Wednesday, June 29, 2011

There's More Bounce in California.

So this past weekend husband and I decided to take advantage of our flight benefits and head over to Long Beach, California.  We were originally planning to go to Florida, but with all the premenstrual weather happening on the East coast, our chances of getting on a plane were about as good as the chances my bras have against Toby.

So we threw all our crap into a couple of suitcases and we were off!  We were able to rent a car because Hertz was doing a deal where they would waive the (incredible overpriced) underage fees.  (Just when we though 21 was the magical age.  Eff.)  We got ourselves a super sleek, sexy Chevy Aveo.  I made Shawn the "designated driver" and proceeded to make fun of him for driving a girl car around California.  And that, my friends, is straight out of the How To Be An Excellent Wife handbook.

We stayed at a Holiday Inn, nothing too fancy - but it served it's purpose well.  After we got settled in, it was around 8ish PM, so we decided to go exploring.  We found this totally random street that was chuck full of college age students roaming the streets hanging out at the bars, other little shops, and eating food set up on a bunch of random tables throughout the street.  It was the most random street in the history of ever, I swear.  All the houses around the street were full of younger people as well, people were sitting around fires in their front yard, playing with their dogs, and sometimes we could see straight into the windows where a bunch of people were hanging out.  Funnest. neighborhood. ever.  Shawn has a little video on his phone while we were walking down the street, so if I figure out a way to put it on here, I will.

We decided to be really exciting and get tickets to go on the Let's Make A Deal game show with Wayne Brady the next day.  Fun, right?!  (Not to mention, totally free.)  I had my chicken costume (oh, yeah) but we didn't really have anything for Shawn - we tried going to few stores but everything was starting to close.  We ended up in some huge costume store in Hollywood the next day where we purchased a 70 dollar hippie costume for Shawn.  That was about as low-end as we could get, next to slapping a diaper and binky on him.  Apparently he wanted to maintain a sliver of dignity.  Which is probably a good thing, because any pride I had went out the window the second I got out of the car and walked down the streets of Hollywood in a chicken suit.   And I'm just going to tell you now that I don't have any pictures.  Which super sucks - but we were in such a hurry, and weren't allowed to bring phones, or cameras, or anything into the studio.  I was so exhausted afterwards, that I totally forgot to hurry and snap a quick picture.  Oh well.  Perhaps we'll recreate it it some time.

We found where we were supposed to be lined up, which wasn't really very hard, because everyone in line looked just as ridiculous as we did.  We ended up standing in line and waiting for about 3ish hours.  And I'd just like to remind you that I was in a chicken suit, in the middle of the afternoon, in California.  You do the math.  We finally got into the air conditioned studio where we got a seat right in the front and right behind where Wayne Brady does all his deals.  So yes, my big ass chicken self is in about 80% of all the freakin' shots - at least that's what it felt like.  Every time I looked up at the TVs, it was either Shawn or I in the background.  Which is mostly hilarious and awesome - and only semi-depressing, because I was sweating like a damn pig the entire time.  We didn't get picked for any deals - which kind of sucked.  But it was still WAAAAAAAAAY fun!  I highly suggest it to anyone that is around the L.A. area.  Every time they took a break the crowd just turned into a huge dance party.  It. was. awesome.  Would it have been even more awesome to win 25,000 dollars?  Sure.  But we still had a fabulous time!  They weren't sure when that particular episode was going to air, but my guess is sometime in October or November.  Ya'll know I'll tell you the second I know - and then remind you every day to watch it.  So even though I don't have pictures right now, you will get more than enough when the show airs.  Promise.

I was so exhausted afterwards from all the dancing, screaming, and clapping (seriously, try clapping for an hour and a half straight - and tell me how your hands feel afterwards) so we drove back to our hotel and relaxed.  The rest of the weekend didn't consist of much else, except soaking up the sun at the beach... Turns out that anything much beyond that is really expensive!  The beach felt really nice though.  You know, until a seagull took a pretty little dump ALL. OVER. ME.  Not even kidding.  I don't know what I did to piss off that particular seagull, but there was crap on my legs, shorts, and swimsuit.  Super disgusting, I know. I gotta hand it to him though, if I were a seagull, I'd probably do the same thing.  Go around and steal everyone's food, then shi all over the most unsuspecting people.  That has got to be a rockin' good time for seagulls.

