Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Least Romantic Conception Story in the History of Ever

So here comes another post plagued with vagina talk, and my quest to harvest small humans.  So if you don't want to hear about vaginal suppositories, insemination, and blue discharge - It would probably be in your best interest to just stop reading.  Like, seriously.

As you all know, my uterus decided to be cooperative for once - and I was able to start another cycle of hormones and melt downs.  My doctor said it was unnecessary for me to be on 200mg of Clomid (which is the highest dosage), and that I could go back to 150mg - which is still a hell of a lot of hormones, just not as bad.  So I took those, and boy are those side effects fun.  Aside from the really ridiculous melt downs I have and feeling like I have absolutely no control over my moods - the worst side effect is probably what it does to my vision.  Since when does a drug that is supposed to help with ovulation, start effing with a person's vision?  Everything that moves gets oddly blurry, and I see lights flashing if I move my eyes too fast.  It's the weirdest, and most annoying thing ever.  It gets really bad at night, and when I lay in bed, it literally feels like the entire room is spinning.  Fun, right?

Anyways, almost a week after my last pill of Clomid, I was scheduled to go in for an ultrasound where they'd check and see how many mature follicles I had.  Normally, women have one follicle on either side that will release an egg when it matures.  Thanks to the Clomid, I had three nice big juicy follicles. Which yes, means that there's a very slim possibility that I could end up with triplets - though, from what I've read, it isn't very likely.  And even though I secretly would love having twins - triplets might just do me over.

After measuring the follicles, my doctor mentioned that my uterine lining was a little bit thinner than she likes to see it - yet another side effect of the Clomid.  So she prescribed me some estrogen pills, that are usually swallowed, but she informed me that I'd be taking these suckers vaginally, twice a day.  Something I can't say I've ever done, but nodded my head like I had been swallowing pills with my vagina my whole life.

She told me that she wanted me to take the HCG trigger shot I had as soon as I got home.  The trigger shot essentially forces the mature follicles to release an egg, so you can be sure that you've ovulated.  I panicked a little, because I had been planning on having Shawn administer the shot, because, well, I've never given myself a shot before - and it kind of scared the hell out of me.  But Shawn was working - so I had to do it myself.  They gave me a quick tutorial on how to mix the liquid in one vial with the powder in the other vial with the biggest ass needle I've ever seen in my entire life.  They made sure to tell me that I had to switch the needle to the smaller one before I shoved it into my stomach - which was a gem of knowledge I'll be forever grateful for.

When I got home, I was sure I was going to eff up the entire shot and end up squirting HCG all over my bathroom.  But by the good grace of God, I managed to mix the two together, and get the stuff into the syringe.  And it took me about 10 minutes to switch the needle, because I'm pretty much a moron.  The fact that I was shaking so badly and really clammy, didn't help much.  I finally was ready to inject myself - and I just sat and stared into the mirror for at least 93 hours before I mustered the courage to do it.  I was surprised at how much it didn't hurt as I put the needle in my stomach, and just as surprised at how much it did hurt as I injected it.  I was feeling a mixture of pride and trauma afterwards and decided to go pick up the estrogen pills my doctor had prescribed.  They're these tiny little blue pills, which I didn't think much of, until I noticed patches of blue in my underwear and on toilet paper a few hours later.  Blue discharge?  Really?  Could infertility be any less glamorous?  Though, the look on Shawn's face when he saw blue on the toilet paper was pretty amusing, to say the least.

My IUI was scheduled for the next morning.  IUI is basically a glorified vagina turkey baster.  Basically they collect Shawn's "specimen", wash it (Right?  Who knew you could wash sperm?), get all the champion swimmers and then squirt them past my "hostile" cervix and straight into my uterus.  (When Shawn pictured the whole thing, he kept imagining all his sperm being washed, and dressed up in fancy suits - after all, it was a special occasion.)   As I sat on the table, without pants, waiting for them to come and inseminate me - I couldn't help but think that  between the fluorescent lighting, the paper covered table, the stirrups, and B98.7 playing in the background, it would be the most unromantic conception ever.  My doctor finally came in with her vagina baster, and let me know that they were able to pick out 16.4 million good swimmers.  Apparently they like to see at least 5 million, so needless to say, Shawn was feeling pretty good about himself.  Once my feet were in the stirrups, the whole thing went down in literally 3 minutes.  The doctor mentioned that it was the easiest IUI she had done in a really long time.  Thank you, vagina.  She left the room and told me to stay laying down for the next 10 minutes or so, and suggested I start pep talking the swimmers in the meantime.  I probably less pep talked them than I did threaten them.  16.4 million sperm with 3 big ass ol' targets.  C'mon, how hard can that be?

Afterwards they gave me a sheet of instructions...

Nothin' like a little prescribed sex, which admittedly, isn't nearly as fun as the non-prescribed kind.  I was to start taking vaginal progesterone suppositories the next day.  I had had these in my fridge for who knows how long, and wasn't really sure what to expect.  Would they just be pills like the stupid little blue things I was still shoving up my lady, or would it be like, a cream - which would have been a real treat.  Turns out it was neither.  They were these weird looking, bullet shaped white things that dissolved.  And since this entire post is TMI Central, can I just say that these did not help the blue discharge situation.  If anything, it was amplified.  Real sexy.

Which brings us today, where I continue to take the blue pills and vagina bullets, while I wait for what will probably be the two longest weeks of my entire life.  First time IUIs don't have a reputation for being overly successful, but it does happen.  I'm well aware that this cycle may fail - but I would be over the freakin' moon if it worked.  It's officially been over a year since we first started trying to grow a baby - 15 months, to be exact.  I always knew getting pregnant would be a bit of a hurdle, but it never really occurred to me that I'd still be trying at this point.  I don't know if it was a positive attitude, or complete ignorance - in any event, it's thrown me for a loop.  And even now, I tell myself that I'll for sure be pregnant by the end of this year - when in all reality, I could be writing a similar post another year from now.  The nice thing is that I've finally come to terms with the fact that it really isn't up to me when we get pregnant.  Whenever we do, will be the right time.  And if it's not now, or a year from now - it's okay.



  1. Wahooooo!!! :) I want to add a 'Swim!' Of my own. Prayers are being doubled and my toes are crossed (toes have to be more lucky then fingers). :)

  2. Hi sweeeeetie! Love your candor! And yes...#SWIM.SWIM.SWIM!!! :)

  3. I really hope this works for you girl!! I wish we could have done IUI--it sounds like you had a really promising cycle! Everything is crossed...

  4. I'm rooting for Shawn's well dressed multitude of champion swimmers as well.

    And that right there might be the creepiest comment I've ever left on a blog.

    Good luck to you!

  5. Thanks for posting about this, it's very interesting and good to feel more informed about this topic. I hope it works out and you get twins!! Good luck with your blue vagina goo!!

  6. SWIM! Praying for you and Shawn and babies. Love you, Chels. You're refreshingly honest and I was grossed out by none of it. I mean, you should have heard the conversation I had with Emily last night. TMI central.

  7. For some reason I just adored this post. Between the "vagina swallowing pills" and "vagina bullets" and "unromantic conception" and "sperm dressed up in tuxes" I was rolling. I think it's amazing you have such a good attitude about all of this. I also want to mention I think it's awesome that the paperwork tells you to have an orgasm. I'm rooting for those champion swimmers and for the "hostile" environment to lighten up a bit!!

  8. you seriously are the BRAVEST person i know. shots!!!! self administered!!! ahhhh!! and how awesome is it that you are sharing this story with other people who may be going through similar things. SWIM!

  9. Tomorrow is May 1 and I hope it's a great day for you!