Thursday, July 8, 2010

Bete Noire

Remember that one time I graced ya'll with my Facebook Pet Peeves?  Well as I sat on the toilet, unduly annoyed that no one had bothered to refill the empty toilet paper roll, I realized that I have so many more pet peeves to offer up.  And since the first go-round was so dang fun (and since I have absolutely nothing better to post about), lets talk about my life pet peeves.  

Shall we?

1.  Men (or anyone, really) who complain that they eat and eat and eat but they just can't gain weight.  Seriously?  Do I even need to explain why this irks me to no end?  No, not really.  I'll let my thighs and ass do the talking.

2.  People who use "How are you?" as a form of "Hello" in passing without even bothering to hear the answer.  Not that the answer would be anything but "Good" or "Fine" - no one is going to gush to the grocery store clerk about their horrible, piss-awful day.  Random people don't really care how you're doing 98% of the time.  

3.  Telemarketers in general just drive me bonkers.  But it's the telemarketers that continue to call back after I've hung up on them several times.  Clearly I am not interested in what you have to offer.  And you calling back to tell me I'm a lousy waste of space really isn't going to change my mind.

4.  Men who announce, "We're pregnant!"  Um, are you sharing a uterus?  I didn't think so.  Your wife is pregnant.  You are the sperm donor.

5.  People who say "I could care less."  Really now?  That's less effective.  I couldn't care less.  Be smart.

6.  You know when you're sitting in a class and the teacher erases the board?  You know those couple tiny lines that they manage to not erase?  Talk about OCD flareup.  The only thing I can concentrate on is the marks that weren't erased.  The rest of anything the teacher says is shot to Hades.

7.   I realize I've mentioned this all sorts of times throughout this blog.  But I really just can't stand bad spellers.  Sure, the occasional slip up is kosher.  But when you're misspelling words you should have learned in third grade - that's just not okay.  Buy a dictionary.

8.  If I'm telling a joke, and you say the punch line... we aren't friends anymore.

9.  So there you are driving along when the person in front of you decides they want to make a right hand turn - causing you to slam on your breaks, take a small nap, clip your fingernails, and wash your hair while you wait for them to execute said turn.  Turning should take 2 seconds - not 5 hours.

10.  Husband, I love you.  But beanies belong in Winter - not Summer.

11.  Bikers that piss and moan that they have the same rights as cars - but don't follow the laws of traffic.  Bikers in general just sort of irritate me.  Especially when they act as if they own the road.  Not cool.

12.  If I call you, and you don't answer - don't immediately return my call with a text.

13.  Along the same lines, if you call me and don't leave a message - don't expect me to call you back.

14.  Personalized license plates.  I just really don't think they're all that clever.

15.  Small talk.  I hate it.  Especially when it's constantly centered around the weather.  Please, just don't speak.

16.  If you're going to eat a banana, kindly remove yourself from my presence and eat it elsewhere.  The sound of chewing bananas makes me want to strangle a puppy.

17.  Wrinkly clothes.  Whether it's on me, my husband, or Joe Schmoe at the store.  It bugs.

18.  People who don't offer up a courtesy wave after butting in line in traffic are just rude.

19.  Giggly girls.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  The chicks that laugh at everything in the annoying high pitched TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEEEEEEEEEE. 

20.  Pronouncing the word creek like crick.  Dammit, Utah.

Wow, this chick sure is bitter at a lot of crap.  Maybe she should lighten up a little bit - she isn't all that perfect either. 

Lest you think I am a perfect hypocrite - here's some things I do that I'm certain annoy the daylights out of people and render me a giant walking pet peeve:

1.  I chug milk.

2.  Oh, and I double dip.

3.  I'm the girl the wipes hair strands on the walls of the shower.

4.  I'm pretty much never on time.

5.  If I know you're trying to pass me, I'll speed up so you can't.

6.  I taste food with my eyes.  If I hate it, I won't eat it.

7.  I snore.  (Sorry, husband.)

8.  I'm blame everything I possibly can on birth control.

9.  I make illegal U-turns.

10.  I eat with my elbows on the table.

11.  I fart in elevators.

12.  I complain about being fat.

13.  I sit on the same side of the booth as my husband at restaurants.

14.  See #2 in the first section.

15.  I ask people how married life is.  (I still don't understand why this is so annoying to people?  Sometimes people can't think of anything more clever or appropriate to ask a newlywed couple.  Why is that such an issue?)

