Sunday, October 31, 2010

No Wonder My Butt is Made of Cottage Cheese

So today my husband was gracious enough to make me some dinner.

When he was done, he brought me this...

Um, I think I gained weight from just looking at the massive portion.  Not to mention that it would have fed an entire 1st glade class.  It's a shame that I don't have Shawn's metabolism. 

 (Honestly, I think I gain weight when he eats.)

I love that my husband makes me dinner, and thinks that eating an entire box of Macaroni and Cheese won't add 18 pounds to each of my butt cheeks.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn't just kind of bitter that he can eat 6 servings of Mac & Cheese and not gain a single pound.

Men sort of suck sometimes.

Friday, October 29, 2010

I Pumpkin Halloween

Yesterday I almost died.

Okay, not really.  But boy do I have a fun, non-fiction Halloween story for you, Internet.

It all started yesterday, it was about 8 o'clock and I still hadn't eaten dinner.  When I get hungry, I get cranky as a starving 1 year old.  So I whined to my husband that if I didn't have food in my stomach in the next 10 minutes, I was going to go postal and eat the dog.  That in mind, Shawn shoved me into his car and we were off for some good ol' fashioned fast food.  As we approached Taco Bell, I immediately knew that if I didn't get a Cheesy Gordita, I was going to die.  So Shawn dutifully turned into drive through of the classy taco joint.  

Now I attempted about 3 separate times to master the program Paint, to illustrate the set up I'm about to explain.  But since I apparently have no Paint skills.  I'm going to grace you with my masterful permanent marker skills.

Okay.  So let me narrate this scene for you a bit.  We pull in and can't really get in line because of the second car in the drive through.  So we are waiting, as drawn, for the car to move up in line so we can get in.  Then a car pulls up behind us.  Then a monster truck comes and tries to get by us, but can't.  We can't move anywhere to let the truck through for multiple reasons.  

A - There was a car behind us.
B- The car in the drive through started overheating, so we definitely weren't going to get in line anytime soon.
C - The car behind us finally backed out and left, after he got the car behind him to back out and leave.
D - After which, all the parked cars at the bottom all decided to start reversing out one after another.  

I realize my picture makes it look like we could've moved.  But I promise, we couldn't.  Meanwhile, this nasty white truck was getting steamed.  It started inching closer and closer to our car, as if we could go anywhere.  They kept getting closer and closer, about to nip our car.  Then they started revving their engine.  Why they didn't just reverse back into their parking spot and go out the other exit, is completely beyond me.  

At this point, Shawn is irrevocably agitated.  He starts revving his engine in response.  Then I throw my hands up in the air, because quite honestly, they were pissing me off - and they had to have known we couldn't go anywhere.  At this point they started showing Shawn and I their sign language skills.  

We finally get to a point where we can back out to let the damn truck through.  And as we start backing out, there was a point where we were at a face off with the truck - they switched on their brights right in our faces, you know, to let us know how much we twisted their panties.  That must've been Shawn's breaking point, because he stopped backing out for a second and showed off his sign language... with both hands.

Maybe not a great idea.

As we back up and they pass us, we finally get a good look at the earringed, backwards hat douchebags that filled the truck.  Classy class.  They yelled expletives and things that would make your grandma faint, as they passed.  They were about to turn out, and they stopped.  As Shawn was just sitting there.  And then they got. out. of. their. car.  

At this point, my inner pansy came shrieking out.  I told Shawn to lock the doors, and back the hell out of that place.  Shawn decided that him, I, and a golf club weren't about to take on the 5 severely crazy dudes in the truck.  So he slowly backed out.  The guys stood and watched, and I might have wet my pants a little bit. I imagine the assholes in the truck got their satisfaction as they watched my face turn from normal to severely panicked in .2 seconds.

We go out a different exit, only to have them passing right as we do.  We were behind them and they stopped right in the middle of the road - waiting for us to catch up.  At this point I'm cursing up a monsoon in the passenger seat - telling Shawn to turn around or we were going to get our asses handed to us.  

Can we please remember that I still haven't eaten at this point.  

Anyways, we drive around for about 10 minutes and finally decide that we'll kick it up a notch and go to Cafe Rio.  (A super good Mexican-ish restaurant - for those of you who unfortunately aren't familiar.)  We get there and Shawn parks.  We look to our right, and the effing big white truck was parked right. next. to. us.  Shawn recognized the logo that was on the side of the truck from earlier.  Needless to say we hauled some major ass out of that parking lot.  

At this point my paranoia has totally and completely peaked.  Every big white truck that I see makes me pee a little.  I'm positive that they're going to find our house and kill our dog.  Yes Internet, I'm a huge pansy.  

