Monday, June 18, 2012

That One Time I Bought A Treadmill That Gives You Cancer*

Once upon a time, Shawn went on a fishing trip to Lake Powell for several days with his dad and some other guys from his family.  When Shawn goes out of town without me, there at least two things that will happen every time: 

I'll watch an embarrassing amount of Netflix
I'll buy crap. 

Every time.  (Especially when I'm watching series like Grey's Anatomy, that have 5829048932432 seasons.)  And then there's things that I don't do.  You know, like shower or brush my hair or wear a bra.

I digress...

Since I was alone, and bored, I decided to check out my newest crush, Groupon Goods.  Because they have the most random crap in the entire world - crap that I would probably never buy at the store.  Or, you know, crap I wouldn't buy ever.  Like a Justin Bieber singing toothbrush.  Anyways, I was browsing all the items and came across a treadmill for $150.  I was elated.  I had been dying to get a treadmill, mostly because I hate running through neighborhoods and on streets.  Because you know that people are totally judging the shi out of you, and thinking, "Look at tubby go!  Good for her!"  (That's what they say in my world, anyway.)  And then there's the jackasses that think it's fun to honk as they drive by.  So obviously a treadmill would solve pretty much all my problems.  You know, minus the fact that I really just hate running in general.

This particular treadmill was a nice, small magnetic treadmill.  I admittedly had to Google 'magnetic treadmill', because I had no idea what the heck it was.  From the reviews I gathered that it didn't have a motor, and actually was more similar to running outside because you have to run to get the belt to move.  I found this infomercial type video for it:

So, of course I'm thinking I've hit the motherload of all treadmill jackpots and wasted no time in purchasing it.  When Shawn got home from his trip, I let him know I bought a treadmill online.   Let's just say he wasn't nearly as thrilled and proud as I was.

A couple weeks and a lot of eyerolls from Shawn later, it finally came in the mail.  I was so excited.  Like, Christmas excited.  I proceed to tear open the box, and the most terrible fume fills our entire house and instantly makes me sick to my stomach.  I hardly even know how to describe the smell - it was just really bad.  I tried to ignore the nauseating smell, and ambitiously open the instruction manual to see if it's something that I could assemble myself.  (Pffft.  Yeah, right.)  And the first thing I see is an enormous warning that says:

"WARNING: This product contains a chemical known to the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects, and reproductive harm."

Um, what the hell?!  I'm immediately paranoid that I've somehow managed to inhale this chemical through the smell that was swallowing my house, and that I was going to get vagina cancer and have a three headed baby.  After taking all the parts out of the box, I decided that I didn't really want to risk having a baby with 5 legs by putting it together I probably wouldn't be able to assemble it by myself.

When Shawn got home, he was welcomed by a wave of plastic-y smelling crap, and treadmill parts strewn from hell to breakfast.  I immediately informed him to hold his breath, or he'd get penis cancer and all his sperm would die.  We decided to risk our lives, and assembled the treadmill together.  After it was complete, I tested it out.  And let's just say we learned pretty quickly that it was a poorly judged purchase - which is probably a gigantic understatement, if you ask my husband.  If you weren't holding onto the handles, you had to haul some serious ass to keep from flying off the back of it.  Not all slow and graceful like the stupid blonde on the YouTube video was doing it.  The magnetic dial thinger didn't really seem to change a damn thing.  So after literally 10 minutes of it being assembled, we listed it on KSL classifieds and carried it into the garage. We haven't touched it since.

Shawn has since, very lovingly, told me that I probably shouldn't buy anything off Groupon Goods without talking to him first.  Except that I completely ignored him, and bought Toby and Bob the funnest fountain bowl drinker thing ever a few weeks ago (wife points!) - because what dog and cat doesn't want to drink out of a fancy bowl with a fountain (even though Toby apparently still thinks the toilet is fancy enough)?  And.  It won't give them cancer.  So there's that.  And I won't even talk about the big fake diamond earrings I got for $9.  Or the fact that I just got an email that they have heart rate monitor watch thingers for $10.  Sigh.  I may or may not have a teensy problem.  I just love getting presents in the mail, what can I say?  (You know, other than SORRY, HUSBAND!)  

That said, anyone want to buy a treadmill?


*I promise I'm not a gigantic moron.  I know the treadmill probably wouldn't give us cancer.  And the warning was just for all the sue-happy people.  But exaggerating is fun.  


  1. Uh, negative on the treadmill, but I'm with you on having a problem. I am 100% ADDICTED to shopping online. I love the thrill of waiting for a package, of opening it up when it gets here, of getting a so-called good deal. At least you buy useful things... I buy craft supplies. A lot of craft supplies. It's disturbing, really.

  2. This was hilarious chels. I laughed out loud. A few times. Good stuff :)