Saturday, December 29, 2012

This One's For You, Anonymous.




Yeah, so it's maybe been a while.


I swear I've literally started at least 8 different posts (because apparently that's a lot) within the last couple months.  One was about things you should keep to yourdamnself when offering baby making advice/talking to someone with a broken baby maker. Another one was an enlightening self-help post listing the signs that you should probably lay off the cookies.  (She types as she shoves a fifth Lindor truffle in her face.)  One about all the things I plan to not do before I die - an anti-bucket list, if you will.  And then several others where I started bulleting out my really interesting life, only to realize I'd rather watch Netflix and take naps.  

Luckily for you, I'm caught up on just about every show I watch.  (We won't get into numbers.  But let's just say that if they made one of those "Check every TV show you've finished or are caught up on" survey doo hickies - like they do with the books - I'd kick everyone's butt.  Hard.)  So, as a belated Christmas gift, today you're getting bullet points - because they require somewhat less energy than imparting wisdom about how to avoid getting donkey kicked in the crotch by an infertile person.

And because I'm 100% positive this post will be toilet-read length, and not all you lazy sacks will want to read the whole thing - you get a table of contents.  You're welcome.

1. A Christmas Bullet Complete With Sub-Bullets
    (a) Epic Christmas Eve Jammies
    (b) Spoiled Christmas Surprises & Other Lame Presents
    (c) That Time WalMart Closed
    (d) The Most Random Gift on the Planet
    (e) Grandpa & Beef Sticks
2. How I Feel About Le Mis
3. More Wife Points
4. Blah Blah Blah Infertility Blah Blah Blah
5. Homeboy Got Some New Glasses
6. Long Hair & China Foreheads
7. Shawn's an Old Fart


1.

(a)
Christmas was great, as usual.  I ended up only having to work two hours instead of ten, so I'm sure not complaining.  We did the obligatory pajamas on Christmas Eve with my family.  My parents gave me probably the best pajamas I've ever gotten in my entire 24 years of living.


Yeah, it doesn't get much more excellent than cheetah footie hoodies.  And Shawn is lying if he tells you it doesn't turn him on.  Those bad boys are baby makin' PJs.  He even got his own cheetah pants to match.  How can we go wrong?


(b)
Anyways, the rest of Christmas was good.  I didn't really get to surprise Shawn with his new iPhone 5, since he found the receipt for it on my work desk.  I had one of my signature meltdowns and hucked the gift at his face.  Classy wife points.  In his defense though, he wasn't trying to find it - he just did.  My favorite part of Christmas is surprising people with awesome stuff.  So Christmas morning, when Shawn opened up a toothbrush, a back scrubbing loofah, and $10 bucks worth of rolled pennies, it wasn't nearly as gratifying as watching him open a fancypants phone he's been whining about getting for months.  (Related: I've never felt more ridiculous as I did asking the bank for 20 rolls of pennies for my coin-collecting husband.)


(c)
And speaking of not surprising people on Christmas.  It was 1am on Christmas morning, and I had totally spaced stuffing Shawn's stocking (which sounds way more awkward than it should).  I had been putting it off because I hate shopping during Christmastime (well, and just shopping in general) - even if it's just for candy.  All the crowds and traffic give me anxiety.  Anyways, I decided that WalMart couldn't be that busy, and headed there.  Well, I was right - because WalMart was closed.  It felt like the freakin' apocalypse.  WalMart never closes.  That's like, their thing.   Luckily Walgreens took one for the team - and we went and bought a bunch of crap there.  In my cheetah outfit.  And it was awesome - well, minus the whole fact that Shawn watched me buy all his stocking stuff.  D'oh.


(d)
Though, Christmas wasn't completely void of surprises.  Shawn got me some shudders for the windows on the front of our house.      ......?



Shudders?  I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what the hell am I going to do with shudders?  It's not even something we had ever talked about.  Holy random, Batman.  He insisted they'll make our house look a lot better... so, okay?  I had asked him for an electric razor, so I didn't have to use his to shave my dudestache (yeah, that happens) - but apparently shudders seemed like a more appropriate gift.  I think I'm going to wrap a box of tampons for him next year, just so I can see the same dumb llama look from him that I gave him when I saw the shudders.  And for the record, Shawn did give me plenty of great gifts that weren't shudders.


(e)
Also, one of my favorite moments from this Christmas was at our family Christmas party - when we were doing the infamous white elephant exchange, and my uncle got a beef stick.  When it was my aunt's turn to choose, someone suggested that she should steal the beef stick from her husband - and she responded with, "Nah, I'll get plenty of that beef stick tonight."  And, while that was funny, the even better part was watching my grandpa practically fall off his chair from laughing so hard.  It was totally a youhadtobethere moment - but it was seriously the best thing ever to watch my grandpa laugh so hard at something so inappropriate.  So, if I'm still laughing at farts and cracking "That's what she said" jokes when I'm older, I clearly come by it honestly.



