Sunday, June 2, 2013

All The Cool Kids Blog on Saturday Nights

So, uh...

Hi, world.

This is probably the 5th time I've sat down in the last few weeks to try and actually start and finish a blog post.  My problem is that I feel like I have 800 bazillion things* that I have to blog about.  And if I don't blog about all the things, I won't remember a daaaang thing by the time I'm a saggy, senile 90-year old.  So, you know, when our kids ask what life was like before they came around, I can just send them to my blog and they can read all about my buttcrack waxes, and how dad and I used to kick holes in the walls, and how we spent a small fortune trying to get their asses down here.  You're welcome, future (stubborn) children. 

Anyways.  When I sit down and start writing about all the things, my A.D.D. flareups reach epic proportions.  I don't think I could accurately describe just how long I spend writing posts.  So by the time I get half way through some of them, they're already 1700 pages long, and I don't even want to read 'em.  Soooo, I stop.  

See?  32 drafts.  Physical evidence that I should probably take a giant dose of Adderall before I sit down to write a post.  Granted, that's also 257 glorious times that I actually have managed to start and finish a post.


I started a post a couple days ago, and got about 4 big ol' bullets in before I decided that I was bored, and it was going to take people 29 hours to read.  So today I started over, and this one is going to be my life in the last month-ish, abridged bullet style.  Like, super abridged.  Trust me.  (And for all the lazy farts who know that my definition of 'super abridged' still means a long arse post, read the bold.  You're welcome.)

1.  Candy Crush.  Is there any other game that comes with so much self-loathing and feeling stabby?  I literally just played the same level at least 30 times in a row, and still can't beat it.  And yes.  I literally played it 30 times in a row, because I literally learned how to get infinite lives without waiting for the longest half hour of my life.  Because that's how lame I am.  Swear word.

2.  We went to Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic a few weeks ago and did some pretty awesome stuff. As soon as I get some of our pictures back, I'll do a separate post on that one.  But it was fun.  And humid as hell.  

3.  So, turns out I have Asthma.  Surprise!  Not.  I've always kind of figured I had it, and I think having Toby and Bob's butt ton of fur spread from hell to breakfast all over our house hasn't really helped much... especially when I exercise.  When I'd go running, I couldn't breathe.  And it wasn't the, you're-fat-and-out-of-shape breathing, it was the, you're-probably-going-to-die breathing.  And usually that was followed by several hours of coughing and wheezing that sounded like I'd been smoking since I was 7.  

So I went to an asthma/allergy doctor, and did the allergy test and the breathing test.  And turns out I'm allergic to just about everything on planet Earth.  Dogs.  Cats.  Horses.  All the weeds.  All the trees. All the molds.  All the grasses.  I think there was like, 2 trees I wasn't allergic to.  Oh, and cows.  I'm not allergic to cows.  Then he "officially" diagnosed me with Asthma, and prescribed me a heaven-filled inhaler.  Seriously.  It has made the biggest difference.  I actually kind of enjoy running now that I can actually breathe.  But only kind of.  God bless Albuterol.

4.  I got some random stomach bug and barfed for the first time in at least 10 years.  How's the for an impressive streak?  

5.  My little brother is coming home from his mission in 11 days, and I'm pretty stoked about it.

6.  I had to put the word verification back on my blog comments.  I know it's super obnoxious to have to guess what those words are before it'll let you leave a comment.  Buuuut, it is what it is.  I can't say I'll miss the 800 comment notifications I'd get daily in my email.  Those spammers were on a roll.  And boy, they sure had nice things to say.  Bitches loved my blog.

7.  The other day we were talking about that enormous earthquake that's supposed to happen in Utah at some point, and how it's supposed to kill a bunch of people - you know, typical morbid, natural disaster stuff.  And then we started talking about everywhere else, and how California is going to sink into the ocean someday..  And my grandpa mentioned something about Cancun being non-existent some day, and I responded with, "Then it'll be 'Can't-cun'."  Badum sssss.  And I'm fully aware that that probably isn't nearly as funny to you guys as it was to Shawn and I at the time, but if I don't write it down somewhere, I'll forget it.  And that one's a treasure that deserves to be remembered forever.  (Thanks for my awesome (and only kind of lame) pun skills, Dad!) 

8.  Speaking of things that only I find amusing.  The other day I tooted, and Shawn, absolutely horrified at the smell, was like, "That was not a healthy fart."  And I laughed for about 20 minutes afterwards.  It's totally not even that funny - or funny at all.  So, it was either really late and I was feeling loopy, or  I have the maturity level of a 10 year old when it comes to farts.  Or, you know, both.

9.  I don't think I ever blogged about our anniversary?  It was clear back at the beginning of April.  And I probably didn't blog about it, because I don't think we really did anything.  Except, you know, get naked.  But we've been married for 3 whole years.  Yeeee haw! 

10.  Still not pregnant.

11.  You know those car dealership mailers they send out that say you've won a prize?  Shawn and I love redeeming those.  Because we secretly hope that we'll win $20,000 bucks...  But mostly because complimentary stuff is the best.  Especially when you get it from a car salesman who's obviously irritated that you only came for the free stuff, and not a car.  Suck it, car salesmen.  In the last month Shawn and I have scored two movie tickets, a two-night stay at some random hotel, and a $5 WalMart gift card.  Worth it.

It's really killing me that I ended on an odd number.  Buuuuut, I'm tired.  And I worry that if I spend any more time on this post I'm going to:

 A) Get bored, and give up on this post completely. 
B) Fall asleep with my bra on.
C) Get cancer from my laptop.

Sooo, yeah.

Until next time, Internet.

*And by 800 bazillion, I meant 11.


  1. ha, really wish you would update on the daily. This is where I get my laughs!

  2. Pretty sure ADD runs in the fam. Thought to comment 3.4 times but got distracted by something shiny. 45 minutes later here I am, can't remember what I wanted to say, but hey, it's been fun ride! Also, you are amazing. And $5 Walmart Gift Card? That's like kissing your brother.

  3. You might want to go gluten free for your symptoms of ADD, asthma/allergy and fertility issues.