Today I feel defeated.
I went to my fertility specialist today to get a baseline ultrasound to make sure we were good to go on a new cycle. I had felt confident that February was going to be a good month for my husband and I. I felt excited at the prospect of an actual plan to get me pregnant - even if it involved giant needles. I had hope.
That is, until my doctor showed me my ovary which had a gigantic cyst on it.
I immediately had to fight back tears as she told me they would have to cancel my cycle this month and put me back on birth control. Birth control. The anti-baby drug. I was horrified. Supposedly the birth control is supposed to help shrink the cyst. Having a cyst that big would make it a lot harder to get pregnant in the first place - even with medication, apparently.
Even though it's just a cyst, and there are much more severe hurdles that women have had to clear in order to get pregnant, I still can't help but feel completely heart broken. I bawled the entire way home. I cry each time it comes up with my family or my husband. I cry as I write this post. I just feel so sad, and so broken.
And I'm not saying this because I'm looking for pity. I'm saying this because it's how I feel. And I know several years from now I'll be able to look back and know that I was able to overcome these feelings and these obstacles.
But for now, I will let myself grieve. I will let myself cry. All the while knowing I will not let my sadness consume me, and that tomorrow will be better.