2.
We saw Le Miserables a week before it came out in theaters, and even though we walked in 15 minutes late - it was still a phenomenal movie.  Shawn about crapped his pants in the worst way (you know, as opposed to the good kind of crapping your pants) when he realized the entire movie was going to be a song - but he actually ended up really enjoying it.  I had never been too familiar with the actual storyline - but I knew the music.  So it was nice to finally figure out the context of all the songs.  So yeah, it was good - I'd definitely recommend it.  Well, unless you don't want to sob like a damn baby for an hour - and then have the entire soundtrack stuck in your head for a week.  (And if you're me, it'll only be certain lines from the songs.. over and over and over and over... because you fail at lyrics.)


3.
The other day Shawn was reading my blog and just barely realized I still haven't changed the URL to my married name.  I told him I didn't want to confuse the internet.  The sub-text reads more like, I'm a lazy ass and can't be bothered.  More wife points.


4.
I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that we're taking a break from fertility doctors for a while.  The only thing I'm doing right now is taking Metformin - which helps with insulin levels, which in turn helps keep all my dude hormones in check - which we like to think will ultimately help me squeeze a tiny human out my 'gina some day.  I am still, however, taking ovulation tests - because I'm an addict and can't not pee on sticks.

After peeing on about 48932048329 of them, I actually ended up getting a smiley face (positive) indicating that my body was, in fact, gearing up to ovulate all by itself.  But of course there are a couple caveats to getting a smiley face.  First, it doesn't necessarily mean that you will ovulate - it just indicates that your body is gearing up to potentially ovulate (which, by the way, is the most irritating, less effective thing ever).  And second, women with PCOS get false positives all the time, because cysts will put off hormones that fake the pee stick out.  As if PCOS wasn't already a huge pain in my crack.  (And for those of you who didn't read this post, PCOS is Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, and it's pretty much a giant hormone imbalance that grows mustaches, asses, zits, and ovarian cysts.  Wee!)

Anyways - I called my nurse and asked if I could get a blood test to confirm that I actually had ovulated - and it turns out that I really did.  Ovary high-five!  So now Shawn gets this text message once a month:


  

(I posted this on Facebook, and had a handful of people thinking that I was pregnant.  My bad.  But, first thing to keep in mind - you're probably never going to see a pregnancy test that smiles at you if you're pregnant - because I can only imagine that while it would be fine for a lot of people, it sure has the potential to royally piss a lot of other unsuspecting women off.  And secondly, if and when I ever do get pregnant.  I promise there will be absolutely no question about it.  You'll know.)

So we're probably going to keep trying for a few months on just the Metformin - and if that still isn't working, chances are we'll move on and shell out several thousand dollars for IVF - because homegirl can only take so many negative pregnancy tests.


5.
My mother-in-law got Shawn and I both glasses for Christmas.  Shawn actually really needed them, because the ones he had looked like he found them in a dumpster.  And I just needed some computer glasses - since I spend 75% of my life staring at one.


The picture doesn't really do his old glasses justice - but they were disgusting.  And then the bottom ones are his new ones.  Just in case you didn't glean that on your own.  I didn't take a picture of mine - because I looked like a tubby hobo.


6.
My hair is really long.  Not like, butt-touching long, but it's definitely cover-my-boobs-so-I-could-be-a-mermaid long.  And one of the first things people who haven't seen me for a while say is some variation of, "Your hair is soooo long!"  Seriously.  Every. time.  Not that I have a problem with it - I certainly prefer it to, "You've gained soooo much weight!"  Anyways, I suppose that's what 2 years of prenatals will do.  I haven't gotten it cut for a while.  Well, except for when I took nose hair trimmers to my bangs because they were long, disgusting, and irritating the everloving crap out of me. (Sidenote: I really wish I could pull off the bangs across my forehead thing - because my forehead is the size of China.  When I've tried it in the past, I just look like a creepy Chester.)

7.
Shawn celebrated 25 years of living in November.  We didn't do anything too special.  Turns out you don't really need to, when all it takes to make his birthday happy is to not wear clothes.  I did actually get him some big boy golf clubs though, since he has had his old set since he was in like, 8th grade.  I didn't actually choose them out myself - it was more dragging him to Scheels, taking him to the golf section, and saying, "Happy Birthday!  CHOOSE ONE."  We came home and had cake and ice cream with a bunch of our friends and family.  So, nothin' overly fancy.  I'm pretty sure I'm mostly excited that we don't have to pay absurd underage fees when we rent cars.  Because that is annoying.

    He definitely spit all over the cake.  (A cake, by the way, that I'm pretty sure gave everyone diabetes.)




Okay, this post has literally taken me 4 days to write.  I get bored/distracted way too easily.  Apparently it's time to start popping a few Adderalls before I try to write the ol' blog.  So I'm just going to stop now, because if I keep going - I'll probably get sidetracked again, and you won't hear from my until February.  Not to mention it's almost 2 in the damn morning.  (Thanks for that, middle-of-the-day-3 hour nap.) 