So since I'm on the verge of 100% starvation - and still want my stupid Cheesy Gordita - we find a different Taco Bell and go to his parent's house to eat it.  (That is, after Shawn coaxed me out of the car.  I was convinced that as soon as I stepped out of the car I'd get jumped.)

So then we go to Wal Mart to get the lamest Halloween shirt I've ever worn in my life.  And some Halloween boxers for 10-year olds.

(Yes, that is what I'm wearing at work today.  I feel like a total Class A loser.  I'm the only employee that is dressed up - all the other dressed up employees are in different buildings.  BAH.  And also, "I Pumpkin Halloween"?  WTF?  This is the stupidest shirt I've ever worn.  But it won over the, "I Kissed a Ghoul and I Liked It" and other sad excuses of Halloween shirts.)

And I know it sounds like I totally ended the Taco Bell Horror Story.  But I didn't.  Because when we walked outside to go to our car.  We saw this.

Yes.  Standing right next to Shawn's car.  

Internet, I've never been so bloody damn scared in my entire. life.

Shawn and I quickly turn around and walk back into Wal Mart.  I'm on the verge of tears.  Because, good holy hell, we're going to die.  We start trying to figure out who we should call... (Shout out to Russ, you were the first person we thought of to come back us up.)  Shawn asked one of the clerks to get security for us.  (Not that Wal Mart's little old security men were going to help at all.)  We were seconds away from calling the police when two of Shawn's young men from his parent's ward walk in - both in black and white sweats - and both laughing hysterically.  

Apparently they saw us going into Wal Mart and waited for us to come back out.  Oh, if they only knew just how perfect their timing was.  I couldn't have been more relieved that it wasn't the jack wagons from Taco Bell #1.  Sweet mercy.

After we laughed off our sheer terror, Shawn and I went home and made sure our dog was alive, locked our doors, and changed our underwear.

I will never look at big white trucks the same.  Ever again.

Happy Hallow-freaking-ween, Internet!

Monday, October 25, 2010

I May or May Not Run Out of Things to Blog About...

So, I definitely found the video camera that has a bunch of footage from our wedding.  And from our road trip to California last year.  And from random awkward movies we made.

Internet, you're in for a sweet treat.

Because about 99% of these videos are proably 84,583 times funnier to me than they will be to any of you, I'll try and only share the moderately amusing ones.  I still can't decide if I want to show you a bunch now, or do them sporadically when I have absolutely nothing better to talk about.  (You know, kind of like now.) 

If you had the sad misfortune of not being able to attend our epic wedding reception, here's a little cake slicing to cheer you up.

The actual cake slicing doesn't begin until about a minute into the video.  The beginning is rather uneventful.

Okay, and since that took me about 800 years to figure out how to change the video format and upload - that's all you get for tonight.

I know, heartbreaking. 

C'est la vie!

Did you (or do you plan to) smash the cake into your beloved's face - or did you keep it classy?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

A Few Things to Avoid This Halloween Season

1. The Mist

Worst. movie. ever.  Seriously.  Have any of you seen this?  Terrible.  And I even slept through about 75% of it.  But I got the gist - giant ass spiders that eat people, mist, people killing themselves, oh, and the worst ending in the world.  Bah.  Just don't even go there.

2.  Bobbing for apples.

It's gross, and you know it.

3.  Sexy costumes that shouldn't be sexy. 

Since when did this:

Turn into this:

Seriously, world?  Sexy Nemo?  What's next - Dora the Hooker?  Please.

4.  Passing out lame, cheap candy that no one is going to eat.

My husband actually digs this stuff.  But I was always depressed when I found it in my pillowcase back in the day.  Barf.

I realize this doesn't really apply to me anymore.  But I'm almost tempted to say you're better off turning off your lights and pretending you aren't home rather than pass out gross hard candies.  Or fruit.

5.  Spending more than $10 on a haunted house.

I always walk out of haunted houses wondering why on earth I paid anything to walk through it.  I'm probably just lame.

6.  Going to costume parties without a costume.

No one likes that person.  Don't be that person.  At least wear a fun t-shirt.

Be classy Halloweeners, Internet.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Confession Time


I'm totally procrastinating studying for a test right now.

still don't understand the point of Twitter. 

Even though I'm miraculously okay with not having kids right now (Thanks, Toby) - I still sort of secretly wish that I'll accidentally get pregnant. 

I've taken a few pregnancy tests, just to make sure.

Sometimes my job sort of makes me want to drop kick a kitten.

Our Halloween decorations suck.

My husband weighs maybe 3 pounds more than me... on a good day.

