Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Wordless Wednesday: Our 15 Seconds of Fame

Remember this?

Guess what aired today?

(An arrow, just in case I didn't stand out enough.)


(Again, probably no need for the arrows.) 

You get the gist.

The fact that I look like a complete idiot pretty much any time my face is on the screen aside, it was fun to watch.  And if you missed it, despair not.  You can watch it here.  

(Unimportant Sidenotes: The chick dressed up as a doll?  Huge bitch.  Also, the "dancing ninjas"?  Just as annoying as they look.)

We rule.  And that is all.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Promotions, Modge Podge, & HotPants

So plenty of things have happened recently that would probably merit their own post.  But because that obviously didn't happen, we'll do the condensed version.  Because I'm all about efficiency.

1.  I got a promotion at work!  

This is spectacular for a variety of reasons - which include, but aren't limited to...

Way more money than I was making in my last department.  Holla.
No more taking calls from intellectually impaired people - or really any people, for the most part.
Social media plays a big part in my new position... and hello, paid to Tweet?  Yes, please.
Awesome, laid back people in my department.
More freedom to make my own decisions in regards to customer issues.
Responding to complaints via email - I'll take someone bitching at me through email over the phone any day.

Basically I'm just really excited about the new job.  I've only been training for 3 days now, and already love it 8424589234 Coconut Dreams more than my last position.  It's that good.  Not to mention I don't think my bank statement will be this sad ever again.

(Yeah.  I wasn't lying when I said I took way too much time off work when I was doing Reservations.) 

 So even though I loathe change, I'm embracing this particular one with gusto.

2. I didn't sleep in our bedroom for a few nights.

Luckily it wasn't because my husband was being a jackass, because he wasn't.  I wanted to to cozy up with my dude while we watched a movie, but unfortunately our couches weren't really manufactured to accommodate spooning.  Sooooo, because he's awesome, Shawn brought in our mattress and plopped it in front of the TV.  And we snuggled.  Because we are in love.  It's sounds pretty much like the dorkiest thing ever, but it was fun.  Apparently we were too lazy to move it back, so we kept it in our living room for a second night.  Toby, albeit confused, was loving having a gigantic mattress in the middle of the floor almost as much as I did.  So seriously, if you're totally bored with life, throw your mattress in another room.  If for no other reason than to confuse the hell out of people.  Spice up your life, yo.

3.  I bought my first thinger of MODGE PODGE.

I'm not sure if you remember at all how not crafty I am.  But Pinterest has me bound and more damn determined than ever to successfully complete a craft.  (Well, Pinterest and Super Saturday.  I finished a craft there, and it actually turned out significantly better than previous attempts have.  But it's not time for me to reveal that masterpiece quite yet.)  Anyways, I went to JoAnne's and perused the aisles, having not a clue in the world what I wanted to purchase.  I found the Modge Podge, and aside from just simply sounding like an awesome thing to buy, I've read about it being used on about a gazillion things on Pinterest - so I bought it, thinking there had to be something I could use it for.  And as fate would have it, there was.

Remember that absolutely horrendous Halloween party we threw last year?  Well we had a butt ton of Halloween napkins leftover, that apparently I decided we should keep (because apparently my obsessive 'keep everything that we'll never use' disorder is not just limited to grocery bags.)   We also had these two pumpkins that Shawn and I had bought because they were cute and small, and saved us a dollar on Coke.  So I had napkins, Modge Podge (#bestwordever), and a pumpkin.  You probably know where I'm going with this, and I'm 100% proud to say that I came up with the idea all. by. myself.  (Googling it afterwards, I realized I wasn't the only craft genius... But nevertheless.)  And here is my (albeit amateur) masterpiece!

Eeeeeeh?!  I also apparently decided to bedazzle the crap out of the other pumpkin (an idea which may or may not have come from that one website.)  Anyways, it's nothing that would land me my own talk show, but I'm still pretty proud of it.

4.  My husband inherited a new nickname.

And it's HotPants.  Go ahead, say it a few times.  It's even funner to say than Modge Podge.  Not that the back story is important, because HotPants is a bad ass pet name in any event.  But, I got an email from Groupon Goods advertising a good deal they had on a product called HotPants.  I looked into the website, where they made promises of losing "2 jean sizes in 2 weeks," and getting rid of cellulite, and all this other stuff that obviously sounded awesome.  Apparently how HotPants work, is by making you sweat 80% more than you normally do when you work out.  Which, if you're me, is already a disgusting, manly amount.  And even though I hate sweating with the fiery passion of 489320483902 suns, I wanted HotPants.  I immediately called my husband and launched into my argument of why I had to buy HotPants - making sure to say HotPants as much as humanly possible.  Because the best part about owning a pair of HotPants, is being able to make it a part of your daily vocabulary.  If you don't believe that I wouldn't, go ahead and count how many times I've already said HotPants in this paragraph.  Yeah.  Awesome.  Aaaanyways, I knew that something as easy as putting on a pair of thick bike shorts wasn't going to lead to permanent weight loss.  Which my dietetic guru friend confirmed, explaining the entire process of losing fat, and how the HotPants would only make me lose water weight... yadda yadda yadda.  So I begrudgingly didn't buy a pair of HotPants.  But I still needed to have an excuse to keep saying HotPants.  Thus my husband's nickname was born.  So if you're ever referring to my husband, he isn't Shawn, he's HotPants.  He keeps telling me that it won't stick.  But all good things take time.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Wordless Wednesday: Chelsea Can Kind Of Cook Edition

Cinnamon sugar pretzel bites & vanilla glaze.  (The pretzels may or may not look as pretty as the picture online, but I pretty much couldn't care less.  Because they taste like pretzels going down, and that's all that matters.)

