Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Defeated.


Today I feel defeated.  

I went to my fertility specialist today to get a baseline ultrasound to make sure we were good to go on a new cycle.  I had felt confident that February was going to be a good month for my husband and I.  I felt excited at the prospect of an actual plan to get me pregnant - even if it involved giant needles.  I had hope.

That is, until my doctor showed me my ovary which had a gigantic cyst on it.

I immediately had to fight back tears as she told me they would have to cancel my cycle this month and put me back on birth control.  Birth control.  The anti-baby drug.  I was horrified.  Supposedly the birth control is supposed to help shrink the cyst.  Having a cyst that big would make it a lot harder to get pregnant in the first place - even with medication, apparently.

Even though it's just a cyst, and there are much more severe hurdles that women have had to clear in order to get pregnant, I still can't help but feel completely heart broken.  I bawled the entire way home.  I cry each time it comes up with my family or my husband.  I cry as I write this post.  I just feel so sad, and so broken.

And I'm not saying this because I'm looking for pity.  I'm saying this because it's how I feel.  And I know several years from now I'll be able to look back and know that I was able to overcome these feelings and these obstacles.  

But for now, I will let myself grieve.  I will let myself cry.  All the while knowing I will not let my sadness consume me, and that tomorrow will be better.





10 comments:

  1. Hi there,
    I'm a totally random lurker who enjoys your blog - I get a kick out of you usually! Today my heart hurts for you, I am so sorry you're dealing with infertility. It is so unfair. There just aren't words to explain the pain of wanting something so desperately, that seems like it should be so easy, and it turning out to be so hard.
    Don't try to reason with or minimize your grief, girl - just because you can keep in mind that it will get better, or that other people may have worse struggles doesn't make this any less painful for you today. It's crappy, and it's ok to let it be crappy.

    Sending hugs to you. Hang in there.

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  2. ohhhh chelsea :( what an awful day. sometimes you just can't look at the bright side or the silver lining. sometimes you just have to cry.

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  3. Oh Chels.....dang. I'm so sorry. It sure can be painful to hurry up and wait! (((hugs)))

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  4. You are so strong. Tears and feeling defeated don't change that. Hang in there - I'd bet there are an awful lot of people praying for you and Shawn.

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  5. Chelsea, I am also a random creaper who enjoys seeing what you are up to. We actually went to High School together (I think.. MHS? I was older than you) and my heart breaks for you. I can honestly say that I feel you. It took 2 years of going to a fertility specialist to get everything 'under-control' before I could even start any treatments. Then another 2 years of failed attempt after failed attempt (It must be in that water we drank as kids). It took a miracle - lots and lots and lots of really long needles - prayers - tears - hate - and a million other emotions before I was able to even get pregnant. I pray that you don't have to go through it. If you ever want to talk about it, have questions about the millions of tests they may run, drugs, or just want to vent let me know!

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  6. It's me again. (your favorite infertile MHS friend). Yes you should cry, grieve, throw something, drink ridiculous amounts of coke (or your beverage of choice), eat more ice cream than humanly possible, and require dinner out.. multiple times each week. Because sometimes that's all you can do. Just remember Faith in God includes having Faith in his timing (as Neal A. Maxwell may say) although God's timing sucks some times.

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  7. i'm a random mhs creeper too! one time i saw your blog on someone's blog feed and you wrote about a horrifying waxing experience and i died so i put you in my blog reader and every once in a while i will look and see how you are doing. part of me feels like maybe i'm not a creep and we were kind of friends? maybe had ms. deshazo's computer class together? but for the life of me i cant remember if that is a real memory or one i made up. anyway. i read this post and my heart broke. we all have things that we feel sad about and are usually too scared to share with people because our blog is just supposed to be funny or not talk about real issues or you don't want people to feel sorry for you but i really respect you talking about it. it helps you work through it, lets other people know you are human, and helps other people work through what they are dealing with too. considering i am not married i cant really relate quite yet with what you are going through but i've felt my fair share of pain in other areas of my life and felt like maybe something was wrong with me or i wasn't enough and that is why it was happening to me. but really sometimes i think God lets us do hard things so we can first turn to him, then be able to turn to others and have the empathy and the heart necessary to help others going through the same thing. nothing makes us more understanding or softens us more than the thing that breaks us.

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  8. I am SO sorry you are going through this. I can't even begin to imagine or feel like how you feel. You are in my prayers though. Sometimes I don't understand Heavenly Fathers timing, but one day we will.

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  9. I love you. And agree with everyone else in saying that you deserve to feel how you feel and cry. Sometimes it's the only thing we can do to move past something. I'm proud of you for knowing that there will be a better day sometime.

    Let me know if there is anything I can do.

    Loves you.

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