Thursday, September 30, 2010

Pants Party!


Coming home to a clean house

+  

 This


= why I love my husband.


(We should probably delete it before the Elder's Quorum Presidency decides to come over, eh?)


(PS, I promise he knows that it's 'you're' and not 'your'.  And also, do you see that coupon?  Look at me, being frugal and saving money on tater tots.  That's right.)
 





Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I'm Not Obsessed or Anything...

So I haven't posted since last Wednesday.  My bad.  But, the good news is that I knocked something off my bucket list this weekend.

I went to the CIRCUS!

See!  That's me! At the circus!  Squeeeeeee!
 
In the last few years, every time Ringling Brothers came into town I would automatically morph into 7 year old whine fest mode about how I've been deprived of the circus my entire life and I. want. to. go.  It obviously never worked out until this year.  I told Shawn that we were going on a date, and that hot flexible girls, fire breathers, and motorcycles would be involved - sounds manly, right?  Anyways, it didn't take much prying because he knew I'd become absolutely unglued if he didn't let me go.  Because what kind of person hasn't been to the circus at least once in their lifetime?  All I knew is that I didn't want to be that person.

Anyways, Shawn got us some tickets (and then lied to me about them being sold out, which almost brought me to tears.  That's how excited I was.  Internet, tell my husband to stop lying to me to get a reaction.  It isn't nice.) and we invited a couple we hang out with - both of whom mentioned they were absolutely terrified of clowns - to come with us.  Scared of clowns... Circus.... Good match.  (I really don't understand the fear of clowns.  Or rather, coulrophobia.  (Who knew? Thank you, Google.)  I realize that they can be scarier for kids, but adults?  I don't know.  Anyways, I digress.)   

So I wasn't really sure what to expect from the circus.  I didn't know if it was going to be completely aimed at small children, or if adults would actually enjoy it too.  I crossed my fingers that it was the latter.  

And boy, was it ever!

Let me show you, via pictures, why I will be attending the circus every year until the day I die.  The pictures are compliments of my responsible friend, Angela - who doesn't leave her camera in the car.

  This was the beginning.  Lots of singing, and twirling, and clowns.  I shrieked with joy when I saw the elephants walking out.  Grabbing Shawn's arm and pointing, as if he didn't already see them.  

 And of course the stilt dudes.  They breathed fire at one point.  Because they're cool


 Is this guy the pimp of all elephants, or what?  I don't think I've ever wanted to join the circus so badly in my life until I saw that chick riding the elephant.  Can you imagine telling people that you ride elephants for a living?  Yes, please.


 After practically wetting myself upon seeing these perfectly trained animals.  I all of a sudden wanted to trade Toby in for an elephant.  That's legal, right?


 This part made me laugh pretty hard.  Does that make me cruel?


 At this point, Shawn and I started acting out what some of the elephants had to have been thinking... I'll go ahead and let your imaginations fly with this one.


Congo line?   Elephants are officially my new favorite animal.  Maybe Shawn will let me get one.

 We totally didn't get a picture of the break dancing elephant.  He was standing on his head and everything.  Gosh, I love elephants. 

Then there were some lions that did some pretty awesome things,  I mean, for lions.  They weren't nearly as cool as the elephants.  But we all can't be as cool as them.  We narrated these guy's thoughts too.  Narrating animal's thoughts makes the circus 17 times better, for the record.

This tiger hopped.  It hoppedI'm going to teach Toby how to hop.

This was the "strong man" of the circus.  He supposedly was lifting about 1,200 pounds there.  You can't really tell, but he's holding up a massive weight (that three dudes had to carry out afterward) with his legs, and another with his arms - and there's two girls hanging off the side and another chick is climbing to get on the top.  That was crazy.

The bionic brothers were sort of dreamy.  Strongest. dudes. ever.  I think even Shawn was turned on.  Okay, not really.  But they were amazing.

Yeah.  Do that.


I can't remember what these guys were called.  Something about a crazy freak ballerina who could split any way you wanted her to.  

 Here she is again.  Balancing on another dude's legs.  Ain't no thing, she's super ballerina.

These were the body benders.  They could bend about 800 times more than even the ballerina.  It was kind of sick.