There were a few things that Utah has that California doesn't...

-Clean, spacious freeways.
-BBQ chicken pizza from Pizza Hut (California "don't have no BBQ chicken pizza" apparently.  True story.)
-Subways that accept Subway cards (Shawn handed the dude his Subway card to get some points and the guy was like, "Uh, so, what is this for?"  Seriously?)
-Potty trained seagulls.

But seriously, we had a really good time.  It was really relaxing and nice to get away.  We almost didn't make it back on the flight for the way home - but the Standby Gods were watching out for us and we just barely made it on.  WOO.

I realize this post is totally lacking pictures and videos - and well, a general lack of amusement or humor... But I can't find my video camera, my husband isn't sending me the video from his phone, I work in 3 minutes, and I think you guys will survive!


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Go Ahead, Pick Your Own Title.

Reason #73 Why You Should Buy a Cat Instead of a Dog
Reason #98 Why You Should Buy Your Bras at Wal Mart
Reason #11 Why Throwing Underwear on the Floor Midst Throes of Passion is Not an Option.
Reason #173,987,542 Why I Should Sell my Douche Waffle Dog to the Circus

The strap?  Seriously?  What dog goes for the strap over the lace?  

Oh, wait.  
The ones who eat wedding shoes, blinds, and used feminine hygiene products. 

Sometimes my dog is about as useless as my bra.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Birthdays, Fish Cupcakes, and Ugly Ass Pants

It's been a crazy week, Internet.  I've sat down about 84 times to recap some of my days, only to get sidetracked by Toby destroying something, my husband running around the house without pants, or any number of riveting reality television shows.  In any event, the dog is outside, and my husband... well, I don't really know where he is.  But let's just hope he's wearing pants.  Anyways, I have a little bit of time for a few bullets.  Rejoice.

-Toby had a birthday on Wednesday.  Since we were "saving money", we didn't really purchase anything for him - but rather gave him a stuffed animal we won at a game at Lagoon.  And when I say "won", I mean we essentially just paid the guy ten dollars for a stuffed animal.  (Which is ridiculous, I know.  But in the grand scheme of things, I wasn't going to walk out of there without a prize, because I like winning.  And paying $10 for a for sure prize as opposed to paying $30 and possibly not getting anything - sounds better to me.)

Here it is.  

Toby de-stuffed it in about 2.7 seconds.

-My lovely mother had a birthday the same day (Happy Birthday, Mom.  WEE.).  Which also happened to be the day that my little brother left on his mission.  And I also was working all day.  But we went to a movie with her and my dad, Midnight in Paris.  It was pretty good - except that I didn't understand 87% of the historical references.  Shawn and I also managed to sneak in about 9 boxes of candy in the back of his shirt.  We are Jedi masters of sneaking crap into theaters, yo.  (I suppose I come by it honestly.  My mother has been knows to sneak pizza boxes and gallons of milk into theaters.  True story.)

-I mowed our back lawn.  And found two dead birds.  Apparently Toby has been channeling his inner cat.  And it seriously grosses me out.

-Christian (brother on a mission) spoke in church this last Sunday prior to him leaving.  Afterwards, we had a crap ton of people over at my parent's house eating food.  My mom had asked us to bring cupcakes, which is simple enough.  But I decided I wanted to have awesome cupcakes a la Thanksgiving 2010.  So they didn't really turn out that awesome.  And I was impressed with them until people started asking what was with the fish cupcakes.

C'mon people.  Why the hell would I make fish cupcakes for a mission farewell.  I do see how people might think it's a fish if they were looking at it from a different angle.  But it's a tie and a badge, you know, like missionaries wear.

I didn't think it was a terribly huge stretch.  But oh well.  We also made cupcakes with the New Mexico flag on it.  Which isn't really as hard as it might sound when you see the flag...

Yeah.  Yellow frosting + that stringy licorice stuff.  Bam.  New Mexico cupcakes.  (I didn't get any pictures of those, because I was too busy screaming at everyone who thought there were fish on my cupcakes.) Anyways.  Everything went well - and we came home and I opened the fridge and found this...

Apparently I was mistaken when I thought we had frosted the 8,934 dozen cupcakes we had made.  This on top of all the freakin' cupcakes we brought home too.  I realize that I'm now complaining about having too many cupcakes.  Apparently my life is super hard.  (Cue giant collective eye roll.)

