Thursday, July 19, 2012

Legen.... Wait For It....

Remember how I love talking about myself?  Rather, I love writing about myself?  Well, that combined with also loving to tell you things you probably didn't want to know and not having much of anything remotely interesting to blog about - it's time for yet another edition of the way outdated meme, "20 things about Chelsea that you could have lived the rest of your life without knowing."  Hooray!

And if I manage to repeat crap I've already told you in the past (which I'm about 74% certain I will) - let's agree that you'll just nod your head politely and pretend it's just as interesting as it was the first 5 times.  (Because no one likes the asshole that stops you mid-story and says, "YOU'VE ALREADY TOLD US THIS STORY."  Well, I'm telling it again.  So STFU.)

That said...

1.  I've recently discovered my first stretch marks ever on my butt and thighs - which is a nice mixture of horrifying and downright depressing.  I think the worst part is that I don't have the convenient excuse of growing a tiny human to explain them.  Instead I blame it on hormones and eating brownies for breakfast.

2.  At one point I legitimately wanted to be a janitor when I grew up.

3.  For the longest time I thought the AC/DC song said, "Dirty deeds and the Thunder Chief."  I still sing it that way, because it's more awesome.

4.  I am absolutely bloody terrified of the ocean.  Sharks.  Deep, dark water.  Waves.  *Shudder*  The fact that I may or may not be the worst swimmer on the planet might be a contributing factor.

5.  When I was young, I collected chewed gum in a Ziploc bag.  When my mom found it, she made me throw it away.  I was furious.

6.  I've been married for over 2 years now, and I still have dreams about ex-boyfriends.  Wife points.

7.  I suck at job interviews.  I give the most ridiculous, unprofessional answers in the entire world.  And occasionally blurt out, "Man, I suck at interviews!"  Now there's someone people want to hire.  The only interviews I've ever felt confident walking out of were with my bishop.  Because you walk out with a temple recommend in your hand, and you know you passed.

8.  Some people cuddle after sex...  I do headstands.

9.  The biggest traffic ticket I've ever gotten was for going 70 MPH in a 30 zone.  Which was 20 minutes after my purse had been stolen from underneath my seat in a movie theater.  (Emotional driver, much?)  I cried, and got out of getting my car towed and a "reckless driving" ticket.  Instead it he wrote the ticket for exactly how fast I was speeding - and that was $500 big ones.  That was the first time I ever dropped the F bomb out loud.

10.  When I was little, whenever I'd see a black person, I'd point and say, "Look!  Reading Rainbow!"

11.  I have some major memory loss issues.  Like you know, leaving my keys in my car... while it's still running.  And I've heard all about "pregnancy brain."  And I'm about 100% positive that when I do get pregnant, I will go full blown Alzheimer's on everyone.    

12.  I wash already-clean clothes solely to put off having to put them away. 

13.  I secretly would love to have twins.

14.  I've been naked in public twice (you know, minus all the naked baby days).  Once when I went skinny dipping at Girl's Camp right after testimony meeting - and another time when I ran around butt naked outside a motel we were staying at just for the hell of it.  I used to think that life would be better/easier if everyone walked around naked - until I went to places like McDonald's or WalMart, and quickly realized I was wrong on about 54 different levels.

15.  I think Thor is the sexiest superhero ever.  Period.

16.  I work for an airline - and have only been to three of the cities they fly to.

17.  After working in an ER for several months - I refuse to get on a motorcycle.  80% of the traumas that came through were motorcycle accidents that mangled the shi out of people.  Not to mention motorcycles are flat out terrifying anyways.

18.  If someone posts anything remotely baby/pregnancy/bump/howgreatitistobeamom-related on Facebook, 4 out of 5 times, it gets "hidden".

19.  I've entered the Publisher Clearinghouse "Win $5,000 a week for the rest of your life" an embarrassing amount of times - and am somehow convinced that, even though the odds are 1 in 4329048932084903284903284092375892378972930483920, we'll open the door to balloons and a fat ass check some day.

20.  Most days I'd rather swallow a stapler than have to get in the shower and get ready.  Kind of like now.


I'm Chelsea, and I officially have no secrets.

(Seriously, if you're happily married, you win BACON.)

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Grocery Cart Attacks, Pee Sticks, & Grumpy Circus Animal Grandpas

Well, hello there.  I promise I don't purposely write depressing posts and then not post anything for 489320483920 weeks.  Well, I suppose it's kind of on purpose.  Apparently I just like to wait until I have a list of about 18 hundred million things I could potentially write about - and then squeeze 'em into one big epic bullet post.  Or we could just call it laziness.  Either way...

Bullet time!

-Fathers Day... That was like, a month ago, don't worry.  And although technically Shawn isn't a father quite yet, he still gets an A for effort.  Effort=PRESENTS.  So I bought him a pretty red barbecue.  And by 'I bought' it, I mean I forced him to come to Sears with me and tell me which one he liked the best - because I trust myself buying a grill as much as I trust Shawn buying me a pair of jeans.  Anyways, we've cooked a bunch of crap on it.  And by 'we', I mean Shawn.  And by 'crap', I mean pineapple, steak, corn, and pizza.  Delicious!  (Well, minus the pizza that Shawn may or may not have completely scorched to death.  Loveyouhusband.)