Happy Weekend, yo!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

A Post That Is Way Too Eclectic To Come Up With An Actual Relevant Title

For the record, I make absolutely no excuses for how random it's about to get up in hurr.


Bullet time!


-The other day I told Shawn to buy a treat for us to munch on when he went to the store.  He came home with a bag of the good chocolate chips so we could "make cookies."  Who has two thumbs, did not make cookies, and ate half the bag of chocolate chips?  This girl.




-I don't understand the context of the F word in some cases.  Like, when someone is ticked off and tells someone else to go eff themselves...  How is that a bad thing?  IiiiiiiifyouknowhatImean.


-One of the several times I've driven to the fertility clinic with a cup of Shawn's "contribution" in tow, I realized that if I ever got pulled over for speeding, I'd have the best excuse on the planet.  Because what cop is going to argue with a cup of  sperm and a hormonal woman with an impending insemination?  It's quite literally a life or death situation - those bad boys are only viable in a cup for so long.  I'mageniusIknow.


-I bought a LivingSocial deal for a month of CrossFit.  Because apparently I'm in the mood to make a complete ass out of myself.  And then die.


-I kind of love when people "Like" my posts on Facebook - not just because it makes me feel super fantastic about myself.  But because then I know who hasn't hidden me from their news feed.


-I signed up for Short Term Disability at work - so I can still get some money when I hopefully take a maternity leave someday.  However, for it to pay out, I can't get pregnant until April.  Which means I can probably just go ahead and plan on getting pregnant in March.


-I went to Red Lobster for I think the first time in my life.  Because I'd pretty much rather swallow a stapler than most seafood.  My favorite part though?  The biscuits and broccoli.  Oh, and the mashed potatoes.  I'd totally go back just for that stuff.  Because that makes sense.


-Once Shawn suggested that a phone app that starts preheating your oven would be helpful.  To which I responded that, yeah, it would, until people started butt burning their houses down. 


-I just got my "I Voted" sticker for the first time in my life.


And took a retarded picture.  Because everyone's boob sticker pictures are boring.  



-Speaking of being patriotic, I somehow manage to get the "America" song from West Side Story stuck in my head at least once a day for absolutely no reason.  And if it's not that song, it's Taylor Swift's, "We're neverrrrr everrrr everrrrrr everrrrrr everrrrrr everrrrr everrrrr everrrrr everrrrrr everrrrrrr getting baaaaack togetherrrrrrrrrr" song.


-For the record, I'm totally kidding about the Taylor Swift part.  I just really wanted to get that song stuck in everyone's head.  Because now it will take you at least an hour or seven to get it out.  Oh, and it's the worst song on the planet.  




Youuuu're welcome.




Happy voting day, yo.



Thursday, November 1, 2012

That One Time We Grew A Giant Pumpkin & Made It Awesome

So, this year's Halloween was pretty tame.  We didn't stay home and pass out candy, because we're bad people.  Instead we went over to Shawn's parent's house to carve the pumpkin we grew in their garden.  (The same pumpkin I told you about in this post.  You know, in case you thought it was a different pumpkin.)  We decided that instead of doing just the regular ol' carving - we'd do fancy carving.  You know, something like this:




Except, you know, about 700 million times less awesome.  It took Shawn and his brother a good solid 20 minutes to get the top off of our 75 pound pumpkin.  Homeboy was one thick sonofabitch.  They finally got through, and it was obvious that the pumpkin could have totally grown way bigger - but didn't get a chance, because we may or may not have planted it too late.  You just wait until next year.

Anyways, Shawn brought his drill, and we just kind of... went for it.  I can honestly say I've never carved a pumpkin with a drill before, but I highly suggest it.  Well, I can actually still say I've never carved a pumpkin with a drill, because, well, Shawn did.  But it looked a lot easier than what I've been doing for the last 20 years.  But I did help with scraping the eyes and the teeth, and even though I got a little knife happy on some of the teeth, I was pretty impressed with my scraping skills.

This was possibly the messiest pumpkin I've ever carved/scraped in my entire life.  When Shawn would drill - watery chunks of pumpkin would come oozing out, which was gross on so many different levels.  And when we were scraping, pumpkin juice would mist into our faces.  Toby was loving it though.  We kept trying to stop him from eating all the pumpkin goop, because I was sure if he ate any more he'd have diarrhea for days.  No one wants that.

Anyways, over the course of the almost 3 hours it took to finish, I made myself useful and took about 800 pictures of everything - so I'll post some of 'em below for your viewing pleasure.  Yooooou're welcome.




 This picture seriously cracks me up every time I see it.  Don't you just want to be his friend?


Turns out a candle wasn't enough light, and a light bulb, well... you see.

We probably tried taking this picture 27 times.


^These guys.


J




Soooo, yeah!  That was our Halloween.  Well, that, and we watched Scream 2... because last Halloween we watched the first one, and apparently it's a tradition now.  All I can say is, I can't believe there are four of those movies.  I've never been one to laugh at scary movies, because I'm an enormous pansy.  But these ones?  I couldn't hardly help myself.  

