Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The One Where I Even Include a Table of Contents. Because I'm Fancy.

So I'm officially 3 days short of not having posted anything for a solid month.  That's not to say I haven't kind of tried - because I certainly have plenty of Drafts to prove it.  But nevertheless, here I am.  And naturally we're going to bullet this baby out, because it's been even longer since we've done one of those.  I'm talking like, the beginning of August.  Because yes, I checked.  And since my bullet posts may or may not tend to get somewhat verbose, I'll even preface it with a Table of Contents just for all you skimmers out there.  Well, and for everyone who inadvertently reads my vagina monologues and immediately regrets it.  (Tip: if you consciously make the choice to read my blog, you can just go ahead and plan on reading about periods, poop, and baby making.  If you don't enjoy the oversharing, no one is making you stay. J)

So, anyways.  Moving right along.  Table of Contents.

1.  The Obligatory Fertility Bullet
2. Metformin: Reminding My Body I'm Actually a Girl
3. Bob: The Cat Who I'm Pretty Sure Does Drugs
4. Kids Say the Darndest Things, and It's Even Funnier When it Happens in Church
5. Pinterest: Giving False Hope to Crappy Cooks Everywhere
6. Gardening: Because Growing a Baby is Clearly Not Our Forte
7. Politics: Something You'll Rarely Hear Me Give Two Craps About
8. My Husband: My Favorite Person on the Planet.  Except for Thor. (I'm only kind of kidding.)
9. Baby Boot Camp
10. The End: Creativity At Its Finest.  (But not really.)

You're welcome.

I'm just going to go ahead and get the shittiest bullet out of the way first.  As of this weekend, we've officially failed our fourth IUI.  I ended up taking injections for about 9 days (injections which cost $60 bucks each, I might add), because, as expected, the Femara did a whole lot of nothing.  I had 2 perfect follicles, Shawn had his highest sperm count ever (25 million post wash. Hey-o.), we prayed, we went to the temple, we rubbed the 5k trophy for good luck - we felt really good about everything.  And nothing.  Nothing except for a single pink line on a pee stick, raging cramps from hell, and about 4832948392048 pregnancy announcements on Facebook to top it all off.  (Seriously though.  Did everyone have a secret meeting and decide to get pregnant allll at the same damn time?!)

So, if we're looking at numbers, so far that's 9 rounds of Clomid, 2 rounds of Femara, 1 round of injections, 4 IUIs, 6 thousand dollars and 21 months of not even kind of getting pregnant.  So yeah, it sucks and I've been pretty sad.  Buuuut I'll survive.  We're going to take a break for a month or two, and just try it the old fashioned fun way.  Taking a break makes me a little nervous that it's just going to prolong my empty uterus.  But eh, it'll be a nice break from the daily injections, the vagina bullets, and the endless ultrasound wands that are shoved up my youknowwhere.  And Shawn, well, I'm sure he isn't too upset that he won't have to make love to a plastic cup for a little while.  So, it'll be good.  Even though I cried after I told the nurse we were taking a break.  And then ate a gallon of ice cream.  Waiting is hard.

I'm starting to get more used to the Metformin my doctor prescribed to keep my man hormones in check.  I have to use one of those Sun-Sat pill holder thingers, because apparently I'm 200 years old and can't keep track of whether or not I've taken my Metformin and a prenatal vitamin.  Sigh.  But between my boobs being on fire, and my uterus throwing the most violently epic rave ever, I'd say that my hormones are getting to where they need to be. And I only say that because I've never had sore boobs or cramps during my period.  Like, ever.  So being one that has the lowest pain tolerance in the history of ever, you can only imagine I've been dealing with that as well as a two year old would.  The other day I was whining about it to Shawn, and he responded with, "Well, it's because your body realizes it's a girl now."  Touche, husband.  Oh, and also?  Two words.  Solid poop.

So I think that's plenty of talk about my uterus and lady problems.  (And seriously, I don't mean for my blog to turn into Infertility central, but it is what it is.)  So, let's talk about my cat!  Just kidding.  I really have nothing to say about him, other than he's the weirdest, most destructive cat on the planet.  We can't leave anything on the counters anymore.  He takes way too much pleasure in knocking it off and feeding it to the dog.  Or, if it's a roll of paper towels, he'll just destroy it himself.  He drags the weirdest things around our house.  And he runs around the house in circles like he's being chased by Satan himself.  I have no idea what that is about.  He's terrified of pretty much anyone besides Shawn or I, and probably would rather be lit on fire than go outside.  He's just quirky.  And apparently when I said I had nothing to say about him, I lied.  Here are some pictures, for those of you who haven't already been inundated by them on Facebook.

