Thursday, March 28, 2013

Old Farts, Shawn's Hole & Our Special Animals

Okay, guys.  The only time I find myself sitting down to blog anymore is on Thursdays, for the throwbacks.  And the longer I put off actually blogging about things that didn't happen 15 years ago, the more my bullet list of things-to-blog-about grows, and the more I procrastinate the crap out of writing it.  So, today we're skipping Throwback Thursday and I'm going to finish this stupid draft that has been sitting in my box for weeks.  Plus, technically everything I'm about to write about is a throwback - because, despite all my promises, I still haven't for real blogged since January.  And I realize that makes two, maybe three, cop-out Thursday Throwbacks in a row.  But, eh.  

Aaaand here's a table of contents, because it's one of those posts.


1. On Being An Old Geezer
2. Shawn's Hole
3. CrossFit + Incontinence = Good Times
4. Shakegasm. Love, Carl's Jr.
5. $15,000 Dollar Baby
6. Toby & Bob Are Really Special
7. Weekends Off - Holler! 
8.  Vacationnnnnnnn




1.
I'm officially 25-years old now.  And somehow I feel like I just turned 62.  I feel old.  And not in the sophisticated, mature, oneyearolderandwisertoo way.  More like a mid-life crisis, menopausal, Relief Society arms, kind of way.  And yes, I realize I'm not getting the senior citizen discount at IHOP anytime soon.  So all you old farts can stop acting offended that I feel so old at 25.  Because you know what I mean.  But hey, now I can rent a car without paying absurd fees.  So there's that.  

My birthday was good though.  Nothin' that'd blow your socks off.  But, you know.  (Related: I just Googled where the phrase "blow your socks off" originated - you know, because that's important - and quickly realized it's "knock your socks off".  Nuuuhr.  Whatever.  Blow sounds better.  Well, okay.  No it doesn't.)  Ahem.  Anyways, that morning I had breakfast with my family and then farted around the house while Shawn was at school on a Saturday.  I had told Shawn not to plan a surprise party, because I apparently had some giant fear that none of my 3 friends would show up.  And naturally when I say, "Don't throw me a surprise party, I don't have enough friends." he thinks it's some kind of secret challenge and starts texting everyone to come over for cake and ice cream.  To his credit, it wasn't a surprise party.  I just now knew who wouldn't be there.  Joking aside, turns out more than 3 people showed up and I actually do have friends that give a rat's crapper that I'm aging.  Well, that, or they wanted cake.  Either way, it was a good time.  




Super attractive pictures, I know.

2.
Hey, remember that one time I was premenstrual and hungry at the same time, and donkey kicked a hole into our bedroom wall?  Well, the other day I may or may not have somehow accidentally pushed Shawn off the couch into our coffee table (that's what he'll tell you, anyways).  And when homeboy gets hurt, he gets really grumpy and turns into the Hulk.  As I've mentioned before, when he roundhouses a wall, he'll do it on the stud.  Because, unlike me, he actually aims when he's going to assault a wall.  I, on the other hand, just kick wherever the hell I feel like kicking.  Anyways.  He "fell" off the couch, hurt himself, and then went and took his anger out on the wall.  Except this time he missed the stud..




I literally have never been happier to have a hole in my wall.  Because now I'm not the only moron who sucks at aiming.  And Shawn can never give me crap ever again for the hole in our bedroom wall.  Luckily, just like last time, he was a good sport and laughed about it.  We went to my parent's house later that night and after excitedly telling them the story of how Shawn's dumb too, I absent-mindedly asked, "Wanna see a picture of Shawn's hole?!"  You can only imagine the reaction that one got.  Initial horror, then hysterical laughter after realizing I wasn't showing them a picture of his actual hole.  


3.
So, we have some friends that are really into CrossFit (Hi Katie!) and have always talked about what a great  atmosphere and community they have there.  So last November, after months and months of avoiding it, I decided to strap on a pair and buy a Groupon to a CrossFit Box that had recently opened near us.  I figured that if I bought the Groupon, it'd force me to go.  Well, we finally went a week before the coupon was going to expire.  How's that for procrastination?  Naturally, I was pretty terrified that I was going to die.  




Anyways, we get to the first foundations class and when it starts, the trainer has us all go in a circle and introduce ourselves and why we're doing CrossFit.  After hearing people give reasons like, "I'm training for a marathon" and "I want to stay fit" and "I want to work on my endurance", it's finally my turn and I say, "I'm here so I don't have to be the fat one in our relationship" as I point to my tall, superskinny husband.  People laughed, but it was an uncomfortable, should-we-be-laughing-at-the-fat-girl kind of laugh.  Good grief, loosen up, yo.

Anyways, the trainer starts by having us jump rope for the first 6 minutes... something I haven't done since I was probably in third grade.  As I started jumping, I suddenly morphed into the most incontinent senior citizen ever.  My bladder does not appreciate jumping.  I suppose it isn't a huge surprise.  I have the weakest bladder ever.  I've peed my pants from laughing too hard more times than I can count.  Apparently I need more Kegels in my life.  So anyways, as if jumping rope isn't hard enough (it's not), I'm over here squeezing my peaches for dear life trying not to wet myself.  It was glamorous, really and truly.  

Afterwards we learned some squats with PVC pipes.  And of course Shawn and I were in the back with our pipes, singing, "Lets get down to business, to defeat HOO HA, the Huuuuuns!"  Because we're super mature.  Then we did wall balls.  Which are just what they sound like, hucking a big ass ball at a wall while you do squats.  In our next class we also did box jumps and ball slams.  Ball slams are officially my favorite.  Mostly because they're called ball slams.  And secondly because you get to take that same big ass ball and huck it on the ground.  It's totally therapeutic.  