Um, holy abs of mother loving steel.  Good glory.  I couldn't help but imagine that they had to have fantastic bedroom escapades.  Yeah, I'm mature.

Here's the motorcycle on the rope.  And the chick dangling off the bottom.  You know, whatever.

 Then they brought out the entire farm.  Ponies, llamas, a dog, and all sorts of good stuff.  And of course, the beloved elephants.  

Oh gosh.  I almost forgot the midget.  He made appearances in pretty much every portion of the show.  How could he not?  He's a midget.  Who doesn't love seeing a midget running around the circus?  It's pretty much perfect.

These dudes jumped on the funnest trampolines in the world.  

And this was the end.  Sniff.


I think you get the point, that the circus is pretty much the ish.  There was stuff that we didn't get pictures of, like the seven motorcycles in the ball cage.  Or the trapeze artists.  Or the dudes that did flips on a super teeny board.  Or the dudes that did flips on stilts.  I could even manage the cheesy songs, because the rest of it was so damn awesome.   

I don't even care that I acted like a 9 year old the entire time.  I. loved. it.  The circus protesters that were standing outside the building can shove it, because it is awesome and I will go again.  As should you, Internet (obviously I mean you should go to the circus, not that you should shove it.)  If you haven't been to the circus, do your inner child a favor and go.  Or take your kids.  Heck, I'll take your kids.  


The circus hella rules.













 

 

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My Poor, Poor Children

 
 You know a post is going to be good when the first thing you see is a puddle of puppy pee.


Remember when I was super stoked about getting a puppy?

I'm having an episode.  Rather numerous daily episodes where I sort of want to punt Toby clear to the next zip code.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I love Toby.  But good holy frack he can be the most annoying creature with legs that I've ever met.  I know that he's a puppy, and his divine duty is to annoy the living daylights out of me.  But seriously, that blasted son of a dog is going to give me a damn ulcer.

His activities include, but are not limited to:

-Peeing on the floor at least twice a day - without warning.
-Destroying shoes, slippers, and any kind of footwear.  (Sorry, Angela.)
-Biting my leg when I walk across the room.  Might I add that he has machetes for teeth.
-Chewing not one, not two, but three laptop cords.  Rendering two of them useless.
-Chasing bugs that he'll never catch.
-Eating dead birds/mice he manages to find on our walks.
-Drinking out of the toilet while my husband pees into it.
-Barking incessantly at inanimate objects.  Brooms, windmills, lights.  You name it.
-Biting people's ears if they get right up in his face bubble.
-Shredding any piece of paper/tissue/paper towel into a thousand little pieces.
-Spreading aforementioned paper/tissue/paper towel pieces from Hell to breakfast.
-Eating his dried up poop.
-Barking at little kids like they were the very spawn of Satan.  


My patience is waning with that dog.  I've directed almost every curse word in the book towards him at one point or another.  Because, I'm a classy dog owner.

It's a good thing he still has the fact that he's adorable going for him.  And in all reality, he actually is a really good puppy.  It's just hard to focus on the things he does right, when 2 seconds later he pees all over the floor, or rips a hole in my pants.


video
Kind of dark.  But he kept getting his head stuck in Shawn's work shoe.  I thought it was hilarious.  He chewed on that thing for a good solid half hour.



There's really only one thing that makes me nervous with this whole puppy trying my patience experience...

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be the worst mother ever.  

If I can't handle a barking/peeing/stubborn puppy, how on God's green earth will I handle a screaming/pooping/helpless baby.  I can't very well curse and shun it to the shed in the backyard.


Gosh I hope I don't ruin my children.








  

Monday, September 20, 2010

You Suck, Morgan Jewelers.

You know what's super awesome?
When the (super manly) diamond falls out of your husband's ring.

You know what's ultra awesome?
When $#@%^$ Morgan Jewelers tells you that they've "discontinued" said ring and can't replace the diamond.  Really, you can't come up single solitary teeny tiny diamond to put in the teeny tiny hole?  Is it that hard?   They most certainly can replace it, they just won't.  Schmucks.  Heck, I probably could have taken a diamond out of my own ring and stuck it in there myself.  Heaven only knows I have plenty

Now Shawn and I get to go ring shopping once again with our "in-store credit" for a replacement.

And I am not happy about it.


Farumph.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Thank You, School.

