Monday, June 11, 2012

Vitamin C, Bob on Drugs, & My Butt

So, I had an enormous laundry list of crap to blog about, because I'm organized like that.  But I somehow managed to shred it, because apparently I'm not organized.  So you'll be lucky if I even remember two things that I had written down, because I'm probably the most senile 24 year old you'll ever have the pleasure of knowing.  That said, here are some bullets for your viewing pleasure.

-My dad is finally back home!  He came home on Friday, and he said being at home was a "slice of heaven."  So it's nice to have him finally out of the hospital.  /dadupdate

-I'm finally off birth control... again.  We're doin' the same song and dance this month as we did last time.  Clomid, trigger shot, IUI, and vagina bullets.  A woman in my parent's ward told us to not drink caffeine, and to take extra Vitamin C.  And we figured, what the heck - can't hurt anything.  So we've done that.  Normally I'm fine taking pills, but my prenatals and Vitamin C are damn horse pills.  It takes some serious concentration to swallow them - and there are times where I'll panic and swallow all the water in my mouth, but not the pill.  And you know what happens when you don't swallow your vitamin in a timely manner.  Your mouth tastes like asshole for hours.  No one wants that.  That said, I actually Googled Vitamin C & Fertility (of course) and it actually can help... Especially for women who are taking Clomid as well.  So if by some miraculous act of God, I do get pregnant this month - I will go to my grave saying it was the Vitamin C.

-Related: Three things I don's suggest for women with broken baby makin' pipes? Watching What to Expect When You're Expecting.  Mistake.  I literally looked away from the screen for about the last 20 minutes of the show, because I knew if I started sobbing, I probably wouldn't stop - because I'm a gigantic boob.  Second?  Going to the zoo.  I've never seen so many freakin' strollers and adorable children in one place.  Third?  Going to sacrament meeting on Mother's Day.  I was snotting all over the damn place as the primary kids sang and waved to their moms and as women gave talks on how what a blessing it is to be a mom... yadda yadda yadda.  I'm sure motherhood is glitter and sunshine, but for someone who's wanted to be a mother since I was literally 4 years old, it's not all particularly easy to digest.  I promise I'm not bitter.  I just don't plan on attending church on Mother's Day until I have spawn of my own.

-I went to the dentist and had no cavities.

^That.  I asked the dentist a bunch of questions about Invisalign - because I've never had braces, and would kind of love to get my teeth straight.  When I talked to Shawn about it, he said, "But I love you just the way you are!"  Which is manspeak for, "Hell no.  Too expensive."  Sigh.  

-(This bullet is a gigantic overshare - and not of the vagina variety.  You were warned.)  So several weeks ago I had my first encounter with what I now know were hemorrhoids (which, by the way, is one of the top 10 most disgusting sounding words ever - fitting, I suppose).  Because apparently I'M AN 87 YEAR OLD, DISGUSTING MAN.  Seriously.  What on Earth?  My first indication was... well, blood.  And after realizing it couldn't possibly be the normal kind of bleeding - I immediately Googled 'bloody stool' (because I'm sophisticated and use the fancy term for poop).  After reading no more than two websites, I called my husband and informed him I was pretty sure I had butthole cancer.  Then I talked to my good friend, who laughed and told me that she had had the same thing, and it was probably hemorrhoids - and mine were probably caused by stress.  Because apparently stress causes hemorrhoids?  (Also, turns out sitting on the toilet for too long can cause them too, which I thought was the funniest thing ever, because I'm 5.)  I immediately told her that my butt didn't itch, because I've always assumed that was the main symptom of hemorrhoids - an itchy crack.  Needless to say that particular conversation was rather enlightening, in the worst way possible.  My friend proceeded to tell me that they have ASS BULLETS to help get rid of it.  Okay, vagina bullets, I can handle.  That's a God-made entrance.  My butthole?!  Exit. Only.  Leakage.  Shudder.  And I knooow hemorrhoids can be a pregnancy thing - but I'm not pregnant, nor a fat dude that sits on the toilet too long, so I'm a little appalled.  The good news is it's all gone, and I can go back to be a feminine woman who's ass isn't plagued with crusty old man hemorrhoids.  So there's my disgusting story for the month - just when you thought there wasn't a line I haven't crossed.  Also, I don't think I'll ever misspell 'hemorrhoids' ever again.

-I started my Jillian Michael 30 day Shred video... again.  I've done it 5 days in a row, which honestly equals a measly hour total - but I'm still pretty impressed with myself.  I'm determined to lose some weight, or inches, or something.  Once I get done with the 30 days, I'll probably move on to something a little more lengthy than a 20 minute workout.  But for now, it works.  Because I'm really out of shape.  Unless round is a shape.  Badum ssssssssss.

-I started watching Grey's Anatomy while I work.  I've made it through to Season 6, and other than One Tree Hill, I don't think I've ever cried so much during a TV show.  Not that that's saying much, because it doesn't take much for me to start bawling, especially when I'm jacked up on Clomid hormones.

-We got Bob declawed.  You may think we're terrible people, and if so, blame Shawn.  He made the appointment.  But he was destroying our leather couches and carpet... And that's kind of an ass move if you ask me.  I took him into some animal hospital in the ghetto.  No one had their dogs on leashes.  Some completely random cat walked into the lobby, then sauntered out.  There was a Mexican dude with a British accent.  The woman running the front desk was at least 100 years old.  She asked me what Bob was in for about 17 times.  And every time I told her, I got a collective judgmental glare from everyone in the room.  We had to leave him there for a few days, and when we picked him up they gave us some pain killer juice for him.  One night when we gave him the feel-good sauce, I was working pretty late, and I looked over and saw Bob staring at the ceiling.  He literally stared up at the ceiling for 45 minutes.  The only time he ever looked away was when I said, "Kitty!" in this really riveting video I'm about to show you.

Bob was trippin'.  And it was creepy and hilarious all at the same time.

And even though I could probably come up with 18 more bullets - I think we're probably good, eh?  Moral of the blog?  Take Vitamin C and don't sit on the toilet for too long.  

You are welcome.


  1. Bahahaha. I love this. Also that video of Bob is awesome.

  2. Ok, so two things:
    1 - I've heard that cough syrup can help a woman get pregnant. I think Robitussin in particular, but I'm not sure. I learned that after I became pregnant, and I was, in fact, taking it for a cough when I got pregnant. Apparently because it acts as an expectorant, it helps the girly stuff act as a better guide for the boy stuff to swim where it needs to go. Weird, right? Google Robitussin and Pregnancy.
    2 - I am doing invisalign right now - I totally wish I'd done regular braces. They are a pain to take in and out all day long, and I thought not being able to snack whenever something yummy was in front of me would help lose a few pounds - wrong. I just gorge when I have them out. ;)

  3. Ok about Ali's comment, one of my friends says that cough syrup makes her vag tingle... so maybe she's spot on!! I love reading your posts! I love how honest you are, i wish i was more like you!!

  4. That GIF makes me flat out belly laugh every time I see it. LOVE IT.