Anyways, hope ya'll had a satisfying Halloween!  I guess we can all start getting ready for our sweater bodies now, eh?  


Happy Almost-Weekend, yo.




Thursday, October 25, 2012

Minute to Pin It: A Game That Turns Into An Impromptu Life Lesson

So today seems like a good day to play a game, amiright?  I have a super fun* one for ya'll.  I made up all by myself, so you know it's going to be legendary*.  And because every game needs a title, I call this one, "Minute to Pin It" - a title which literally has nothing to do with how you play the game, but it doesn't even matter, because it's awesome sounding.  And surprise, it's brought to you by Pinterest.  Because obviously no one saw that coming.

Anyways.  

How do you play this super fun* game?  It goes a little something like this: Look at two pictures, and decide which one is from Pinterest, and which one I made myself.  Boom.  Epic.*  So, since I know you're dying to play*, your two pictures are below...


#1




#2

Try not to think too hard about it.  Even though they're pretty much identical.*  


Okay.  So, I'm 500% sure you all win - congratu-freakin'-lations.  This is just yet another reason Pinterest pisses me the hell off.  Way to set unrealistic expectations, you crafty A holes.  I set out on this particular venture, pretty optimistic that I was going to finally win at Pinterest.  Any project with a brownie, pretzels, marshmallows and a stick can't be too hard. right?

The website didn't really give much detail on how they put the skeletons together, because, um, yeah.  However, they did say that they used ganache on the brownies.  Because I know what ganache is.*




I debated with myself for like an hour on whether or not I wanted to drive back to WalMart for the 700th time to pick up the stuff to make it.  And I finally decided that if my skeletons were going to look as good as the internet's, I had to make whatever the hell ganache was.  Most the recipes I found called for semi-sweet chocolate.  Which is unfortunate, because if you're going to eat semi-sweet chocolate, you may as well eat a foot dipped in turd.  But nevertheless, I didn't want to stray from what Google said, or else my skeletons would suck.  Plus, the internet said that semi-sweet was better, because then the brownies wouldn't be too sweet.  Because apparently that's a thing.

So, I made the ganache and poured it over my brownies and stuck 'em in the fridge so it would "set", or whatever ganache is supposed to do.  Then I had to draw faces on 30 marshmallows.  Because, yes, I was making 30 of these bad boys.  And apparently there's such things as editable food markers... Who knew?  So I went over to JoAnn's and literally walked up and down their little cake decorating aisle at least 47 times. And I stared right at the stupid markers for probably an hour before I found an employee to point out that if it were a snake, it would've bit me right in the ass.  Nuhr.  Kind of embarrassing, but it helped that she even had to stare at everything for a couple minutes before she saw them.  Anyways, I finally got home and drew all the faces on the marshmallows.  Which, as you can see, of course aren't nearly as cutesy and refined as the Pinterest ones - most of my skeletons looked more pissed off than anything.  Whatever.

I busted open one of the several bags of White Fudge Flipz pretzels that I got, and realized that they weren't nearly as white as the marshmallow or as the pretzels on the internet.  Because, I mean, why would they be?  That was a major OCD flare-up.  The whites not matching?

    

Anyways, after I put all the pretzels on, they kept spinning around the stick, so the only hope I had of making that part as perfect as the internet was super glue.  And last I checked, that stuff isn't exactly edible.  (Speaking of things that aren't edible, have you ever had those white fudge Flipz pretzels?  BARF.)

I put it altogether and was only marginally impressed, if that.  I decided that maybe it would look better if I put it in the stupid 99 cent bags I bought from WalMart - because trust me to not find the fancy cellophane wrap stuff.  So I tried sticking the whole thing in the bag and got the stupid GANACHE all. over. It was smeared pretty much from hell to breakfast... all around the bag, all over my hands, and I'm pretty sure Toby got some off the floor.  I was pretty much near tears at this point, thinking of having to put 29 more of these together.  Even so, I still put a ribbon on it, to try and resurrect any hope I had of these looking even kind of presentable.  Which is when I may or may not have had a teensy meltdown and catapulted my skeleton into the wall.

Shawn came in with the usual, "What now?" face, and I shoved the skeleton disaster in his face and pouted that it didn't look like Pinterest, and I didn't want to make any more.  Shawn looked around at all the dozens of marshmallows, brownies, and bags of pretzels that were strewn across the kitchen, and assured me that yes, I'd be making more.  He had to convince me for about an hour that the skeletons didn't look terrible, and that the ganache didn't taste like an asshole.  Because, oh yeah, it did.  I had made another pan of brownies that luckily weren't contaminated by the ganache - which is why the skeleton in the above picture, doesn't have frosting all over the bag.  

I finally stopped pouting, and decided to just finish the skeletons from what I had.  I didn't feel like baking another pan of brownies, so I ended up using the ones with the ganache - I figured, they were going to a bunch of senior citizens - and old people like gross food, so there was a pretty good chance that they'd like the brownies just fine.  And several hours later, they were all done.  I unfortunately had only taken a quick picture of one of them to show a friend, and not the whole lot of 'em.  But I was surprisingly more content with how they turned out.  You know, after Shawn showed me how to not get frosting all over the damn place when I put them in the bags.  