We've bought a disugsting amount of McDonald's in the last two weeks.  Solely for Monopoly pieces.

I keep having dreams about totally random guys.  Wife points.

I skim a good portion of the blogs in my Reader.

All my girlfriends are tooth pick skinny.  And I sort of hate it. 

 I still haven't seen my wedding video.  And it's been over 6 months.

The only "real" meal I've prepared in the last week is taco salad.

I kind of want to take a belly dancing class.  But am way too self conscious.

I clearly am running out of things to blog about.

Maybe I'll get off my fat keister and do something productive. 
Or maybe I won't.

Happy Hump Day, Internet.

Monday, October 18, 2010

I'm a Partier.

Mondays back from "vacations" are always lousy.  I put vacation in quotes because I didn't actually go anywhere.  But I didn't go to work, I did sleep in, and I had no homework.  That's one hell of a vacation if you ask me.  I requested last Thursday and Friday off back in like, July (mostly because I thought that's when we were going on our annual family trip, but apparently not.)  So since I had no plans, and wasn't about to go into work because of the lack of plans, I decided that Shawn and I should use some buddy passes and fly somewhere fun.  I was excited.  Vacations rule.  But alas, turns out Shawn being the Scout Master pretty much annihilated any plans that I had made of a mini vacation.  Thank you, scout camp.  I should probably do a better job at supporting my husband in his church duties, but I don't think I've ever been more irritated with a church calling.  Wife points.

So my not-really-a-vacation vacation consisted of...

-Sleeping in.  Basically the most important part of any vacation.  (Nothing irritates me more than going somewhere for a vacation, then having to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to hike a mountain, or to make it to the front of whatever line, or to catch a bus/taxi/train.  If I have to wake up before 8, it isn't a vacation.)

-Watching about 379,342,932 epidodes of Snapped on Oxygen.  Women bashing their drugged husbands over the head with an axe 25 times... Women shooting their sleeping husbands... Women blaming their husband's death on their daughter... Women thinking they're an alien princess from another world so they have to kill Mrs. X...  Basically there's a lot of effed up women in the world.  Where's the meds for these ladies?  Needless to say I had all sorts of fun dreams over the weekend.

-Cleaning.  Yes folks, I actually was kind of productive.

-Played with/tried not to kill my dog.  He's the cutest piece of puppy you'll ever see, but, you know.  He's decided that pooping on our new rug is fun.  Specifically, pooping on the white parts of our rug.  When we lived in our apartment, I was always paranoid that it smelled like farts and sex.  Now I'm paranoid that our house smells like everything dog.  Dog fur, dog breath, dog food, dog ass.  You better believe that I ask just about everyone that walks into my house if it smells okay.  Yes, even the Relief Society President.  I'm only kind of paranoid.

-Because of the above mentioned bullet, I attempted to give Toby a bath.   Yeah, attempted.  That is a two man job.  I wish you could have been there... really.

-I was eco-friendly and didn't shower unless I absolutely had to.  I'm that refined.

-The night Shawn ditched me, I ordered a whole pizza and cheesy bread and watched When In Rome and Valentines Day - all the while being secretly afraid that a psychopath killer was going to break down my door and slaughter me with an axe.  Being alone at night isn't so much fun.  I may or may not have cried a little bit.

-We did a crap load of yard work.  I trimmed some bushes/trees, and went on a dog crap scavenger hunt.  Are you jealous yet?

-We went to Texas Roadhouse, after eating my leftover pizza for breakfast and lunch.  I got the salmon slathered in butter.  And instantly felt 9 pounds fatter afterwards.  Well worth the imaginary pounds.

-Then we went to some good ol' fashioned church. 

Do I know how to rock a pretend vacation or what?  May not sound like much, because, honestly it wasn't.  BUT, it was relaxing for the most part.

And that's the point of a vacation. 

On a totally unrelated note: My wonderful aunt has been diagnosed with Lymphoma in the last week - any prayers in her and her family's behalf would be immensely appreciated. 

Thanks, Internet. 
You frost my cupcake.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Fat Cow + Stupid Refrigerator = True Love

So, remember all those papers I've been sorting through?  I found some gems from the beginnings of my relationship with my husband, dating back to our junior year in high school.  (Yes, for those of you who aren't aware, we're high school sweethearts.  Precious, right?)  Wait til you see just how precious...

Here's a handmade card my beloved gave me one Christmas.  The Christmas I may or may not have been dating his best friend.  (Yeah, I'm that classy.)

Doesn't the inside scream his secret love for me?

I might add that this lovely card was accompanied by a calendar full of pictures of cows.  Which I still have... somewhere.

