Friday, January 28, 2011

Who Likes Presents From Chelsea?

Internet, I've started 3 different posts today - all of which I got incredibly bored of in about .37 seconds.  You know those weeks when you just aren't really feelin' the blog?  Currently, that would be me.  Hello.  

I mean, I could tell you about the light show we went to last weekend.  And how I felt completely baked the entire time.  (Not that I know what that feels like or anything, but you know.)  And how they wouldn't adhere to my incessant Justin Bieber requests because apparently the Biebs isn't considered alternative.  Damn.  


I could tell you about how I secretly want to have a baby on 11-11-11, because then my kid would be instantly cooler than the all the other kids.  And there has got to be some sort of prize for being born on that day.


I could tell you about how my fart knocker dog not only put bite marks into my wedding shoes - but how, this time, he rendered them completely unwearable by chewing the living shite out of them.  And how I wailed for a good solid hour because of it.


I could tell you about the red light violation ticket that the stupid officer gave me.

All those things seem so... boring right now.  Well, minus the 11-11-11 baby.  Because let's be honest, that would be awesome.

So, instead I decided I'm going to do my duty and pass this fun little giveaway doohickey along...

Pay it Forward 2011: I promise to send something handmade to the first 10 people who leave a comment. They must in turn post this and send something they made to the first 10 people who comment. The rules are that it must be handmade by you and it must be sent to your 10 people sometime in 2011.

I actually changed the number from 5 to 10.  Because I think getting presents in the mail is maybe one of the best things ever.  Well, and really because I'm just a super neat person. I'm not guaranteeing anything overly Martha Stewart special - so don't be disappointed if/when you get a couple of beautifully colored coloring books or a finger painted picture.  It's still fun though.  So leave me a good comment.  And when you pass it along, you're welcome to change the number back to 5, or 13, or 79 - or really whatever you want.  

So go ahead and leave your super great comments.  You know you want a special Chelsea present.

Be a winner.

Note: I just tried to find a semi-relevant picture to insert here.  Instead, I ended up looking at LOLcats (or whatever the hell they're called) for an embarrassing amount of time.  I hate those things.  And I hate even more that I found a small amount marginally amusing.  

Happy Weekend, Internet.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

My {Super Awesome} Wedding Video - Part 5

If you've missed the first four installments of the best wedding video ever, peruse the links below.

And this clip is mostly from our reception that we held at Noah's.
I loved everything about our reception.  Everything went perfectly.
Well, mostly everything.  But more on that later.

(Remember that I've cut out all the people telling us congratulations and giving us advice, which is why the end is so abrupt.)

Happy Longest-Day-of-the-Week, Internet.

Monday, January 24, 2011

I Like Surveys.

So I started a post to tell ya'll about my weekend that involved things other than watching 873 episodes of Friends in my underwear.  But then I decided my head hurts too much to use to use that that kind of brain power.  So you get the all-elusive survey that I was tagged in by the lovely Lady Fromage.  Surveys are easy.  I like surveys.  Plus, it gives my inner narcissist a chance to shine.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
It depends.  If Toby has just peed on the floor, mauled 3 pairs of shoes, and chewed up one of my used lady products - he's merely an animal.  The rest of the time we treat him like our freakin child.

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
Most of my dreams include dead babies or ex-boyfriends - but if we're not being literal here, it would be to go to Europe and ride an elephant.  And to have babies.  Ones that don't die.

3. What is the one thing most hated by you?
I'm not sure that there's one thing that's most hated by me.  I hate a lot of things.  Which is sad, really.  But seriously.  It's hard not to hate your dog when he destroys your wedding shoes past the point of no return.  It's hard not to hate people who can't throw up a courtesy wave after cutting me off.  It's hard not to hate when people can't take out the time to spell 'you' instead of 'u'.  It's hard not to hate losing at Mario Party.  

I love things too.  Like my husband, Coconut Dreams, and my elephant ring.  Don't worry.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
What wouldn't I do with a billion dollars.