-We went to TJ Maxx and found the most odd pair of pants in the history of pants.

Why would anyone want that on their ass?  Well, besides my husband, who squealed like a school girl when he saw them.

Anyways, I start my shift in about 30 seconds - so I had better get going. 

Chelsea love you long time.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Chelsea's 10 Easy Steps to Saving Money

Step One:  Lose your purse.  (Preferably after you've "lost" several other items over the past few days, including but not limited to your keys, a jump drive, and your favorite jewelry.  Because you've magically aged 83 years in two days.)

Step Two:  Call everyone you know at an ungodly hour in the morning and ask if they've seen it anywhere.

Step Three:  Cry, when not a single person knows where it is and all efforts of locating your purse are 100% fruitless.  (Also because you're tired and Aunt Flo is having a battle royale with your uterus.)

Step Four:  Check your car for the 53rd time.  Just in case.

Step Five:  Turn on your selective hearing and ignore your husband when he suggests where it might be.

Step Six:  Automatically assume the absolute worst and call the credit card company to cancel all your debit/credit cards and pin number.

Step Seven:  Cry.

Step Eight:  Start creating a police report online (because apparently that's a thing now) even though you know it won't do a dang thing.

Step Nine:  Shrivel up and die a little bit when your husband walks in the room mid-police report and informs you that you left your purse at your in-law's house when you were there for a grand total of 8 minutes earlier that night.

Step Ten:  Cry.  Either because you're happy that your purse wasn't stolen, or because you're pretty sure you're losing your mind.  Or all of the above, because during this time of the month, you can.

Voila!  Now you have your purse, but can't use any of your credit cards or access your bank account for at least the next 4 days.  Money saved.  Genius.  Pure genius.

You're welcome.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Before and After of Our New Home!

So when I said I'd have a video of our new house soon the other day - I wasn't lying.  I even edited it for you.  (Mostly because I after cleaning my house so many times, I have virtually nothing left to do except crafts.  And we all know the likelihood of that actually happening.)  

So, a few things to mention before hand.  There is a before video and an after video.  Then before/after pictures at the end for those of you who have nothing better to do, or who want to skip both the videos and cut to the chase (if that's the case, skip to around 14:52).  So as you can imagine, it's a rather long-winded video.  

I realized after spending an hour and a half uploading the video that I left a little mistake in there during the picture portion, and if you watch it, you'll definitely see it.  It wasn't worth going back and fixing, so I just left it in there.  Don't judge me.  

Anyways, without further ado - I give you the Before and After of our first home!

A bit of a step up from our apartment, eh?  

Anyways, if you watched the whole thing - you win.
If not, eh, I don't really blame you.

Shalom, Internet

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

If you never hear from me again, this is why.

Today when I look out my window I see a less blue version of this:

Looks normal, right?

Except for there's a dude in that car.  And he's been sitting there for a good hour.  This isn't the first time it's happened either.  Apparently it's a popular thing in our neighborhood to park across from our house and hang out in your car.  Creepy much?

Normally I'd say, oh, they're probably there for the house across the street.  Except if that were the case why would they be parked on the side of their house.  Not to mention that no one lives in that house.

The dude is just sitting there looking at a bunch of papers and running his fingers through what hair he has left on his head - which I suppose is better than him sitting there doing nothing, and/or staring at my house.

But still.  Go to McDonald's or a gas station or your house and read your papers.  Don't park your creepy ass in front of someone's house and hang out for an hour or two.

I think the fact that I'm home alone, and bored out of my mind probably doesn't help the stories my imagination is coming up with of a balding man axing the shit out of my door and slaughtering me and my dog.

Now obviously that won't happen.  But I can assure you I will not be showering until my husband gets home.  Because if scary movies have taught me anything, it's that nothing good ever happens in the shower.  Especially when there are creepy, balding men camped out in front of your house.

May your Wednesday be less boring and creepy than my Wednesday.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Pinterest, Face Wands, and Winning Credit Scores

So I've started about 700 different blog posts and never end up finishing them because I get bored of them after 6.3 seconds.  Which is why we're going bullet style today.

