Monday, June 7, 2010

Mustache Hair, Nut Shots, & Menopause

I don't have much of anything important to say (do I ever?) but nevertheless...

-I have only had one more dream about being killed since my last post.  Except this time, I was... wait for it... a lion.  A lion.  More specifically, I was Mufasa and Scar was chasing me.  Um, hello.  I haven't watched The Lion King for a good solid 15 years - I'm pretty sure.  Translate that one.  It's amazing what my brain thinks up in my dreams.  My favorite is having dreams about my junior high crushes - post marriage.  Not.  Talk about awkward... Not to mention feeling totally guilty for holding hands with my junior high hearth throb.  More wife points for me.

-I've found that one of the more attractive benefits of marriage is the fact that I can bum around my house in underwear, or completely butt naked - and feel totally okay with it.  So there Shawn and I were sitting, wearing... well, mostly nothing - and watching TV.  (And yes, for all you naysayers that IS what we were doing.)  When all of a sudden someone knocks on the door.  Absolute sheer panic washes over both of our faces, because hello, we were definitely not wearing very many clothes.  And who ever comes to our house unannounced?  It wouldn't have been as big of a deal if the TV wasn't up so that whoever was on the other end of the door could hear it.  So naturally, I'm trying to get all my clothes off the floor and onto my body.  I manage to not put a bra on.  My dear husband manages to not put any underwear on.  After probably the longest two minutes ever, we compose ourselves and answer the door to three dudes in suits.  Good holy {bad word} - what an awesome time for the bishopric to show up.  (I finally used my grade A deductive reasoning skills and figured out they were the Elder's Quorum Presidency, totally not as bad.)   So we're obviously totally flushed when we answered the door.  And that was quite possibly the most awkward moment of my married life, ever.  We let them in and Shawn ever so discreetly swipes up the classy display of store-brand lube that only refined people have sitting on their coffee tables.  We sit across from them, me paranoid that my lack of bra is totally exposing R.T..  Shawn crosses his leg, only to quickly uncross it, concluding that he just gave the entire Elder's Quorum Presidency a nut shot.  It was a good visit, however.  I couldn't stop giggling to myself though.  As soon as they left we were both laughing hysterically.  It's maybe one of those location things that you just had to be there to understand the humor of it - because I guess now all I've left you with is fleeting images of myself and my husband nakedly scurrying to answer a door.  My bad.  :)    

-Shawn and I had a defining moment in our marriage when he tweezed a mustache hair off my face.  I've never felt like more of a woman.  
-I went on my first outside run of the year with Shawn.  Ain't nothin' gonna make me feel like a fat piece of lard like running outside.  I seriously don't know what my issue is.  I can run on a treadmill, not much of a problem.  However, stick me outside and I'm instantly gasping for air - and, not to mention whining about how hot it is.  I always feel bad that Shawn runs - ahem - walks by my side - because he's running the Wasatch Back in a couple of weeks and the Bryce Canyon half-marathon in July - and could use the training.  But bless his heart, he's the world's most patient husband and says he'll walk with me until I become the "Batman of running."  (His metaphors are just about as awesome as he is.)

-We got Lagoon Season Passes.  That's a first.  Maturity levels instantly plummet as soon as you enter that park.  I think my fear of heights has increased since being there last.  I can't stop thinking of ways that the rides could possibly result in death.  Paranoid much?  That said, I am excited to have a season pass.  I feel like a totally legit 15 year old.  (Speaking of 15-year-olds, is it me, or are kids getting scarier and scarier looking?  Perhaps I'm already senile.)

-Shawn and I bought Wii Play (which usually comes with most Wiis)  for 3 bucks.  If you'd like to see a husband and wife get over competitive at the most trivial of things - let Shawn and I play on your Wii.  When I beat Shawn, if you didn't know any better, you'd have thunk I murdered and ate his beloved cat, Mav.  I tried to be cool about it - but with him getting so competitive, it was totally hard not to gloat.  Once he actually figured out how to play the games, he'd start winning.  (I'm awesome and wouldn't tell him how to play.  Cheat much?)  There's this stupid tank game where you try to shoot all the bad tanks.  Yeah, we played that one a grand total of 43 times.  Only because we couldn't beat this certain level, and because we failed every time, we had to start over every time.  No joke here.  We're that awesome.  

-I really think I have a serious problem maintaining a constant body temperature.  I'm constantly asking Shawn to turn the AC on and off.  Perhaps I'm going through menopause - because that would make sense.

-Cough.  So I may or may not be watching The Bachlorette.  And is it just me, or do all the dudes pretty much seem like tools?  With the exception of maybe Roberto (every time I hear his name the Alejandro song resonates countless times in my mind.  Thank you, Lady Gaga.)  He seems decent.  I basically want to buy a pack of Huggies for the Weatherman (I did actually like him at first, but he's rubbing me the wrong way after last episode.)  Craig M. was completely sauced, all. the. time. - wasn't sad to see him go.  Justin is a complete and utter tool.  Entertainment wrestling?  No offense, but seriously?  And Kasey... what in the {bad word} is wrong with his voice?  I can not take him seriously.  Oh, and I sort of want to ultimate punch Ali whenever she giggles/laughs.  Barf.  And those are my strongest opinions on that train wreck of a show.  

-Speaking of TV, Glee.... is getting a little weird.  Just saying.

Aaaaand cut.

Godspeed, internet.




  1. I love how random you are. It makes me feel better about how random I am.

  2. I think you should invite the EQ pres to view your blog. Enlightening as always :)

  3. Why on earth is your LUBE ON YOUR COFFE TABLE! Unless... oh wait, nevermind...

  4. Sad thing is....we've pretty much had the same thing happen to us with people visiting unannounced. ha ha

  5. we secretly like the bachelorette. the weatherman has put us into hysterical fits of laughter from the beginning. and we call kasey muppet man because of his weirdo voice. some quality, classy entertainment right there.

  6. I may be watching The Bachelorette too and I feel so bad for the Weatherman, he's kind of lame. I feel bad saying that though.

    Um... we've gotten way into wii too and it's not good for us. I am competitive and I like to gloat. I'll leave it at that.

    That naked story was awesome! I can't even imagine.

  7. The underwear story is hysterical! Especially flashing them when he crossed his legs. I have dreams that I'm late for an exam, and I graduated college 10 years ago.