Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Dentist Makes Me Want to Die. Sort Of.

Today I have to go to the dentist.  I abhor the dentist.  (Thank you, Thesaurus.)  I could list a whole crap load of things I'd rather do than make a trip to the dentist office.  Like, eating a stapler - or wiping my butt with sand paper - or wading through the Amazon River - or licking the sidewalk.  I imagine you get my drift.  When I imagine Hell, I imagine lots of mouth drills, fluoride, and bad waiting room music.  Seriously.  I realize dentists are (some version of) good in the long run - but still, they make my spine crawl for all sorts of reasons.  If you think I'm about to go list crazy on your toosh, dear Internet - you are so, so right. 

In no particular order, reasons I don't particularly like detest going to the dentist.

1.  Is it me, or do all dental hygienists look like Barbies?  Not to mention they naturally have an exquisite set of chompers.  I guess my self esteem is just so, that being surrounded by hot chicks with perfect teeth makes me a tiny bit uncomfortable.  I instantly feel like they are going to judge my teeth, and have full blown Relief Society conversations about them as soon as I leave.  Paranoid much?

2.  You know that massive magnifying glass that the dentist has, that has 846 magnifiers?  Talk about feeling uncomfortable and judged.  As if seeing my less-than-perfect teeth isn't enough, he now gets to inspect all the impurities on my face as well.  So that's 2 cavities, and 84 blackheads.  Great.

3.  Having my mouth wide open with all sorts of goodies floating around in there, making it impossible for me to swallow - sort of gives me anxiety.  

4.  Why do dental people try talking to you when they have all their metal crap shoved clear down your throat?  Do they think it's funny?  Is it really necessary to ask me how my day is?  Clearly, I'm having the most superb day of my life - you know, with you drilling the shite out of my teeth.  Can't get enough of that.  But seriously, unless you want half-crapped gurgles that are kind of words and drool running down my face that you have to suck up with your creepy little vacuum - don't talk to me.  Seriously.

5.  Speaking of the creepy little vacuum... You know, that little tube they leave draped off the side of your mouth that dries it out so quick that it feel like it's about to start sucking your brain out?  Yeah.  Not a fan.

6.  One of the worst parts for me is when they floss my teeth.  Good glory, you'd think they took a little mini saw and were trying to splice my gums right in half.  And then directly after comes the, "Looks like you're bleeding a little bit" comments.  You don't say?  The amounts of flowing blood makes my mouth appear to be un-flossed since the Dark Ages.  Commence flossing lecture.  I can never get enough of them telling me that I should floss after every time I eat.  Seriously, lady?  I'm not the type of person that is going to put life on hold after I eat a granola bar, because holy crap - I have to floss.  Now, I say more power to people that do floss like it's going out of style - but I just don't enjoy it.  I floss morning and night, and when I get a huge piece of broccoli wedged in between my teeth - but that's about it. 

7.  Oh, and after the floss lecture always comes the plug for the million dollar electric toothbrush that I "should" be using.  Dude, if you want me to use a specific toothbrush, then give me that instead of the .50 pieces of crap you give me every time I come in.

8. Out of everything, I think getting numbed is probably the absolute worst.  First you have to have needles shoved into your gums, and that basically feels like a steak knife.  And then when everything is said and done, you get to walk around for the next 5 hours slurring all your words and drooling all over everyone like a complete tool.  It's even worse when it's just one side that's numb, and you feel like it's drooping 5 feet lower than the other half of your face.  Good times.

9.  Then the final cherry on top is when they hand you your bill, and still manage to rape you of all the money you've ever earned, post insurance.

Ah, yes.  The dentist is fun.  

Excuse me while I go eat some chocolate covered pretzels.
...and not floss afterward.

What do you hate about the dentist?  (Or love, for the weirdos.)   


  1. While I do love my dentist, I don't love going. That said, I don't hate it either. It's not on my top list of things to do, yet I go, every 6 months on the dot. I guess I can be grateful that since I'm diligent about it, I've never had to have extensive work done.

  2. Just thinking about making a dental appointment gives me a major anxiety attack--I blame it the 5 years I spent in various forms of braces and share all of Chelsea's reasons, too.

