Tuesday, September 4, 2012

That One Time Kobe Bryant Made Me Soap, I Chased A Hooker, & Gave Birth To 3 Sets of Twins

With a title like that, how can you not come over to see what the heck I'm talking about.  This post is brought to you by my subconscious.  I've been having the most unbelievably bizarre dreams ever for the last several weeks.  Turns out when I have no control over my mind, I have one weird ass imagination.  Normally I don't even really remember my dreams, and if I do, I can usually figure out where they came from (it usually comes down to whatever TV series I've been watching.)

The bizarre dreams aren't all that new, I guess.  I used to have a recurring dream when I was younger that I could walk through my bedroom wall into a magical midget land.  Or there's the time I had a dream that I made out with a toilet.  Yes, a toilet.  Or the time I was running away from bad guys and used a grocery sack to fly away.  And don't even get me started on the dead baby dreams.  I digress.

So lately, I've been waking up and not even kind of understanding where on earth my dreams are coming from, and why I can remember certain parts so well.  They have completely random people in them, even ones I haven't thought about in ages, doing the weirdest things ever.  Some of them are semi-normal, but a lot of them, well, aren't.  The ones that aren't are just completely cracked out and all over the damn place.  One minute I'm sailing on the Titanic, and the next I'm making out with Justin Bieber, because apparently I'm a pedophile.  So, because I know you all obviously really care, I'm going to share some of my more recent dreams with you.  That said, I don't remember all the fun details that I'm sure would make these way more interesting, but oooh well.  

-My most recent dream I remember was last night.  It was about this random man that kidnapped me - chains, shackles, and the whole bit.  As my punishment for whatever I did to piss the dude off, he made me do crossword puzzles.  And in my dream, it was about the worst thing I could possibly be doing short of setting myself on fire.  Right before I woke up, he came in to tell me that he didn't trust me, so I had to wear a diaper....  Because that makes sense.

-I've had three dreams about giving birth to twins.  Three.  The first dream was normal, I gave birth to two adorable blonde boys.  The second one got weirder.  I gave birth to twins, and the first baby came out normal looking, and when they pulled the second baby out, the doctor said, "Well, looks like this one is five years old!"    ?!     Certainly gives new meaning to giving birth to a toddler, I suppose.  In the third dream, the first baby was once again normal, and the second baby came out covered from head to toe in these black bug leech things, and it was absolutely terrifying.  I handed the leech baby to my mom and told her to hold him while I went and Googled what the hell was wrong with him.  And you know you Google too much, when you start Googling crap in your dreams.  Anyways, Google told me that something came "unplugged" in my vagina when I gave birth, and that's what all the black bugs were from.  So I ran back to tell my mom I had a leech-infested vagina, and by that time she had gotten all the black things off him and he was perfectly fine....  I suppose, if anything, it's a step up from dead baby dreams.

-So, real life background on this one: Once upon a time I dated this guy for like 3 seconds, we'll call him Jose.  Jose always talked about wanting to live in Alaska some day.  He ended up dumping me over the phone right before my birthday because he prayed about it and God told him to  The end.  So, in this dream I decided to fly to Alaska for no particular reason on my work break, because that's totally doable in 15 minutes, right?  Anyways, I was reading a map when I got there, and some random dude in a mountie uniform walks up to me and asks if I'm looking for Jose.  I give him the stupidest look possible and tell him no, I just wanted to come to Alaska on my break.  Then Rory from Gilmore Girls shows up and we start exploring Alaska together.  We run into a really fat dude, who looked vaguely familiar.  Turns out it was Jose.  We chatted for a while, and he finally blurts out that he's extremely gay, and that's the reason he dumped me.  I laughed for what felt like 7 hours in my dream, and told him I was late for work and to have a nice life.  If all the dreams I had about moron ex-boyfriends were that they turned out fat and gay, that would be fine by me. 

-I don't really remember most of this next dream.  All I remember is that the police were trying to chase a hooker.  And they told me that I had to chase her on foot, but I had dress up like a hooker myself or I wouldn't be able to run fast enough.  I remember hauling some serious ass in my dream to catch her, and I did.  Because I'm awesome.  And they threw us all in an ambulance and took her to jail.

-My last dream starred Kobe Bryant.  We were dating, because apparently I'm hardly ever married in my dreams.  We'd make out a ton, but it always had to be in secret.  I don't really remember why, but it is what it is.  In my dream I got really tired of having to keep everything a secret, and not being able to see him whenever I wanted.  To remedy that, Kobe Bryant made me a bar of soap that smelled like him.    .........   As he was giving me the soap, I heard something outside and saw a bunch of random guys breaking into my car.  So I opened the door and screamed to them, "You can take my car, but leave my shit alone!"  And then they all started shooting at me.  I tried to run back to Kobe Bryant so he could protect me, but he was gone, and all I had was his musky soap.  Pansy.  (Related: I really don't like Kobe Bryant.)   

Sooooooo, yeah!  I'm sure Freud would have one heck of a field day with all that, eh?  I'm just going to stick with the dreams being a result of my brain purging a lot of garbage.  Because I can't really think of any good reason why I'd be dreaming about hookers or Kobe Bryant making me soap.  Please tell me I'm not the only one that has crazy random dreams?  And that I'm not the only person still dreaming about ex-boyfriends and dudes I liked in junior high?  Am I the worst wife ever, or what?

Seriously.  Tell me your weird dreams.

And on a completely unrelated note: Don't forget about registering to get us an extra entry into the IVF raffle!  September 8th is when early registration is over.  And yes, I'll keep annoying the internet about it until it's over.  :)


  1. Oh jeez, where do I start?
    ~Last week I dreamed my mom was pregnant. I yelled at her and told her "not to be that woman that's so afraid of aging that she keeps popping out kids."
    ~I frequently dream about work and my coworkers, or being a nurse for one of my coworkers, etc.
    ~I dream all the time that Steve is leaving me and that I have to go back to the single's ward and start dating again. (More of a nightmare than anything)
    ~A few weeks ago I dreamed that I quit being a nurse to join the secret service.

  2. I died. DIED! About the hooker dream. I'm serious. I love this.
    Also, totally dream about ex-boyfriends.

  3. I still have dreams that I'm not married or that Alex is just my boyfriend. When another guy asks me out I am like "hold on something's not right here" but I can never figure it out! I also have dreams of yelling at people. And I think I know where they come from. It is from me being to nice and fake to people who really need to be yelled at. So I do it in my dreams.

  4. OH MY GOD. The leeches. Freaking scary!!!!

  5. Hehehehee... I have weird dreams too. Unfortunately most of their details fade by 24-48 hrs. I will say that I still remember the first sex dream I ever had (not that you asked, but apparently I'm sharing) - I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade. He had muscles, tan skin, and longer blond 80's surfer hair. Probably not a great way to be a child I'm thinking. I remember being afraid of getting in trouble if my mom ever found out I'd had a sex dream!
    The only other one that's really stuck with me, beside some scary mass-murder hunting me & my family, is one about the end of the world & Christ's 2nd coming. Sounds scary, and the destruction part was, but it was amazing & peaceful when the Savior was there. It's probably my most favorite dream I've ever had!

  6. HA!! Kobe Bryant soap. That's amazing. And I am absolutely going to have leachy baby nightmares tonight...