Thursday, December 29, 2011

That One Time Toby Almost Ruined Christmas

(I started this post several days before Christmas.  Totally slacking it up in here.)

The other day while I was at home, watching the Game Show Network doing really important things, I got a phone call from my husband.  He had just gone to drop off his siblings at home, and they had Toby with them.  Shawn's voice was somber as he told me that "something sad had happened."  And naturally my first reaction is, "Who died?!"  And then he told me it had to do with Toby.  At which point I was sure he had leaned too far out the car window and plummeted to his death.  (Apparently I always jump to the worst conclusion.  And apparently that conclusion is usually death and destruction.)  He tells me Toby isn't dead and that he'll tell me the rest when he gets home.

Talk about one hell of a cliffhanger.  Thanks for that, husband.

Shawn comes home with Toby, who looks completely sheepish.  And my husband says, "Remember that life decision Christmas gift I was going to get you?"  He went on to tell me that he found the cutest kitten in the world that he had been keeping for me at his parents house for Christmas.  And then he went on to inform me that our dog, Satan, tried to KILL IT earlier that night.  Apparently he had clamped down on the poor thing and everything.  (Luckily, the cat was fine.  Shawn got the stupid dog before he starting shredding the cat.)  I can handle my dog ruining all my bras, my shoes, my baseboards, and virtually everything he touches.  But ruining Christmas is a bitch ass move, even for him.

And like any self-respecting adult, I proceeded to throw a major tantrum.  Screaming expletives at the dog, not only because he ruined the surprise - but because Shawn wasn't going to let me keep the kitten (that I hadn't even seen yet) anymore.  To say I was livid, would be a massive understatement.  While I was drafting up an ad on KSL to sell our dog, Shawn asked if I wanted to see the kitten.  Which only upset me more - because I knew if I saw the kitten, I'd want to keep him even more.  But because apparently I can't say no to holding a baby of any species, I gave in and went to go meet my Christmas kitty.

Long story short - I whined my way into keeping the kitten.  (Related: I respect the crap out of women who are able to give their babies up for adoption.  I couldn't even let a cat go.)   I plead Toby's case that he just wasn't used to being around cats, and all he needed was time and some good discipline and training (compliments of my solid Google searching beforehand.)  And I plead my case, that mostly revolved around babies, and the lack thereof in our little family.  And either I had kickass arguments, or my husband wanted to avoid another hormone-induced meltdown - in any event, we brought the kitten home a few days later.

We brought him inside in a kennel and naturally, Toby flew off the handle.  We started out by holding Toby back from the kennel and letting him just look at the cat.  The cat would hiss at him, and Toby would flip his shit - which went on for a few vicious cycles.  Finally Toby got to a point where we could let him go, and he would just sit by the cage, watch the cat, and whine every once in a while.  Then we took the kitten out of the kennel, with a leash on Toby and let them get used to that.

And now I'm pleased as punch to report that we can have both animals in the same room, un-kenneled and semi-supervised, and they're both fine.  I'm pretty sure Toby irritates the crap out of the cat though.  We're still working on teaching Toby to leave the cat alone.  He rarely lets him out of his sight - unless he's busy trying to eat cat poop.  Or cat litter.  Or cat food.


I have a bunch of videos on our video camera of the two of them "playing" - but they're not uploading to my Mac.  (Yeah baby!  More on that later.)  I have a few pictures of the cat though - he's not very easy to take pictures of, because he's such a freakin' spaz and rarely stops moving.  (Also, if you haven't noticed, the cat still doesn't have a name.  We're thinking Meeko, but I'm not sure if I like it yet or not.  Suggestions are welcome.)

Anyways, here are some halfway decent pictures.  

This is, hands down, my favorite picture of them so far.

So you can just go ahead and prepare yourselves now to be inundated with cat posts.  Everyone's FAVORITE, I know.

But not before I catch you up on our super awesome Christmas.  
More on that later.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Men Are Neat

Men are generally fairly simple creatures. But sometimes you just gotta wonder...

 Ladies and gentlemen:
  A Few Reasons I will Probably Never Fully Understand the Male Species*

1.  They spend a crap ton of money on one shoe.  (Hi, husband!)  That they will never wear.  That sports a basketball player's illegible signature.** (10 awesome points for the kickass pun.)  Um, hello?  At least when women buy expensive shoes, we buy two... and we wear them.

2.  They puff out their chests when they're measuring height with another dude.  The hell?  Newsflash: puffy chests ≠ extra height.  Also?  You look like an idiot.

3.  They can't go a day, nay, several hours without thinking about sex.  And heaven forbid going more than 3 days without it.  Talk about a sexual famine.

4.  The man hug.  You know, the ever-so-slightly touching shoulders and smacking each other on the back a few times?  By definition, a hug is to "squeeze (someone) tightly in one's arms."  Way to half ass that one.

5.  They like butts.  Boobs, I can understand.  Men don't have them - they're mysterious.  (Well, usually.  On both counts.)  But butts?  We all have them.  I just don't see the allure.  Nothing pleasant comes out anyone's ass.  How is that even remotely attractive?

6.  They can eat 17 times as much as women, and not gain a single, solitary pound.  (Clearly I can't seem to let this one go.)

7. They watch irrelevant teams playing virtually any sport, solely so they can watch sports.  Related: Don't tell women there's only "5 minutes left" in a quarter.  We both know it'll be a good solid half hour.  At least.

8.  They don't cry during sad movies.  Like Brother Bear.  Or The Notebook.  Or Toy Story 3.  Have you no soul?  Let it out, brotha!

9.  (Some) of them shave their legs.  Or their arms.  Or their armpits.  Why?  Isn't that the glory of being a man?  You know, besides being able to pee standing.  Embrace your hairy legs and the fact that it's socially acceptable to not shave them.  Also?  When you shave your arms - the terrorists win.

That is all.