5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Sleep, my husband, and watching Friends.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
I think they're both equally blessed.  They both enrich each other.

7. What is your bedtime routine?
It varies depending on how tired I am.  Usually involves the dental hygiene routine - more often than not, sans flossing.  Put the dog in his kennel.  Lock the doors.  Take the birth control.  Ask husband to check the doors again.  Read marriage book with husband.  Pray with husband.  Gossip to husband about everything under the sun until I fall asleep.

8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
We met in high school.

9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

I'm going to go with God on this one.

10. What kinds of books do you read?

Well, when I'm not stuck skimming reading textbooks - it's usually romance novels.  I try to steer clear of the trashy, porno ones with steamy, half naked bodies on the cover.  But, you know.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?

Married, staying at home with some kids, more wrinkles, rolls, and cottage cheese and a perfectly well-behaved dog who doesn't make me cry.  That sounds nice.

12. What’s your fear?
My dead baby dreams becoming reality.  Or anyone I love dying, really.

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
Nope.  Not even a little bit.  I don't think I could handle visiting outer space.  The paranoia of not getting back home, getting hit by a meteor, or suffocating to death would eat me alive.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?
Married and poor!

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Well I usually fall back asleep.  Waking up in the morning is not one of my strong points.  But when I actually am up.  I pee.  Isn't that what most people do?

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

Eh, nothing really.  My husband is pretty awesome just the way he is.  Except for when he beats me at stuff.  

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

I'm pretty okay with Chelsea.  Though, if I had to change it, I'd probably change it to one of those names where people would never believe that that was actually my name.  Like Brunhilda.  Or Pineapple.  Or Skeletor.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
Hard to say.  Did you kill my entire family?  Yeah, probably not.  I'm usually better with the forgiving than the 

forgetting.  I've been known to be somewhat of a grudge-holder.  Woopsie.

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

Food.   Oh, what kind of food?  Probably potatoes.  Those babies come in all sorts of variations.    

That was fun.  I don't know why I don't inundate the blog world with more of these.  Oh, aaaand I'm not going to tag anyone.  Because I always feel secretly sad when I want to do the survey and I don't get tagged.  Because no one wants to be the loser that did the survey when they weren't tagged.  So if you want to do this survey, then I tag you.

Arrivederci, Internet.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Wednesday Post. Yay.

If I don't start doing something semi-productive at work, I'm going to pass out.
And since I don't feel like dusting my desk for the 8,943rd time - I'm going with the all-elusive bullet blog.

-My lady doctor's people called yesterday.  I wasn't really sure why.  Then they started talking about tests they had run on my "samples."  I was sure they were going to tell me I had cancer.  Because, you know, I'm an all-star at assuming the absolute worst.  Turns out they were calling to tell me I officially had a UTI.  .....You don't say?  I tried my best not to be a complete smart ass on the phone.  I politely told her that my doctor had already written me a prescription for said UTI, and that everything was good.  She asked me if I was actually taking the prescription.  No ma'am, I enjoy feeling like I'm peeing fire.  Good grief.

-Our bishopric made an appointment to come talk with us last night.  Since we decided we didn't need another Elder's Quorum surprise visit on our hands, we decided to heed the sound advice of my 9 year old sister to "make sure and not be naked when they come."  We both made sure we were completely dressed and had all our underwear on.  We made sure the lube was in hiding, and that the completely tasteless sentences on our fridge were covered.  I'm proud to say that the only awkward moment during the visit was when Toby decided it'd be awesome to pass the most ungodly smelling wind ever.  And of course I had to announce that our dog had farted, because heaven forbid the Bishopric think that anything that offensive would ever come from my husband or I.  Which then led to me blabbing on about Toby's gas habits for the next 5 minutes.  Classy.

