Friday, October 29, 2010

I Pumpkin Halloween

Yesterday I almost died.

Okay, not really.  But boy do I have a fun, non-fiction Halloween story for you, Internet.

It all started yesterday, it was about 8 o'clock and I still hadn't eaten dinner.  When I get hungry, I get cranky as a starving 1 year old.  So I whined to my husband that if I didn't have food in my stomach in the next 10 minutes, I was going to go postal and eat the dog.  That in mind, Shawn shoved me into his car and we were off for some good ol' fashioned fast food.  As we approached Taco Bell, I immediately knew that if I didn't get a Cheesy Gordita, I was going to die.  So Shawn dutifully turned into drive through of the classy taco joint.  

Now I attempted about 3 separate times to master the program Paint, to illustrate the set up I'm about to explain.  But since I apparently have no Paint skills.  I'm going to grace you with my masterful permanent marker skills.

Okay.  So let me narrate this scene for you a bit.  We pull in and can't really get in line because of the second car in the drive through.  So we are waiting, as drawn, for the car to move up in line so we can get in.  Then a car pulls up behind us.  Then a monster truck comes and tries to get by us, but can't.  We can't move anywhere to let the truck through for multiple reasons.  

A - There was a car behind us.
B- The car in the drive through started overheating, so we definitely weren't going to get in line anytime soon.
C - The car behind us finally backed out and left, after he got the car behind him to back out and leave.
D - After which, all the parked cars at the bottom all decided to start reversing out one after another.  

I realize my picture makes it look like we could've moved.  But I promise, we couldn't.  Meanwhile, this nasty white truck was getting steamed.  It started inching closer and closer to our car, as if we could go anywhere.  They kept getting closer and closer, about to nip our car.  Then they started revving their engine.  Why they didn't just reverse back into their parking spot and go out the other exit, is completely beyond me.  

At this point, Shawn is irrevocably agitated.  He starts revving his engine in response.  Then I throw my hands up in the air, because quite honestly, they were pissing me off - and they had to have known we couldn't go anywhere.  At this point they started showing Shawn and I their sign language skills.  

We finally get to a point where we can back out to let the damn truck through.  And as we start backing out, there was a point where we were at a face off with the truck - they switched on their brights right in our faces, you know, to let us know how much we twisted their panties.  That must've been Shawn's breaking point, because he stopped backing out for a second and showed off his sign language... with both hands.

Maybe not a great idea.

As we back up and they pass us, we finally get a good look at the earringed, backwards hat douchebags that filled the truck.  Classy class.  They yelled expletives and things that would make your grandma faint, as they passed.  They were about to turn out, and they stopped.  As Shawn was just sitting there.  And then they got. out. of. their. car.  

At this point, my inner pansy came shrieking out.  I told Shawn to lock the doors, and back the hell out of that place.  Shawn decided that him, I, and a golf club weren't about to take on the 5 severely crazy dudes in the truck.  So he slowly backed out.  The guys stood and watched, and I might have wet my pants a little bit. I imagine the assholes in the truck got their satisfaction as they watched my face turn from normal to severely panicked in .2 seconds.

We go out a different exit, only to have them passing right as we do.  We were behind them and they stopped right in the middle of the road - waiting for us to catch up.  At this point I'm cursing up a monsoon in the passenger seat - telling Shawn to turn around or we were going to get our asses handed to us.  

Can we please remember that I still haven't eaten at this point.  

Anyways, we drive around for about 10 minutes and finally decide that we'll kick it up a notch and go to Cafe Rio.  (A super good Mexican-ish restaurant - for those of you who unfortunately aren't familiar.)  We get there and Shawn parks.  We look to our right, and the effing big white truck was parked right. next. to. us.  Shawn recognized the logo that was on the side of the truck from earlier.  Needless to say we hauled some major ass out of that parking lot.  

At this point my paranoia has totally and completely peaked.  Every big white truck that I see makes me pee a little.  I'm positive that they're going to find our house and kill our dog.  Yes Internet, I'm a huge pansy.  