*Disclaimer: Obviously, I'm generalizing.  I realize not all men are bro hugging, chest puffing, butt loving metrosexuals.  Also?  I'm fully aware that if we were to flip this post around - there would be 57 times as many reasons that men don't understand women.
**Jimmer's, no less.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I'm Like Santa. But Better.

Tonight I went to a Christmas party with my team from work.  Naturally, there was a White Elephant gift exchange after dinner.  And instead of being normal and finding some completely useless item in my house, or some wildly inappropriate sex toy, or some really disgusting food item.

I went the horrifying route.  

And I picked myself up one of these babies...

Yes, it's a tarantula.
Yes, it's alive.
Yes, it's bloody terrifying.

And yes, I'm awesome at presents.

(FYI: This post was either a picture of a disgusting, furry arachnid, or the grossly detailed story of my battle royale with the damn toilet that decided to clog up and spray poop water everywhere.  You're welcome.)

Monday, December 12, 2011

He Says, She Hears.

And by he, I mean my husband.
And by she, well, I won't undermine your intelligence.

He Says:  "We should try to eat healthier."
She Hears: "Maybe you should take it easy on the Coconut Dreams, tubby."

He Says: "Do you want a massage?"
She Hears: "Wanna have sex?"  

He Says: "I need to start working out more."
She Hears: "You need to start working out more."

He Says: "Are you hungry?"
She Hears: "Tame the theatrics, bitch." 

He Says: "I'm not in the mood."
She Hears:  "I really am in the mood, but enjoy being difficult as payback."

He Says: "Can we snuggle?"
She Hears: "Wanna have sex?"

He Says: "Your butt looks really good in that outfit."
She Hears: "Your butt doesn't look good in anything else you wear.  Ever."

He Says: "I'm not mad, I'm fine."
She Hears: "I might be mad.  You should probably ask me 847 more times just to make sure."

He Says: "Hahahahahaahahahaha."
She Hears: "I just farted, and it's going to smell like rotten ass in T minus 5.3 seconds."

He Says: "I'm bored."
She Hears: "Wanna have sex?"

Isn't marriage grand?

And on a mostly unrelated note.  

I saw this for the first time over the weekend and literally almost peed my pants from laughing so hard.  It was just inappropriate enough to not post on Facebook.  But, as I've made abundantly clear, there's always a place for vagina humor in my blog.

"The pool is cold."


Friday, December 9, 2011

Broken Crap, Christmas, and Meltdowns.

I feel like I can't start bulleting my crap out unless I have an intro. 

And an amusing, irrelevant GIF.

Thanks Llama  GIF - Thanks Llama

Much better.  And go.

-To add to the list of things that have broken in the last 3 months, we can officially put my laptop.  And by 'my laptop', I mean the laptop I stole from my husband when we got married and he got his Mac.  Before I was using the most gigantic Dell laptop you've ever seen that took a good half hour to turn on.  I digress.  The laptop's hard drive crashed for the second time.  We lost everything.  Luckily, most of it is replaceable - with the exception of some of the homework assignments in our Random School Crap folder.  But who needs that anyways, right?  I think the thing I'm most upset about is losing our budget that I spent hours on for last year.  The good news?  New laptop for me!  Hopefully one that isn't lava hot when I turn it on.

-My husband made a list of things he wants for Christmas - including, but not limited to, Spanish learning software, a hand gun, and those bouncy stilt things they have at the circus.  (Random?  Yes.)  Now, if we learned anything from last Christmas - I'm not necessarily a huge fan of getting people stuff they know they're going to get.  (Hello, ping pong table.)  What fun is that?  Shawn's picked out 85% of his gifts thus far, which I sort of hate.  And when he's not picking out his gift, he's guessing what the other gifts are under the tree (turns out pillows aren't very easy to disguise in wrapping paper).  The other day he told me I wasn't allowed to buy him anything else because we had to stay under a budget.  So I did what any rational wife would do, and more or less gave him the verbal finger and had a nice, Clomid-induced meltdown.  The meltdown had it's phases.  It started with, "You're ruining Christmas" then headed toward "I'm fat and hate my body" and then plummeted into "Why can't I have a babyyyyyyyyy?!"  Want to feel like you're losing your damn mind?  Pop a few fertility pills.  Anyways.  Needless to say, I fully plan on purchasing some really random gifts for the ol' husband.

-Sometimes I can watch Netflix while I'm working.  I saw that Vampire Diaries was on there.  And I didn't think I'd be able to get into it - because, um, vampires?  No thanks.  Bet you can guess the ending of this bullet.  I got sucked. in.  However I didn't get too far gone before dragging my husband down with me.  The fact that I've made him watch The Bachelor, Gossip Girl, and Pretty Little Liars with me gets me major wife points.

-Speaking of Netflix, I tried watching The Last Song, with Miley Cyrus.  And I seriously could not get past 6 minutes of it.  Something about that chick drives. me. crazy.  Oi.

-Currently my dresser looks like this:

It gives my husband a minor coronary every time he sees it.  I should be cleaning it.  But I'm not.  Because what's worse than putting away a bunch of laundry?  Well, besides Miley Cyrus.  This is usually the point when everything ends up in the dirty clothes.  Even though I can guarantee you 80% of it is clean.  That's just what happens when you try on 8 outfits and hate them all.  Men will never understand.

-So remember how I was all gung ho I'm going to be a Real Estate Agent!  Well, I am.  I'm officially enrolled in school - and can take the classes at my leisure.  As I look at the different chapters of the book, I know I'm going to be 47 different kinds of bored with a lot of the classes.  But oddly enough, I'm looking forward to it.  It makes me feel ambitious.  Like I'm actually doing something with my life.  Babies have always been my ambition.  Since I was like, seven.  So now that my ovaries are being little bitches, I had to find something to keep me busy.  So if anyone needs a real estate agent in the near future... PICK ME!