Weirdo, right?  But an entertaining weirdo.

We do this thing where we wiggle our fingers under our comforter, and Bob loves it.  This video makes me laugh just about every time I watch it.

This last Sunday during Sacrament meeting, this cute little girl got up to bare her testimony.  She said the normal, "I'm thankful for Jesus... I'm thankful for the scriptures..." and at the very end she followed it all up with a, "And I'm thankful my daddy was able to go to Las Vegas and bring home some money."  It pretty much made my entire day.  

Thanks to Pinterest, I've been trying my hand at cooking a little more these days.  I am far from being even remotely capable in the kitchen, but I'm getting there.  (Semi-related: What is with all the "healthy" desserts on Pinterest?  Who wants to eat healthy brownies made with black beans?  More like barf brownies.  Hello.  Way to take all the fun out of eating crap that's bad for you.  I prefer my dessert unhealthy, thankyouverymuch.)  Aaaanyways.  I've made 3 things I've found on Pinterest so far.  And for someone who doesn't make things much more complicated than cereal, that is pretty impressive.

First I made these banana bread bars with brown butter frosting.  Shawn is constantly pestering me about all the damn bananas I keep putting in the freezer.  And every time I tell him to bug off, because those nasty ass bananas were going to turn into delicious banana bread.  Someday.  So I decided to be fancy and make those bar thingers, because they looked delicious.  I had never actually "browned" butter before, so I was nervous that the frosting would taste like burnt Pam, or something.  But when it all came out, it actually looked pretty good...  

It doesn't look quite like the picture on the website, but it looked edible.  I was too nervous to try some, so I force fed it to Shawn.  He said he liked it, but I heard, "This is terrible.  Do better."  Why?  Because Shawn is a machine.  And if he doesn't have seconds/thirds/fourths, he's either dying or isn't a fan.  He keeps trying to convince me that it's good, and to try some.  So I finally did.  And I'm not one to use the word moist, but holy hell those were moist in the worst way.  You know that absolutely horrendous noise people make when they eat a banana.  Yeah.  It was like that.  It was way too juicy for me.  And there was way too much frosting.  After a little while of the pan sitting on the counter, the banana juice started leaking out.  Or it was the 800 sticks of butter we used.   Either way, it was nasty.  So if you're into that kind of thing, then, great.  But I think we're just going to stick with boring banana bread for next time.

I also made this "Cinnamon French Toast Bake", because, uh, cinnamon rolls and french toast?  Just throw some bacon bits in there and you have the holy trifecta of breakfasts.  This one turned out a little better than the banana butter mush.  Our only real problem with it was that the bottom was pretty soggy, I don't know if it's something that I did wrong, or if people like soggy bottoms.  But it was still pretty good, and actually - for me, at least - tasted better the next day.  Probably because it wasn't as soggy.  

You can even see how soggy it is.  But the top part was delicious!

And then I made my very first pot roast.  And I didn't take any pictures, and I don't have a link to the recipe... But, oh baby.  I achieved sweet culinary climax with that puppy.  I don't know why I don't use my Crock Pot more often.  It was like, made for kitchen dumdums like me.  Huck in a bunch of random ingredients and let it all sit for 8 hours and voila - MEAL!.  That's my kind of cooking.  It's too bad Shawn ate pretty much the entire thing for lunch the next day.  I was legitimately ticked off about that one.  So now, any time we're arguing I throw in, "Remember that one time you ate an entire pot roast?!"  Obviously he didn't eat the entire thing.  But he may as well have.

(Related: I also made my very first meatloaf a couple weeks ago.  Not from anything I found on Pinterest, just because pretty much the only thing we had in our house to eat was hamburger - and I was feeling ambitious.  I don't think I've ever been so grossed out preparing dinner in my entire life.  Mushing raw hamburger, eggs, and all that other crap together with my hands?!  Not a fan.  Turns out the meatloaf, while tasty, gave us both rampant diarrhea.  I don't know if it was just bad hamburger, or if our colons are just allergic to meatloaf.  But either way, the only 'loaf' we'll be eating any time soon is bread.)   

We have some friends that gave us a couple seeds from a 400 pound pumpkin.  That's like, 5 of me.  Okay. Fine.  Probably more like 2.5 of me.  But still.  That's a big ass pumpkin.  We haven't even attempted to start a garden yet, mostly because we don't have a place to put it and because Toby would probably love nothing more than to destroy it.  So we decided to plant these pumpkin seeds at Shawn's parent's house.  And by we, I mean Shawn..  Anyways, we planted them a little bit late and ended up getting one pretty big round orange pumpkin, and another not-so-orange pumpkin.  We haven't weighed them yet (although I feel pretty confident in saying they're no where near 400 pounds), and you can't really tell just how big they are in this picture I'm going to show you...  Buuut, we're still pretty proud of our very first grown vegetable.. or is it a fruit?  Whatever.  We grew something, and with our track record, it's pretty impressive.

