Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Sometimes I'm Cool. Sometimes I'm Not.

Embarrassing moments.  Everyone has them.  Some are worse then others.  Some are just really stupid.  I've always prided myself in telling people that I really don't have one single "most embarrassing moment."  I'm usually the one embarrassing other people.  I mean, how can a person who publishes stories about their hairy butt crack possibly have anything to be embarrassed about, right?  The more I think about it, though - the more I realize that I really don't have one single embarrassing moment.  I have several.  I'm just too damn proud to admit it to anyone.  (Or I've found a way to twist them into cute, funny, or totally lame stories.)  So, dear internet, I submit to you some of my most "embarrassing" moments.  Right from the very bitter beginning. 

-I was a whopping ten pounds when I came into this world.  Not to mention I looked like a Chinese effing sumo wrestler.  No lie.  This was probably more embarrassing to my totally Caucasian parents, who had to claim the Asian hippo from the nursery.  (Sort of kidding.  Sort of not.  I really was a big old chubster.)

-When I was a young buck, I made a snowman with my dad.  This was 17 different kinds of exciting for me at the time.  The moment came for the final touch - the top hat.  I put it on top of the snowman's head, and much to my complete and utter dismay, the snowman didn't come alive.  I bawled.  For hours.  Absolutely devastating.  (This is one of those stories that my parents love to tell people.  Because, you know, it's cute.)

-In kindergarten we had story time.  One day we were all sitting on the floor, listening to Mrs. Flandro read us a story.  I apparently hadn't learned the fine art of taming my flatulence by that point, and let a massive one rip right there during story time.  I happened to be sitting at the front of the group.  Every single little damn kindergartner scooted away from me.  So there I was.  Sitting all alone at the feet of the teacher.  Well, that is, until the boy that wanted my kindergarten trash scooted up next to me and said, "Don't worry, I'll still sit by you."  Great.  Just great.

-In elementary school I got onto the bus, just like any other morning.  Except this was the morning that my buddy noticed that I had a mustache.  And decided it would be cool to let everyone know about it.  And continuously wondered aloud how a girl could have a mustache.  Thus began the decline of my self esteem.

-Ladies, you know that point when you're still too young to wear a bra, but it's borderline inappropriate for you not to?  Enter training bra phase.  I walked into my class feeling mighty womanly with my brand new bra strapping in my brand new booblets.  I'm fairly positive I tried to get people to notice.  And boy, did they notice.  And relentlessly tease me about it for the entire day.  Mortified.  

-Or there's that time when I was in my Radio Disney phase.  One day in particular I decided to call in to try and win a contest.  I ended up listening to a busy signal for about an hour, because I thought I was on hold.

-Once I asked my parents if artichokes were once alive, because they have hearts. (Yet another favorite of my parents, for obvious reasons.)

-I went to a friend's cabin in junior high.  We were hanging pictures of Justin Timberlake up, braiding each other's hair, making prank calls and other 8th grade girl things.  Then for whatever reason, someone thought it would be funny to pants me.  And naturally, everything came down.  And naturally, one of the girl's little brother walked in right at that very moment and got a full face of Chelsea booty.  Now, I can't say I'd be ALL that embarrassed.  Then, it was fairly traumatizing.

Ahem, I'm getting a little long winded, let's shorten the rest of these up a bit - shall we?

-The first time I used a tampon.  I may or may not have left the cardboard applicator on.
-There are the numerous times I've totally, straight up peed my pants.
-Or there's the time I figured out Alaska was actually attached to my continent. That was a proud moment.
-The time I asked (before actually thinking at ALL) if ducks could fly.
-Or the time I asked if there were lions in Utah.
-Once I accidentally sent an instant message to my boss gushing about what a whore this girl was.  Totally awkward.
-And my latest moment of glory was the first time going through the temple - a place in which all white is worn.  Yeah.  I definitely showed up wearing a black bra.  The cute little old ladies laughed at with me and said it happens to a lot of girls.  But, I can't decide whether or not they were just trying to make me feel better about being such a complete imbecile.

It's amazing how the older I get, the less "cute" these stories become.  Too bad.  I'm sure there's all sorts of other good ones, but I think I've had enough relishing in my own awesomeness for one night. 

Now is the time to one up on embarrassing stories.  It'll make me feel less lame.

