Saturday, October 20, 2012

What Happens When People Google Butt Vitamins, Baby Wookies, & Fart Monologues

So, Shawn went out of town this weekend to do some fishing with his dad and buddy.  I didn't go because I have to work on Sunday.  Well, and because I think fishing is possibly one of the most boring things on the planet.  Not that I have much experience to back that statement up, but eh.

(Related: I totally realize it's pretty much Internet 101 to not announce to the entire freakin' world that you're home alone for the weekend.  So for the record, I have two fully grown men who are both bouncers living in my basement - one of which keeps a fully loaded gun under his bed.  Plus, ya'll saw what I did to our wall.  So, all the axe murders and skin coat makers should probably just stay the eff away. )

Anyways, today I decided to be semi-productive and clean our house, because my favorite time to clean is when I'm alone.  Well, no.  My favorite time to clean is never.  But, you know.  Anyways, I ended up losing my cleaning mojo about halfway through mopping our hardwood floors on my hands and knees.  That shit is exhausting.  It probably didn't help that I've eaten about 4 pounds of pre-Halloween candy in the last two days.  Yeah, pre-Halloween candy.  It's a thing.  So, that lands us to right now, where I've parked my keister in front of the computer and have been farting around on the internet for the last hour.  And you're probably wondering right about now if this post has a point, or if it's just another way to procrastinate finishing cleaning the house.  And, well, yes to both.  

I realized I hadn't looked at the search terms that have brought people to my blog for a while.  And it's been a while since I've dedicated a post to a handful of those pretty amusing searches.  (Remember this and this?)  So, I decided since I so obviously have the time to kill, I'd do another one.

It really has been a while since I've done one, and for the sake of brevity, I'll only go off of search terms from the last month or else we'd be here for eternity.  (Well, and because my analytics apparently exploded and didn't capture results for a while)  Sooo, here are some of the ones that I thought were mildly more amusing than the others.

"Bra on floor"/"Underwear on the floor"
You'd think this would just be a one-time search.  But alas, I've had several hits with that search.  What the random?  Why does the bra need to be on the floor?  And of course it always links to this post.

"Stinky ass munchkin"
Just another version of the infamous "munchkin cat" search.  Which is still the number one search term that brings people to my blog, for the record.  

See?  But still, why anyone is searching a 'stinky ass munchkin' is beyond me.

"Bizarre dream about insects covering my vagina"

"Each vitamin to use help my butt"
I sincerely hope this person's butt got the help it needed.  Butt vitamins.  Huh.

"Romantic squirting story"

"Normally I can take anything that life throws at me but lately I think I'm cracking up!"
Cool story, bro.

"Monologue about husband farting"
So, apparently my blog is the first result for this one.  Because yes, I checked.

"Sink peeing pair"
What does that even mean?!  (If Shawn were here, he'd answer with the infamous "No one knows what it means, but it's provocative" quote from Blades of Glory.  Because in our house, that's pretty much the answer to everything.)

Then we have all our Pap smear friends...

"Pap test 'tourettes'"
*Snort*  Can you imagine?  To be a fly on the wall...

"Passing out during pap smear"/"Passing out after pap smear"
Does this happen a lot?  Because I have several of these searches too.  Yeah, getting a medieval contraption shoved up your baby maker isn't the most pleasant thing in the world, but I can certainly think of worse things...

"Pap smears and peeing"
Okay.  I understand that this probably happens plenty.  But this is why you pee before your gynecologist gets all up in your business.  I would seriously be mortified.  Probably more mortified than I would be if I pooped while giving birth.  Because if you poop, people can't really judge you, you're pushing a tiny human out your vag.  But a pap smear?  Control your bladder, woman.

"Men in exam stirrups"
Why?  No one wants that.

"Sexy girls shooting a gun with ear protection"

Yeah.  That's right.  MY picture came up on the first page.  Yahtzee.

"Ass butts babble"
I think I speak for everyone when I say that no one wants to hear ass babble.

"Eyebrows reading rainbow"
Eyebrows?  How is that even kind of relevant?

"Wookie baby"
So this search was undoubtedly directed to this post.  But I think they were probably looking more for this:

What. The. Hell!?  That is one creepy ass hardcore costume.  And I will not even kind of be surprised when I have dreams about giving birth to wookies now.  

Thanks again, Google.


  1. I laughed so hard while reading this that my cat got so pissed at my legs jiggling her that she hissed at me and ran off, which was surprising, because normally she is a pretty mellow cat. It could be that I was convulsing pretty hard. Also, I am moving to SLC on Friday, and now I want to have a blogger meetup and talk about passing out during a PAP while eating post-Halloween candy. BOOYAH.

  2. Bahahahahaha!!! I'm so sorry that you've been having some tough times in the land of fertility lately, but am so glad that you're maintaining that sense of humor. You're hilarious! And I'm pretty sure I'm going to have Wookie baby nightmares tonight...