So I'm taking a Health Psychology class.  We learn all kinds of good stuff.  We've learned that smoking kills people.  That exercise is good for you.  That if you don't think you can quit smoking, you won't.  That you shouldn't drink and drive.  You know, basically all the crap everyone and their 2 year old already know, but now the only difference is I'm paying thousands of dollars to "learn" it.  Which is just super.  And by super, I mean an exceptionally huge, aggravating pain in my keister.


The other day part of the chapter was on obesity.  My favorite.  Ain't nothing like reading how America is doomed to die of fatness.  And that we as a population keep getting fatter and fatter.  I even learned that obese people are more likely to have obese pets.  Now that is just sad.  Want to know what's even more sad?

 This.
 
     


 This.
(My favorite.)




This.
 

And this.

 As if we need examples of what obese people look like.  Really?  That's just depressing.  Where do they come up with these people?  How does that exchange go down?  

"Hey uh, we're writing a book about health and we need some pictures for our obesity section.  Would you and your corpulent friend mind posing in front of this fast food joint so we can get a picture?"

Or...

"Hey, we're doing a section on childhood obesity and how it can lead to death.  We'd like to get a picture of your baby elephant inhaling those Big Macs.  Cool?" 

How do these people feel that they, in all their glory, are emblazoned onto every one of these textbooks in the obesity section.  Maybe they have no idea it went into the obesity section.  Especially that chick inhaling every piece of junk food available.  What's that story?  Is it just one of the photographer's friends who happened to have just gone through a bad breakup, and was drowning her sorrows in ever piece of junk food within a 10 foot radius?  Photo op!  Bam.  She's in the obesity section of every Health Psychology student's textbook. 

Maybe they got paid a hefty amount of money.  Or the photographer bought them a combo from that American Burger joint.  Who knows?  All I know is that I sort of feel bad whenever I see these pictures of horizontally gifted people plastered all over health books. 

Want to know what else makes me feel bad?  When the stupid $@#$&*#@% chart in the chapter tells me that I'm overweight.  Thank you for that.  Really.

Nothing like a little fat validation to turn me into an obnoxious calorie counter.  I even went to Subway without getting cookies.  That. doesn't. happen.

Really, I'm just trying to prevent the day that some ass hat corners me in a McDonald's wanting to take my picture. 


Because if being a person of great mass doesn't kill me, that would.




Happy weekend, Internet.









Thursday, September 16, 2010

Insulation is Golden

Just in...

Our neighbors downstairs can apparently hear just about all of our escapades there on the top floor.  And when I say all of our escapades, I mean all. of. our. escapades.

Turns out heavy breathing travels well through vent systems and floors/ceilings.  

Really, I should be more embarrassed than I am.  But I take solace in the fact that our neighbors are even more newlywed than we are.  And have a very squeaky mattress.  

As mortifying and awkward as it should be, I find it more amusing than anything.  I can't stop the fits of laughter whenever I hear the soft ee oo ee oo ee oo ee oo coming from the basement.  That's how mature I am.

Needless to say, our friendship with our downstairs neighbors has hit a brand new level.  Luckily, they're cool people - and we all understand what happens when a man loves a woman.  So it really isn't that bad.

That isn't to say that having an audience will be easy though.  Some activities are just more fun when you can, you know, let loose.

But the extra bucks every month makes it pretty much worth every pillow muffle.

And I've never felt more like a cheap porn star admitting that.


Hooray for cohabiting newlywed couples!













 

Monday, September 13, 2010

Cupcakes, Polygamists, and Peed on Ceilings.

Well this weekend was a party.  

-Those cupcakes I was craving?  Yeah, a friend and I made an entire batch - Funfetti style.  That savory batch was left at my house, on my counter.  Needless to say I ate an embarrassing amount of cupcakes this weekend, and my neighbors ate none.  I'll probably only eat rice this week. 

-We went to Lagoon (an amusement park) on Saturday.  I still maintain that that place is a magnet for people who can be described as freaky, emo, fat, or gay - or in Saturday's case, polygamous.  Oh yes, we definitely rode the log flume with a polygamist mother and daughter.  You may call me judgmental, but there was really no denying it.  Everything about them screamed "I have 85 brothers and sisters and I sew my own jeans."  A little weird.