-I finally joined the whole Pinterest bandwagon.  It's cool and everything, but I'm not sure that I find enough cool crap on the internet to merit me "pinning" something myself.  So now I find myself looking for pinnable stuff online, simply because I have a grand total of 3 "pins" and it makes me feel like a failure.

-I finally had a dream that I had a baby (well twins, actually) and they didn't die.  And I think I was more upset waking up from that dream, than the dead baby dreams because the twins were so dang cute and I wanted to keep them.

-Working from home is pretty great.  However one drawback is that I sometimes may or may not shower for a few days.  On the days I work, I usually roll out of bed, brush my teeth, wash my face and go to my office.  By the time I get off 10 hours later, it seems almost pointless to shower.  Don't even judge me.

-I called our bank to add Shawn to my credit card that I've had for a while - and found out that our credit scores are stellar, and that makes me all too pleased.  On the other hand, however, we've hit an all-time low in our checking account.  Turns out 800 dollars worth of car repairs and a house payment will do that.

-We bought season passes to Lagoon (an amusement park in Utah) again - and while Lagoon isn't really my favorite place in the entire world, I don't particularly feel like being the chump that stays at home because roller coasters bring out the 80 year old in me.

-One of my lovely blogger friends (oh yeah, I have those) wrote a post reviewing the Clarisonic Mia, a contraption which I had never really heard of until I read that post.  Supposedly it was this miraculous little face washer, that essentially made your face look awesome.  After reading all the reviews on Amazon, I couldn't not get it.  Only catch is it was a tad bit pricey (do you like how I tell you this right after I tell you how poor we currently are?) I waited for the right time to tell husband that I may or may not have spent over a hundred bucks on a face washer.  And when he had just about crapped his pants, I assured him that it is a magic face washer.  I've had it for about 2 weeks now, and lovingly refer to it as my magic face wand.  I still am having some fun little break outs right now, but from what I understand it's normal for the first few weeks because it's getting so much shi out of your pores.  My face is a TON less oily though and much more smooth.  My husband still isn't convinced it does a damn thing.  I'll show him.

-Shawn and I are going to try to fly to Orlando at the end of this month - because I've never been there and because we can. Fist pump for free flight benefits.

-My little brother is leaving to Albuquerque, New Mexico next Wednesday to serve his 2 year LDS mission.  I'm really going to miss him - but I'm certain he'll be a fabulous missionary!  So if any of ya'll are out in the Albuquerque area, watch out for an Elder Chamberlain.

-I realize I still haven't shown you guys a video of my house like I did for our apartment.  You've probably got the gist of it from the pictures and few videos I've posted - but I'll still do a video tour soon.  Because those are fun.

My dog has officially been licking himself for about 14 minutes now, and it's grossing me out.
And I'm pretty sure he just swallowed a bobby pin.

  Sooo we'll call that good for now. 

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Annoying "Vote for my Pet Cause He's the Cutest" Post

When we hacked Toby's manhood off (and by we, I mean a professionally trained veterinarian), we gave up the opportunity to pimp him out to all the lady Corgis to make a little extra money more totally radical puppies.  And let's be honest, those puppies would have been good looking.

And just in case you can't remember just how cute Toby was as a puppy...

Anyways... What's done is done.  Toby isn't going to magically grow fully functioning balls anytime soon - much to his chagrin, I'm sure.  So I decided if we can't pimp him out to the ladies, why not pimp him out to the likes of the internet - because I'm a superb human being like that.

A few Google "cutest pet contest" searches later and I found a few to enter Toby into.

And this is where I need ya'll to help a woman out.

I don't have any way of getting you to Toby's picture specifically, so you'll need to start rating the pet pictures until you see this picture:

And then you'll give him a 10, because hello.  He was in third place, and then went all the way to 10th in about t minus 7 seconds.  Which kind of depresses me.  My dog is hella better looking than the rest of those dogs.

The contest lasts until next Tuesday, I believe.  It won't actually give us money for winning - but I like winning so much, that I obviously had to blog about it.

Also?  On a semi-related note.  Please watch this video... If you're still not convinced that Corgis are the most awesome dog in the history of ever - this will help, I swear.  Shawn and I watched it at least 8 times because we were laughing so hard.  (It wouldn't let me embed the video here, sorry!)

Happy Wednesday, Internet!

Oh, and if I found you're one of the douche waffles giving my dog one star I'll mail you some anthrax.
Or something.