Thursday, October 24, 2013

7-11 Weeks: The Post I Considered Enabling the "Content Warning" For My Blog

I've never had so many people tell me that my blog made them cry as I did with my last post.  In fact, I don't think I've ever actually made anyone cry with my blog.  Vagina talk doesn't generally tend to elicit that kind of reaction, unless it's in a horrified, I can't believe she'd say that kind of way.  Nevertheless, I appreciate all your kind words and support - and apologize for the unsolicited tears.

So, to make up for the emotionally heavy post from last time, we're going to get back to good ol' times, starting out with a totally random gem that I found perusing through pregnancy forums.  I'll warn you now, that it has some salty language, and if you don't care to read people's (hilarious) opinions on post-coital clean up, maybe don't read it.  (Like, seriously.)  That said, there's over 1,000 comments to the original post, I didn't even get through all of them, and was laughing pretty hard.  I was in bed reading them, so it was one of those quietly convulsing hysterical laughs, where you try not to wake up your husband.  Anyways, if you need a good giggle and you never want to think of a "beaker" the same way again, click here.  You're welcome.

Those pregnancy forums are pretty hilarious.  I've come across some pretty absurd posts, and some pretty hysterical ones.  But we'll have to save the rest of those for a post of its own.  For now, we're going to do a little bit more catching up on our little nugget, because that's really why you're here, right?  Because I can't imagine it was because you'd knew I'd send you to a forum about penis beakers. Or maybe you did.  Because that's how I roll, yo.

Anyways, we left off last time with having our very first ultrasound where we saw just a hint of a flicker of our baby's heartbeat.  It was amazing, and I couldn't hardly wait until our next appointment, so I could see our teeny tiny baby again.  In the next week, I continued to get a little more nauseous every time I'd eat.  Even though it was kind of depressing to not be able to eat nearly as much as I was used to, it was nice to feel sick after I ate.  If I ever ate and didn't feel sick afterwards, I'd immediately panic and keep eating until I did feel sick.  Super healthy.

We finally got to go in for another ultrasound after waiting for five of the longest days of my life following our first one.  I was a ball of nerves, until our doctor turned on the speakers and we heard the most beautifully relieving noise in the history of ever.

Naturally there were tears at this ultrasound too, because seriously, how can you not bawl when you hear your blueberry-sized kid's heart beating?  So cool.   Doctor told us baby had a good heartbeat, and that everything was measuring perfectly.  Phew.  She printed off a few pictures for us to take home.  (Pictures that Bob would later knock off our table, and I'd find in Toby's mouth, because our animals are assholes.)

But seriously, cutest blueberry ever - right?

After we had that ultrasound, we finally felt comfortable enough to tell Shawn's family.  For the last several years, I had watched no less than 43290849302843920 YouTube videos of people announcing their pregnancies to their families and friends, and I had hoped to do the same thing - but recording how my family found out, would just have been... not cool.  I tried to come up with some fancypants, creative way of telling Shawn's family, to make up for how crappy our announcement was to my family - but we were so excited to tell them, that it really wasn't all that creative.  (We actually ended up having to tell most of his siblings separately, because it would have been impossible to get them altogether.)  But when we told his parents (mostly his mom, because his dad already knew we had done IVF - we just hadn't told him if it had worked yet or not) and his little sister, we told them we had taken a video that that was pretty cool and we wanted to show them.  That's when we pulled up the video I showed you above of the heartbeat - and it didn't take long for them to realize what it was.  I got a really crappy video of it (turns out I'm not good at stealth recording) - but if you can get past my obnoxious cackling, it's a pretty fun video of his mom's reaction.

This'll be the first grandchild on both sides of our families - so needless to say, everyone's pretty excited about it - and this kid is going to be spoiled.

I continued to feel nauseated, light-headed, and like I wanted to take 700 naps a day.  At one point I started feeling a pretty dull, constant ache down in baby central - and at first it didn't really freak me out too much, because I had read that cramping and dull aches are usually just your uterus stretching to make room for your tiny fetus.  This same dull ache had lasted about 3 or 4 days straight when I started to make myself nervous again.  Because that's what I do.  The ache had started pretty much immediately following a...  let's call it a night of romance.  Per our doctor's orders, nothing but the progesterone applicator was entering the batcave, buuut luckily we had some alternative options.  (And I realize that totally just sounded like a reference to the back door.  But no.  Just...  No.)  So after the 4th day of the dull ache, I was sure that our escapades the other day had crushed my tiny baby.  I called my nurse to make myself feel better, and I've never felt quite so mortified to ask a medical professional if the cramping/achiness could possibly be due to our "night of romance".  She told me not to worry, and that it was mostly likely normal pregnancy aches, but to keep an eye out for any symptoms of a urinary tract infection, just in case.  After I hung up, I was a little more relieved and the aches eventually went away and turned out to be nothing more than an embarrassing phone call to the fertility office and another reason that Shawn still wasn't getting any.