The next day was the Relief Society activity that I had planned and was going to bring these to.  We were going to visit with the residents in a close-by assisted living facility - and I wanted them to have treats.  Because Halloween means treats.  Even if you're 96 years old.  When the Relief Society sisters saw all the skeletons I had made, they gushed about how adorable they were - and how it was such a good idea.  And I suddenly felt like Martha freakin' Stewart.

We ended up playing Bingo with the Alzheimer's Unit of this particular facility.  And boy, was that a glimpse into my future.  There was a woman sitting at the table I was at, who - the entire time - yelled: "NEE NEE NEE NEE NEE NEE NEE NEE NEEEEEEEEE NENENENENE NEE NEE NEE NEE NEE NEE NEE" and then randomly burst into song.  When I asked her what her name was, she laughed really hard and said, "I don't remember!"  I later told Shawn, "That's totally going to be me some day."  And he responded with, "Some day?"  And it wasn't until about 5 minutes later that I realized he had totally just insulted me.  And he thought that was hilarious.  Thanks for that, Husband.  Anyways, I digress. 

All the women had such sweet spirits, even though many of them had no idea what was going on.  And the icing to this entire post was when we passed out the skeletons.  They. loved. them.  The women who could form coherent sentences just went on and on about how cute they were, and how they were going to show their grandchildren.  Other women inhaled the entire thing no sooner than I had given it to them.  They all seemed legitimately happy to get such an awesome treat.  And I suddenly wasn't worrying about the ganashe tasting like barf, or that the pretzels weren't perfectly lined up, or that they were in cheapo bags.  Because it just didn't matter.  They loved them.

Which brings me back to Pinterest.  I can't help that I'm such a perfectionist with things like this.  Because yes, I will cry if it doesn't look like the picture.  Which is why Pinterest is such a royal pain in my crack.  Why can't we just agree to post #2 pictures on there, right?  Aaaaand here comes a life lesson - which I'm probably saying more for myself, than for anyone.  But there's probably always going to be a #1 to your #2.  Comparing yourself and your life to the metaphorical Pinterests of the world, really won't do you much good.  Sure, it can help inspire you to be a better version of yourself - but that doesn't mean you need to beat yourself for not achieving absolute perfection.  Because turns out, Jesus is the only one that can do that.  I think perfection is in the eye of the beholder - which, sure, is cliche.  But it's a cliche for a reason.  It's true.  I may be stubborn, hormonal, and not a Victoria's Secret Angel.  But to my husband, I'm perfect.  And he may eat my leftovers, make Alzheimer's jokes at my expense, and pee in the shower.  But to me, he's perfect.  So no more comparing yourself, your life, and your skelepretzels to anyone else.  Find and refine your strengths, know and accept your weaknesses, and use that knowledge to be a version of yourself that makes you PROUD.




Who knew skelepretzels could by so inspirational?*






*Except not really.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

What Happens When People Google Butt Vitamins, Baby Wookies, & Fart Monologues

So, Shawn went out of town this weekend to do some fishing with his dad and buddy.  I didn't go because I have to work on Sunday.  Well, and because I think fishing is possibly one of the most boring things on the planet.  Not that I have much experience to back that statement up, but eh.

(Related: I totally realize it's pretty much Internet 101 to not announce to the entire freakin' world that you're home alone for the weekend.  So for the record, I have two fully grown men who are both bouncers living in my basement - one of which keeps a fully loaded gun under his bed.  Plus, ya'll saw what I did to our wall.  So, all the axe murders and skin coat makers should probably just stay the eff away. )

Anyways, today I decided to be semi-productive and clean our house, because my favorite time to clean is when I'm alone.  Well, no.  My favorite time to clean is never.  But, you know.  Anyways, I ended up losing my cleaning mojo about halfway through mopping our hardwood floors on my hands and knees.  That shit is exhausting.  It probably didn't help that I've eaten about 4 pounds of pre-Halloween candy in the last two days.  Yeah, pre-Halloween candy.  It's a thing.  So, that lands us to right now, where I've parked my keister in front of the computer and have been farting around on the internet for the last hour.  And you're probably wondering right about now if this post has a point, or if it's just another way to procrastinate finishing cleaning the house.  And, well, yes to both.  

I realized I hadn't looked at the search terms that have brought people to my blog for a while.  And it's been a while since I've dedicated a post to a handful of those pretty amusing searches.  (Remember this and this?)  So, I decided since I so obviously have the time to kill, I'd do another one.



It really has been a while since I've done one, and for the sake of brevity, I'll only go off of search terms from the last month or else we'd be here for eternity.  (Well, and because my analytics apparently exploded and didn't capture results for a while)  Sooo, here are some of the ones that I thought were mildly more amusing than the others.


"Bra on floor"/"Underwear on the floor"
You'd think this would just be a one-time search.  But alas, I've had several hits with that search.  What the random?  Why does the bra need to be on the floor?  And of course it always links to this post.