-I had a dream last night that I had two babies, and they both died.  I hate dead baby dreams.  I always wake up super depressed.  I think my dreams might start getting even more depressing once I actually have kids to worry about.  I already worry about my husband and my dog.  If I'm in the other room, and everything goes silent - I have to go and make sure they're still breathing.  Talk about paranoid.  My mom told me that when I was a baby, and she'd wake up before me, she'd sit and plan my funeral until I woke up.  So I suppose I come by it honestly.

-I started school.  I'm taking Social Psychology, Personality Theory, and Human Sexuality.  I'm pretty sure I'm most excited for the Human Sexuality class, because I'm mature.  Well, and we learn things like how way back in the day, men used to go out into the ocean and cut their penises with coral so they could bleed every month like women.  Snort.  WTF?  The professor told us that she usually does a game, where she has everyone right down a sexual term that they are uncomfortable hearing or saying, and then she points to random people and has them yell it as loud as they possibly can, multiple times.  You know, so we can get a little more comfortable with sex lingo.  I'm kind of glad we didn't play that game, because I couldn't think of a word I'd feel uncomfortable saying.  Anyways, as long as I avoid the clan of super, like, totally annoying sorority girls - and always remember to sit behind the chick that writes weird notes to herself (like, "Sex is of the devil.  I hope she gives us homework.") for sheer entertainment, then I think I'll be just fine.

I'm going to leave it at that.  

Life really is good.

Friday, January 14, 2011

My {Super Awesome} Wedding Video - Part 4

This is the beginning of the part of my wedding that I hadn't seen until this last Christmas - the actual day of our wedding.  (We showed the first part at our reception, so I had obviously already seen that.)  In between the next clips I'll show you, are clips of people at our reception telling us congratulations, and giving us amusing advice.  I'm not going to post those clips, only because I think some people would be immensely embarrassed.  And I mean, I'm all about embarrassing people.  But, you know.  Plus, it's not nearly as entertaining if you have no idea who the people are.

If you haven't seen the first parts of the video, look here and here.
I'm only going to show you the first little bit.  Because I'm all about cliffhangers.

By far the best day of my life.

Have a super weekend, Internet!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Fist Pump for PAP Smears (There's your warning, men.)

So, remember this?

Well, early last December I decided to make my not-so-sunny appointment with the lady doctor.
Better safe than sorry, I guess.

So I get there, and the nurse is doing all the pre-appointment stuff.  I tell her I think I might have a UTI, so she tells me to pee in a cup.  Which is fine.  But then she tells me that I need to start filling up the cup mid-stream.  I don't know about you, but once I start peeing, there's really no stopping it.  So I take me cup into the restroom and do my best to follow instructions.  Well, I definitely ended up peeing all. over. my hands and the stupid tiny cup.  Someone has got to come up with a more effective way of getting a urine sample.  Sheesh.

Anyways, I finally give her my cup of pee, and she handles it like a glass of juice.  (Barf.  I'd be the worst nurse ever.)  She puts a special stick in it that confirms that I do indeed have a UTI.  Sigh.

For the record, I am aware that you should pee after sex.  In fact that's probably one of the first words that usually come out of my mouth afterwards: "I have to pee!"  Super romantic, right?

Oh, was that too much?  Woopsie.  

I finally get into the doctor's office where I start getting naked, and realize that the window is wide open.  I'm sure that's just what the hospital patrons were hoping to witness as they entered the building.  Hello.

I put on the ugliest pioneer shawl thing ever.  I mean, not that I need to feel glamorous when someone is prying around in my downtown.  But c'mon.  I pranced around in the shawl for a second, because I'm an idiot.  Flipped the switch on to let the doctor know I was naked and ready and booked it to the examination table to put a sheet on my lap.  I probably didn't need to rush.  Because I sat there for about 10 minutes before she came in.  During those 10 minutes I noticed I hadn't shaved in, well, a while.  And I felt sort of stupid.  You'd have thunk I was about to go on a date with my doctor.  I mean, when all is said and done, we may as well have gone on a date.

