Thursday, January 13, 2011

Fist Pump for PAP Smears (There's your warning, men.)

So, remember this?

Well, early last December I decided to make my not-so-sunny appointment with the lady doctor.
Better safe than sorry, I guess.

So I get there, and the nurse is doing all the pre-appointment stuff.  I tell her I think I might have a UTI, so she tells me to pee in a cup.  Which is fine.  But then she tells me that I need to start filling up the cup mid-stream.  I don't know about you, but once I start peeing, there's really no stopping it.  So I take me cup into the restroom and do my best to follow instructions.  Well, I definitely ended up peeing all. over. my hands and the stupid tiny cup.  Someone has got to come up with a more effective way of getting a urine sample.  Sheesh.

Anyways, I finally give her my cup of pee, and she handles it like a glass of juice.  (Barf.  I'd be the worst nurse ever.)  She puts a special stick in it that confirms that I do indeed have a UTI.  Sigh.

For the record, I am aware that you should pee after sex.  In fact that's probably one of the first words that usually come out of my mouth afterwards: "I have to pee!"  Super romantic, right?

Oh, was that too much?  Woopsie.  

I finally get into the doctor's office where I start getting naked, and realize that the window is wide open.  I'm sure that's just what the hospital patrons were hoping to witness as they entered the building.  Hello.

I put on the ugliest pioneer shawl thing ever.  I mean, not that I need to feel glamorous when someone is prying around in my downtown.  But c'mon.  I pranced around in the shawl for a second, because I'm an idiot.  Flipped the switch on to let the doctor know I was naked and ready and booked it to the examination table to put a sheet on my lap.  I probably didn't need to rush.  Because I sat there for about 10 minutes before she came in.  During those 10 minutes I noticed I hadn't shaved in, well, a while.  And I felt sort of stupid.  You'd have thunk I was about to go on a date with my doctor.  I mean, when all is said and done, we may as well have gone on a date.

Anyways.  The doctor finally shows up and greets me.  She remembers me from a year ago, when I was there for the very first time, getting my very first pap smear & premarital exam.  She mentions that I don't seem nearly as nervous as I was a year ago.  I respond with, "Well, now that I've had all sorts of people up in my business, this should be a walk in the park!"  All sorts of people?  Hello.  Hi doctor, I'm a hooker now - surprise!  I really was only referring to the waxing lady and my husband.  Word vomit becomes somewhat of an issue when my feet are in stirrups.

Courtesy of Google Images
As she started the breast exam, she asks me how the wedding and honeymoon went.  I told her the stretcher doo hickeys she gave me a year ago worked like a charm.  She gave me a confused look that let me know that's not really what she was asking.  Again, I blame the stirrups. 

As she had her metal thing scooping up my insides, it went silent.  And in those type of situations, I run from silence.  So I asked her some awkward question about whether or not my uterus is tipped.  Oh, Chelsea.  She puts her hand back in there and feels around, and lets me know that my uterus is tipped.  Great.  That really means absolutely nothing to me.  She hands me a tissue and walks over the table, while I'm still sitting there with my feet in the stirrups with my vag in the air.  We keep talking about uteruses and whatever else people are supposed to talk about in the confines of their lady doctor's office.  When I finally say, "So, uh, are you done?"  She laughs and tells me that "Uh, yeah" she's done.  So basically, I sat in the damn stirrups and had a full blown conversation with my doctor still fully exposed..  How awkward
She writes me a prescription and leaves. 

I hop off the table and look at the prescription that was supposed to be for my UTI.  It looked like it was an RX for the birth control I already had a presciption for.  So, I figure I'd already made an ass of myself, so I'd go ask someone if my presription was for birth control or for a UTI.  Because maybe I was just reading it wrong.  The nurse is busy, so of course I go and ask the registrar.  She gives me a WTF face and lets me back into the back to talk to a nurse.  I finally find someone in scrubs, tell them I need a stupid UTI prescription, and I finally get one.

I realize this isn't the worst thing that has happened in an OBGYN's office.  By a long shot.
But still.  As much as I enjoy peeing on my hands, and making myself look like a total nincompoop... I think I'd rather just avoid that whole situation.  It's just a small step out of my comfort zone.  (Chelsea has a comfort zone, wha?!)

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go chug some absolutely terrible cranberry juice and pick up a prescription that's finally ready.

What are your stories from the lady doctor's office? 


  1. My favorite part of this post:

    (Chelsea has a comfort zone, wha?!)

    You do?!

  2. Ugh. You had to go and remind me that I'm due to schedule an appointment. Feck.

  3. I once had a Uti on my period, but the doc was convinced I was pregnant, so she made me pee in a cup, but it came out all red...yeah. Not cool. Stupid doctor!

  4. Now totally seriously, i think going to the dentist is by FAR worse!!
    I Do mind someone having their fingers up inside me (an I have to go all 6 month for health insurance, but if someone puts their fingers inside my Mouth(I mean HELLOOOO) I go apeshit crazy..

  5. hahaha had me laughing out loud.

    my doctor's office story involved me going in for a pap smear and ending up passed out on the floor. yes. love the strangers foolin around in the lady bits.

  6. AHAHAHAHA!!! Oh God, I hate those exams. At least yours made for a great story! I honestly don't think there's anything more awkward than an annual "womanly exam"...

  7. I love it. I am so glad that "WE" are not the only ones out there that HAVE to pee after the PO-DO. Pretty sure i am the only guy that will respond to this too.

  8. I couldn't help but notice the image you posted was from google images. What did you google? I would be a little scared to find out....

  9. I might win with this interesting factoid:
    My GYN has tourettes.

    Yes, as in the uncontrollable twitching and mumbling disorder.

    As long as he's busy, he doesn't twitch. But having a conversation with him about the pill is a little, uh, difficult while his arm is flailing about yet his face is fully focused on what you are saying.

    SO. WEIRD.
    yet I refuse to see anyone else b/c there's something to be said about a doctor who has overcome his own problems.

  10. LOL. I love you.

    Sorry about your UTI. Hope you feel better! My GYN likes to ask me questions about school and teaching while feeling up my vag. It's fun.

  11. I still think there should be an easier way to check the lady parts without basically molesting your patients. Just sayin'. It's wrong on several levels. This is the same for guys too. Why do we still have to fondle and prod in the most sacred of parts? Haven't we made technological advances?

    Sorry about your UTI though. I hope you get better soon. Tract infections are a nasty business. :(

  12. I've had a UTI, like a couple dozen times. No matter what is done prior or post sex I still get one. Apparently I'm allergic to my husband or something. lol The first time it happened I tried to fix it with cranberry juice and otc meds. Then my kidneys started to ache, yup the infection moved into my kidneys. Stupid infection.

    I too have been in a OB/GYNs office where the window was wide open. I closed it before I dropped my drawers. lol Gotta love the awkwardness of being exposed to a total stranger who then violates you in the name of "good health."