Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Significantly Less Amusing Google Searches - Part 2

So, remember back in August when I enlightened you all with a list of search terms that had brought some pretty special people to my blog?  Well I'm proud to report that the search terms since then haven't been as totally awkward.  No high class hookers, mega boobs, or poop this time.  There's been some trends with particular topics that I've noticed, however... and because sharing is caring, I present to you (the less) Amusing Google Searches - Part 2.

First, you have what I call the "Hairliners." 

"I love good hairlines"
(I don't understand searches like this.  It's almost as if they're trying to have a conversation with Google.  You know, press search and Google responds, "Why yes, I think good hairlines are mighty lovely myself."  I imagine Google with a British accent, is that weird?)

"John Mayer receding hairline"
(I surprisingly got a few of these.  Apparently there's some people that are fairly concerned about John Mayer's do.)

"Are eggs good for receding hair?"
(I can't even imagine how long this person must have been clicking before they got to my blog.  That right there is sweet, sweet desperation.)

"Tony Horton receding hairline"
(John Mayer, you're not alone man.  You're not alone.  Also, no one cares.)

Second, you have the "Crack Pack."

"Waxing ass crack"
(I think we can all guess what post this fellow searcher found.)

"Buttcrack gay blogspot"
(Just a little awkward.)

"Buttcrack stories"
(Okay first of all, isn't butt crack two words?  Second, why are there so many people enraptured with butt cracks?!  Am I missing something?)

"Chelsey is a butt crack"
(I can only wonder what this person was hoping to find.  Thank Heavens we have search engines to vent to.)

"Pictures of Chelsea Designer Pants bum cheeks"
(I really, really just don't even know what to say to this one.)

"My mom got hugely large butt & hole"
(This one makes me dry heave every time I read it.  And again, it's like the person is trying to have a conversation with Google.  Dude, obviously Google does. not. care. about your mom's crap shoot.  Seriously.  Go to therapy.)

Third, you have the "Bruno Mars People."  (Clever, right?)

"I love Bruno Mars."
 (This person loves Bruno so much that they went through at least 25 pages to get to my blog.  I couldn't be bother to keep looking for the page my blog showed up on, because clearly I have better things to do.)

"Oompa Loompa Bruno Mars"
(I'm sad to report there aren't any amusing images in this particular search.)

"Bruno Mars” “Just the Way You Are” lyrics moustache"
(My favorite part if this is the "moustache" at the end.  What the?)

"Bruno Mars personality"
(Okay, so this one is boring.)

"Bruno Mars using P90X"
(What?  Bruno Mars uses P90X ?  Why the heck did I ever quit?!)

"Bruno Mars Just the Way You Are hypocritical"
(Sounds like someone just got dumped.)

Fourth, you have the "The Marginally Disturbed Folks."

"How to know whether I'm psycho or not"
(Insert scary theme song here. EE EE EE EE EE EE.)

"Child is obsessed with clowns"
(Somewhere out there, there's a seriously concerned parent hoping their child doesn't develop some sort of freaky fetish, or end up in a crazy house.  Google will comfort you, there there.)

Fifth, you have the "Bored/Unemployed/Miscellaneous Bunch." 

"Pumpkin that couldn't move"
(Um, isn't that sort of... all pumpkins?)

"Use Chelsea to make some rhymes"
(Kelcie...  Elsey...  Yeah, that's about it.)

"Paper shredder"
(I'm pretty sure I've mentioned a paper shredder once.  Of the almost 2 million results that search generates, I'm positive I was at least the millionth.)

"Purging racing pigeons good or bad idea"
(I'm going to be honest.  Definitely had no idea anyone raced pigeons.  Now that's it's own kind of special.)

And finally, the "Find-An-Excuse-To-Not-Do-P90X-ers."

I don't even have to quote anyone here, 13 people in the last couple months have Googled all sorts of variations of "P90X death."  People are legitimitely concerned that P90X will kill them.

And those are just some of the many searches that bring people to this slice of the internet.  I can't help but think the last search terms I showed you were exponentially funnier - which shows you just how classy my sense of humor is.  I feel like I should just start blogging about completely random crap, just to see if people will Google it... or at least have weird titles.  Because knowing what people are Googling gives me the same super-sleuth feeling that I get when I look through people's cupboards and drawers.

And I know I'm not the only one that enjoys that.   


  1. You have some of the best search terms I've seen in forever. Pretty much all I get are people looking for pictures of fohawks or Batman lovers... people are weird.

    I swear, though, I laughed until milk shot out of my nose at these.

    Awesome. :)

    Ought to teach me to not drink anything when I'm reading blogs. Lol.

  2. LOL this is toooooo funny!!!!

    -Lady Fromage

  3. Hahaha. I think my favorite one is "Pictures of Chelsea Designer Pants bum cheeks"
    ...what??? Haha. Random.

  4. Ha, you have interesting searches there...

  5. wow, you get some weird searches. my funniest one is ,"are cowboys racist?"

    HOW ON EARTH is the internet going to answer that?!

    "yes... yes they are Bill" (some random website)
    "well that settles it!"