"Stinky ass munchkin"
Just another version of the infamous "munchkin cat" search.  Which is still the number one search term that brings people to my blog, for the record.  




See?  But still, why anyone is searching a 'stinky ass munchkin' is beyond me.


"Bizarre dream about insects covering my vagina"


"Each vitamin to use help my butt"
I sincerely hope this person's butt got the help it needed.  Butt vitamins.  Huh.


"Romantic squirting story"



"Normally I can take anything that life throws at me but lately I think I'm cracking up!"
Cool story, bro.


"Monologue about husband farting"
So, apparently my blog is the first result for this one.  Because yes, I checked.


"Sink peeing pair"
What does that even mean?!  (If Shawn were here, he'd answer with the infamous "No one knows what it means, but it's provocative" quote from Blades of Glory.  Because in our house, that's pretty much the answer to everything.)


Then we have all our Pap smear friends...

"Pap test 'tourettes'"
*Snort*  Can you imagine?  To be a fly on the wall...


"Passing out during pap smear"/"Passing out after pap smear"
Does this happen a lot?  Because I have several of these searches too.  Yeah, getting a medieval contraption shoved up your baby maker isn't the most pleasant thing in the world, but I can certainly think of worse things...


"Pap smears and peeing"
Okay.  I understand that this probably happens plenty.  But this is why you pee before your gynecologist gets all up in your business.  I would seriously be mortified.  Probably more mortified than I would be if I pooped while giving birth.  Because if you poop, people can't really judge you, you're pushing a tiny human out your vag.  But a pap smear?  Control your bladder, woman.


"Men in exam stirrups"
Why?  No one wants that.


"Sexy girls shooting a gun with ear protection"


Yeah.  That's right.  MY picture came up on the first page.  Yahtzee.


"Ass butts babble"
I think I speak for everyone when I say that no one wants to hear ass babble.


"Eyebrows reading rainbow"
Eyebrows?  How is that even kind of relevant?


"Wookie baby"
So this search was undoubtedly directed to this post.  But I think they were probably looking more for this:


What. The. Hell!?  That is one creepy ass hardcore costume.  And I will not even kind of be surprised when I have dreams about giving birth to wookies now.  


Thanks again, Google.







Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The One Where I Even Include a Table of Contents. Because I'm Fancy.

So I'm officially 3 days short of not having posted anything for a solid month.  That's not to say I haven't kind of tried - because I certainly have plenty of Drafts to prove it.  But nevertheless, here I am.  And naturally we're going to bullet this baby out, because it's been even longer since we've done one of those.  I'm talking like, the beginning of August.  Because yes, I checked.  And since my bullet posts may or may not tend to get somewhat verbose, I'll even preface it with a Table of Contents just for all you skimmers out there.  Well, and for everyone who inadvertently reads my vagina monologues and immediately regrets it.  (Tip: if you consciously make the choice to read my blog, you can just go ahead and plan on reading about periods, poop, and baby making.  If you don't enjoy the oversharing, no one is making you stay. J)

So, anyways.  Moving right along.  Table of Contents.

1.  The Obligatory Fertility Bullet
2. Metformin: Reminding My Body I'm Actually a Girl
3. Bob: The Cat Who I'm Pretty Sure Does Drugs
4. Kids Say the Darndest Things, and It's Even Funnier When it Happens in Church
5. Pinterest: Giving False Hope to Crappy Cooks Everywhere
6. Gardening: Because Growing a Baby is Clearly Not Our Forte
7. Politics: Something You'll Rarely Hear Me Give Two Craps About
8. My Husband: My Favorite Person on the Planet.  Except for Thor. (I'm only kind of kidding.)
9. Baby Boot Camp
10. The End: Creativity At Its Finest.  (But not really.)


You're welcome.




#1
I'm just going to go ahead and get the shittiest bullet out of the way first.  As of this weekend, we've officially failed our fourth IUI.  I ended up taking injections for about 9 days (injections which cost $60 bucks each, I might add), because, as expected, the Femara did a whole lot of nothing.  I had 2 perfect follicles, Shawn had his highest sperm count ever (25 million post wash. Hey-o.), we prayed, we went to the temple, we rubbed the 5k trophy for good luck - we felt really good about everything.  And nothing.  Nothing except for a single pink line on a pee stick, raging cramps from hell, and about 4832948392048 pregnancy announcements on Facebook to top it all off.  (Seriously though.  Did everyone have a secret meeting and decide to get pregnant allll at the same damn time?!)


So, if we're looking at numbers, so far that's 9 rounds of Clomid, 2 rounds of Femara, 1 round of injections, 4 IUIs, 6 thousand dollars and 21 months of not even kind of getting pregnant.  So yeah, it sucks and I've been pretty sad.  Buuuut I'll survive.  We're going to take a break for a month or two, and just try it the old fashioned fun way.  Taking a break makes me a little nervous that it's just going to prolong my empty uterus.  But eh, it'll be a nice break from the daily injections, the vagina bullets, and the endless ultrasound wands that are shoved up my youknowwhere.  And Shawn, well, I'm sure he isn't too upset that he won't have to make love to a plastic cup for a little while.  So, it'll be good.  Even though I cried after I told the nurse we were taking a break.  And then ate a gallon of ice cream.  Waiting is hard.