At around 8 weeks I learned that the "vivid dreams" women always talk about having during pregnancy, is totally a thing.  I was constantly having the most bizarre dreams.  Generally, I don't really remember my dreams, but every morning I could have woken up and written a novel.  Probably some pretty disturbing novels though, since all my dreams were full of death, destruction, and running away from bad guys.  Even though those dreams were pretty horrifying, I'd take them over the multitude of dead baby dreams I had when we were trying to get pregnant.  I've never woken up more depressed then when I've just had a dream my baby dying.  And it's occurring to me just how many dreams I have about dying.  Paranoid much, subconscious?

In my 8th week is also when Shawn, bless his heart, looked at my stomach at church and sweetly said, "Awe, love!  You can see a little bump!"  To which I tried responding as calmly as I could that it was not a baby bump, it was my perma-pooch.  You know, the one that has been there since always?  This was a lot of the reason that I didn't start taking "bump" pictures until I was 13 weeks along.  Because I knew that I could totally pass off my perma-pooch as a tiny baby bump, and I didn't want people commenting on my 8 week bump with surprise at how early I was showing.  My baby wasn't even an inch long yet - so you were going to see a taco bump before you saw a baby bump.

A few days before I was 9 weeks, I got to have another ultrasound.  (I seriously would have purchased an ultrasound machine, if they didn't cost 800 bazillion dollars.  Best. invention. ever.)  The baby's heart rate was a nice, healthy 167 - which apparently according to some old wive's tale, means it's a girl.  It was amazing to see how much bigger and more baby-like he/she looked - even though baby was still obviously very small and looked like a tiny gummy bear.

This appointment was technically supposed to be my "graduation" from the fertility clinic, and from that point forward I'd go see an OB-GYN.  I was telling my fertility doctor that my first appointment with the OB wouldn't be for another 4 weeks, and that it was going to pretty much kill me to have to wait that long for another ultrasound - especially at the rate I had been going up until that point.  Because my doctor is awesome, she told me to come in for another ultrasound at 11 weeks, so I could check up on baby with her one last time.  No complaints there - especially now that my insurance was actually covering the ultrasounds.

After this ultrasound, is when I officially decided to rent a doppler.  After being so relieved after every ultrasound, I knew that if I could just hear that heartbeat at my own leisure, I could unravel my panties from the tight wad they had been in for my entire pregnancy so far.  My doctor told me they were perfectly safe, but the only thing she warned was that not everyone can always find the heartbeat - and that can cause some extra stress.  So, understandably, Shawn was worried that I wouldn't be able to find the heartbeat, and that I'd have another freak meltdown.  Not letting that deter me, I immediately went home and ordered one online that would arrive in "2-5 business days".  Wee! 

In the meantime, I got sucked down into that creepy place in YouTube that you never want to be.  I started out by watching National Geographic's documentary, "In The Womb" - which was, of course, fascinating.  But then I started clicking on the "Related Videos" section off to the side... And turns out that's where all the women who record themselves giving birth in their living room live.  Now, I have nothing against women who choose to do home births - it's just something I've never even considered for a second.  Hell, I've never even considered not getting an epidural for a second.  I'm a pansy, and I have no problem admitting that if I ever had to give birth without drugs, I would literally die.

I do, however, question women who are perfectly comfortable posting videos of their giant, gaping, horrifying vaginas for all of YouTube to collectively gasp at.  And I get that birth is "beautiful", but can we just all agree that vaginas aren't?  Out of sheer curiosity, I clicked on a home birth video - and it was way too many minutes of this woman walking around her house buttass naked screaming like something that just came off some dark, deathmetal rock album.  It was terrifying.  But of course I made the mistake of continuing to watch.  And that's when she managed to bring her video to a whole new level of horrifying, when she started screaming, "THERE'S POO!  THERE'S POO! GET THE POO!"  And that's when her poor husband walked over and wiped. her. bare. ass. while she instructed him to "just hold that on [her] bumhole."  Meanwhile, her little daughter was running around naked just laughing throughout the entire video.