-Rented the first season of 30 Rock from the library.  I sort of dig it.  The black guy is definitely my favorite so far.  Is it worth continuing?

-We went to our new ward on Sunday.  We're basically the youngest couple there - and flying under the radar in that ward is definitely not going to be an option.  We had an older lady just about in tears because she was so excited we were in the ward.  So clearly it is a super nice and welcoming ward - so I'm excited about that.  And the bishop's wife has a snarky side - which I think is absolutely grand. So I'm excited - it'll be a lot more permanent than the ward we were at in our apartment.

-Toby has started to lift his leg and pee rather than squat.  Look at our little baby, becoming a man.  Soon enough he'll be humping just about anything in his path.  Ah, the joys of owning a puppy.

-Pretty sure our house is going to give my husband all sorts of ulcers.  Something breaks, we fix it - 800 more things break.  It's ridiculous.  Our toilet pretty much exploded yesterday and instead of doing anything about it, I hauled massive toosh to the backyard to let Shawn know, you know, so he could fix it.  (Because I'm about positive I would've just made it worse.  And I didn't want to get pee on my hands, even if it was my own.  Wife points.)  So we Shawn cleans up the mess and and we think all is good.  Until a couple hours later the people we have living in the basement let us know that their bathroom smells different.  And that their ceiling is leaking.  And that there's some sort of yellow liquid in their sink.  So basically I peed in their sink.  And on their ceiling.  Which, perhaps under different circumstances, might have been impressive.  But basically it was disgusting - and probably not what the honeymooners really wanted to come home to.  

-Oh, and have I mentioned that hanging the blinds (brackets and all) back up after the windows got replaced is a royal pain in the ass?  Well, it is.  Which is why we've only put the ones in the basement back up.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if one of our neighbors has seen a boob here, or a butt cheek there, because of the lack of blinds.  Hi, we're Shawn & Chelsea.  Your classy neighbors.

-I won a Samsung Sound Bar from a company picnic.  Heck.  Yes.  I maybe should have wrapped it and saved it for Christmas.  But, that would be near impossible.  I can't keep presents for that long.  Especially super expensive prizes that I know my husband will love me forever for.  Which is why I do my Christmas shopping pretty much last minute.  How's that for a legitimate procrastination excuse?

-We now have TV and internet at our house.  Yesssss.  The Comcast dude was a little... special.  But whatever.  TV is back just in time for all my showsssss!

-Oh, just in case you're wondering (because really, why wouldn't you?), that new birth control hasn't been giving me any crappy side effects which makes me just beam with satisfaction.  Not yet, at least.  I'm only like, a week in.  But I'm totally digging the whole, I'm not actually going through menopause, thing.  Squeeee.


Let's end on that happy (albeit slightly awkward) note.



Chelsea love you long time.

Friday, September 10, 2010

And Now I Want Cupcakes

So lately, not only have I not had internet, but I haven't had anything all too noteworthy to blog about.  Just the same old daily hum bum crap.  (Hum bum crap?  What?)  So because I don't want to bore you with more stories about Toby peeing all over our floor, how not having the internet sucks, and how I'm getting fatter - I'm going to try this "5 Questions Friday" that is apparently taking the blog world by storm.  Enjoy.





1.  Do you feel guilty spending money on yourself?
It totally depends on what I'm spending money on.  If I'm getting my nether regions waxed, no I don't feel guilty - because the husband benefits from it.  If I buy things like purses, shoes, earrings - you know, pointless stuff that Shawn doesn't give a flying fart about?  Then I maybe feel a little bit guilty - even when I get his permission beforehand.  And when I switch chips for cookies Subway, that's about 8 different kinds of guilty.

We were talking the other day and Shawn said, "You know, I think you're so used to living from paycheck to paycheck pre-marriage, so now that our income is combined , you're like 'WEE!  Let's spend money!'"

Talk about feeling guilty

Now when he asks me where I feel like going to eat, instead of saying Texas Roadhouse or Cafe Rio, I say we can just go home and toss our dollar frozen pizzas in the oven. 

And forget the butt crack waxing

Gee, maybe I should start a blog on how to save money.  And I'll start calling myself Mrs. Frugal McFrugalson.  *Snort*


2.  How well do you know your neighbors? 
Well, seeing as we've lived in our house for a grand total of 1 week.  I don't.  