-Our downstairs neighbors are in the process of buying a house right now.  It's kind of bittersweet for me.  On one hand, we can be as LOUD as we want to upstairs, on the other hand the extra cash every month is pretty much awesome.  We haven't officially decided what we're going to do once their gone.  I'm feeling selfish and want my house to myself.  I'm sick of stifling heavy breathing with a pillow, or having to worry about my dog barking at midnight, or worrying about our super creaky floor waking them up downstairs.  However, we don't necessarily need all the space down there.  Not yet, at least.  So I guess we'll see.  Maybe we'll keep it to ourselves for a few months and go from there.

Okay, I really need to get my ass off the computer and clean something.  Or else my husband is going to be in the hospital with an ulcer. 

Monday, November 28, 2011

Husband's Birthday and Other Things

Shawn's birthday was on the 19th.  Big 24.  It had its fair share of ups and downs.  We went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner the night before - he dressed up, I wore a dress that I'm 94% sure makes me look like a hooker - and weight gain ensued (Oh, wait.  That was just me.  I'm fairly certain my husband is physically incapable of gaining weight, even when he "tries." - and yes, every time I hear him say that, my eyes roll into my brain.)  


I had planned to drive up into the mountains after dinner and give Shawn a free pass at one of his man fantasies (after denying him the last 638 times he's asked on every other day of the year) but our good 'ol state of Utah would have none of that - and it snowed.  And snowed.  And snowed.  And snowed.  And saying that I'm not a fan of driving in snow is pretty much the understatement of the year, let alone driving in the damn snow capped mountains.  Yeah, no thanks.  Instead we went home and I gave him his real birthday present - which he might love more than me.

Doesn't he look cute?  Step two is to get him some guitar lessons - not that his random, occasionally off-key strummings aren't simply delightful... but, you know.  He spent the next two hours farting around on his new toy, and shrieking like a schoolgirl when he figured out a new chord.  

Meanwhile, I was freezing my face off on the couch.  Because, oh yeah, our heater broke that morning.  There was some leak from our air humidifier, or purifier, or whatever the hell it is, and it got all over our furnace.  (Which kills me, because our downstairs people had been complaining about a pee smell downstairs, and were wondering if Toby had peed on the vents upstairs, and since my dog isn't that ridiculous (and, well, air flows up from the vents) I figured it had to be a leak somewhere - but of course no one actually figured that out until it was -17 degrees in our house.  Good times for all.)  Luckily, only the gas valve needed to be replaced and not the whole damn furnace.  Not so luckily, the furnace dude couldn't get the part until the next Monday.  And thus our house turned into a Winter Wonderland for an entire weekend.  WEE.  (My brother and sister-in-law were nice enough to bring over some GIANT space heaters that I'm pretty sure you could roast a marshmallow over - so when I say our house was -17 degrees, I suppose I might be exaggerating.  But just a little.)  After having a broken AC and a broken heater, within months of each other, I can confidently say I'd much rather have a broken heater.  So there's that.

The next morning, Shawn's actual birthday, we woke up and were going to make a nice birthday breakfast - and mid bacon, I got a phone call from my mom.  She told me that my grandfather (her dad) had passed away just a few hours earlier.  My heart sunk, on so many different levels.  We threw some clothes on, and drove to the hospital where my grandpa still was.  I've never been too keen on being around lifeless bodies, but it was comforting to see how peaceful my sweet grandpa seemed to be.  He has certainly defied death his fair share of times over the years, so it was - and still is, a very strange feeling not having him around anymore.  He and my grandma have been married for 59 years, and I sobbed like a baby as I watched her kiss and caress his face after he had passed.  It broke. my. heart.  However, I take solace in knowing that she, as well as my family, will be able to see him again.  Our family is an Eternal Family.  And I don't know how well I would be able to cope without that knowledge.  My grandpa was a truly amazing man.  It's an honor to be a part of his family.  He will be greatly missed by many.

Also, on a semi-related note, Shawn mentioned that his grandpa passed away on his birthday the year before he was born - crazy, right?  We're hoping that my grandpa can work his magic up there in Heaven and send down some baby love for us.  Apparently our children are already stubborn.  

I felt bad that Shawn had to spend his birthday morning in a hospital room full of sobbing people, but it didn't seem to bother him at all.  We went to a shooting range with his brother and sister-in-law... and I suppose it's no surprise that I sucked.  I was perfectly content pressing the button that shot out the clay pigeons (Also? Clay Pigeons?  More like Clay Frisbees.  What?)  


Later that night we went to a restaurant with a bunch of friends to celebrate, and afterwards played a riveting game of dodge ball.  Which, you guessed it, I also suck at.  (Whenever we'd play in gym, I would always be the last one to get out, because I'd stand in the back and do nothing.  If only there was a life lesson in there somewhere.)  I also found out that night that one of my good friends had unexpectedly gotten pregnant. And being that my emotions were already haywire from that morning with my grandpa - I lost. it.  Talk about a mental meltdown.  You know, hyperventilating, snot everywhere, make-up smeared - the works.  Luckily I had a friend there who let me snot all over her shirt.  That's what friends are for, right?  

We all finally went home - and all things considered, Shawn had a pretty alright birthday.  I woke up the next morning to a comment on my Facebook wall that melted my heart.

My husband is the greatest husband in the history of husbands.  I'm not biased or anything.  

It's just a fact.

Happy Birthday, HotPants.

Monday, November 14, 2011

I'm Chelsea, and I Like Talking About Myself

Remember back in the day when all the cool kids would post 20 random and completely irrelevant things about themselves on Facebook?  (And by 'back in the day', I mean two years ago.  And by 'cool kids', I mean me.)  And remember how when I have nothing better to blog about, I do surveys?  And even though I've already done it once, I'm doing it again.  Because as fate would have it, nothing interesting has happened since Tuesday.  Unless you count raking way too many bags of leaves and scooping about 938 turds off my lawn.  And if you count that, then I feel sad for you.  