Anyways.  The doctor finally shows up and greets me.  She remembers me from a year ago, when I was there for the very first time, getting my very first pap smear & premarital exam.  She mentions that I don't seem nearly as nervous as I was a year ago.  I respond with, "Well, now that I've had all sorts of people up in my business, this should be a walk in the park!"  All sorts of people?  Hello.  Hi doctor, I'm a hooker now - surprise!  I really was only referring to the waxing lady and my husband.  Word vomit becomes somewhat of an issue when my feet are in stirrups.

Courtesy of Google Images
As she started the breast exam, she asks me how the wedding and honeymoon went.  I told her the stretcher doo hickeys she gave me a year ago worked like a charm.  She gave me a confused look that let me know that's not really what she was asking.  Again, I blame the stirrups. 

As she had her metal thing scooping up my insides, it went silent.  And in those type of situations, I run from silence.  So I asked her some awkward question about whether or not my uterus is tipped.  Oh, Chelsea.  She puts her hand back in there and feels around, and lets me know that my uterus is tipped.  Great.  That really means absolutely nothing to me.  She hands me a tissue and walks over the table, while I'm still sitting there with my feet in the stirrups with my vag in the air.  We keep talking about uteruses and whatever else people are supposed to talk about in the confines of their lady doctor's office.  When I finally say, "So, uh, are you done?"  She laughs and tells me that "Uh, yeah" she's done.  So basically, I sat in the damn stirrups and had a full blown conversation with my doctor still fully exposed..  How awkward
She writes me a prescription and leaves. 

I hop off the table and look at the prescription that was supposed to be for my UTI.  It looked like it was an RX for the birth control I already had a presciption for.  So, I figure I'd already made an ass of myself, so I'd go ask someone if my presription was for birth control or for a UTI.  Because maybe I was just reading it wrong.  The nurse is busy, so of course I go and ask the registrar.  She gives me a WTF face and lets me back into the back to talk to a nurse.  I finally find someone in scrubs, tell them I need a stupid UTI prescription, and I finally get one.

I realize this isn't the worst thing that has happened in an OBGYN's office.  By a long shot.
But still.  As much as I enjoy peeing on my hands, and making myself look like a total nincompoop... I think I'd rather just avoid that whole situation.  It's just a small step out of my comfort zone.  (Chelsea has a comfort zone, wha?!)

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go chug some absolutely terrible cranberry juice and pick up a prescription that's finally ready.

What are your stories from the lady doctor's office? 

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Sometimes I'm a Drama Queen

So, once upon a time I couldn't go 7.3 seconds without someone raving in my face about how awesome Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred was.  Every woman on the planet was talking about how quick and easy it was.  And how they had lost a crap ton of weight.  And how I had to try it because it's practically the best damn thing since indoor plumbing. 

Anyone remember the last time I tried to work out via an at home video?  P90X ring any bells?  Go ahead and Google "P90X death," then you come back and tell me who's at the very top of that results list?

Oh, hi.  That would be me.
(Okay.  So that doesn't really mean much.  Other than I just wanted to brag that one of my posts made it to the top of the results for a specific search term.  That's when you know your life is exciting.)

Tony Horton still haunts my dreams.  The word 'Plyometrics' gives me rashes. And I hyperventilate a little when I see pull up bars.  Nevertheless, I decided that Tony Horton probably eats people like Jillian Michaels for breakfast and bought the all-elusive 30 Day Shred DVD.  It sat on my shelf for about 2 months before I finally decided to get off my increasingly large patooskie and see what this mess was all about.

I put on my super hot work out clothes, ate a Coconut Dream, then pressed play.  

I was under the immensely false assumption that the "Level 1" 20 minute workout would be a breeze.  I'm ashamed and all too embarrassed to admit that I made it through a grand total of 10 minutes of the workout before I felt like my lungs were going to drop out my butt, and my head was going to explode with excruciating pain.  Seriously.  How embarrassing.  Out of shape, much?  