16.  I read celebrity gossip. And like it.

17.   I change songs as soon as I get bored of them - which happens a lot.

18.  I embarrass people on purpose.

19.  I tail people in hopes that they'll either drive faster or get out of my lane.

20.  I write obnoxiously long lists about pet peeves.  :)  

You still like me, right?



  1. Ok, where do we start?

    1. I caomplain like a woman about losing the weight

    4. Women who announce "WE ARE FIXED" UH, no he clipped my nuts

    14. UH8US

    17. Yeah for wrinkles

    Now for your other list

    4. So is my wife

    5. Thats wrong

    7. couch

    8. dont all of you

    11. sorry husband

    12. Im such a woman, i do too

    13 Why?

    17. oh god, so does my wife

    18. I do too

    20. Yes this was long

    Thinking about the last question. Im more a fan of your husbnds now or putting up with all of this shit

  2. Bahahaha! Nice rebuttle.

    I seem to think it's fairly miraculous that anyone would put up with all that. Points for Shawn!

  3. Ha, I swear you're awesome. K, the one that bugs me most is the "could care less..." Ugh. Even my 9 year old kid uses the term correctly, and he's corrected people in past years too. Ha awesome.

  4. I love your lists, Chelsea. So, do you hate grammar errors like spelling errors?

  5. I leave lots of hair on the shower walls. And every few days I swirl it into a nice ball in preparation for throwing it away. It never actually gets thrown away for another week or so when the hair ball has tripled in size.

    I think I'm going bald with all that hair on the shower wall.

  6. I"m NEVER on time either. EVER.

    And I fart while teaching (elementary school) and I find it pretty much hilarious.

    I like your style!

  7. Weather talkers make me nutso. There's a lady on my way to the bus. She comments EVERYTIME I see her on the weather. I know about the weather lady. I'm out here walking in it.

  8. I know that these are your pet peeves and I love you so I shouldn't really care, but I'm bored so I thought I would comment. I actually want to give a shout out to the dads that announce, "We are pregnant!" With every baby and every loss my husband has been through every second of it right along with me. I wouldn't want him to announce it any other way. He is so much, oh so much, more than just a sperm donor. I hope you get the blessing of knowing that someday!

  9. I'm so sorry if I offended you, Maren! The sperm donor comment was more of a sarcastic remark, I should maybe learn how to tone it down sometimes. I realize that men play a much deaper role than just that. I guess I'm just taking it a little more literally for now, since I've never actually experienced it. I imagine if and when I get there, the meaning will change a bit. I had no intentions of disrespecting men who support their wives through pregnancy - I think they are wonderful for doing so.

  10. Your previous comment had a spelling error :)

  11. Haha. I totally noticed that after I posted it, but was too lazy to repost. Ah, the irony.

  12. Haha. I love (and agree with) so many things about this post. Especially 5 - I correct that one all the time. Common sense! And spelling & grammar - bugs me too (when it's wrong)... number 4 made me laugh - so true. 11 - happened this morning, I was like, "Really biker????" Okay, I could go on. Good post though.

    Also - I totally speed up so cars can't pass me either, haha. Then I say the line from Titanic "I always win, Jack." because he's so smug, and I always feel a little jerky (yet powerful) in those moments. Funny.

  13. I'll add a few of my own...

    #45. Texting drivers. Don't try and hide it and act all casual. I know why you're driving like a moron.

    #46. Public grooming, including but not limited to: picking your nose, cleaning your ears, picking at skin, popping zits, biting fingernails, etc. Yes, I can see you.

    #47. It bears repeating: people who don't do "thank you" waves.

    #48. People who don't flush, or leave unsavory "evidence".

    #49. Kids who wake me up in the middle of a nap to ask me if they can have some gum. Seriously.

    #50. People that weigh less than 140 lbs that complain about their weight. (sorry, chels.) Stay tuned for the Mormon Mom Manifesto where I officially come to terms with my size.

  14. You should go drive in Scotland... EVERYONE does the cursory wave. It was literally one of my favorite things about Scotland!!! It is so cute. sigh

  15. OK, now I have to follow you. not that that's bad. you know what I hate? When i'm trying to hit the shift key to capitalize my words properly and it doesn't take. I'm too lazy to fix it, so there it is. But I still hate it.

    And I was honestly beginning to think that I was the only person on Earth who knew that the correct use of that phrase was, "couldn't" care less. When i hear people say it the other way I automatically label them a moron.