Let's get this party started, yo.

1.  In the event that anyone were to torture me to death, all it would take is a never-ending reel of Old Navy commercials.
2.  I've never seen any Lord of the Rings movie all the way through, if at all.  Nor do I have any intention of doing so.
3.  If I were to get a tattoo, I'd get a rainbow on my stomach.  And then I'd Care Bear Stare people whenever humanly possible.
4.  94% of the time, I'd rather clean the toilet than do the dishes. 
5.  I had an imaginary friend when I was younger.  His name was Tudunt.  He was black, had blue hair, and lived in a tree in my backyard.  He ran away and got married and I never heard from him again.
6.  I hate using Mac computers.  They make me feel like an 87 year old.
7.  My maxed out bench press is in the 92nd percentile.  Whaaaat!
8.  I've never been more self conscious of my body than I am right now.
9.  Though I've become significantly less social over the years, I really miss having girlfriends.
10.  I wear flip flops in Winter as my own personal way of flipping off Mother Nature.  (Unintentional pun, FTW!)
11.  If I'm listening to a good song in the car and my phone rings, I don't answer.  Even for my husband.  (Wife points.)
12.  Our Thank You cards from our wedding are still sitting in a box in my office half done. 
13.  I'm currently battling infertility.  And it's one of the hardest, most heartbreaking trials I've ever faced in my life.
14.  I love checking the mail every day.  Even though 98% of the time it's junk for people I've never met in my life.
15.  I still have a cupcake I made last Thanksgiving sitting in my kitchen.  It was that good.
16.  Girls with squeaky Minnie Mouse voices, or squeaky Minnie Mouse sneezes, or squeaky Minnie Mouse yawns irritate the everloving hell out of me.
17.  If I clean a room, I have to be the one who vacuums it.
18.  I have a knack of asking really ridiculous questions before actually thinking about them.  Like if there are lions in Utah.  Or if ducks can fly.  Or if an artichoke is an animal.
19.  I will correct you if you incorrectly use the word good.  Example: "Sleep good!"  No.  Sleep well.
20.  I've peed in the shower before.
21.  I love saying things purely for shock value.
22.  When I was young, I used to think the word bikini was a bad word.  
23.  I collect spoons.  And have over 50 from around the world.
24.  People who count calories stress me out.
25.  I was originally only going to do 20 of these, but decided 20 was a bad place to end.  For obvious reasons.

I'm Chelsea, and now you know forty five things about me.

And then some.


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

November, A Soapbox, & More Really Interesting Things

[Insert an interesting, yet irrelevant opening paragraph here.]

-Is it weird to anyone else that it's already November?  I feel like it was just a few weeks ago that I was panicking over what to get Shawn for his birthday.  And here we are again, and I've got nothing.  Again.  Well, except for the nice default gift that marriage provides us.  It's nice to know that if I ever can't come up with anything more creative than getting naked for my husband's birthday, it's totally okay.  It's the gift that keeps on giving.  

-On a more clothed serious note, speaking of November, I think the "Post something you're grateful for every day of November" trend is great.  Reflecting on your blessings is actually clinically proven to make you happier.  (Thank you, college education.)  And a great way to celebrate the holidays, to boot.  However, I don't think I want to participate publicly, not just because every one and their dog is doing it, and they're all grateful for mostly the same things.  But because it sort of makes me sad that November seems to be the only month that people are so outspoken about the things they're thankful for. Yes, I realize that it's the month of Thanksgiving, and we're all into themes - but wouldn't it be awesome if people would do the same thing in July?  Or February?  Snow aside, the holiday season is one of my favorites of the year. I think it's when people's best selves shine.  People become more selfless, and aware of other's needs.  They acknowledge all their blessings, and give to those who aren't as fortunate.  It's a season centered around Christ.  And wouldn't it be great if we could cultivate that attitude and feeling all year long?    /soapbox

-I'm loving my new position at work.  And I'm not just saying that because most of the people on my team  know about my blog (Hi, team!), but it really is awesome.  I don't dread logging in to work anymore, which is pleasant.  Not to mention, I actually work now instead of taking a ludicrous amount of time off.

-Speaking of jobs, I decided that I'm going to be a real estate agent.  Ha!  My husband's company flips houses on the side when they don't have any roofs to do, and I guess it would be to their advantage if one of the wives had a real estate license.  Naturally I volunteered after Shawn's dad told me we could make an extra 3ish grand for a few hours of work.  I'd have to go back to school for a little bit, which isn't ideal, but I suppose it'll give me something to do.  (Does that make my life sound boring, or what?  Nothing better to do than go to school?  Yeesh, Chels.)

-I never really mentioned anything about Halloween, other than scaring the besheesh out of my dog.  I did pretty much what I told you I would last year.  Sat on my butt, inhaled an embarrassing amount of sugar, and watched a scary movie.  They originally wanted to watch Nightmare Before Christmas, but that isn't scary.  I told them we should watch an actual scary movie, and then watch the Disney movie.  (Disney?  Who knew.)  Anyways, we watched Scream.  Which amazingly enough I had never seen up until that point.  Gorey stuff aside, it was a pretty amusing show.  My favorite part was probably the scene in the garage, when the girl gets stuck in the kitty door.  I mean, really?  

-Also?  Further proof that red flavor beats blue flavor.  Always.  It's apparently also proof that we eat way too much candy.


Happy Tuesday, yo.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

That One Time I Scarred My Dog For Life

Once upon a time I tried to show Toby a picture of himself as a puppy on my laptop, because dogs understand that kind of stuff.  You would have thought he was staring straight into the gaping jaws of Hell.  He hauled ass out of my room and into his kennel faster than pretty much anything (forgive my lack of a witty metaphor).  I saw an opportunity, and showed him my laptop screen whenever he needed to go to his kennel for bed.  Worked like a charm.