Guys, there's not one single GIF that accurately portrays my level of shock and horror.  I just, I can't.  There's no coming back from that.  The day Shawn ever wipes poop off my ass, is NEVER.  And to top it all off, the video just ended with her sobbing on the bed with NO BABY.  I didn't even get to see the birth I came there for.  Because I had clicked on that video, YouTube was like, "Hey, you must want to see all these other gaping wide-open vaginas too!"  Needless to say I took about 17 consecutive showers and I haven't watched a YouTube birth since.

After watching how obviously traumatic that poor woman's birth seemed, it made me even more confident that I want drugs.  All the drugs.  I was 10 pounds when I was born, and Shawn was a fatso toddler - so if I'm inevitably going to push a 15 pound child out my v-hole, I sure as heck don't want to feel any part of that.  Shudder.

Aaaaaaaaaaaanyways, I had been chomping at the bit for my doppler to come in the mail.  Every time I heard a truck drive by our house I'd book it to the window to see if it was the UPS man.  It didn't really help that my neighbors have been doing construction on their house, and would have 1,800 cement trucks drive by every hour.  A few days before I was 10 weeks, the doppler finally showed up.  And I couldn't wait to start trying to find the heartbeat.  I had watched about 800 videos of women showing you how to use the doppler, and where to look.  After I was finished working I immediately squirted a gob of gel on my stomach and went to town.  I knew what noise I was looking for, and I was hearing every other noise my body was making, except my baby's heartbeat.  (It's pretty crazy the kind of stuff you can hear down there.)

I tried not to stress about it too much, because I knew it was still a little early - and having a tipped/tilted uterus could make it a little more difficult to find the heartbeat this early.  I had read that when you're early, you need to look for the heartbeat really low, because the baby could be behind your pubic bone.  I'm pretty sure I looked about everywhere short of shoving the doppler up my damn vagina.  I wasn't hearing the heartbeat, and even though I knew that was normal, of course Shawn's whole hesitation with the doppler became a reality, and I started panicking.  To lighten the mood, Shawn suggested that I try listening for it on my butt, since my uterus was tilted and maybe I could hear it back there better.  Feeling defeated, I finally gave up and decided I'd try again in the morning - because I had read that some women had better luck in the mornings.

When I woke up, I immediately doused myself in doppler gel to try again, and in less than two minutes I heard the beautiful noise I had been trying so hard to find.  It was a perfect, fast little heartbeat.  I actually do have a recording of it, but it's just an audio file, and I can't figure out how to post it on Blogger.  So you're just going to have to trust me that it was a pretty great noise.

The day before I was 11 weeks, we went back to my fertility doctor to have our final ultrasound with her.  It was the first time I had shown up to an appointment feeling confident that everything would be okay, because I had been using my doppler to check in on my little one.  Best purchase of my life.  So, we recorded the baby's heartbeat again - because apparently we just can't get enough of that...

And the second Shawn stopped recording, the little stinker started moving around all over the place.  Soooo, of course we had to start recording again.  It was the coolest thing to see him/her moving all over the place.  It's ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

Clearly I was totally enamored by the movement.  I watched that video like 80 times a day.  Hooray for moving babies!  As I said before, this was our last appointment with our fertility doctor - we had finally "graduated" to the big girl doctor.  I gave my doctor a giant hug and thanked her from the bottom of my heart for helping to make this happen and for being so wonderful throughout the process.  She gave us another picture to take home with us, which was our infamous announcement picture.

 And I swear I never mean for my blog posts to be eternally long, buuut it happens just about every time.  So I'll go ahead and make that my stopping point - and I'll be back later with more good times!

Oh, and:


  1. LOVE the video of Shawn's mom! So cute and almost made me cry. SO happy for you guys. GAH. And that video of the baby moving! Holy Cow! What a wiggler! Love it! Sigh. :)

  2. Chelsea, my heart is just EXPLODING with happiness for you!! This couldn't be happening to a more deserving person. I'm just absolutely thrilled for you and Shawn.

  3. Oh, God, the POO VIDEOS. I did the same thing. They are so terrible. And yes, you will poo. Even if you don't eat anything for 2 days before you give birth. Luckily, I had an epidural, and never even knew it was happening. Not so luckily, I had to find out that I did it from my husband, who watched the whole thing and didn't tell me for 4 days. Men are terrible. And here I was proud I was the only person to avoid the poo while having a baby.

  4. Penis beaker = best thing I've read. Possibly ever. Soooo funny

  5. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm SO excited for you!!!!!!!! I was thinking of you today and decided to stop by. This news just makes my day. I'm so happy for you two! -Zany