Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Internet, call me a Halloween Grinch, but I've decided I would rather slit my wrists and jump into the Amazon River butt naked than throw a Halloween party ever. again.

I would have been just fine to throw on some sweats, pass out awesome candy, and watch a scary movie while eating salad.  And of course you know when I say salad, I mean Kit Kat bars, hot chocolate, and Keebler's version of Samoas.  Drool

Seriously.  Keebler Coconut Dreams.  Try them.  Now.  I promise you'll eat the entire package in less than 3 hours.  Unless you have some sick allergy to coconut/chocolate/the good things in life.  Then I just feel really sad for you.

This would have been ideal, except all our friends kept suggesting that we throw a party.  Because you know, we have a house - and what better way to use a house than to invite a truck load of costumed people over to violate, talk to, and hit on each other.

Obviously we caved to peer pressure.  Mostly because I think we're still trying to prove that married people are just as fun as everyone else.  And maybe so people could come be jealous of see my house.  And maybe because I secretly wanted everyone to see how stinking cute my puppy was dressed up as Superman.  So maybe I had some ulterior motives.  My house rules, and so does my dog - can you blame me?  I'm like that irritating parent who puts the honor student bumper sticker on their car.  Except that I would never do that.  I digress.

So not a week before Halloween, we send out the classic Facebook invitations - fully aware that all the cool kids probably have about 853 other parties to attend that night.  But we didn't care, because our little  Halloween soiree was going to be off the hinges, dammit.

Out of the 250 completely random people that were invited, 20 some odd people said they'd come and 50 some odd said they might come.  Can I vent for just a second?  If you have absolutely no intention of showing up at a party, and are only checking "Might Attend" because your guilty conscience won't let you click no - don't.  I'm not going to feel bad if you say you aren't coming, I probably didn't even expect that you were going to come in the first place.  You probably could've just deleted the event and I never would have known.  Only tell me you might come, if you really have intentions of actually trying to show up.  Because when you say you might come, I buy food assuming that you might show up.  Do we understand why this is an issue?

Whew.  Glad that's off my chest.

So a couple nights before the party Shawn and I think, dang, maybe we should start thinking about this "party" we're throwing tomorrow night.  Maybe get some cooler Halloween decorations other than the lamer-than-the-"Maybe"-people plastic pumpkins we have strategically placed throughout our house.

And that's precisely when things started going down hill.  Internet, I give to you my reasons, in no particular order of importance, why I will never throw a holiday party of mass proportions ever again.

Reason #1: Parties = Unnecessary stress.
Throwing a party of any kind stresses me out as it is.  The thought of someone being bored at my party haunts me in my dreams.  I feel like I have to entertain everyone.  I wrack my brain with ideas of things for people to do - which ultimately end up being the most absurd, juvenile things ever, like painting pumpkins or frosting cookies.

Even when I do come up with something awesome, like getting a firepit for our deck and roasting marshmallows for s'mores.  Does anyone actually do that?  Not so much.  Did we have a fire going on our deck last weekend?  Yes.  Were there 2  huge bags of marshmallows, a Costco size box of graham crackers, and enough chocolate to subdue an army of pre-menstrual women?  Yes.

And Internet, what do you know - we still have every marshmallow, every graham cracker, and ever piece of chocolate - completely untouched.

Reason #2: The Mr. and I bicker like 3 year olds.
What do you get when you have an unnecessarily stressed, whiny menstruating wife and a hard-working, stubborn, perfectionist husband?  Nothing happy, that's for sure.  My dear husband wanted to change out all our electric sockets the day of, so they matched.   Respectable, but it also took way longer than expected.  I was complaining that my wrists hurt from screwing in the plates by hand (and I totally wasn't even kidding, it hurt), while he was in the other room getting electrocuted over and over (because we had to turn the power back on for our downstairs neighbors and he was too stubborn to turn it back off) - all which led to a less than pleasant rest of the afternoon, scrambling to get all the food, decorations, and costumes.  I could certainly do without the husband-wife party planning drama.

Reason #3: Things break.
We lost a picture frame, our vacuum, and a small portion of our rug.  This all due to spider webs obstructing views and ignorance that the vacuum still runs when the hose is on.  What kind of effing vacuum still vacuums when the HOSE is on.  

