Thursday, May 3, 2012

Turns Out, I'm Going to Survive

So, my last post was admittedly abrupt and depressing.  I knew there were plenty of people waiting with bated breath to find out whether the procedure worked or not - so I decided to go the quick-like-a-bandaid route.  The nurse sure took her sweet ass time to call me with the results.  I went in at around 9ish in the morning, and as the tech took my blood, she asked, "So, are you hoping for a positive?"  And just when I thought my eyes couldn't roll further back into my head, I managed to mutter, "Yes." while subsequently semi-hating any woman that answered her question with no.   So 3 o'clock rolls around, and I'm pretty much dying by this point.  So I call and leave a voicemail for my nurse to call me the eff back.  I'm convinced that they spent the whole day arguing over who had to call me with the results.  I can't imagine it's too fun to call already hormonal women, and basically say, "We know you just spent a gigantic crapload of money for this procedure, but turns out your lady parts are still giant assholes, and you aren't pregnant."

I was able to maintain my composure long enough to thank the nurse for finally calling and hang up.  And then I cried.  If there's any silver lining, some of it would be that I was about 98% sure that it would be negative beforehand.  I had been peeing on sticks like an obsessed lunatic, and that morning, they were still negative.  My only 2% glimmer of hope was coming from Google, where I read about stories of women who had gotten negative pee sticks, but had positive blood tests.  And then those stories about women who don't even get positives 'til they're 4 months along.  All stories that were the exceptions, not the rule.  I wanted to be the exception.  But something in my gut told me that I wouldn't be, at least not this time.  And I think knowing that, softened the blow a little bit.  So that day, there surprisingly wasn't any full blown mental lady breakdown.  Just a lot of silent tears.  And yes, that's still super depressing, but hey, the good news is I can finally take a break from the vagina bullets, and wearing the most massive pads at night that were nothing short of big ass people diapers, and still waking up in puddles of progesterone.  That I will not miss.  Silver lining, baby.

Even though I'm diaper free, I'm still a little sad.  And as it turns out, my mental lady breakdown happened the next day.  You know, the one where you blubber, and hyperventilate, and snot all over the damn place.  It so conveniently triggered while I was working, when my husband came in and thanked me for working so hard.  I burst into tears as I told him that this isn't the work that I'm supposed to be doing right now.  That I'm supposed to be a mom raising children.  And thus my pent up emotions flowed like a big snotty river.  Shawn just sat and held me, as I sobbed about how unfair life is.  He is a wonderful man, and even though I know his heart is aching too, he's been an amazing support to me.

Speaking of support, I have to say thank you.  Thank you for all your kind words and prayers.  Thank you for being so concerned for us.  Thank you for caring.  I have literally felt your prayers, and I firmly believe that it's what has kept me from completely nose-diving into a really dark place.  I know that the Lord has been right by my side, holding my hand and easing this heartbreaking burden.  I know He will help me through this, and some day we will have the blessing and privilege to raise our beautiful children, who I already love more than anything in the world.  The fact that there are so many people on both sides rooting for us, is more comforting and wonderful than I could ever possibly express in words.  So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.


  1. I am so unbelievably sorry, Chelsea. My heart truly hurts for you. This is such a shitty thing to go through, and I hate that it's happening to such a great person. If you ever need to talk or vent, or if y'all decide to go the route of IVF and you have any questions at all, please know that I am always here for you. I wish I could give you a big, giant, squishy hug right now.

  2. Hey Chelsea this is Marianne Ackermann from Rho. I read your blog pretty regularly and when I read this I could just feel how unbelieveably sad you are feeling. It completely breaks my heart. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I don't know how it feels like to have to go through that kind of pain but I know that I could never be as strong as you for going through it now. You must be super strong in Heavenly Father's eyes to be given this trial because I know I could never handle it. Just know that I am thinking and praying for you and your family.

  3. I saw the link on Facebook and just spent an embarrassing amount of time catching up on your story a bit. Although we didn't have to go through the procedures you are having to, it did take some struggle and some pills and some tears before we finally got pregnant with our little boy. With every negative test and every mother complaining about her children and every pregnant woman whining about her discomfort I wanted to rip the faces off of everyone with my bare hands and crawl into a deep dark hole at the same time. But anyways I just wanted to say that some day you will have your little baby and this struggle will make it that much sweeter. Anytime I'm having a day when I think I'm not cut out for this motherhood stuff, I think back on how I would have given anything to have my baby here with me instead of just haunting me in my dreams and it makes everything seem good again. I wish you guys the best of luck!

  4. Also, I realize that depending on the day my last comment could be one of the most annoying things to hear ever. So maybe read it on a good day.

  5. Hey. I know it doesn't help to say we're sorry, but we are, and we wish we could help. I am sending you lots of sticky baby thoughts, and I have a feeling that someday soon you will snuggle your own little one, and remember how much you wanted that little person. The best mamas are the ones with endless hearts, and you've got no worries there.
    Luck and love to you both.

  6. I've read your blog for awhile - I have no clue how I stumbled upon it in the first place! But I was one checking in repeatedly to see if the results were in, and felt so very sad for you.

    Trying to have a baby is such an emotional process, and when it's not as easy as you expect it to be (we're made to have babies, right??!), it's devestating. And isolating. And yes, you will survive this blow. But it still hurts, and it's allowed to hurt, you're allowed to wallow a bit. Even knowing (as you mentioned) that you will be blessed with kids, it still hurts right now. Be patient with yourself as you process, and know that most people will say things that piss you off or seem insensitive. Everyone means well. It's one of those things, I think, where people just don't know what to say. (So my apologies if I've offended!!)

    You've clearly got a ton of people rooting you on, and sending good thoughts and prayers to you and Shawn. I'm glad you can feel that.

    Keep hanging in there.

  7. looks like we're sisters in the same boat, my dear. know that you're not alone, not even in the least. have had the ugly cries until i'm ugly-cried-out. keeping counting that awesome husband of yours as a blessing. i'm a firm believer that Heavenly Father has kept these particular husbands for us knowing they are just the prescription-strength our hearts need. lub you. ::hugs::