#2
I'm starting to get more used to the Metformin my doctor prescribed to keep my man hormones in check.  I have to use one of those Sun-Sat pill holder thingers, because apparently I'm 200 years old and can't keep track of whether or not I've taken my Metformin and a prenatal vitamin.  Sigh.  But between my boobs being on fire, and my uterus throwing the most violently epic rave ever, I'd say that my hormones are getting to where they need to be. And I only say that because I've never had sore boobs or cramps during my period.  Like, ever.  So being one that has the lowest pain tolerance in the history of ever, you can only imagine I've been dealing with that as well as a two year old would.  The other day I was whining about it to Shawn, and he responded with, "Well, it's because your body realizes it's a girl now."  Touche, husband.  Oh, and also?  Two words.  Solid poop.





#3
So I think that's plenty of talk about my uterus and lady problems.  (And seriously, I don't mean for my blog to turn into Infertility central, but it is what it is.)  So, let's talk about my cat!  Just kidding.  I really have nothing to say about him, other than he's the weirdest, most destructive cat on the planet.  We can't leave anything on the counters anymore.  He takes way too much pleasure in knocking it off and feeding it to the dog.  Or, if it's a roll of paper towels, he'll just destroy it himself.  He drags the weirdest things around our house.  And he runs around the house in circles like he's being chased by Satan himself.  I have no idea what that is about.  He's terrified of pretty much anyone besides Shawn or I, and probably would rather be lit on fire than go outside.  He's just quirky.  And apparently when I said I had nothing to say about him, I lied.  Here are some pictures, for those of you who haven't already been inundated by them on Facebook.


Weirdo, right?  But an entertaining weirdo.

We do this thing where we wiggle our fingers under our comforter, and Bob loves it.  This video makes me laugh just about every time I watch it.



#4
This last Sunday during Sacrament meeting, this cute little girl got up to bare her testimony.  She said the normal, "I'm thankful for Jesus... I'm thankful for the scriptures..." and at the very end she followed it all up with a, "And I'm thankful my daddy was able to go to Las Vegas and bring home some money."  It pretty much made my entire day.  


#5
Thanks to Pinterest, I've been trying my hand at cooking a little more these days.  I am far from being even remotely capable in the kitchen, but I'm getting there.  (Semi-related: What is with all the "healthy" desserts on Pinterest?  Who wants to eat healthy brownies made with black beans?  More like barf brownies.  Hello.  Way to take all the fun out of eating crap that's bad for you.  I prefer my dessert unhealthy, thankyouverymuch.)  Aaaanyways.  I've made 3 things I've found on Pinterest so far.  And for someone who doesn't make things much more complicated than cereal, that is pretty impressive.

First I made these banana bread bars with brown butter frosting.  Shawn is constantly pestering me about all the damn bananas I keep putting in the freezer.  And every time I tell him to bug off, because those nasty ass bananas were going to turn into delicious banana bread.  Someday.  So I decided to be fancy and make those bar thingers, because they looked delicious.  I had never actually "browned" butter before, so I was nervous that the frosting would taste like burnt Pam, or something.  But when it all came out, it actually looked pretty good...  


It doesn't look quite like the picture on the website, but it looked edible.  I was too nervous to try some, so I force fed it to Shawn.  He said he liked it, but I heard, "This is terrible.  Do better."  Why?  Because Shawn is a machine.  And if he doesn't have seconds/thirds/fourths, he's either dying or isn't a fan.  He keeps trying to convince me that it's good, and to try some.  So I finally did.  And I'm not one to use the word moist, but holy hell those were moist in the worst way.  You know that absolutely horrendous noise people make when they eat a banana.  Yeah.  It was like that.  It was way too juicy for me.  And there was way too much frosting.  After a little while of the pan sitting on the counter, the banana juice started leaking out.  Or it was the 800 sticks of butter we used.   Either way, it was nasty.  So if you're into that kind of thing, then, great.  But I think we're just going to stick with boring banana bread for next time.

I also made this "Cinnamon French Toast Bake", because, uh, cinnamon rolls and french toast?  Just throw some bacon bits in there and you have the holy trifecta of breakfasts.  This one turned out a little better than the banana butter mush.  Our only real problem with it was that the bottom was pretty soggy, I don't know if it's something that I did wrong, or if people like soggy bottoms.  But it was still pretty good, and actually - for me, at least - tasted better the next day.  Probably because it wasn't as soggy.  

You can even see how soggy it is.  But the top part was delicious!

