Monday, August 22, 2011

5 Completely Valid Reasons

I will never participate in a (legitimate) beauty pageant.

About a week ago, one of my friends asked if I'd go with her to a local beauty pageant her friend was participating in.  Now I'm not huge on the whole world of pageants, but who am I to decline a night of judging a bunch of girls competing for a crown?  (Literally, I scored them all on a scale of 1-10 on my program for each category.  I'm legit, yo.  Or really lame.  Whatever.  The program was about 1,847 hours long.  I had to keep myself interested somehow.)  Anyways, I've always told this friend I went with, that the only way I'd ever participate in a beauty pageant was to improve someone else's chances of winning.  I have nothing against women who are into competing in pageants, it's just not my thing.  At all.  

And this is why.

Reason 1: Evening Wear

Any evening wear I still own consists of a prom dress, and my wedding dress.  I'm fairly certain I don't even fit into the prom dress anymore, and although my wedding dress is bitchin', I can't imagine that's what they're going for.  The one and only "pageant" I've ever participated in was one a fraternity was putting on, so they could select their "Mu 8 Cow Woman" for the year.  (And now that I look back on it, sounds more like a fat joke than anything.)  Anyways, they told us all we needed to be dressed in evening wear for the "pageant".  So, of course, wanting to impress the men of Mu, I showed up in my evening best.

Yeah.  That happened.  

Because obviously evening wear encompasses anything comfortable enough to sleep in.  

Reason 2: Talent

If you don't sing, dance, or play the piano like mother freakin' Beethoven - you probably don't have any talents.  I kid.  But that is pretty much all I've ever seen at the pageants I've been to, with a few exceptions.  While some girls are stellar performers, the other are... well... not.  I can honestly say I don't have any talents that would score me a crown.  Well, any appropriate talents anyway.  For the fraternity pageant, I went with poetry as my talent.  Self-created poetry, because I'm hard core.  Oh?  You want to read the poem I wrote?  OKAY!

Roses are red
Mu is so neat
Being here with yo, is simply a treat
All of you guys are such handsome young fellas
Any other dude ought to be extremely jealous
For this fraternity is blessed with charm and good looks
The type of men that we only read of in books
I mean, seriously guys, take a big look around
All these girls lined up, in hopes to be your crowned
But alas, only one will earn the right
To be named Mu's 8 Cow Woman on this very night
But who will you choose?  It should be a wise decision
One made with much insight, common sense, and precision
The chosen girl must be crazy, and fun, though not too weird
She should be smart, and confident, but definitely not feared
Now I'll give you some advice, and I think you'll agree
That clearly the best choice, is the one and only me
For I am all of the above mentioned features
I'm definitely one of a kind out of all of God's creatures
I'll try to make you laugh til you pee in your pants
I'm caring and thoughtful and I know how to dance
Life gave you a lemon, baby I'm your lemonade
I'm the queen to your castle, the ace to your spade
And if you don't end up choosing me, that's just fine
Because I'm not worth eight cows, I'm worth nine.

Pretty superb poetry, amiright?  However something tells me my poems might not fly in an actual pageant environment.  Their loss, my poems are far more entertaining than watching a handful of girls pretend they can sing and dance well.  Or maybe not.  My whole idea of "talent" has been completely tainted by the likes of shows like America's Got Talent and So You Think You Can Dance.  

Reason 3: Swimsuit Competition

If there is one thing that gives me nightmares, it's the thought of ever having to do any sort of swimsuit competition.  I can barely get in a swimsuit in the comfort of my own home without having a complete meltdown.  Add in a pair of high heels and every ounce of bare skin jiggles when you walk.  Even the girl who looks like she hasn't eaten for 7 months jiggles.  It'd be like the damn Macy's Day Parade gone terribly, terribly awry if I were to ever prance across a stage half naked in heels.  Sort of makes me want to throw up a little just thinking about it.  The only way I'd ever compete in a swimsuit is if I could wear a full body suit, complete with flippers.  But I've been informed that is now against the rules.  Props to the chick who is the reason that rule is in place.

Reason 4: Interview Question

If there's any part of a pageant where I have the most respect for the girls competing, it's during the interview questions.  Some of those questions are hard.  At least for people like me, who barely have a surface knowledge of current government events.  I notice that most the girls more or less just repeat the question in answer form when they don't have a good answer.  I'm not even sure I'd be able to spit that out.  I'm pretty certain I'd wet myself a little and crack an inappropriate joke.  My favorite part of watching this portion of the competition, is that couple seconds after the question has been read, the look on the girl's faces who have no idea what the answer is.  Talk about crapping a small brick.

Reason 5: Eligibility

So, I'm married.  And apparently that's an instant disqualifier in pageant world.  Darn.

So basically in a nut shell, I don't think I could take the pageant seriously enough to have any sort of competitive edge.  Which is fine, there are plenty more women who deserve a crown much more than I do.  

Oh, and also?

Turns out a personality was all I needed to get a crown in my pageant.  

You know that's right.


  1. I love this post! And your poem. You should get published!

  2. Johnny Lingo - one of the best movies ever made. Seriously, one of your talents is this blog. It is super entertaining and very enlightening. Also, I learn new dirty words from you all the time. So that's good too.