What is the protocol here?  Do I bring them cupcakes, or should they be bringing me cupcakes?  

Or should I just make myself a big batch, save some time and tape them to my butt, and forget about trying to make friends?


3.  What age are you looking forward to being?
Well, I'm looking forward to being 25.  When you're 25 you can rent cars sans the ridiculous "You're-too-young fees."  

 But mostly I'm looking forward to being senior citizen age.  Closer parking spots at Wal Mart, poking people with my cane, discount meals at the local IHop, hot strapping younger men to carry my groceries and walk me across the street, and no longer giving a damn about my looks.  Does life get much better?  Being an old lady is going to kick ass.


4.  Do you get excited when the mail comes?  Why?
I love checking the mail.  I'm always a little bit sad and mostly annoyed when someone gets it before I do.  There's really no particular reason why.  I like winning, and being the first to look at the mail is sort of like being a winner.

Unless it's bills.  Then that's just a big huge fail


5.  What is your earliest childhood memory?

Shawn and I were talking about this the other day.  I can barely remember what day we got married (Yes, I had a small, yet embarrassing moment of confusion.) let alone remember way back to my diaper days.

But, as luck would have it, I do remember a few things. 

I remember going to the hospital to see my new baby brother, Christian.  I got up on the bed to sit next to my mom and ended up sitting on my less than a day year old brother.  Oops.

I remember a dream I had when I was really young.  I was on the top bunk in my room, and my mom was screaming at me from downstairs and I remember being terrified.  Then her head came floating in and she had rainbow clown hair, and she kept yelling at me.  Apparently rather traumatizing, as I still remember it vividly.  (Note: My mom isn't and has never been psycho (Hi, mom!) - I apparently just have psycho dreams.  I won't even get into the one about walking through the wall into leprechaun land.  I have crazy A recurring dreams.)


Oh, and you all remember the time that I farted in my Kindergarten class, right?  


Are you digging the fact that I only remember the traumatizing events from my early childhood? 

Good thing my parents remember the cute, adorable things.






Happy weekend, Internet.






Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I Think About Post Titles WAY Too Hard.

Let me start off by saying, yes we are finally in moved into and living in our very own house.  I've walked around fully butt naked, and it felt awesome.  (Except for when I realized our house has WAY more windows than our apartment did.)   If you're lucky, I may even do a virtual tour, because I know how much you loved the first one.  Anyways, our house is awesome - but it won't have internet until Sunday, which sort of blows when all 4 of your classes are online and you have a super important blog to write.  But we'll make do.  Let's play a little catch up, shall we?

-Moving was a blast.  Who doesn't love moving heavy boxes and then having them scattered from Hell to breakfast all over their house?  Oh, by the way, all the repairs/remodels are still not done - which sort of annoys me.  But it's livable now, and awesome... so I can't really complain.

-Toby is getting huge.  He's straight up muscle - but he's still cute as ever.  He's getting sort of better at not crapping and peeing all over the house.  But that's still a work in progress.


video
 (Yes, that is a dryer in our living room.  And no, I don't TRY to make him run into the wall.  Promise.)

-We were trying to put our bed together and I had to run out to the car for something real fast - I had heard a loud bang as I was leaving and just shrugged it off.  I came into our bedroom to see my husband laying completely lifeless with our huge shelved headboard on top of his head.  Naturally I start to hysterically panic and lift it off his head, and when he still isn't moving I start bawling.  The thought to call 911 crossed my mind until I looked down at him and saw a huge grin on his face.  Apparently he thought it would be a funny joke.  (because the headboard had really actually fallen, but hit him in the elbow - and that's when the light bulb lit up.)  I was anything but amused, as I'm sure you can imagine.  I started bawling again.  Mostly because he had scared the living shit out of me.  And partly because I was so pissed off that he thought it was so funny.  His response?  "I'm just giving you stuff to blog about! *mischievous grin*"  Husband, I love you, and I'm glad you're not dead/a vegetable - but if you ever plan on seeing me naked again, I suggest you never play dead.  Ever again.

-I got my hair trimmed.  My bangs sort of make me look like a boy.  Hot.  Good thing I have make up, so I can at lease look like a pretty boy.  Isn't that right, Don?