So, confession time.  I just barely registered to vote for the first time in my entire life.  I'll give you a little space to get all your judging out of the way...

[Judging space]

Better?  The only time I've ever been even remotely interested in politics was when I was studying for an AP Government test in high school.  And that's only because I didn't want to fail a test I paid $80 bucks for.  (Which I didn't, by the way. Bam.)  But recently I've decided that I should probably start giving a flying fart about the election, especially if presidents are going to start making epic decisions about how I receive healthcare, and all that other fun stuff.  So I'm sure it goes without saying that these recent debates have been the first I've ever watched.  And even though I enjoyed reading Twitter more than the actual debate, it was pretty interesting... I guess.  I found myself more irritated than anything, at the stupid smirks and constant interruptions.  But I think my favorite part of the debate, is this video:

"I don't wanna touch sand paper."  *Snort*


I posted most these pictures on Facebook - but I had to get 'em in here too for posterity's sake.  

#1. This day I went to the pharmacy and came back expecting Shawn to be at school... but he wasn't.  And I found him just like the picture shows.  Um, most adorable husband in the entire world?  Uh, yeah.  Pull something like that again, and I might forget that you ate my pot roast.

#2  To say Shawn loves Otter Pops would be a massive understatement.  He is like, the Chuck Norris of eating.  He can't just eat one Otter Pop at a time.  He'll eat them about 10 at a time.  And I'm so not even kidding.  How I'm still the fat one in our relationship is beyond me.

#3  I literally have no idea what he was doing in this picture.  But I, being the respectable wife that I am, could obviously not pass up documenting the occasion.

I love this dude to death and beyond.  And am so glad he doesn't have a blog to make fun of me on.  Because Heaven only knows he'd have plenty of material.

Our good friends just had pretty much the most adorable baby ever.  They ended up needing a babysitter so the mom (Hi Katie!) could go back to work.  I have Fridays off, and offered to watch her.  Last week was the first day I had her all to myself, and it was fantastic!  She's pretty much the easiest baby ever, which made things way less complicated.  Shawn didn't have to work that day either, and stayed home to help me. And all I have to say is he is going to be one adorable dad some day.  Even though he's never changed a single diaper in his entire life.  I think my favorite part of the day, is when I went to go get a blood test, he called and said, "Uh, Rose just farted really loud - and now she won't stop crying."  He wasn't quite ready for his first solo diaper change.  We'll get there though.  

Oh, and the animals.  As soon as we picked her up out of her carseat, Toby flew. off. the. handle.  He didn't even know what to do with himself when she started crying.  And Bob could not get away from her.  Both of 'em were just like, "What in the hell did you just bring into our house?"  Nothing like a tiny human to confuse the crap out of animals.  Fortunately, they both got used to her, and Toby finally calmed the eff down.  

So, even though I'm the oldest of 5 and have had plenty of practice with babies, this will be a good refresher - since I'm like, oh, 11 years out of practice.  We'll just call it Baby Boot Camp.

It's pretty much killing me that I'm out of things to bullet about.  And that I'm ending on an odd number.

*OCD flare-up*




  1. This is one classy post sista. I love the Table of Contents.. Um, Bob hasn't mentioned who.. supplies his drugs, right?

  2. For any future bananas in your freezer... http://bit.ly/Qs3Pqh

    Meatloaf gave you the trots...hmm...I'm assuming it was under cooked. :(

    Bob made me snort. I love Bob.

    And I am obsessed with my crockpot. You know, you can throw a whole chicken in there (take off the skin since that gets rather slimy) no liquid needed and cook away! You can also make...well...just about anything. I've found a few good recipes for the crockpot here you might like: http://www.365daysofcrockpot.com/

    Hugs from California!

  3. For any future bananas in your freezer... http://bit.ly/Qs3Pqh

    Meatloaf gave you the trots...hmm...I'm assuming it was under cooked. :(

    Bob made me snort. I love Bob.

    And I am obsessed with my crockpot. You know, you can throw a whole chicken in there (take off the skin since that gets rather slimy) no liquid needed and cook away! You can also make...well...just about anything. I've found a few good recipes for the crockpot here you might like: http://www.365daysofcrockpot.com/

    Hugs from California!