mad at me.  Oops.  I'm probably on some sort of list at the airport now.  Whatever.  He was a {bad word}.  
Coming back to snow in Utah, well that sucked.  Coming back to work wasn't all that great either.  I miss my vacation, sigh.  However, though I'm not tan... I am a different shade of white.  So that's good.  My body still isn't used to not eating 18,000 million calories a day.  But it's nice to be back in my own bed.  We really had a lot of fun


  1. We had a guy in Cancun ask us if we were LDS because he saw me do the 'garment bottom adjust'. It was funny. Everyone else was in tank tops and short shorts, and bob and i had our good ol' modest clothing on. Bob and I were trying to spot LDS couples in Disneyland. Good times.

  2. How fun!!! That picture with the ice cream is awesome. Looks like a make-shift wig or something ;) And cute bikini!! I got one like that... I was thinking, "If they sell XXL bikinis, I can wear one (at least in Hawaii) and not feel bad about it." Haha. Gotta love our female brains. You look fabulous!

  3. Wow.. I am so jealous! I would love to go on a cruise one day. It seems like you had a ton of fun, despite the not-so-fun happenings. Btw, you have other people telling you this, but you are NOT fat, whatsoever. You are SO pretty, and it's awesome that you got to take such a nice vacation. :) Oh, and Cali isn't as great as they play it up to be, haha.

  4. Your blog is really funny, I like reading it. Mostly the (bad words). haha
    Looks like you had fun on the cruise! You guys are cute.

  5. it looks like you had a really great time

    i found you from the SITS non mommy blog article

  6. You guys are totally cute, and I was cracking up at various bits of this post. Sounds like you had a fun time though, woo! ;D

    And I, too, ventured over from that SITS thread. =)