Until it didn't.

That's when I realized Toby was spooked by his own reflection in our body mirror.  He doesn't like the mirror.  At all.  One day when I was beyond irritated with him, and he wouldn't go to his bed, I did the mature thing and picked up the full size body mirror and chased him around the house until he went into his kennel.  Now whenever I even hint at picking up the mirror, he goes to his kennel.

Then one day I was sorting through all our Halloween crap... and I found this.

Do I even need to tell you how this one ended?  Other than my dog needing some serious therapy.  

I thought it was all fun and games, until one day I was crinkling up a bag to throw away, and Toby ran for his life when I looked at him.  Dead serious.  I've managed to strike the ever-loving fear of Chelsea into my dog. In the worst way.

I probably shouldn't plan on reproducing.


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Wordless Wednesday: Our 15 Seconds of Fame

Remember this?

Guess what aired today?

(An arrow, just in case I didn't stand out enough.)


(Again, probably no need for the arrows.) 

You get the gist.

The fact that I look like a complete idiot pretty much any time my face is on the screen aside, it was fun to watch.  And if you missed it, despair not.  You can watch it here.  

(Unimportant Sidenotes: The chick dressed up as a doll?  Huge bitch.  Also, the "dancing ninjas"?  Just as annoying as they look.)

We rule.  And that is all.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Promotions, Modge Podge, & HotPants

So plenty of things have happened recently that would probably merit their own post.  But because that obviously didn't happen, we'll do the condensed version.  Because I'm all about efficiency.

1.  I got a promotion at work!  

This is spectacular for a variety of reasons - which include, but aren't limited to...

Way more money than I was making in my last department.  Holla.
No more taking calls from intellectually impaired people - or really any people, for the most part.
Social media plays a big part in my new position... and hello, paid to Tweet?  Yes, please.
Awesome, laid back people in my department.
More freedom to make my own decisions in regards to customer issues.
Responding to complaints via email - I'll take someone bitching at me through email over the phone any day.

Basically I'm just really excited about the new job.  I've only been training for 3 days now, and already love it 8424589234 Coconut Dreams more than my last position.  It's that good.  Not to mention I don't think my bank statement will be this sad ever again.

(Yeah.  I wasn't lying when I said I took way too much time off work when I was doing Reservations.) 

 So even though I loathe change, I'm embracing this particular one with gusto.

2. I didn't sleep in our bedroom for a few nights.

Luckily it wasn't because my husband was being a jackass, because he wasn't.  I wanted to to cozy up with my dude while we watched a movie, but unfortunately our couches weren't really manufactured to accommodate spooning.  Sooooo, because he's awesome, Shawn brought in our mattress and plopped it in front of the TV.  And we snuggled.  Because we are in love.  It's sounds pretty much like the dorkiest thing ever, but it was fun.  Apparently we were too lazy to move it back, so we kept it in our living room for a second night.  Toby, albeit confused, was loving having a gigantic mattress in the middle of the floor almost as much as I did.  So seriously, if you're totally bored with life, throw your mattress in another room.  If for no other reason than to confuse the hell out of people.  Spice up your life, yo.

3.  I bought my first thinger of MODGE PODGE.

I'm not sure if you remember at all how not crafty I am.  But Pinterest has me bound and more damn determined than ever to successfully complete a craft.  (Well, Pinterest and Super Saturday.  I finished a craft there, and it actually turned out significantly better than previous attempts have.  But it's not time for me to reveal that masterpiece quite yet.)  Anyways, I went to JoAnne's and perused the aisles, having not a clue in the world what I wanted to purchase.  I found the Modge Podge, and aside from just simply sounding like an awesome thing to buy, I've read about it being used on about a gazillion things on Pinterest - so I bought it, thinking there had to be something I could use it for.  And as fate would have it, there was.

Remember that absolutely horrendous Halloween party we threw last year?  Well we had a butt ton of Halloween napkins leftover, that apparently I decided we should keep (because apparently my obsessive 'keep everything that we'll never use' disorder is not just limited to grocery bags.)   We also had these two pumpkins that Shawn and I had bought because they were cute and small, and saved us a dollar on Coke.  So I had napkins, Modge Podge (#bestwordever), and a pumpkin.  You probably know where I'm going with this, and I'm 100% proud to say that I came up with the idea all. by. myself.  (Googling it afterwards, I realized I wasn't the only craft genius... But nevertheless.)  And here is my (albeit amateur) masterpiece!

Eeeeeeh?!  I also apparently decided to bedazzle the crap out of the other pumpkin (an idea which may or may not have come from that one website.)  Anyways, it's nothing that would land me my own talk show, but I'm still pretty proud of it.

4.  My husband inherited a new nickname.

And it's HotPants.  Go ahead, say it a few times.  It's even funner to say than Modge Podge.  Not that the back story is important, because HotPants is a bad ass pet name in any event.  But, I got an email from Groupon Goods advertising a good deal they had on a product called HotPants.  I looked into the website, where they made promises of losing "2 jean sizes in 2 weeks," and getting rid of cellulite, and all this other stuff that obviously sounded awesome.  Apparently how HotPants work, is by making you sweat 80% more than you normally do when you work out.  Which, if you're me, is already a disgusting, manly amount.  And even though I hate sweating with the fiery passion of 489320483902 suns, I wanted HotPants.  I immediately called my husband and launched into my argument of why I had to buy HotPants - making sure to say HotPants as much as humanly possible.  Because the best part about owning a pair of HotPants, is being able to make it a part of your daily vocabulary.  If you don't believe that I wouldn't, go ahead and count how many times I've already said HotPants in this paragraph.  Yeah.  Awesome.  Aaaanyways, I knew that something as easy as putting on a pair of thick bike shorts wasn't going to lead to permanent weight loss.  Which my dietetic guru friend confirmed, explaining the entire process of losing fat, and how the HotPants would only make me lose water weight... yadda yadda yadda.  So I begrudgingly didn't buy a pair of HotPants.  But I still needed to have an excuse to keep saying HotPants.  Thus my husband's nickname was born.  So if you're ever referring to my husband, he isn't Shawn, he's HotPants.  He keeps telling me that it won't stick.  But all good things take time.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Wordless Wednesday: Chelsea Can Kind Of Cook Edition

Cinnamon sugar pretzel bites & vanilla glaze.  (The pretzels may or may not look as pretty as the picture online, but I pretty much couldn't care less.  Because they taste like pretzels going down, and that's all that matters.)