And then I made my very first pot roast.  And I didn't take any pictures, and I don't have a link to the recipe... But, oh baby.  I achieved sweet culinary climax with that puppy.  I don't know why I don't use my Crock Pot more often.  It was like, made for kitchen dumdums like me.  Huck in a bunch of random ingredients and let it all sit for 8 hours and voila - MEAL!.  That's my kind of cooking.  It's too bad Shawn ate pretty much the entire thing for lunch the next day.  I was legitimately ticked off about that one.  So now, any time we're arguing I throw in, "Remember that one time you ate an entire pot roast?!"  Obviously he didn't eat the entire thing.  But he may as well have.

(Related: I also made my very first meatloaf a couple weeks ago.  Not from anything I found on Pinterest, just because pretty much the only thing we had in our house to eat was hamburger - and I was feeling ambitious.  I don't think I've ever been so grossed out preparing dinner in my entire life.  Mushing raw hamburger, eggs, and all that other crap together with my hands?!  Not a fan.  Turns out the meatloaf, while tasty, gave us both rampant diarrhea.  I don't know if it was just bad hamburger, or if our colons are just allergic to meatloaf.  But either way, the only 'loaf' we'll be eating any time soon is bread.)   



#6
We have some friends that gave us a couple seeds from a 400 pound pumpkin.  That's like, 5 of me.  Okay. Fine.  Probably more like 2.5 of me.  But still.  That's a big ass pumpkin.  We haven't even attempted to start a garden yet, mostly because we don't have a place to put it and because Toby would probably love nothing more than to destroy it.  So we decided to plant these pumpkin seeds at Shawn's parent's house.  And by we, I mean Shawn..  Anyways, we planted them a little bit late and ended up getting one pretty big round orange pumpkin, and another not-so-orange pumpkin.  We haven't weighed them yet (although I feel pretty confident in saying they're no where near 400 pounds), and you can't really tell just how big they are in this picture I'm going to show you...  Buuut, we're still pretty proud of our very first grown vegetable.. or is it a fruit?  Whatever.  We grew something, and with our track record, it's pretty impressive.



#7
So, confession time.  I just barely registered to vote for the first time in my entire life.  I'll give you a little space to get all your judging out of the way...





[Judging space]






Better?  The only time I've ever been even remotely interested in politics was when I was studying for an AP Government test in high school.  And that's only because I didn't want to fail a test I paid $80 bucks for.  (Which I didn't, by the way. Bam.)  But recently I've decided that I should probably start giving a flying fart about the election, especially if presidents are going to start making epic decisions about how I receive healthcare, and all that other fun stuff.  So I'm sure it goes without saying that these recent debates have been the first I've ever watched.  And even though I enjoyed reading Twitter more than the actual debate, it was pretty interesting... I guess.  I found myself more irritated than anything, at the stupid smirks and constant interruptions.  But I think my favorite part of the debate, is this video:


"I don't wanna touch sand paper."  *Snort*


#8


I posted most these pictures on Facebook - but I had to get 'em in here too for posterity's sake.  

#1. This day I went to the pharmacy and came back expecting Shawn to be at school... but he wasn't.  And I found him just like the picture shows.  Um, most adorable husband in the entire world?  Uh, yeah.  Pull something like that again, and I might forget that you ate my pot roast.

#2  To say Shawn loves Otter Pops would be a massive understatement.  He is like, the Chuck Norris of eating.  He can't just eat one Otter Pop at a time.  He'll eat them about 10 at a time.  And I'm so not even kidding.  How I'm still the fat one in our relationship is beyond me.

#3  I literally have no idea what he was doing in this picture.  But I, being the respectable wife that I am, could obviously not pass up documenting the occasion.

I love this dude to death and beyond.  And am so glad he doesn't have a blog to make fun of me on.  Because Heaven only knows he'd have plenty of material.

#9
Our good friends just had pretty much the most adorable baby ever.  They ended up needing a babysitter so the mom (Hi Katie!) could go back to work.  I have Fridays off, and offered to watch her.  Last week was the first day I had her all to myself, and it was fantastic!  She's pretty much the easiest baby ever, which made things way less complicated.  Shawn didn't have to work that day either, and stayed home to help me. And all I have to say is he is going to be one adorable dad some day.  Even though he's never changed a single diaper in his entire life.  I think my favorite part of the day, is when I went to go get a blood test, he called and said, "Uh, Rose just farted really loud - and now she won't stop crying."  He wasn't quite ready for his first solo diaper change.  We'll get there though.  

Oh, and the animals.  As soon as we picked her up out of her carseat, Toby flew. off. the. handle.  He didn't even know what to do with himself when she started crying.  And Bob could not get away from her.  Both of 'em were just like, "What in the hell did you just bring into our house?"  Nothing like a tiny human to confuse the crap out of animals.  Fortunately, they both got used to her, and Toby finally calmed the eff down.  

So, even though I'm the oldest of 5 and have had plenty of practice with babies, this will be a good refresher - since I'm like, oh, 11 years out of practice.  We'll just call it Baby Boot Camp.



It's pretty much killing me that I'm out of things to bullet about.  And that I'm ending on an odd number.

*OCD flare-up*

So...



#10