Men are generally fairly simple creatures. But sometimes you just gotta wonder...
Ladies and gentlemen:
A Few Reasons I will Probably Never Fully Understand the Male Species*
1. They spend a crap ton of money on one shoe. (Hi, husband!) That they will never wear. That sports a basketball player's illegible signature.** (10 awesome points for the kickass pun.) Um, hello? At least when women buy expensive shoes, we buy two... and we wear them.
2. They puff out their chests when they're measuring height with another dude. The hell? Newsflash: puffy chests ≠ extra height. Also? You look like an idiot.
3. They can't go a day, nay, several hours without thinking about sex. And heaven forbid going more than 3 days without it. Talk about a sexual famine.
4. The man hug. You know, the ever-so-slightly touching shoulders and smacking each other on the back a few times? By definition, a hug is to "squeeze (someone) tightly in one's arms." Way to half ass that one.
5. They like butts. Boobs, I can understand. Men don't have them - they're mysterious. (Well, usually. On both counts.) But butts? We all have them. I just don't see the allure. Nothing pleasant comes out anyone's ass. How is that even remotely attractive?
6. They can eat 17 times as much as women, and not gain a single, solitary pound. (Clearly I can't seem to let this one go.)
7. They watch irrelevant teams playing virtually any sport, solely so they can watch sports. Related: Don't tell women there's only "5 minutes left" in a quarter. We both know it'll be a good solid half hour. At least.
8. They don't cry during sad movies. Like Brother Bear. Or The Notebook. Or Toy Story 3. Have you no soul? Let it out, brotha!
9. (Some) of them shave their legs. Or their arms. Or their armpits. Why? Isn't that the glory of being a man? You know, besides being able to pee standing. Embrace your hairy legs and the fact that it's socially acceptable to not shave them. Also? When you shave your arms - the terrorists win.
That is all.
*Disclaimer: Obviously, I'm generalizing. I realize not all men are bro hugging, chest puffing, butt loving metrosexuals. Also? I'm fully aware that if we were to flip this post around - there would be 57 times as many reasons that men don't understand women.
**Jimmer's, no less.