 I be bitchin' in the kitchen, yo.

This post brought to you by a word that rhymes with Flintersmest.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Free Time? I Have It.

The other day I kept finding random fruit flies in pretty much every room I walked into.  Which is not only disgusting, but extremely irritating.  I had absolutely no idea where they were coming from.  As I was explaining my theory of fruit flies evolving out of nothing to my husband, he opened the cupboard under our kitchen sink.  And that's precisely when the whole freaking mother load of fruit flies decided to swarm our kitchen.  Shawn pulled a bag of potatoes out and we new exactly where the fruit flies were coming from. (And yes, we are probably the only people in the entire world that keep potatoes under our sink.  Go ahead and judge us.)  I didn't completely lose it until Shawn handed me the bag of rotten, smelly, moldy, dripping bag of fruit fly potatoes.  He wasn't wearing pants (what else is new?), so I had to run the bag out to the garbage.  And yes, I drama queened it up the whole way to the garbage.  Screaming and all.  I'm sure I concerned our neighbors just a tad.  Shawn may as well have handed me a damn grenade.


The next morning, I didn't have a car to go anywhere, so I decided I'd unearth the disaster underneath our kitchen sink.  Because clearly we weren't paying enough attention down there.  

Wait for it.

Right?  No wonder we were breeding an army of tiny bitch flies down there.  

I started emptying the cupboards, when I hit a goldmine that I'm 74% sure would land me right in the middle of an episode of Hoarders.

I think it's safe to say that there were at least 15 or so bags stuffed in each one of those bags.  (Yes, we are bad people and don't use the eco-friendly bags for our groceries.  Judge away.)  I'm not at all certain why we've felt it necessary to stow away every single freakin' grocery bag we've ever possessed - besides using them as garbage bags in the bathroom and Toby poop bags.  But nevertheless, I wanted more organization.  (Because apparently I inherited the "Clean things that no will ever notice" trait from my lovely mother.)  So I spent at least three hours turning this...

Into this....

Check me out!  The fact that I spent such an effing long time doing grocery bag origami, is a little embarrassing.  But the fact that it saves a BUTT ton of space, makes me feel less loser and more awesome.  I happily reported to Shawn that I had been somewhat productive with my time off.  (Because it's hard to feel completely productive when something so lame takes that long.)  When he got home, I proudly opened the cupboard and told him to find what I had spent a majority of the day doing.  

He gave me the most confused look ever and muttered, "It took you three hours to clean out the cupboard?"    (Men.  I don't think my eyes could have rolled any further into my cranium.)  After pretending to be supremely offended, I told him to keep looking, and he finally found my Ziploc bag full of grocery bags.  And he had no idea what they were.  Which was precisely the moment I realized I had probably just wasted 4 hours of my day.  When he finally figured out what they were, he shrugged and said, "Coooooool."  At which point I went from this

To this...

In about 4.3 seconds.
(GIFs make life so much better.)

I blamed boredom and lack of a car for my random urge to fold 79 million grocery bags, at which point my husband informed me that I had the car the whole time.  Apparently his brother had come and picked him up for work.  I pretty much died right there in that moment.

The good news is that my cupboard is clean, and people who aren't  members of Pinterest are going to think I'm freakin' Obi Wan of organizational skills.

The other good news is that I have a video of my husband battling fruit flies, half naked, with a spatula.  Which I will show to you now.

(I was still semi traumatized from the bag of potatoes, which is what I'm going to blame for sounding so annoying in this video.)

I think we win the award for classiest family ever.

You are welcome.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Monday, October 3, 2011

I Have Good News. And I Have Bad News.

Good News: We found out that the mystery leaf monsters gracing our surprise garden are going to turn into Calla Lilies.  Who knew?  I was totally hoping that the mystery plants were Elephant Ears.  Because that's just awesome.
Bad News: The same guy who solved the leaf plant mystery, was also the same guy who quoted us $700 to fix our stupid garage - because it decided to be awesome and stop working completely.  Which is apparently the new theme of my life.

Good News: I had a dream that I made out with a really popular male artist, and he totally wanted my trash.
Bad News: It was Justin Bieber.  And I'm pretty sure that makes me a pedophile.

Good News: Monopoly at McDonald's is on.  And you know, trying to win something you have 1 in 5793753849758439 chances of winning is totally invigorating.  Kind of like Publisher's Clearinghouse, minus the weight gain and clogged arteries.
Bad News: We buy way more McDonald's, solely to get the Monopoly pieces.  Example?  Saturday I ate McDonald's for breakfast and dinner.  And I'm 98% sure I spliced at least 7 years off my life expectancy as a result.

Good News: New Girl.  Up All Night.  Whitney.  Modern Family.  Raising Hope.  Gossip Girl.  Big Bang Theory.
Bad News: DVR enslavement aside, all these shows coupled with my obsession with winning Monopoly, well, the bad news is fairly self explanatory.  

Good News:  It is incredibly easy to get time off of my job.
Bad News:  When you work at home, and someone offers you time off, you may or may not end up working a grand total of 3 of your 40 scheduled hours.  And then your husband will secretly judge you when you end up not even getting paid, because you only made enough to pay for your health and dental insurance.