And here's a classic Valentine's Day card.  (I was single at this point, don't worry.)

He had originally put "From your secret admirer" - I'm assuming he decided he wanted credit for the massive bouquet of flowers he had bought me.  

A couple weeks and some steamy hand holding sessions later, I got another specially made Birthday card.

I remember laughing that he had to justify the "girly-ness" of the card.

Luckily for him, his holiday cards worked their magic.  You might be wondering how on earth he had the audacity to call me a fat, stupid cow... or why on earth I'd be turned on by such.

Simply put, we had junior high syndrome.  You know, teasing each other relentlessly.  Because we all know that's way easier than actually admitting you like someone.  I lovingly referred to him as a stupid refrigerator.  I realize that makes absolutely zero sense.  But we'll just pretend it was actually a good insult.  I have a bag full of about 50 stickers (somewhere) like the one below to prove just how nice we were to each other.

We'd exchange these on almost a daily basis.

And to think it all led to a blissful eternal marriage - in which, it should be noted, that there is no way on God's green earth he'd get away with calling me a big fat cow.

For reals, yo.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Marky Mark, Google Viruses, and Dancing Zombies

My weekend in bullets.  Because I know you've just been waiting with {insert word I can't think of here} anticipation.  (Seriously though, what is the word I'm trying to think of?  Sonofa.)

-Friday my computer at work got some weird virus that rendered my computer as useless to me, as rehab is to Lindsay Lohan.  That was just super.  I don't go to weird websites.  I don't click on links that looks like this: - (anyone that does is, well, a moron.)  But somehow I was sure that the uppers would immediately think that I've been screwing around on the internet, looking at bawdy websites and clicking all the questionable links I receive in my junk mail.  Fortunately, I wasn't, and the virus apparently came from non other than Google.  I have no idea how... But whatever.  I got to go home 2 hours early because my boss rules.  Oh, and because there wasn't a dang thing that I could've done as far as "work" was concerned.

-I got home and went straight to our office/den/extra room/dump area to try and get all our my papers sorted though.  I was going through W2s from clear back in 2005.  How long are you supposed to keep those things anyway?  Basically I'm a huge pack rat and still had the instructions on how to use a stereo my parents gave me way back in junior high.  You can imagine the kind of shat I had to sift through.  By the way, if you feel like buying me a Christmas present - I'd be totally cool with a paper shredder.  (Asking for a paper shredder for Christmas is #56 on my "You know you're lame and old when..." list.)

-We watched the tail end of MTV's (or VH1's, I can't remember) "Hottest People of the 90s" for some mild entertainment.  I'm fairly certain I never would have guessed Mark Wahlberg would be number one.  I guess I wasn't big on pop culture back in the 90s.  Because if I understand correctly, Marky Mark was basically the ish.  Maybe it's because he rarely wore pants.  Or shirts.

-Some friends invited us to go out to dinner and bowling.  We were down with bowling, but weren't really feeling like dinner, as I had just inhaled Shawn's leftover Panda Express that he had brought home.  We told them we were trying to not eat out as much as our excuse of why we couldn't go.  Which isn't a lie.  Later the same friend asked us what we ended up doing for dinner.  I blurted out, "Oh we had Panda Express!"  So much for them thinking we're trying to save our money.  I'm such a tool.

-Speaking of bowling, Shawn and I suck.  I have absolutely no "technique" when it comes to bowling.  I just loft the ball in the air and hope it hits a pin.  We ended up only playing 2 out of the 3 games because I got way too ADD to play a third game. 

Clearly I take bowling seriously.  (PS, this is definitely from last year.  I haven't gotten any better at taking pictures recently.  Soon Internet, soon.)

-I slept in until 11 on Saturday morning.  Which is the longest I've ever slept in while I've been married.  Which is a pretty proud feat if I do say so myself.  (Be reminded that this is coming from the girl who slept in a bedroom with no window for 7 years of her life.)

-I went running for the first time in 563 eternities.  It didn't last very long, as I was heaving up a lung after about 5 minutes of light jogging.  I'm fairly positive my husband thinks I'm pathetic.  I was whining to him in between my asthmatic wheezes about how out of shape I am, to which he replied, "Whatever, hot is totally a shape."  (Yes, it's usually "round is a shape", but my husband is funny.  So there.)  Sometimes I'm glad love is blind.

-We went to Lagoon's "Frightmares"... watched a bunch of zombie people dance with chain saws and 19 people pretend to be hypnotized.  (I really can't decide how much I believe that people actually are hypnotized when I go to hypnosis shows.)  In any event, it was funny to watch everyone make a complete ass of themselves.  Especially the chick that wasn't wearing a bra in 50 degree weather.  Yeah, that's cool.  However, I think my favorite part of the night was when an older lady told our friend, Darin, that he should get up on stage and sing - to which he responded, "Nah, I prefer performing from behind."  I laughed for about 10 minutes.  Mostly because I'm mature.