For real.



  1. ok, i'll fess up. junior year of HS, we were in post-season football finals up against our biggest rival. i was a cheerleader, and here the custom is the home cheer squad goes in "good faith" and brings the visiting squad over to their side of the field to watch the halftime show. well, once over there, i heard this unmistakable laugh. it was that of a friend of mine's who i hadn't seen in forever! so i ran over to the bleachers, jumped up to scoot under the railing & into their student section to see her and all. yeah. didn't duck soon enough. instead SLAMMED my forehead squarely on the metal railing! huge "CLANG" heard throughout the student section which then erupted in laughter. funniest part? my laughter was loudest of anyone's. i didn't know what else to do, but to laugh. cheered the entire rest of the night with the continent of asia for my forehead and a humongous headache!!! even crazier part? my very brand-new, like within 48 hours brand-new boyfriend was up in that crowd when i did it too. he was a bit embarrassed to claim me after that!

  2. The bra-in-the-temple thing? Totally normal. My BISHOP warned me not to do it. That's how normal it is. A singles ward bishop was willing to talk to me about underwear because it happens all the time.

  3. I love that you admit to all these. they are all so funny, and in their own way. I don't even know which one is my fave.

  4. I agree with Liz, these are great! I don't have a lot of embarrassing moments.

  5. Okay, the snowman one definitely made me "Aaaawwww".

    That kid in your kindergarten class? I'll bet he grew up to have some really strange sexual proclivities.

    Oh, and I had that Alaska moment too. It was when I was in college, musing to my now husband about how some person whose car we had just passed had driven from Alaska to Louisiana. I figured they must have taken a ferry. Or maybe had it shipped. Yeah...

    It's not our fault!! On maps they put it in that little square like Hawaii!! I blame the maps.

  6. Bwahahaa, thanks for the good laughs :)

    I once walked out of a dressing room with my dress tucked into my at 12.

    I swore never to go into the Limited Too ever again.
    Probably a good thing.

  7. After kids, I'm back in the booblet phase, buying my bras in the ten year old girl section. Talk about embarrassing.

    Also, you've reminded me I need to wax the lip. Or Nair or something. I think I'll go do that now.

  8. hahahahah oh chels....what good times you've had. The tampon moment....oh words can not even describe. Lets just say this post took me back to junior high and the laughter followed. good good times is all i have to say....

  9. a couple months ago I went to Raleigh to train a class. The room was really hot so we had fans on. Well I was walking around and teaching and the fan blew my skirt all of the way up. Loved havng 40 people see that!

  10. omg i admire you for being able to recall and list your embarrassing moments...

    I have a selective memory. lol. so i don't have any embarrassing moments. and i dont even wanna dig up on em' lol

  11. um....
    once time (when I was about 16 years old) i wondered to myself - out loud - "i wonder what's in that water tower over there?"

    30 years later and I still haven't lived that one down....

  12. Ha! Love these! You're so awesome.

  13. I enjoyed every one of these moments. Seriously hilarious. I think you and I would have been close friends growing up. Favorite one - the snow man. SO CUTE.

  14. OMG I have a story that tops most if not all embarrassing moments. Yeah I'm going to post embarrassing moments on my blog.

  15. Read the butt crack story...and no way would I ever let anyone do that to me!

    Love the "hold music" one!

  16. The farting story is hilarious.

    My most embarrassing moment is this: in 7th grade they boy I'd been crushing on since kindergarten was having a birthday party on SATURDAY... I went to the party on FRIDAY... Oh my god, the worst part was he was the only one who knew; and my father. If more people had known we could have all had a great laugh about it and I’d not still be mortified. He never told anyone, I love him to this day for that.

  17. These are ALL totally cute! (Except the tampon one, that just sounds painful.)

    I have the ability to make any situation awkward, so I'm constantly embarrassed. I wouldn't even know where to begin!

    Themost recent thing I can think of was in April, when I was going to a job interview at a really fancy law firm. I couldn't figure out how to open the door to the office, and wound up setting off an alarm, which opened the door for me. But the alarm was SO LOUD! I was chanting "Make it stop. OMG make it stop." I walked in tentatively and everyone was standing up, staring at me.

    Somehow I got the job! But it was mortifying.