Completely Irrelevant News:  Shawn would like the internet to know that the only reason he didn't put the salad away, is because it tasted like shi and knew no one was going to eat it.  And to that I say...

Happy Monday, Internet.

Friday, September 30, 2011

A Few Pictures

From my phone.
4 of which I took in the last 5 minutes.
Because all the awesome stuff is on my husband's phone.

Also?  I published this a tad prematurely by accident.  And that annoys me on so many different levels.

Moving on.

 These Tootsie Rolls have been sitting in our candy dish for about two weeks now.  Moral?  Red trumps blue in flavor (and in football).  Besides, who likes blue Tootsie Rolls anyways.  Or blue anything for that matter?  I'll take red flavor over blue flavor any day.

 I'm pretty sure my dog is a ninja.  Though his stealth mode could use some polishing.

 High five for anyone who knows where these came from.  Thank you, Pinterest.  There's a butt ton of workout "pins".  Some motivate me.  Some depress me.  And some I want to bitch slap.  You know,  the ones that say something to the effect of, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."  Seriously?  Have you ever had a Coconut Dream?  I respectfully disagree.  Anyways, I figured I'd give these workouts a go.  I was going to start with the blue one, and when I Jedi Mastered it's ass, I'd move on to the white one.  Well, don't worry that the first time I did the blue one, I didn't even make it to round 2.  It was those damn burpees.  (Which, by the way, burpee?  The heeeeell?  I had no idea what the heck those were until I YouTubed it.)  My goal is to be able to be able to repeat the whole thing 3 times in a row without feeling like I'm going to die at the end.  I feel like such a fat loser, because it winds the heck out of my every time, and it's like a 7 minute workout.  I'll get there.  Eventually.

Okay, remember that "garden" we planted?  We got a bunch of random flowers from WalMart and planted them.  Well everything has bloomed except these enormous leaf monsters.  Does anyone know what the heck these things are supposed to turn into?  I don't even remember what we planted anymore, obviously.  But I certainly don't recall us planting huge LEAF PLANTS.  I'm 94% sure they're going to grow into bean stalks.  Also, just ignore my refined photography skills.  And the weeds.  Ignore those too.

I just sent this picture I took this morning to Shawn with the following text message, "Just wanted to let you know that I love you! Oh, and that I'm not the only one who leaves the salad out.  :)"  Am I a superb wife, or what?  Bless that man for putting up with my pugnacious self.  He wins in the end though, because he's married to a genius who knows words like pugnacious.

This is clearly not a picture off my phone, but nevertheless I'm super excited for General Conference this weekend.  Even if you aren't a member of our faith, there are superb, uplifting messages to be shared with everyone.  Check it out.  You'll be glad you did!

Chelsea love you long time.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Thumb Ring, Bitch.

So I officially haven't blogged for almost three weeks.  

Not for a lack of anything interesting happening.  Because believe you me, crap is going down.

However, any post-enhancing pictures/videos I have are all on my husband's iPhone.  Since you know, he broke my camera and is an evil dictator who won't let me get my own iPhone.  (And by evil dictator, I mean the best husband in the whole damn world.)

In the last several months or so, I've totally lost my blogging mojo.  And it's not that I don't have time.  Because I have plenty of that to go around.  

But I'll kick myself into gear eventually.  Then you can hear all about the biggest dodge ball game ever.  And the circus.  And all the tricks our evil dog knows now.  And my hormonally imbalanced raging acne problems.    Amongst other really interesting things.  

Until then...

Peace and blessings, Internet.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Can't Touch This

Bullet time!

funny gifs

-We managed to recover from our expensive weekend from Hell.  The Jeep repair only ended up costing about $200.  And normally I wouldn't say it only costed $200.  But when you have a BMW that costs over $500 to repair every. single. time, it's a breath of fresh of air to see a car repair bill for only $200.  We're still waiting for the final say on what exactly is wrong with Shawn's car.  It's times like these where I'm glad I work from home, because with only one car, we'd be a tiny bit SOL.

-This last weekend I got hit with a super random cold, and ended up staying home while Shawn went and did who knows what with his buddies.  Long story short, I watched the first episode of Pretty Little Liars, and now I can't stop watching it.  Because apparently I'm still thirteen years old.  The best part?  Shawn started watching it with me, and he's totally sucked in too.  And I'm sure he'll be thrilled that I announced that to the internet.  He probably just watches it because he loves me, and knows I like to have someone to talk about stupid shows with.  But it's funner to say that he's getting in touch with his inner tween girl and is secretly 
enjoying it.

-The circus is coming this month.  And I don't know if you remember.  But I love the circus.  I don't even care if you judge me.  It's awesome.

-I finally have weekends off.  And it is the best feeling ever.

-My Words With Friends on my iPod is on the fritz.  It won't let me log on to finish my GAMES.  Luckily I discovered that I can play on my Facebook.  SO, if we were in the middle of a game about a month ago, I promise I didn't just stop because I got bored.  Because honestly, I love nothing more than to win that game.  Especially against people I know are cheating.

-I started clipping coupons, and honestly, I feel like it's kind of a huge waste of time.  Maybe I'm doing it wrong.  But I feel like coupons either make you buy something you don't usually buy to get a discount, or buy 5 of something you usually only buy 1 of to get a discount.  So I suppose in the long run it adds up.  But I'm certainly not that patient.  However, I'll still clip coupons.  Because I love pretending to be frugal.  And sometimes I secretly love being the annoying broad who whips out 473 coupons and makes everyone wait 5 extra minutes in line.

-I finally got a passport.  And setting aside the fact that my picture makes me look like I'm 900 pounds, I'm super excited about it.  The first place I'll probably use it is on our Carribean CRUISE in January.  Yahtzee!

Aaaaand, I'm drawing a blank.

So, yeah.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Lost Your Contact Lense Case/Holder/Thinger? FEAR NOT.

If you have a drawer full of 8,476 measuring spoons, your contacts are safe.