-I got my lab results back from the doctor, with a note from my doctor saying that all my levels were absolutely perfect and the only thing that needed a little help was my Vitamin D levels.  I read the note to Shawn and he said, "Welp Chels, looks like you've got yourself a case of the lazies."  Dammit.  I can't even pretend to blame my thyroid for all my problems now.  However, I have switched to my new special birth control.  And we all know how much I love to blame all my problems on that.  

-Speaking of blaming all my problems on birth control - I was thumbing through my Criminology book from school and noticed that Pre-Menstrual Syndrome was in the glossary.  I can't wait for that section, because I just know it'll be about a bunch of crazy bitches who blame killing people on their period.  

-The basement in our house is a full blown apartment - with a kitchen, laundry room, its own entry and all the works.  So we're renting it out to one of our friends who just got married.  They are currently on their honeymoon right now... but we're interested to see how the whole, their bedroom is directly under our bedroom thing pans out when they get back.  Could be awkward.  Could be hilarious.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see.  Sound proofing tips are appreciated.

-I need to get my butt in gear and start going to the gym again.  Why is going to the gym so hard?  I at least want to get to the kickboxing classes - because even though they sometimes make me want to die - I sort of love them.  And what exactly is this Zumba thing everyone and their cat is doing?  I keep hearing it's super duper, and I have no idea what the stink it is.  I guess I could Google it.  But, meh.  I'm apparently chronically lazy, so why bother?


Here's to a short week, Internet.


Peace.


Thursday, September 2, 2010

I Love Work

You know you should probably start trying a little harder when a client comes into your office and the first thing he says is...


"You sure look pretty today.  Did you actually put some make up on?"



Why yes, yes I did.  Thank you.



Jackass.


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Sometimes I'm Not Very Creative

And again, with the bullets.

-Our house will officially be livable tonight.  I could not be more thrilled to be able to walk around absolutely butt naked without worrying my mother/father/brother/sister in law will walk in at any minute.  Not that I haven't already flashed half of them before anyways.

-For the last little while I haven't been able to stop eating.  I swear every second, of every minute, of every day I'm constantly whining that I'm hungry - and if you didn't know any better, you'd think I was dying of starvation.  All of a sudden it has stopped.  And I'm not hungry whatsoever.  Food just, doesn't sound good.  I got a sandwich and a cookie from Subway today.  I only ate 3 of the 6 inch sandwich and the cookie is still in my purse waiting to be eaten.  This never happens.  I'm going to go ahead and blame McDonald's for killing my appetite.  A holes.

-Remember those John Mayer tickets I won.  Guess who didn't go to the concert?  I know.  I basically fail at life.  Think I could get away with blaming that on McDonald's too?

-I think, in an overly pessimistic attempt to plan for the future, I subconsciously purchase pants that are a size bigger than what would probably fit me just fine.  Why hello, double digits.

-So I'm pretty sure I'm still allergic to Toby.  Which sort of breaks my heart.  But I don't even care.  Because if I made Shawn get rid of him, he'd probably divorce me.  The allergies aren't too terrible though, just random runny noses and sneezes.  I'm still not positive whether or  not it's all him though.  Maybe I'm just allergic to living with my in-laws.  Doh!

-Speaking of Toby (whom I still love dearly - when he isn't crapping inside) - if any of you have any fabulous stubborn ass puppy training tricks, feel free to share.  Toby hates his leash.  And sometimes when we call him, he'll sit there and stare at us in defiance.  And he tries to beat all dogs up.  Basically he thinks he's King of all dogs/humans/anything.  Sharing is caring, Internet.

-The other day at Target I managed to put back a pair of shoes, earrings, a purse and socks.  That is me being frugal.  You're welcome, husband.

-You ever have those times where you feel totally and completely useless in just about every aspect of your life?  That would kind of be me.  Right now.

-It amazes me that stores are already decked out in Halloween get-up.  Are you kidding me?  It is barely September.  I don't even pick out my costume until the day before Halloween.  Sheesh.  Maybe I should make this Halloween special.  It'll be our first married Halloween.  That's the kind of precious crap people put in scrapbooks, right?  It's when they start putting out Christmas stuff that really gets my nerves all bent out of shape.



That's all for today.
Happy Wednesday, Internet.