So since I'm on the verge of 100% starvation - and still want my stupid Cheesy Gordita - we find a different Taco Bell and go to his parent's house to eat it.  (That is, after Shawn coaxed me out of the car.  I was convinced that as soon as I stepped out of the car I'd get jumped.)

So then we go to Wal Mart to get the lamest Halloween shirt I've ever worn in my life.  And some Halloween boxers for 10-year olds.

(Yes, that is what I'm wearing at work today.  I feel like a total Class A loser.  I'm the only employee that is dressed up - all the other dressed up employees are in different buildings.  BAH.  And also, "I Pumpkin Halloween"?  WTF?  This is the stupidest shirt I've ever worn.  But it won over the, "I Kissed a Ghoul and I Liked It" and other sad excuses of Halloween shirts.)

And I know it sounds like I totally ended the Taco Bell Horror Story.  But I didn't.  Because when we walked outside to go to our car.  We saw this.

Yes.  Standing right next to Shawn's car.  

Internet, I've never been so bloody damn scared in my entire. life.

Shawn and I quickly turn around and walk back into Wal Mart.  I'm on the verge of tears.  Because, good holy hell, we're going to die.  We start trying to figure out who we should call... (Shout out to Russ, you were the first person we thought of to come back us up.)  Shawn asked one of the clerks to get security for us.  (Not that Wal Mart's little old security men were going to help at all.)  We were seconds away from calling the police when two of Shawn's young men from his parent's ward walk in - both in black and white sweats - and both laughing hysterically.  

Apparently they saw us going into Wal Mart and waited for us to come back out.  Oh, if they only knew just how perfect their timing was.  I couldn't have been more relieved that it wasn't the jack wagons from Taco Bell #1.  Sweet mercy.

After we laughed off our sheer terror, Shawn and I went home and made sure our dog was alive, locked our doors, and changed our underwear.

I will never look at big white trucks the same.  Ever again.

Happy Hallow-freaking-ween, Internet!


  1. I think I just pissed my pants a little when I saw the picture of those two guys. I thought "wtf are they doing taking a picture of them?! RUN!!!! For the love of God...RUN!!!"

    I hope you never run into those schmucks again. Don't worry, by now, they have found some other person to harass. I bet they get into altercations all the time. I hope they get a taste of their own medicine, I really do.

    T-shirt and boxers. Cracking me up. That makes me think of Modern Family and the guy that went to his new job dressed as Spiderman. And no one else was wearing a costume.

    Now you have me wanting a cheesy gordita.

  2. I miss Cafe Rio! Why cant we have them here?!? I live their taco salads, with the cilantro dressing. I could eat that for the rest of my life, and never get bored.

    I have have similar experiences with jerk drivers, except my hubby is the one freaking out, and Im jumping out of the car to battle truck drivers....but I totally get what you went through!


  3. I almost fainted for you when I saw the guys by your car!

    That is the craziest evening... you can't make that types of crap up!

    And seriously? I kissed a ghoul? Blerg.

  4. Awww you guys thought of me first?? :)(blush) I'd have been down for the cause.. I mean whoever goes to lengths like that to stop someone from eating a delicious cheesy gordita deserves my wrath!!

  5. Chels....I don't comment much but I always read and you make me laugh out loud!! This post was no exception!

  6. That is some freak-ay sheet. My inner pansy comes out like that every now and again, too. This kinda reminds me of the time my husband beat the crap out of a guy who followed him to his car after work. And also of the time my dad was being tailgated on a dark, foggy night and couldn't go home because the freaks would follow him and know where he lived, and he couldn't go to the police station because it was foggy and icy on the roads and the only way to the police station was through the foggy icy curvy part of the road and he was afraid that the blow-holes would run him off the road, so he stopped the car, got out, and proceeded to get beat to shit by two little punks. He caught one of them after they tumbled through a wooden fence together, and he held the dude there with a 4x4 across his throat until the cops came.

    If that ever happens again, do not ever, ever get out of the car to tell them to back off. People do crazy crap.

  7. Oh, and you need to get back at those young men. That's always fun.

  8. There's a lesson in all of this, I think.

    Taco Bell and Wal-Mart are subsidiaries of Hell... :)