And that, is husband innovation at it's finest.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

5 Perfectly Valid Reasons

This last weekend mostly sucked balls.

Reason 1

So there I was, working from the comfort of my own home when all of a sudden I hear a super high pitched humming sound coming from somewhere in our house.  Being on a call, I couldn't just tell the customer, "I'm pretty sure my house is going to blow up in 5 seconds, please hold."  So I finished the call and went outside my office and smelled something burning.  Great.  The noise stopped for a minute, but then came back even louder.    I finally try turning off the AC, and the noise stops.  Bingo.  Turns out the motor on our 6 year old furnace decided to bite the dust.  Which is just great, when you live in a desert, in the beating hot middle of  the damn summer.  I do absolutely terrible in heat.  Sweat is not my friend.  And when I'm sweating like a hooker in the Cistine Chapel in my own home, I whine.  Like a 2 year old.  Especially when I'm drugged up on lady hormone pills.  Let me tell you, menopause-like hot flashes in 90 degree house weather does not equal anything pleasant.  For anyone.  Ever.

Long story short, it took a whopping $600 to fix our AC.  Because, you know, we have 600 dollars just laying around.

Reason 2

The stupid, blasted, $#@$#@%@$@$#@$#@%#$ Hurricane Irene.  Yeah, I live in Utah.  I didn't have to deal with the actual weather (and I sincerely hope everyone that DID have to deal with the weather, is okay), but working for an airline, I had to deal with every single pompous jackass who was sure that they were entitled to more than we could offer them.  We cancelled flights for three days, and when you have to tell people that they can't fly home for another week due to all the flights already being full, people go batshit crazy.  I know these people need to get home, I understand it's super frustrating.  But if I don't have a seat on a plane to put you on, there's nothing I can do.  So many people think that we can just pull magic wands out our ass to create a seat for them.  Or that because they have jobs, and school, and super important things to attend to - they should have priority over everyone else.  NEWSFLASH: Everyone else is trying to get home for the same. exact. reasons.  I would literally shake during certain calls, where I had to just sit there and listen to people telling me to screw myself, and other fun things.  And apparently I'm still bitter.

So between hundreds of customers screaming at me, telling me that I've personally destroyed their life, and the mandatory overtime I've had to work over the weekend - needless to say, there have been tears.  And lots of swear words.  

Reason 3

My Jeep starting making this weird clicking noise whenever I'd accelerate.  And obviously something is wrong with it.  I took it in somewhere to get a code pulled, to see if that would tell us what was wrong with it. And the guy was basically a huge incompetent moron, and said he didn't know what it was.  So when we came to pick the Jeep back up, Shawn's car overheated.  Keep in mind, this is happening the same day our AC went out.

Shawn takes his car to get looked at, they tell him it has something to do with his thermostat.  And since it's a BMW thermostat, it instantly costs 32904832904832904823904 dollars more.  Or $500, if we're being honest.  I fully expected the part to plated top to bottom in gold.  They finally call us back on Monday and tell us they've installed the new thermostat, and his car is still overheating.  Soooo, you just charged us out our ass for a new thermostat that we didn't even need?  Solid job, Firestone.

So we still haven't gotten the Jeep looked at, because it's in better condition than the BMW currently.  And now we have to take Shawn's car somewhere else to find out what kind of ungodly amount of cash we'll have to pay for that repair.

Reason 4

Before any of this happened, Shawn had secretly planned out this super romantic weekend for us.  There wasn't anything special to celebrate, he just wanted to do it because he's the best husband in the history of ever.  He had a room booked at Anniversary Inn, massage appointments made, and we were going to go watch Tangled up at the Capitol "under the stars."  We ended up having to cancel the massage appointment because the AC guy was still at our house.  I gave them my sob story, and luckily they let us switch it to later that night.  We go get our massages and decide to run to Wendy's to get some food, and then try to watch maybe the tail-end of Tangled.  

So we walk into Wendy's and there's about 749 volleyball players in line.  So we decide to just go through the drive through.  While we were waiting, I decided it would be fun to play Farkle (the overly-addicting dice game).  Shawn was paying attention to the dice and accidentally let off the brake pedal just enough that he rear ended the person in front of us.  Because apparently we hadn't had enough curve balls for one day.  

Luckily it was only some minor scratches, and the woman was totally nice about it.  But it was enough send my poor husband completely over the edge.  On top of that, by the time we finally got to the Capitol, everyone was leaving.  

Reason 5

My fifth reason is going to be the "mostly" part of our absolutely turd luck weekend.  Because even though most of it sucked royal ass, it wasn't all bad.  We stayed in the Jungle Safari room at the Anniversary Inn, and the shower was an elephant!  Best. kindofmostawkward. shower ever.  Once we got over the shock of just how bad our day was, we were able to enjoy ourselves at the hotel.  At this point, we can actually look back and laugh at it.  Because seriously?  Who has that bad of luck, all in one day.  I like to think of it as a good test of our relationship, to see how we'd cope with all the crap life threw at us.  And I think we did a pretty damn good job of  handling it.  GOLD STAR for Team Milne!  And we definitely noticed the Lord's tender mercies along the way.  All the overtime I had to work, is definitely going to help out our bank account.  And we had some money leftover from Shawn's school loan that we could have used if we absolutely needed to.  And even though Shawn thinks his plans went all wrong.  I think that fun overnight stay couldn't have happened at any better time.

And also?  We have a 4 in 2 billion chance of winning $5,000 dollars a week for the rest of our lives on Wednesday from Publisher's Clearinghouse.  Our fortunes from Panda Express have us convinced we're going to win.  Because, hello, that's likely.  Besides, who am I to argue with Panda Express?

Anyways.  Basically, our weekend sucked - but it could have been totally worse.  We survived.  And all signs point to winning millions of dollars.  So I suppose we can't really complain. 

Stay tuned.