Reason #4: There always ends up being way too much food.
Why do people come to parties, Halloween parties, nonetheless, and not eat the food.  I swear I didn't poison it.  It's chocolate, and cookies, and chips, and pretzel M&Ms - since when did it become uncool to eat junk food for Halloween?  That isn't even counting the crap load of cream puffs we bought, Costco style, and completely forgot to set out.  Not that it would have mattered.

So you want to know what happens now?  My husband and I are left with eternities of junk food.  My ass and thighs have their own party with all the leftovers.  And I end up eating pretzel M&Ms for breakfast.

If you go to a party, eat the damn food.
If you don't want to eat it, make sure it disappears forever.

Reason #5: Friends are kind of disappointing.
We asked several people if they could help out by bringing a $5 pizza from Little Caesars.  We didn't think that it was too much to ask, since we were providing our house and everything else.  And if they couldn't swing or afford it, then I can understand.

Not a single person brought a pizza.

It's 20 minutes before our party is supposed to start and I'm running around in pajamas, wet hair, and no makeup asking the people who had already shown up if someone would mind taking my credit card to go pick up some pizzas.  Blank stares all around.  I about burst into tears at that point.  About 10 minutes later, our friend Darin and one of our downstairs neighbors graciously offered to go pick up some pizzas.  They both ended up pitching in a little bit, which I was eternally grateful for.

Reason #6: Our house went from spotless to completely trashed in 3 hours.
And there was a grand total of two people that asked if we needed help cleaning up after all was said and done.  Two people, out of the 40+ that showed up.  I've never been so severely irritated in my whole 22 years of living.

Maybe we're just bad party planners.  I don't know.  But needless to say it won't happen again.  But lest you think this whole thing was a disaster - everyone seemed to have fun.  We now have a fire pit and s'more ingredients to last us 6 lifetimes, a kick ass (last minute, overpriced) chicken costume which I fully intend on wearing every Halloween for the rest of my life, Halloween candy for next year's trick-or-treaters, and Shawn may even gain a few pounds from all the crap that was left behind.  Not too shabby, eh?

But I can promise you that next Halloween, you will find me in a chicken costume on my couch, with Keebler cookies, my husband, my dog, and a semi-scary movie.

Maybe married people aren't as fun as everyone else.

I'll be back later, hopefully with super awesome pictures.



  1. lol. my cardinal rule? i've got a non-party policy anymore...and i rarely break my rules. a family birthday party is one thing...a huge everybody i'm NOT related to shindig is a whole other. aside from the little bear lake getaway last month, and an occasional game night (which neither constitutes a party in my book), i don't do social parties. perhaps i've got some social disorder.....an anxiety perhaps. but i hate worrying that others may be offended, or that i have to entertain everyone, or that i am a perfectionist so that alone brings unnecessary stress, and I HATE TO CLEAN-so why bust my butt to clean my house just so a party can come in an crash all my cleanliness so i have to clean AGAIN?!? makes no sense.
    also, holiday soirees aside, i NEVER do the pyramid scheme parties...under ANY circumstances. i don't throw 'em, i don't attend 'em....i don't even do catalog parties. too much stress. not important enough to me.
    so, a quiet night home, in sweats, eating (popcorn for me), with the hubsters sounds like a swell plan! :)

  2. Do you just need better friends? I'm sorry it sucked, but I'm excited to see you in a chicken costume. Yey!

  3. I don't believe in throwing parties at my own house. You should always find some random public place to throw down. And no one brought any damn pizza? The d*bags...

  4. sounds like you know how to throw a party, it's just a case of shitty friends. :\
    thank you for the invite btw, but we were actually throwing our own party lol. not quite as grand as yours. a mere 8 ppl attended but i don't think i was as stressed as you haha.

  5. Aww, I can empathize. My Halloween parties are quite popular and I *still* go through some nightmares from time to time--mainly getting people to RSVP so I can arrange for rentals, plan dinner and party favors for the right count (and I send invitations by mail, usually on the 1st of October, to give people a good head's up before the rest of the bids get in).

    The upside to leftovers? Since I serve more than just snacks at my parties, I don't have to cook for a week after if I plan it right ;-)

  6. Oh my God, what is wrong with your friends?!? Who doesn't eat S'MORES???? Crazy people, that's who!