I stomped into my bedroom, wailing that I was The Biggest Loser - thus commencing the most pathetic pity party ever.  My husband cautiously opened the door that I had just slammed, and with techno music and Jillian Michaels saying "Don't you dare quit!" flooding the background, he asked me WTF was up with the soap opera scene.  But obviously in a more gentle, husbandy kind of way.

And then I bawled.
And bawled.
And writhed in pain.
Then caught my breath.
And bawled some more.

I blubbered about how even the 700 million pound people on TV could probably get through 10 minutes of the bleepity bleeping work out.  But not me.  I continued on sobbing about the cottage cheese in my butt, the rolls on my back, and my ever-increasing amount of chins.  And that eventually managed to turn into me blubbering about being a lame wife.  Which then turned into me blubbering about having a boring job.  Which then turned into me thinking I was good for nothing.  Which then turned into me cursing the hell out of my birth control.  Which then obviously turned into me whining about wanting a baby.  My poor, poor husband sat and stared at me with a completely stunned look on this face as I sat and wiped snot, tears, and mascara all over the place.

World's most epic 22-year old tantrum ever.
Thank you for that, Jillian Michaels.

With the help of my husband, and some chocolate therapy - I started to calm down.  
Thank goodness, for that.  Or else it might have taken a lethal amount of Prozac to subdue the raging, hormonal, 4 year old that was yours truly.  Sometimes I think I need a therapist.  If but only to spare my husband the drama episodes.  Luckily I married a pretty cool dude, who doesn't make me pay him to cry.


After a week or so, I decided I'd try it again.  This time husband dearest offered to do it with me.  

I'm proud to report that I got through the entire 20 minutes without concluding with a sob fest.  
I'm also proud to report that even my husband, who so effortlessly does just about any work out, was sweating and just as red-faced as I was.  That may or may not be because, rather than dumbbells, he was using his new power tools as weights.  He walked into the room with the tools and said, "Now I'm the ultimate man."  Perhaps it was a location kind of thing, but I'm pretty sure that was about the funniest thing ever.  He said something similarly macho when Jillian Michaels referred to him as a "lady."  I unfortunately didn't get a picture/video - but fear not, Internet.  I will.


Moral of the story: 
I can do the 30 Day Shred.
My husband is a macho man.
And even though working out makes me want to cry, I will get better at it.

Anyone else have super embarrassing, dramatic, hormone-filled temper tantrums?
Anyone else sweat to Jillian Michaels?

(A.D.D. Note of the Day: Remember Sweatin' to the Oldies with Richard Simmons.  Now that was fun times.  Maybe it was because I was 9, and thought I was cool for dancing with a bunch of 30-something ladies.  But still.  Ain't nothing like bright colored leotards, big hair, and Richard Simmons.)

Courtesy of Bing Images

Happy Tuesday, Internet.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

My [Super Awesome] Wedding Video - Part Two. And Three.

If you missed the first part of the wedding video, look here.

Here's part two - WEE!

Aaaaaand part three, because I know the suspense is just killing you.

If you'd like the totally unabridged version, look here.

Hope your weekend was SUPER.

Mine involved lots of Mario Party, watching Friends, burning pumpkin chocolate chip bread and of course, harvesting my crops on my virtual Frontier.

Oh, and my dog chewing my wedding shoes.  Asshole.

Cheers, Internet!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Today is Friday, Today is Friday...

So I have definitely sucked at blogging this week.  Woopsie daisy!   But it's kind of for a good reason.  My cousin decided that it would be mildly amusing to have a bunch of people blog about The Bachelor.  And obviously I was all over that idea.  So I've been giving that blog a little more love than I have this one this week. The good news for you guys is that now you have a choice if you want to hear me go on and on about this season of The Bachelor - you can just mosey on over to The Bachelor Overdose where you will hear every single tiny little opinion I have of each episode.  And if you don't want to hear another word about The Bachelor - you can just stay right here, and rest assured I'll keep Bachelor shenanigans out of this little slice of the internet.