 I be bitchin' in the kitchen, yo.

This post brought to you by a word that rhymes with Flintersmest.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Free Time? I Have It.

The other day I kept finding random fruit flies in pretty much every room I walked into.  Which is not only disgusting, but extremely irritating.  I had absolutely no idea where they were coming from.  As I was explaining my theory of fruit flies evolving out of nothing to my husband, he opened the cupboard under our kitchen sink.  And that's precisely when the whole freaking mother load of fruit flies decided to swarm our kitchen.  Shawn pulled a bag of potatoes out and we new exactly where the fruit flies were coming from. (And yes, we are probably the only people in the entire world that keep potatoes under our sink.  Go ahead and judge us.)  I didn't completely lose it until Shawn handed me the bag of rotten, smelly, moldy, dripping bag of fruit fly potatoes.  He wasn't wearing pants (what else is new?), so I had to run the bag out to the garbage.  And yes, I drama queened it up the whole way to the garbage.  Screaming and all.  I'm sure I concerned our neighbors just a tad.  Shawn may as well have handed me a damn grenade.


The next morning, I didn't have a car to go anywhere, so I decided I'd unearth the disaster underneath our kitchen sink.  Because clearly we weren't paying enough attention down there.  

Wait for it.

Right?  No wonder we were breeding an army of tiny bitch flies down there.  

I started emptying the cupboards, when I hit a goldmine that I'm 74% sure would land me right in the middle of an episode of Hoarders.

I think it's safe to say that there were at least 15 or so bags stuffed in each one of those bags.  (Yes, we are bad people and don't use the eco-friendly bags for our groceries.  Judge away.)  I'm not at all certain why we've felt it necessary to stow away every single freakin' grocery bag we've ever possessed - besides using them as garbage bags in the bathroom and Toby poop bags.  But nevertheless, I wanted more organization.  (Because apparently I inherited the "Clean things that no will ever notice" trait from my lovely mother.)  So I spent at least three hours turning this...

Into this....

Check me out!  The fact that I spent such an effing long time doing grocery bag origami, is a little embarrassing.  But the fact that it saves a BUTT ton of space, makes me feel less loser and more awesome.  I happily reported to Shawn that I had been somewhat productive with my time off.  (Because it's hard to feel completely productive when something so lame takes that long.)  When he got home, I proudly opened the cupboard and told him to find what I had spent a majority of the day doing.  

He gave me the most confused look ever and muttered, "It took you three hours to clean out the cupboard?"    (Men.  I don't think my eyes could have rolled any further into my cranium.)  After pretending to be supremely offended, I told him to keep looking, and he finally found my Ziploc bag full of grocery bags.  And he had no idea what they were.  Which was precisely the moment I realized I had probably just wasted 4 hours of my day.  When he finally figured out what they were, he shrugged and said, "Coooooool."  At which point I went from this

To this...

In about 4.3 seconds.
(GIFs make life so much better.)

I blamed boredom and lack of a car for my random urge to fold 79 million grocery bags, at which point my husband informed me that I had the car the whole time.  Apparently his brother had come and picked him up for work.  I pretty much died right there in that moment.

The good news is that my cupboard is clean, and people who aren't  members of Pinterest are going to think I'm freakin' Obi Wan of organizational skills.

The other good news is that I have a video of my husband battling fruit flies, half naked, with a spatula.  Which I will show to you now.

(I was still semi traumatized from the bag of potatoes, which is what I'm going to blame for sounding so annoying in this video.)

I think we win the award for classiest family ever.

You are welcome.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Monday, October 3, 2011

I Have Good News. And I Have Bad News.

Good News: We found out that the mystery leaf monsters gracing our surprise garden are going to turn into Calla Lilies.  Who knew?  I was totally hoping that the mystery plants were Elephant Ears.  Because that's just awesome.
Bad News: The same guy who solved the leaf plant mystery, was also the same guy who quoted us $700 to fix our stupid garage - because it decided to be awesome and stop working completely.  Which is apparently the new theme of my life.

Good News: I had a dream that I made out with a really popular male artist, and he totally wanted my trash.
Bad News: It was Justin Bieber.  And I'm pretty sure that makes me a pedophile.

Good News: Monopoly at McDonald's is on.  And you know, trying to win something you have 1 in 5793753849758439 chances of winning is totally invigorating.  Kind of like Publisher's Clearinghouse, minus the weight gain and clogged arteries.
Bad News: We buy way more McDonald's, solely to get the Monopoly pieces.  Example?  Saturday I ate McDonald's for breakfast and dinner.  And I'm 98% sure I spliced at least 7 years off my life expectancy as a result.

Good News: New Girl.  Up All Night.  Whitney.  Modern Family.  Raising Hope.  Gossip Girl.  Big Bang Theory.
Bad News: DVR enslavement aside, all these shows coupled with my obsession with winning Monopoly, well, the bad news is fairly self explanatory.  

Good News:  It is incredibly easy to get time off of my job.
Bad News:  When you work at home, and someone offers you time off, you may or may not end up working a grand total of 3 of your 40 scheduled hours.  And then your husband will secretly judge you when you end up not even getting paid, because you only made enough to pay for your health and dental insurance.

Completely Irrelevant News:  Shawn would like the internet to know that the only reason he didn't put the salad away, is because it tasted like shi and knew no one was going to eat it.  And to that I say...

Happy Monday, Internet.