Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Receding Hair Lines, Leprosy, and John Mayer

No catchy theme today.  Just a journey through the mind of yours truly.

-I didn't shower today.  So I pinned back my bangs - because they were a greasy hot damn mess.  Turns out I have a forehead that is the size of a football field.  However, according to some loser a-hole in my lobby it's not a big forehead - it's a receding hairline.  Thank you, sir.  Thank you.

-I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind.  I can't remember a single daaaang thing.  Today it's been especially worse.  I'm positive I've made myself look like an absolute buffoon for my boss.  Eff.

-I keep getting this sick feeling in my stomach.  And I get hungry at the same time, but I feel like if I eat - I may or may not throw up.  Sooo, I don't eat.  It's probably God's way of telling me to slow it down on the food intake, or else I'll die a sad, obese death.  Or maybe it's God trying to tell me that I probably shouldn't ever skip church to eat mountain man breakfast and German pancakes for breakfast.  I'm such a failure.

-Remember that one time I completely charred my skin?  Oh, and that other time I wore a black shirt to work when it started peeling off in copious amounts?  So in addition to my hair looking like I just returned from a 6 hour workout at the gym - I also look like I have a heck of a dandruff problem.  Along with a severe skin discoloration issue.  And leprosy.  Basically I'm hot.

-My younger brother is dating my husband's ex-girlfriend.  Is that weird to anyone else? 

-I won tickets to the John Mayer concert at the end of the month.  I'm going to be completely honest, I had no idea what I was going to win if I called.  But whenever I hear, "Be the 10th caller!" - I call.  I don't really listen to John Mayer exclusively outside of what they already play on the radio.  So I didn't like, wet myself or anything.  I got entered to win "VIP Backstage Passes."  I hear Mr. John is sort of a scum bag?  I'm not real sure what exactly I'd say to him.  "Hey man, I hear you like sex... a lot.  That's cool."  Winning is grand.

-Those eggs that were on our porch?  They definitely hatched.  Biggest. Babies. Ever.  I have a picture - but I don't have my camera with me.  So I guess you'll have to suffer.  They power washed our deck today.  Shawn and I are seriously concerned that there are going to be dead birds on our deck when we get home.  Here's to hoping baby pigeons love a good power wash every now and then.

Salutations, Internet.



  1. lucky!!! i like john mayer :)

    he sang the lucky song right? or was it jazon mraz. anyway i like them both :)

    lol on the receding hairline story

  2. Items #2 and 3 are huge pregnancy symptoms. Just sayin.

    And yes, it's weird that bro is dating hubs' ex. Let's hope they don't decide to get hitched, shall we?

  3. 1) ok, first of all, that guy's lame. it's not a receding hairline...yet. you're just greatly endowed in the forehead department. my husband is too! matter of fact, he & i lovingly refer to it as his five(going-on-six)head. =)

    2) memory issues....yeah....yea exhausted too? just sayin' could this be the forecast for your next nine months???? memory is the first thing to go with preggers.

    3) yep. please refer to #2.

    4) lol. you're definitely, severly hawt!!!

    5) sign your bro up for some big time psycho-therapy, immediately! how'd you like her to become your SIL???? oy. that's a happy christmas a-coming!

    6) john mayer = creepazoid...steer clear. VIP backstage, eh? once back there, head in the direction of the food! that's what VIP's all about. forget mayer!

    7) little power wash to keep 'em limber. what good are birds who aren't in shape? besides, gotta start 'em young in the pigeon exercise program. they'll be good.

    enjoy your tuesday night!

  4. Haha. As much as I'd secretly love to think I was pregnant, I'm about 100% sure that I'm not. Darn periods ruin it every time. ;)

  5. Man I have read that Mayer is the stud. Mr Plumber should be his name.

    Your brother dating your Shawns ex??
    Man, there are so many places a guy could take this...talking shit. If Shawn doesn't take the chance to lay some blows to your brother...he is missing out

  6. Pretty much, you sound like the hottest person ever. No joke. Don't be so hard on yourself!

    I really think you should go to the John Mayer concert and say that to him. I would love you forever.

  7. This post was so random and so funny (not at your expense, just laughing with you!).

    That would be so weird to know your hubby's ex is dating your bro! Small town?

    Don't worry about the butthead in your lobby - you do not have a receding hairline. You've got great hair!

  8. Hi Chelsea! I found your blog on 20SB.com. It's sofunny and I've really enjoyed what I've read so far!

    Oh and... the bro dating the husband's ex... a little strange...

  9. Freaking HILARIOUS, LMAO.

    John Mayer comes off as a huge tool, but who knows??

  10. Okay, I'm like the biggest John Mayer fan in the world. Sooo, if you DO win backstage passes... tell me how much you want for 'em :)

  11. the brother/husband's ex-girlfriend thing is very weird!

    and what are german pancakes?