Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Sorry in Advance

So this one time the better of 2 hours talking myself out of throwing my computer monitor out the window trying to make my blog look pretty, only to end up with the same old white piece of turd.  Who can make it look pretty for me?  (Without charging me an arm and my firstborn to do so, preferably.)  I'm tired of using Cutest Blog on the Block, and all those fru-fru websites.  My blog is not the cutest blog on the block when every chick and her cat have the same gay polka-dot layout.  (No offense to you fellow polka-dotters.)  But seriously, I want something that is my page.  I don't need an explosion of designs, just something plain, simple, and Chelsea.  So until that happens, you are going to get a white background.  That's simple, I guess.

Anyways, I don't actually have anything noteworthy to blog about... But I guess I could try and wring out a few things.

-As you saw in my previous post, we spent our holiday weekend painting every single freaking ceiling in the house we bought.  I farumphed around a majority of the time mumbling that we should just buy a damn paint sprayer - apparently painting isn't one of my strong points.  We still have a few more things to do before we actually move in.  And by "we", I mean my husband and his company.  I still have to help paint, at least it's walls this time around.  We're getting new carpet all throughout the house, granite counter tops, new tile in the bathroom, prettier cabinets, prettier fireplace... You know, stuff that I wanted fixed before we moved in, because I'm a princess.  The best part about the house is that it has a basement apartment in it - so we'll be renting that out for a little while. Wee.

-We didn't even finish watching the Men Tell All episode of the Bachelorette last night.  It was that lame.  (Well that, and Shawn had to get up at the butt crack of dawn to work in the morning.  Ah, the life of a roofer.)

-(This is a major TMI bullet.  You were warned.)  So I took a long overdue trip to the waxer over the weekend.  After finishing the regular song and dance, she tried to talk me into getting... wait for it... a butt crack wax.  Whaaaaaa?  Since when do people wax their cracks?!  She went on some rant about how everyone has butt crack hair, and people who say they don't are lying.  And because part of me sort of wanted to be in on the "Hair Free Crack Club" and because I apparently can't say no to ladies with hot wax around my special areas, I gave in. I am positive I completely lost every ounce of dignity I ever had when the butt crack shenanigans went down.  (If you are done hearing about my hairy butt crack, feel free to move on to the next bullet.  This next mental image is not for those who are easily grossed out.  Seriously.)  I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and that's when she told me to get into fetal position on my side, knees to my chest  and when her nose was practically in my butt hole, she told me to lift my cheek with my right hand.  Oh. my. gosh.  I've never been more mortified in my entire life.  I immediately asked her what would happen if I accidentally let go of my cheek (because at this point I'm totally sweating bullets, and it's slippery).  And yes, my ass would have been glued completely shut.  So there I was, holding onto my right butt cheek for dear life (because I could not for the life of me imagine having to show up at the ER  to get my cheeks plied apart.)  And it was done, just like that.  Completely hair-free.  I don't even know what the benefits to a hairless crack are.  The only thing I've noticed is that my flatulence is way louder.  More room for vibrations, I guess.  Seriously.  I realize none of you asked to hear about this.  But, now that I can actually laugh about that one time I lost my dignity on the waxer's table, I wanted it documented.  You know, for future spawn, who will totally care about mom's hairy butt.

-Remember how I thought I was super bad ass for doing P90X?  Yeah.  That didn't last.  But, it's not because we couldn't do it.  It's because we just didn't have enough time in the day.  Those things take upwards an hour and a half.  Well Chels, why don't you just do it in the morning?  Oh.  Because I would rather swallow a stapler than drag my sorry self out of bed at 3:30am to get my butt whooped by Tony Horton.  Just saying.  I feel super gay for having to admit defeat, but we'll stick to running for now.  We'll try again in Winter when Shawn doesn't have to wake up at God-forbidden hours.

-Life is good.  I've heard that I'm too negative on here (Hi, mom!)  But really, it's good.  Things are turning out the right way, and the things that aren't, I get over.  I have an amazing husband, family, and we're financially in a place where we can get a house.  That ain't too shabby for Chelsea. 

-I really do love this blogging thing.  It totally keeps my self esteem where it should be.  Thanks for being nice to me, Internet.  Even though I tell you gross stories about my butt crack.

Happy Tuesday, Internet! 




  1. Congrats on the new house! and, uh, your new experience. I'm all for new adventures, but that pretty picture you painted is one I think I'll skip out on. You seriously crack me up, though! And for that, I have given you a little sumpthin sumpthin over at my blog.

    Have a great day!

  2. If you do find a designer who does something other than pin-up girls, cartoons and polka dots, please share the knowledge because I'm having an awful time finding someone to do my site.

    And man, I hate painting so. Much. SO MUCH!!! I generally insist on hiring painters because I seriously fear for the state of our marriage should I get stuck in a small room with my husband and a paint roller.

  3. I need to let you know that I am totally laughing my ass off right now! Funny funny story about the butt crack hair....

    And congrats on the house! Painting is such a chore...

  4. I just can't even comment on this because I'm afraid I'd go too far. But suffice it to say - I love your blog, even if it is white and not quite screaming "CHELSEA!"

  5. Bwahaha girl you are hilarious!
    Butt-crack wax... hehe :)

    And I'm a polka-dot girl, so watch it :)

    (I recommend Simplee Stated Designs on Etsy - it was $25 and simple)

  6. I'm still trying to stop laughing from the waxing ass crack bit. Oh man. That's just too funny.

    I wish I knew about better blog layouts. Mine do sucketh quite a bit. I've experimented with what Blogger has to offer, but that's a whole lot of nothing. If you find something, let me know.

  7. oh my gosh Chels! I seriously almost peed my pants from laughing so hard! You are awesome! Miss ya!

  8. Absolutely hilarious!! Why didn't God bless me with such a fantastic comical ability like he did you?

    I know about the painting crap. We painted every ceiling, wall, and closet in the upper portion of our house, tiled the bathroom and kitchen, new countertops, new cabinets, epoxied the basement, and changed all the carpet. MISERABLE!!! But nice now. Congrats.

  9. ok. best post ever. you are hilarious.

  10. Um, be careful when that crack hair grows back in. You might not be repeating it.

  11. That butt crack story is the best butt crack story ever! And, being in a house full of boys, I actually have something to compare it to, so that is a BIG compliment.

    Also, I actually was at a salon once and saw "anal bleaching" as one of their services. Apparently for those whose butt cracks have already been waxed, they want that part to be perfectly baby-pink again.

    How's that for way too much information?

    I did not get it done, by the way.

  12. K so I know we talked like 10 times in high school and I'm totally one of those creepers that blog stalks, but yours is so funny and keeps me very entertained at work. And I just have to comment on your crack wax! I'm in school right now at Elase and I wax people all the time and I love making them all uncomfortable about the crack wax, it's so funny to see how people react when I tell them to roll over and get on all fours haha. So just some reassurance.. you're not alone and it's very normal lol
    Thanks for entertaining me! :)

  13. OMG! Chelsea thank you so much for making me pee my pants at work! Your writing style, and stories crack me up. :) Where is your new house at? Do you need renters, or do you already have someone?

  14. Gentri - You make your clients get on all FOURS? Oh my hell. I would die.

    Piage - Our new house is in Taylorsville. We MIGHT have someone for the basement, but they'd probably only be there for 5-6 months. But I'm not totally sure.

  15. I came over from BlogFrog, and this post... made me spit tea!

    Some girlfriends and I were talking butt crack waxing a few weekends ago, and I gotta say I had NO CLUE it even existed. I consider myself pretty savvy, but wow! You are more woman than me. :D