-A couple weeks ago I sent Shawn to the store to buy me some pregnancy tests, because apparently it's humanly impossible for me to go 3 hours without peeing on a stick.  Several hours later, I get a call from him and hear him saying in the background, "Do you think it needs stitches?"  Eff.  I'm instantly panicked, because that's my go-to response for about 67% of life.  Shawn goes on to tell me that a grocery cart attacked his face... He was taking it back to the cart drop-off place, and apparently was going too fast, and the cart hit a rock or something and flew backwards and sliced his face open.  I was obviously expecting something a little more traumatic, and admittedly had to stifle a giggle.  Because who the heck slices their face open with a grocery cart?

This guy.

The good news?  Turns out he didn't need stitches, and they diagnosed it as a "dent" in his head - if you can call that good news.  Shawn's biggest concern the entire night was that part of his eyebrow was gone forever - which I find completely amusing.  I was kind of hoping Harmons would offer us a giant load of free groceries to bribe us not to sue them.  Instead they just offered to pay the medical bill - which is fine, I guess.  

-Speaking of pregnancy tests - today I did a massive de-junking of virtually all our cupboards, because we bought a pantry-type thinger from Ikea since we were running out of space for all our crap.  Well, I finally got to the cupboard underneath the sink in our bathroom and found this:

If you've ever doubted my pee stick obsession - or how desperate I get on a monthly basis - doubt no more.  This doesn't even begin to scrape the surface of how many sticks I've peed on in the last year and a half.  And apparently I'm just lazy enough to not throw any of the boxes away when I'm done with them.  6 of the 7 boxes in the picture are empty.  Well except for...

COUPONS.  To buy even more pregnancy tests.  Weeeeeeee!  Yeah, I'm embarrassed for me too.  Except not really.

-When we got married, Shawn's parents graciously offered us their old dining table and chairs - which was great.  We figured we'd sand and re-paint them to make them look a little nicer.  It only took us 2 years to get that project started.  Shawn has done most the work, because when it comes to paint, sand paper, and 483920489302849023 degree weather - you're not going to have my attention for very long.  We kind of totally dropped the ball on taking before and after pictures... So we hurried and took a picture of what was left of the last chair we were priming.

So, as you can kind of see, it looks tooooons better - and that's just the primer coat.  Luckily we were able to sand out a lot of Toby's chew marks on the bottom - so we don't have a constant reminder of what an A-hole he can be.

-Speaking of Toby, we took him to the vet today because he has a sore on his leg that he's been chewing at for the last week or so.  We found a tick in our house, so I was immediately paranoid my dog was going to get Lyme disease and die.  Or that I'd end up having a three-legged dog.  Turns out the sore was just from him biting and licking it so damn much.  The biting and licking can start because of pain, and then just turn into a "behavioral issue" from there, according to the vet.  Great.  I spent $63 on a vet visit because my dog has so much anxiety/boredom that he can't stop chewing on his own leg. Well played, Toby.

-So this one is just so random, that I can't possible come up with a good segway.  You know those times when you hear/see something that it is fairly amusing - and maybe deserves a small chuckle.  But instead you laugh way too hard, for way too long.  Last night I was laying in bed and farting around on Facebook per usual, when I came across this picture that someone had posted...

Oh. My. Gosh.  I literally laughed for 20 straight minutes.  And it was the full on, laughing so hard that no noise was coming out, but I was shaking the entire bed because I was silent-laughing so hard.  (Akin to the first time I ever heard the word 'grizz' referring to a fart.  That I laughed at for about an hour.)  And I mean, the picture is funny, but not shake-the-entire-bed funny.  Shawn wasn't nearly as amused.  Now we're both waiting with baited breath for the opposite end of that slap-happy mood.  Because there will be one.

-Remember how I started Grey's Anatomy - got Shawn sucked in - and finished the entire series in less than two months?  And by 'finished', I mean caught up to the biggest cliff hanger in the history of ever. Sigh.

-The 4th of July was pretty laid back - because I had to work that night, we had gone and seen a big fireworks show the weekend before with a couple friends.  We had our blanket on the already-wet grass, and were playing Phase 10.  I was kicking ass and taking names, because I have Phase 10 on my phone - and have beat the "hard" computers multiple times - so that must obviously mean I'm pretty good.  And then right in the middle of all the fireworks and our Phase 10 game - the freakin' sprinklers come on and shoot directly at us.  What the hell kind of A-holes turn on the sprinklers during fireworks when a butt-ton of people are sitting on your grass?!  So we watched the rest of the fireworks sitting on a curb.  And then I found a spider on my leg.  Good times.

-So the other day we were at WalMart, because that's where we spend 40% of our lives.  As we were walking out to our car, there was an old man walking in front of us with a grocery bag with those Circus Animal pink and white sprinkley cookies.  And I remember thinking to myself, that is a cute old man carrying a bag of Circus Animals.  Well, turns out he was parked right next to us.  We both got in our cars at the same time.  And then he and Shawn started reversing at the same time - which is when this cute Circus Animal grandpa flew. off. the. handle.  He was screaming at us, and making hand gestures, and was absolutely appalled that we were backing out at the same time he was.  As he was screaming out his window, Shawn rolls down his window and calmly says, "Um, you're parked in spot that's marked for a police car," rolled up his window, and drove away.  Of course he drove away after  he had parked behind the old guy for about 45 seconds so the dude still couldn't reverse.  I suppose that was Shawn's special way of flipping off a senior citizen.  Perhaps you had to be there - but it was pretty amusing.  Not ohshitohshitohshitohshit amusing.  But, you know.

Well, was that long, boring, and random enough?

Happy Tuesday, yo.