Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My Poor, Poor Children

 You know a post is going to be good when the first thing you see is a puddle of puppy pee.

Remember when I was super stoked about getting a puppy?

I'm having an episode.  Rather numerous daily episodes where I sort of want to punt Toby clear to the next zip code.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I love Toby.  But good holy frack he can be the most annoying creature with legs that I've ever met.  I know that he's a puppy, and his divine duty is to annoy the living daylights out of me.  But seriously, that blasted son of a dog is going to give me a damn ulcer.

His activities include, but are not limited to:

-Peeing on the floor at least twice a day - without warning.
-Destroying shoes, slippers, and any kind of footwear.  (Sorry, Angela.)
-Biting my leg when I walk across the room.  Might I add that he has machetes for teeth.
-Chewing not one, not two, but three laptop cords.  Rendering two of them useless.
-Chasing bugs that he'll never catch.
-Eating dead birds/mice he manages to find on our walks.
-Drinking out of the toilet while my husband pees into it.
-Barking incessantly at inanimate objects.  Brooms, windmills, lights.  You name it.
-Biting people's ears if they get right up in his face bubble.
-Shredding any piece of paper/tissue/paper towel into a thousand little pieces.
-Spreading aforementioned paper/tissue/paper towel pieces from Hell to breakfast.
-Eating his dried up poop.
-Barking at little kids like they were the very spawn of Satan.  

My patience is waning with that dog.  I've directed almost every curse word in the book towards him at one point or another.  Because, I'm a classy dog owner.

It's a good thing he still has the fact that he's adorable going for him.  And in all reality, he actually is a really good puppy.  It's just hard to focus on the things he does right, when 2 seconds later he pees all over the floor, or rips a hole in my pants.

Kind of dark.  But he kept getting his head stuck in Shawn's work shoe.  I thought it was hilarious.  He chewed on that thing for a good solid half hour.

There's really only one thing that makes me nervous with this whole puppy trying my patience experience...

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be the worst mother ever.  

If I can't handle a barking/peeing/stubborn puppy, how on God's green earth will I handle a screaming/pooping/helpless baby.  I can't very well curse and shun it to the shed in the backyard.

Gosh I hope I don't ruin my children.



  1. You need to get him socialized. This is very hard on people when dogs are this young and dont have other dogs to chew on and learn to be a dog with. You live in SLC, right? I used to live there as well. There are really great dog parks where you turn them loose with other dogs and let them go wild. Do that with your dog, even if he gets beat up a little. It will help him adjust to being a dog, and help him grow up. Message me if you want. I know how you are feeling!

  2. I am totally with you on this one. My husband and I have cats. Sometimes I just don't want to be subjected to meowing when they think they need food (nevermind I fed them an hour ago), try to eat tape, feathers, or anything string-like. It bothers me when I find that one of my shirts hanging in the closet has been climbed and has had the ties gnawed off. I our little darlings in the bathroom for an hour or so pretty frequently. I realize that I can't lock infants and toddlers on the patio... and that worries me. Sometimes I think I should just pass on the whole kids thing (for their sake).

  3. My puppy was WAY harder than my kids. You're LDS, so you can appreciate this analogy. Kids grow, they turn 8, they reach the age of accountability and are now responsible and accountable for their choices. We know this because they get baptized.

    Dogs never get baptized. This means that the Lord recognizes that my stupid *** dog will never know right from wrong and can never be held accountable as such.

    Dogs are overrated. Kids are wonderful.

  4. Brush up on some episodes of The Dog Whisperer with Cesar Milan. That man knows everything about how to train a dog.

  5. Chels, you are so nice. Thanks for the sweet comment on my blog! I love reading yours. You articulate yourself so well & make me laugh with your funny stories. I also love that we keep bumping into each other at random places. Haha. Awesome.

    As far as Toby goes... good thing he's adorable! I'm sure dogs don't compare to children, though - you'll be a fabulous mum ;)

  6. You will love your baby lots more than your dog, and that and maternal instinct/hormones will make sure that baby poop smells just like roses to you

  7. This probably won't make you feel any better, but that sounds like WAY typical dog behavior. I know, because I was raised around a damn plethora of dogs.

    And every parents always ruins their kids. Always...

  8. Don't forget to take him out every hour for the first 7 months of his life. This will drastically reduce accidents!

    But I'm sure bc you can laugh about this and not stress out, you will be an awesome mom.
    Speaking of - has he reduced your desire for younglings, yet?

  9. The good news is that babies wear diapers which drastically changes the stress of bodily functions. World of difference. You'll be a great mom - no worries!

  10. get toby out for a walk daily. + super kudos for the marriage at the same time if the three of you go. (:
    as for the puppyness at your house? we've got it here too. shower curtain? snagged. my fave pair of jeans? destroyed cause my little ankle biter decided to shoot for the moon and instead got her razor jaws locked on my knees. shoes? what shoes. not many left she hasn't left her mark on. my floor? the whole house is simple-greened about 8x's/daily! my poor doormats? they're shat upon 4-5x's/daily. i won't even fully go into my car upholstery here, after today's adventure & varmint she apparently ingested and then yarfed all over---bones & EVERYTHING---repeatedly for almost 3 hours. and on my other favorite pair of jeans...and on my grandpa even. =(

    too bad she's so stinkin' cute, and small, and i can't ground her to the big dog kennel cause now it's too cold at night, she'd be a pupsicle in the morning! shiverin' little mongrel.

  11. meh, don't worry. We always screw up our own kids - especially the oldest ones :)

  12.'ve reminded me why I will never, ever have a puppy. They are sweet but I wouldn't have the patience. Heck, I barely have the patience for my children.

  13. This is why God makes puppies so cute - because they are so freaking mischievous!

  14. Also, good thing he peed on hard wood and not carpet, haha. ;) Hope all's been well with you!

  15. I wish I had some dog advice for you, but I've only ever had cats (although I swear Dexter sometimes acts like a little brat dog)! I hope that it gets better! At least he's like the cutest thing ever!!!

  16. Found you on StumbleUpon. Hey, you're funny. :) Great blog.

  17. he's a good stepping stone for kids!

    the eating mice thing would be too much for me, i have to admit.