Embarrassing moments. Everyone has them. Some are worse then others. Some are just really stupid. I've always prided myself in telling people that I really don't have one single "most embarrassing moment." I'm usually the one embarrassing other people. I mean, how can a person who publishes stories about their hairy butt crack possibly have anything to be embarrassed about, right? The more I think about it, though - the more I realize that I really don't have one single embarrassing moment. I have several. I'm just too damn proud to admit it to anyone. (Or I've found a way to twist them into cute, funny, or totally lame stories.) So, dear internet, I submit to you some of my most "embarrassing" moments. Right from the very bitter beginning.
-I was a whopping ten pounds when I came into this world. Not to mention I looked like a Chinese effing sumo wrestler. No lie. This was probably more embarrassing to my totally Caucasian parents, who had to claim the Asian hippo from the nursery. (Sort of kidding. Sort of not. I really was a big old chubster.)
-When I was a young buck, I made a snowman with my dad. This was 17 different kinds of exciting for me at the time. The moment came for the final touch - the top hat. I put it on top of the snowman's head, and much to my complete and utter dismay, the snowman didn't come alive. I bawled. For hours. Absolutely devastating. (This is one of those stories that my parents love to tell people. Because, you know, it's cute.)
-In kindergarten we had story time. One day we were all sitting on the floor, listening to Mrs. Flandro read us a story. I apparently hadn't learned the fine art of taming my flatulence by that point, and let a massive one rip right there during story time. I happened to be sitting at the front of the group. Every single little damn kindergartner scooted away from me. So there I was. Sitting all alone at the feet of the teacher. Well, that is, until the boy that wanted my kindergarten trash scooted up next to me and said, "Don't worry, I'll still sit by you." Great. Just great.
-In elementary school I got onto the bus, just like any other morning. Except this was the morning that my buddy noticed that I had a mustache. And decided it would be cool to let everyone know about it. And continuously wondered aloud how a girl could have a mustache. Thus began the decline of my self esteem.
-Ladies, you know that point when you're still too young to wear a bra, but it's borderline inappropriate for you not to? Enter training bra phase. I walked into my class feeling mighty womanly with my brand new bra strapping in my brand new booblets. I'm fairly positive I tried to get people to notice. And boy, did they notice. And relentlessly tease me about it for the entire day. Mortified.
-Or there's that time when I was in my Radio Disney phase. One day in particular I decided to call in to try and win a contest. I ended up listening to a busy signal for about an hour, because I thought I was on hold.
-Once I asked my parents if artichokes were once alive, because they have hearts. (Yet another favorite of my parents, for obvious reasons.)
-I went to a friend's cabin in junior high. We were hanging pictures of Justin Timberlake up, braiding each other's hair, making prank calls and other 8th grade girl things. Then for whatever reason, someone thought it would be funny to pants me. And naturally, everything came down. And naturally, one of the girl's little brother walked in right at that very moment and got a full face of Chelsea booty. Now, I can't say I'd be ALL that embarrassed. Then, it was fairly traumatizing.
Ahem, I'm getting a little long winded, let's shorten the rest of these up a bit - shall we?
-The first time I used a tampon. I may or may not have left the cardboard applicator on.
-There are the numerous times I've totally, straight up peed my pants.
-Or there's the time I figured out Alaska was actually attached to my continent. That was a proud moment.
-The time I asked (before actually thinking at ALL) if ducks could fly.
-Or the time I asked if there were lions in Utah.
-Once I accidentally sent an instant message to my boss gushing about what a whore this girl was. Totally awkward.
-And my latest moment of glory was the first time going through the temple - a place in which all white is worn. Yeah. I definitely showed up wearing a black bra. The cute little old ladies laughed
It's amazing how the older I get, the less "cute" these stories become. Too bad. I'm sure there's all sorts of other good ones, but I think I've had enough relishing in my own awesomeness for one night.
Now is the time to one up on embarrassing stories. It'll make me feel less lame.