So since I don't want this post to be completely about whoring another blog out.  I'll leave you with a couple of video gems.  Because I did remember the video camera this morning.  Fist pump.

This is why I love my husband.
Kind of a lame video, I kept missing all the funny parts.  But I felt like an idiot holding a video camera up to the computer.  

And this is a not so great video of our special New Year's Eve tradition...
Couch + Skiis = Pretty fun and potentially harmful toy.

Okay.  So the rest of the videos are lame.  Soooo, that is all.

Well except for this.  Because it's funny. 

Courtesy of Google Images.

Any fun plans for the weekend, Internet?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

You Know Your Life is Boring When You Blog About Frontierville

I was going to show you what we did over the New Year, via video.  But naturally I left my camcorder at home.  Again.  


But other than that, nothing really earth shattering has happened.  Which is really okay, I guess.  Because the  earth-shattering stuff usually gives me anxiety.

That said, here's how exciting and non-shattered my world is...

We received Super Mario Bros for our Wii for Christmas and finally played it.  Shawn beat me at pretty much everything.  Except for the flag cranking game.  My wrist skills are unparalleled.  Which is only kind of awkward.

Toby has taken a new liking to my bras.  And my underwear.  And certain party favors that belong in the trash can in the bathroom.  There isn't a whole lot of anything that's more embarrassing than your dog running into a living room full of people, with a used pad in his mouth.  Basically, my dog is a huge perv.

I found a gift card from Target stashed away in all the cards from our wedding.  Yahtzee.  

And it just may or may not have occurred to me that we haven't sent out thank you cards for our wedding gifts we received last April.  *Cough*  How late is too late?  (Seriously, on a scale of 1-10, how lame would it be to send them this late?  Because I have about half of them written, just not... sent.)

I've never been a huge soda or caffeine addict.  But lately I've been craving Coke like it's going out of style.  

Ah, the return of The Bachelor.  Who's watching this season?  Seriously.  Because I'm not going to inundate you with my opinions every week unless some of you are actually watching.  Okay okay, maybe a few opinions to start.  Emily is our favorite so far (Shawn's, especially).  What the fang girl?  Craaazyyyy.  Didn't watch Brad's first season, but he doesn't seem real swoon worthy.  Unless he's not wearing a shirt.  And I love that girls are already crying on the first episode.  Yes.  Let the judging begin.

Remember how Shawn and I, out of sheer coolness, fart around on Facebook's Frontierville for hours on end?  We have to request things from our "neighbors" to finish our "missions."  (Sorry, Facebook friends.  You've probably already hidden my posts by now.  Your loss.)  Anyways, the pointless hours we spend on that damn game are almost worth it when we see the gems that show up on everyone's News Feeds.  Seriously.  Look at these.

All I have to say is that those were anything but an innocent accident.  Mildly amusing though, right?

Anyways.  That's my life, pretty much.  Thrilling, right?  
How exciting is your life right now?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

My [Super Awesome] Wedding Video - Part 1

So I told you that I'd show you the wedding video that I finally got for Christmas.  My wonderful husband figured out how to chop it into sections so you didn't have to watch the entire thing all at once.  Because, well, it's really long.  (So the clips kind of end abruptly and awkwardly, but it's better when it's played all together, promise.)

Before we got married, Kory (our phenomenal videographer) took us to places that were significant to Shawn and I to tell the stories of how we met, our first date, our first kiss, and how Shawn proposed. 

For the last 10 years I've been watching wedding videos that Kory has made, and I've loved every single one of them.  Needless to say, I'm thrilled to finally have my very own.

So we'll start out with the beginning, and the "how we met" story... and I'll probably post them in order every week.  Or twice a week.  Or just however often I feel like it, really.


The video clips you see this one are from when Shawn and I were in high school.  You know, just in case you didn't gather that on your own.

Happy 2011, Internet!