    There's a dentist in town who advertises stress-free dentistry. I don't know how they do it (I'm guessing drugs and you'd better believe I'd sign up for that!) but the next time I have to go (which I'm hoping is many years from now) I'll be calling him up.

    Seriously, the thing with the bill at the end? I cannot stand that you go in for a routine cleaning that should be 100% covered only to get a $$$ bill when you leave because they did other stuff that you didn't even have the option of saying no to.

  3. My dentist always tells me how strong of a tongue I have... they even noted it in my file because every time I get a new nurse they joke about how they have to watch out for it.

    And I bet they joke about how I got such a strong tongue, but we all know i don't suck enough peni to have that be the reason.

  4. I wish I hadn't read this because I used to consider going to the dentist a nice break from the kids - excellent "alone" time.

    Now I'm just thinking about how I almost never floss and wondering what my tongue looks like right now.

  5. I hate my dentist, but I usually like the hygenists, they're pretty down-to-earth. And yes, I think it's a global phenomenon of having metal appliances in your mouth and being forced to make small talk with the dentist. What gives?

    The only good part about going to the dentist is getting nitroused-up!

  6. Fucking hilarious. I hate going to the dentist.. *shivers*

    The last time I went in they told me I'd have to come back to have a cavity filled and they gave me a prescription for two valium to take before the appointment. it definitely made it less stressful :)

  7. The flossing thing, ugh. I floss! Not all the time, but I do it! And maybe not hard enough that I draw blood, because I think if in order to be successful in an action I need to be drawing blood, maybe I don't want to be doing that action as much I should. I think the dentist people floss hard on purpose because the reason they went into dentistry was to see people bleed.

    Also, my dentists don't really talk to me, they talk above me to each other. It seems like any cleaning or procedure I have during which more than one dentist person is involved, they always tell stories to each other like I'm not even there.

    I wish they'd put a TV on the ceiling instead of those weird cat posters.

  8. That picture is horrifying! I hate going to the dentist, along with most of humanity.

  9. I despise the dentist as well. I once had a BOYFRIEND work on my mouth as a dental assistant. Now imagine all of that with the man you're crushing on and kissing doing all of that. Yeah no fun! Then he got the dentist to lie to me and tell me I had 8 cavities. I bawled. Then they told me it was a joke. Oh thanks....

  10. Oh you girl! Go floss!!

    No seriously....

    I was raised in a house full of dentists - stepdad and 2 brothers... yep. You can imagine how often I had to go to the dentist.... it was a requirement in our home.

    And let me just tell you... they know about all these things you complained of. I think they get some kind of evil pleasure out of it! They sit around the kitchen table and talk about the patient that did this, or the one that did that. And oh, you should've seen her teeth!! And the talking part... with shit hanging out of your mouth? Yep, sometimes they do that on purpose... just because they think it's funny...

  11. I hate everything. The drills, the spitting, the evil lights, the drills, the making me feel stupid because I have cavities looks. Actually, I have a phobia about the dentist, and haven't been to one since I was six years old. That's a really, really long time. But, see, I like my enamel not scraped off my teeth by a cleaning drill. Thanks.

  12. You're blog cracks me up!!!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog too!

  13. OMG I TOTALLY feel your pain! I actually take vallium to go to the dentist. I just CANT STAND someone putting their hands in my mouth. EW! Who DOES that?
    I'd rather go to the GYN any day, over the dentist.

    Good for you for taking care of your teeth.
    (Someone's gotta do it!)

  14. i no exactly how yu feel. whenever i go dentist i end up acting like a fussy 2 year old and have to apologise after. another thing i hate is when day put the metal tooth holder INTO ur gums around ur tooth. ugh! and when they floss they are definately not careful blood all over the gaff. i hate the suction thing cause its soo cold. and not being able to swallow! *leans on chair to stabalize self* i swallow anyway and they have the cheek to bark that i shouldnt at me. which makes me swallow more. i went in to get my filling filled once (or so i thought) the dentist said my tooth had to be taken out :O i jumpd off the dentist chair like it was hot coals grabbed my bag and thanked him for his time. i was outta there befre he new what had hit him. needless to say my tooth is infected now and hurts and has made all my other teeth sensitive. colgate pro relief is my best friend

  15. My experience with Dentist is good. I was 20 years old when I was going to the dentist clinic. I was suffering from tooth ache. After dental treatment, I was feeling better.