-I got my first 7 Eleven hot chocolate of the season.  Which was mildly depressing.  But kind of fun.  Bring on the ugly sweater parties.

-We got our speaking assignment in church.  We've never spoken as a married couple before, so this should be fun.  We have the whole block to ourselves.  Which honestly, shouldn't be a problem for me.  I've been known to talk over other people's turns during Sacrament Meeting.  (Me?  Talk to much?  Unheard of.)  It's all gravy. 

Happy Columbus Day, Internet.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Birthday Karma is Fun.

So if my husband got me a Playstation 3 and a book of Cosmo sex moves for my birthday...

Does that mean I get to get him a Chi hair straightener, some pretty earrings, and an iPhone for his birthday?

That's how birthdays work in marriage, right?

Note: Shawn's birthday isn't actually for a little over a month.  But look how good of a wife I'm being by actually thinking about it so far in advance.  That hardly happens.  Gosh, I rule.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I Need More Pictures.

Sorry I've been sucky at blogging.  There isn't a whole lot of anything appealing going on in the Milne household.  Like, really.  Plus, add endless amounts of homework in there, and I pretty much barely have time to wipe my own butt.  (What a fun mental image.  You're welcome.)  I will do my best to mask our life as way more alluring than it really is.

-Shawn got called as the Scout Master.  The Scout Master.  Does that surprise anyone?  He's going to do so great!  They called him the second week we had been in the ward.  Apparently they've "been waiting for 6 months" for him to show up.  Ho boy!  Turns out Shawn is hip and funky fresh enough to keep up with the young bucks of the ward.  Goooo husband!

-So I've developed a habit.  And it's saying "What?" or "Huh?" to virtually everything my husband says.  70% of the time it's because I really didn't hear everything he said.  And the other times are just habit.  But those times, it takes like, 5 seconds for me to comprehend what he actually said.  So we have a couple options - either my husband needs to speak up, I'm going deaf, or I'm just getting less intelligent with age.  Probably all of the above, let's be honest.  Either way, it drives Shawn batso.  Wife points!

-Toby has made an astronomic improvement in his potty training.  He's only peed on the floor like, once over the last week.  And he hasn't peed on our brand new rug... yet.  It makes me so happy that I let him lick me.  Which I don't usually do, because I think it's gross.  And it gives me rashes.  Awesome.

-I about purchased Shawn a lip ring the other day.  Who knew that Toby could double as a lip piercer?  (I told you every good thing he does is canceled out by shite like this.  Bah.)

-The other day I came home to a Wall Street Journal on our coffee table.  I figured it was because Shawn was trying to make our house look more refined.  (You know, as opposed to having bottles of lube decorating our table.)  I was right.  He said, "I even thought about maybe rustling up the pages a little bit, to make it look like we actually read it."  Yesterday I walked into the bathroom and found an issue lying on the counter.  It's a pretty grand feeling to know that you're married to the classiest pooper in Salt Lake City.  Husband points!

-I got my hair colored.  It's nice and dark again.  (Moment of silence for all my family and friends who think I look better as a blond.)  It's basically black, a teensy bit darker than I was aiming for.  The girl that did it was the suckiest hair lady ever.  I mean, she did fine on my hair, she was just a sucky person.  She maybe said a grand total of 4 sentences to me, all having to do with how long my hair was, and how her hands were going to hurt after doing it.  Seriously, lady?  She told me mid-wash that her next client was there (her mom) so she'd have to skip the style.  What the wha?  The style is the best part.  Anyways, I still feel like I'm wearing a wig, and haven't gotten totally use to it.  But whatever.  I'd rather color my hair than chop it off.  So there.

-Shawn and I watched the entire second season of 30 Rock on Sunday.  Turns out we've mastered the art of procrastination.  And turns out you were right, Internet. 30 Rock rules... obviously.

-Speaking of TV, what do ya'll think about the new Raising Hope show?  We thought it was pretty hilarious, not going to lie.

-We finally put blinds up on our sliding door.  Not that it matters, since my husband has probably visually violated our neighbors way more than necessary.  Not that visually violating your neighbors is necessary, but you know.  Good thing we have the Wall Street Journal to maintain our neighborhood rep.

Anyways, that's about it for now.  I'm off to an insurance/benefits meeting.  That is how enthralling my life is.  

Happy Longest-Day-of-the-Week, Internet.