Thursday, June 10, 2010

A Heavy Post

       The other night I had a complete meltdown.  News?  Not really.  Direct result of birth control, probably.  Was it centered around the fact that I'm having the hardest time in the world loving myself, mostly.  I realize that sounds totally and completely despondent - but I can't help but admit it's true.  I can't, for the life of me, accept my body.  Now, I'm not asking for a chorus of "You have a great body, stop complaining!"  Yes, I know it could be plenty worse - to the tune of being a 1200 pound bed-bound woman for the rest of my mortal life.  I kid.  But seriously... What is it with girls and having such body image issues?  I feel so completely bi-polar when it comes to liking my body.  Some days I'm like, "Hell yeah!  I'm foxy!"  And other days I look in the mirror and all I can see is the mass of cottage cheese in my butt and the rolls of flab on my belly that seem to be forming right before my very own eyes.  

       The part that mostly pisses me off, is I don't seem to have motivation to fix it.  My motivation comes in little poofs of, "I'm going to work out every day this week!" Or, "I'm not going to eat junk food for a week!"  And the next thing you know I'm smearing an entire bag of Famous Amos cookies all over my face while I watch some pointless TV show (read: The Bachlorette.)  I don't know why I feel so motivation-less.  I was telling Shawn that sometimes I feel like, so often I sit and do absolutely crap nothing at work - that when I get home I'm like, "Well, I haven't done anything productive all day, why start now?"  How does that add up?  Wouldn't you think sitting on my ass all day would make me want to go home and run around the block 784 times?  Apparently not.  

       I fear getting big.  I don't want to be that girl that people from high school see and are like, "Good holy crapper, that girl has put on the pounds!"  (Clearly I'm still rather unreasonably worried with what people think about me.)  I've gained about 15 pounds since high school.  I see pictures and videos of myself and I can tell I'm bigger.  Which happens, I get that.  But I refuse to be that person that just more or less, "lets themselves go."  I understand that eventually I'm going to have babies... and most likely gain weight.  I guess my issue is motivation.  I don't want to have babies, gain weight, then do nothing to try and get rid of the weight.  I need to retain these little spurts of motivation I have, and it's hard - because, well, I loathe the gym.  I loathe running.  I don't like a vast majority of the food that's technically healthy for you to eat.  

Mostly I've just been really frustrated with myself.  I asked Shawn for a blessing.  And let me tell you, that will get anyone's motivation going.  The Spirit is a mighty strong thing.  I thank the Lord every day that I have a husband who is so in tune with the Spirit and can give me another resource to communicate with my Father in Heaven - that's what's missing.  If I keep the spirit with me, I will stay healthy.  Even if I do put on some weight, I will still be healthy and able to do all the things which the Lord has set out for me.  The Lord wants to help me, and He wants me to love myself.  I know I can do that through Him.  Nothing is more motivating than knowing that I've been blessed with a body, and the opportunity to use it to serve the Lord with all my heart, mind, and strength.  I have divine qualities that I've been blessed with, and I may not have Megan Fox's body - but my personality would kick her butt any day.  I know I'll be able to see myself the way my husband, my family, and the Lord sees me - as I draw closer to my Heavenly Father's Spirit.

On a lighter note... in my effort to stay healthy I:
-Bought an buttload of fruit at Costco.  And am experiencing the gassiest moments of my entire life.  Thank you, fiber.
-Purchased P90X.  That may or may not kill me.  But do not fear, because there will be whiny updates about my ensuing death.
-Trying to run outside more than on the treadmill.  This is half due to the fact that my new Gold's Gym doesn't have a movie room.  What Gold's Gym doesn't have a movie room?!  Depressing.  Nevertheless, I still feel like an 800 pound asthmatic when I run outside.  But I'll get there.
-Won't eat as much as my husband.  Someone once told me that the key to not gaining weight is to not eat as much food as your husband.  Boy that couldn't be farther from the truth.  Shawn can eat 5 hamburgers and it goes straight to the toilet - as opposed to straight to his thighs, butt cheeks, and abs.  Sometimes being a boy would be grand.

That was a heavy (no pun intended - baha) post guys - sorry!  

Cheerio, Internet.


  1. I think you're on the right track: focus on health, not weight. Sadly, it seems the pressure to look a certain way never goes away, until you're like 50 when you stop giving a crap about it. You know, I'm "technically" obese - haha, and I'm running the freaking Wasatch Back! Screw you BMI chart!
    (Oh, and don't complain about your weight in front of your husband - totally unsexy. It infuritates Ed. I'll do it for validation and it totally backfires. So yeah, if you gain a couple pounds, be like, "yeah, I just lost some weight!" and they will totally not know the difference.)

  2. You're too funny. It's hard to not get down on ourselves, I have a problem with motivation too, I'm working on it. I think my main problem is, that whatever the case is, I want instant gratification. Usually a candybar will do better at that then exercise lol.

  3. i have to admit that i just had a similar break down to jason a few days ago about self esteem struggles. nice to know i'm not the only one who has random bipolar breakdowns about not being a super model.

  4. What girl can't relate to that!? Best wishes to you two on your p90x quest as well. If it's as hard for you as it is for me, you will need it. You go girl!

  5. Okay, I struggle with this too. And motivation is not my strong suit. Well, that's not so true. What's true is that I am an all or nothing girl. So I am either really lazy or I'm doing a million things. I will go to the gym every day, or not at all. It's not the balance I think I should be aiming for.

    I am trying to loose some weight right now and I'm so discouraged at times. I keep trying to think of the end result but I just want to be there now.

    I think it helps to find a buddy that will do things with you. I have a friend that goes on weekly walks with me. It's not a lot but it helps. I also do a yoga class that another friend of mine teaches.

    It's hard to be happy about our bodies one hundred percent of the time. I think it's great that you at least have those "foxy" moments. I try to relish in those. Every once in awhile I'll look in the mirror and be pleasantly surprised. That's something, right?

    I can't wait to hear about P90X, I've heard it really helps. Good luck!

  6. Look, I am just like you. My wife tells me sometimes I am more of a woman than she is. I look in the mirror and talk about how fat I am and this and that. Then I work out hard core and feel great. I stopped drinking 2 years ago- still fat, no cokes - still fat.

    Then I ask myself, am I healthy and does Tracy love me, do my kids love me? YES.

    Look you can be unhappy, but what good is that going to do you? You can not like yourself or the way you look, what does that do? Nothing. Does your husband love you? Im sure. Is he happy with you being you? Im sure. Now get your ass up and get that pep in your step and kick your own ass and be happy.