Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Bangs, Applebees, and Husband Toots.

Sheesh, with all this talk about my broken pipes, I'm starting to think I should change the name of my blog to something catchy.  Like,  "Infertility: Adventures in Vagina Land" or "Mission Impossible: Make a Person" or "5,000 Things You Never Wanted to Know about My Uterus."

Bazinga.  Totally kidding.

I promise I'm not trying to turn this blog into infertile whiny boob central.  It just happens to be the most interesting, albeit irritating, thing going on in my life right now.  So, you know, I could tell you about my trip to the doctor today, and how I have another enormous cyst, and how I'm back on birth control for three weeks, and how if I could bitch slap my ovaries, I would.  Hard.  But since I've already posted a pretty much identical story here, I think we all get the gist: Cancelled cycles suck balls. Shitdamnhell.

That said, I promise I do other stuff other than have epic meltdowns, and spend my days Googling the most embarrassing, ridiculous infertility-related things ever.  (Seriously, if anyone ever saw my search history, I would die a little inside.)  And although the other stuff may not be nearly as interesting* as self injecting myself with hormones, or getting inseminated with a fancy turkey baster - it's a nice change of scenery.  So here are some bullets, to prove I have a life outside of trying to get myself knocked up.

-The other day my bangs were bugging the ever-loving crap out of me.  You know those days.  The ones where if someone handed you a buzzer, you'd shave your entire damn head, a la Britney Spears.  Luckily I wasn't feeling overly psychotic, and decided I would try and trim my bangs.  Long story short, I couldn't find normal people scissors, so I cut my bangs with a nose hair trimmer.  Because I'm special.  In my defense, they're still technically scissors, just smaller and a hell of a lot more dull.  And my bangs?  They're pretty special now too.

-We saw The Avengers, along with 4832904893204789790482 other people this last weekend.  I thought it was a great movie.  And I still think Thor is the sexiest piece of ass on that show.  Greow.  Though Iron Man and the Hulk definitely won me over for comedic value.

-Today we went to Applebees because we had a gift card, and that is the only way you can make us go to that restaurant.  It was around 3:30 or so, and we walk in, and there are literally no other customers in the place.  None.  I tried to take a picture... But it didn't do the actual desolation of the place an ounce of justice.

Anyways, our waitress comes over and asks what we want to drink.  Shawn sees a drink on the menu called "Realberry Lemonade."  So naturally he asks our waitress what Realberry Lemonade is.  And she gave us the most judgmental "you're a dumbass" look and replied, "It's lemonade with real berries in it."  You don't frickin' say?!  Turns out it was just strawberry lemonade, with real strawberries in it.  You know, opposed to the fake ones.       ?!       Anyways.  In the meantime, a few more people sauntered into the restaurant.  We finally ordered our food, and I asked for a thing of ranch dressing.  I had to ask the host, that was right next to our table to get me some ranch, because it didn't come with my food.  Our waitress comes over about 10 minutes later, and apologizes about the ranch and tells us that "things got really busy."  Um, there were literally like 7 people total in the entire restaurant.  The hell?  So with that, on top of the chicken fingers that tasted like fish, and the warm lemonade - I can safely assure you if we ever get an Applebees gift card again, it will be re-gifted.

-I decided to get a little more aggressive with my real estate classes, even though they're the most absurdly boring classes ever.  So far I've finished a whopping 14 of the required 120 hours.  But I'm learning fancy words like 'encroachment', and 'escheat', and 'eminent domain', and 'testate'.  Check me out, miss fancypants Real Estate poser.  I'm hoping that I can finish the classes this Summer/Fall and have my license by the end of the year.  So we'll see how that goes.

-My animals are really special.  Mostly when they're sleeping.  Remember this post?  Well I've got a few more gems to add to the bunch.

My favorite pictures are when we catch them snuggling with each other.

How embarrassing.

-The other day Shawn came into my office while I was working and sat on the floor and played with Bob.  And out of no where he rips the loudest fart I've ever heard in my entire life.  He was instantly embarrassed when he realized that the guy living in the room right below probably heard and felt it.  And I laughed for about 10 minutes.  Because I'm 7, and still think farts are the funniest thing on the planet.  I'm pretty positive that I'll still be laughing at farts when I'm 80.  Because if there's anything funnier than farts, it's old people farts.

And you know that when a paragraph has the word 'fart' in it 5 times, it's probably time to peace out, before the internet judges you even more than they already have.

*Told you.


  1. I really loved this post. I'm normally super unimpressed when people blog about their pets, but the dog peaking over his shoulder is really truly hilarious and adorable and could go the distance and make the rounds on LOLcats or something. And bloggers always apologize when they talk about farts and poop, but really, what else do we all have in common, (besides rude waitresses.) So don't ever stop. I have the same...problem... in that I LOL in spite of myself. You may not know that Johnny Depp has a reputation for things like bringing a fart machine on set and stuff. I once saw a random really old british interview with him on youtube and there's this abrupt clip of the interviewer saying in his posh accent "Why are you obsessed with farts?" And then Johnny just answers all dreamy and moody and thoughtful, "Because they are... beautifully... blatantly... anti-social." And there you have it! And your blog is the perfect thing to read on my blackberry when I'm pooping anyway.

  2. OMG that last picture of the two animals is SO CUTE!!!

    I think farts are funny, too. It's okay :) And you're allowed to whine all you want about your lady parts. I don't mind!

  3. Testate... that sounds like something that would fit right in on your Vagina Monologues blog! That photo of your cat sleeping on its back cracked me up! Looks like a crime scene photo.