So yeah, we've learned all the basics - but still haven't actually gone to a class, because that's where they do all the scary stuff.  But scary workouts aside, I can certainly see the allure of CrossFit.  So we'll see how things go.

4.
Speaking of CrossFit, after one of our classes we went to Carl's Jr. - because that makes sense.  Shawn had always talked about how good their shakes were.  Uh, he wasn't lying.  Those bad boys are muy delicioso.  I went with the Oreo one.  And seriously.  Shakegasm.  Then I ate 2 more in the same week.  Because that's how much I enjoy life.  Whatever moron said "Nothing tastes good as skinny feels" has clearly never had an Oreo shake from Carl's Jr.  Now every time we pass Carl's Jr., Shawn has to physically restrain me from jumping out of the car and getting Diabetes another shake.


5.
So, just in case anyone is wondering, no, I'm not pregnant yet.  We did have our IVF consult with my fertility specialist though.  She's confident that we're extremely good candidates for IVF, and gave us a 75% chance of conceiving with IVF.  And compared to the 20% chance that normal, "healthy" couples have every month - that statistic is pretty damn enticing.  So that said, we've decided to start saving up so we can do it sometime this year.  I'd be more specific with when we're planning to do it, except making that information so public would make it so that everyone will know when to ask or expect to know whether or not it worked.  And I'm not sure I want to deal with that.  So, we'll see how things go.  For now, if you could just keep us in your prayers - we'd be extremely grateful.  Because this really needs to work.  If we spend 10-15 thousand dollars on a procedure that doesn't result in a viable pregnancy - that'll be some seriously brutal heartbreak.  We still haven't heard back from that IVF grant we applied for - supposedly we'll hear mid-April.  So even if we got a partial grant, it would help tremendously.  So, here's to hoping!


6.
I'm sure you're all dying to hear about the havoc our animals have been wreaking.  Toby has upped his assery lately.  He's eaten Shawn's brand new glasses, a thumb drive with a bunch of files on it, more shoes, more garbage, more underwear crotches.  Seriously.  I can throw 800 bones at that dog, and he'll still get into the bathroom garbage and spread it from hell to breakfast.  And Bob doesn't help at all.  The little turd will jump up onto counters, knock stuff off, and that's how Toby gets it.  They tag team it.  





But he does have his cute moments where I don't want to punt him off a cliff.  ("He punted Baaaaxteerrrrrr!"  Name that movie!)  One day after we got snowed on (again) we had Toby outside and Shawn would make a snowball and throw it for him - and it was probably just one of those things that only we thought was funny.  Buuuut, we have a video for your viewing pleasure, just in case you care.

My laugh doesn't sound nearly as mortifying in my head as it does on videos.


Even though Toby loves snow, he probably loves warm weather even more.  Mostly because he can do this:







And there's Bob.  He's a saucy one.  Well, minus the fact that he hates people and outside.  His new quirk is that he shuts doors.  I can't figure out why on earth he does it.  But sometimes him and Toby will be in a room, and he'll shut the door.  All the way.  He's locked himself and Toby in our bathroom more than once.  And when I work, he'll shut the door so it's just him and I in the room.     ?!?!?!      Because that makes sense?  I haven't been able to get a video of him completely shutting the door, but I've almost caught him.  Once he realizes we're watching, he'll stop.  Observe:


Don't mind my total morning, man voice.  

Isn't that bizarre?  After a while he went back over and backed it up like a Tonka truck and shut the door with his butt.  And just in case you don't believe me that he's done it more than once, here's another one:

He didn't finish this one because Toby heard him, and he's a pansy.

So. Freakin'. Weird.  Anyways, here's some more random pictures, because why the heck not?






I have absolutely no clue what was happening in this picture, or why Bob was straddling Toby.

7.

You may or may not know that I work in Social Media for my job.  We literally provide customer service via Twitter and Facebook - it's pretty awesome.  However they've recently created a new "pilot" team for something completely different - and I had the opportunity to temporarily switch teams.  Normally I'm not sure that I'd ever even want to switch teams, because I really love what I do - but with this new opportunity, I'd be able to have allllll of the weekend off.  This means not working Sunday, and actually being able to go to church with my husband.  Which is kind of a big deal to me, as I haven't actually been to all three blocks of church in well over a year.  So for the next 90 days I'll finally have weekends off, which will be so awesome.  (Plus the new team is a pretty good group of people, so that'll be fun too!)


8.
In May, we're going to Puerta Plata in the Dominican Republic!  I'm pretty excited.  Back in November we found a really good deal on an all-inclusive resort.  ($24 per person, per night - yes, please!)  Plus, we'll get to fly there for free, soooo, kind of hard to say no to that one.  I've heard that people have really hated it, but there seems to be even more people who have really loved it.  I figure if you go in with a good attitude, and just be grateful you're in a beautiful place - who the heck cares if the food isn't amazing, or if there's an ant in your bathroom?  Who goes to the DR for the food anyways?  If anyone has ever been there, I'd love to hear your thoughts!  




Okay, I could probably make this 10 bullet points longer.  But for everyone's sake, I'm just going to go ahead and call that good.  It's mostly for my sake though.  I'm freakin' tired.  And I haven't brushed my teeth yet today.  You may or may not notice it's almost midnight.


Yeah.  Yikes.



Have a splendid weekend, Internet!

1 comment:

  1. Laying in bed reading this. Travis trying to sleep with me bothering him. Seriously why is he so paranoid about having his butt crack touched... Anyways. Reading this post and laughing and twitching soooooo muchhhhh! Shawn's hole! And sweezing your peaches together! Just everything!! Hahaha seriously you are amazing. And all the animal stories. I'm in love with you. Will be praying for that ivf.

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