Tuesday, November 19, 2013

A Public Love Letter to My Favorite Birthday Husband

So, today is Shawn's birthday - and he's been alive for 26 whole years.  Well, minus that one time that he died for a minute or two when he was younger - but that's a story for another day.  I've never been super good with birthdays or birthday gifts.  But I can manage to whip out one of the all-elusive, overdone, It's-my-husband's-Birthday-and-this-is-why-he's-better-than-your-husband posts.  And because I like to be as cheesy and embarrassing as possible - we're going with a public love letter for this one.

Dear Twinkle Butt,

I know you're probably really nervous right now.  You usually are when you haven't proof-read one of my blog posts before I publish it.  But I usually know that I haven't crossed too many lines when you continue to pester me about writing a book so I can make millions and be your sugar mama.  I just wanted to take a minute - or an entire completely unproductive morning - and publicly tell you why I love you more than pretty much anything.  (Naps and donuts included.)  I realize I didn't have to do it publicly, but I think we all know by now that that's kind of how I roll.  And bragging about you to the internet is fun.  So, there.  Ready?  And go.

-I love that you get disappointed when I paint my own toenails, because it means you don't get to.

-I love that we don't have to shut the bathroom door when we do our business, even though sometimes we really should.

-On a similar note, I love that you're so willing to hang out with me in the bathroom when I'm doing said business - especially the stinky kind.  Even though I may or may not think you're disgusting for it.  Who needs boundaries, right?

-I love how patient you are with me when I can't decide what sounds good to eat.  And that when I do decide that it's Chic-Fil-A for three days in a row, you don't ask questions.

-I love that you talk to our son through my belly, even though he can't hear a word you're saying yet.

-I love that you make me laugh by doing completely ridiculous things.

And I don't think there's any doubt how much I love that you'll willingly pose for pictures afterwards and let me post them for the world to see, much to their shock and possible horror.

-I love that you so willingly clean out our cat's litter box so our kid doesn't end up with three heads from cat crap poison.

-I love that you call me just to shoot the breeze - and when I don't answer, you leave me messages that I'll probably never delete.

-I love that you'll rub my back for an entire Sacrament Meeting.

-I love that you want to take "bump" pictures too.  And also, that you'll help me take said "bump" pictures.  Even if it takes an entire hour.  Or two.

-I love that you know how to cook.  And if you don't, you're a pretty good guesser.

-I love that you hide surprise bags of Flipz pretzels around the house to use to reward me for good behavior.  And by good behavior, you know I mean initiating some bowchickawowow.  Normal women might be offended.  I'm clearly not normal.  And, I love treats.  It's a win for everyone, really.

-I love that you talk to the TV during sports.  And Family Feud.  And pretty much any other gameshow.

-Related: I love that we watch the Gameshow Network.  We're a pretty badass pair of 80 year olds.

-I love that you kiss me and say bye every morning before you leave for work at the ass crack of dawn. Even though I'm usually dead to the world and won't remember it.

-I love that you'll let me eat all your french fries at restaurants if I didn't get any.

-I love that you tell everyone you love, that you love them.  Including our terrorist Corgi.

-I love that we can laugh during naked time.  Especially at your well-timed Dikembe Mutombo impression that made sex virtually impossible because I was laughing so hard I needed my inhaler.

-On a related note, I love you for not divorcing me for accidentally losing complete control of my bladder during said laugh/cough attack.  Especially since we were both buttass naked when it happened. And while I hauled serious toosh out of the bedroom, hysterically laughing and screaming that I can't believe I just peed on you - you just laughed and waited for me to calm the eff down.  What should have been the most mortifying moment of my entire adult life, wasn't.  Instead, you helped it become a hilarious story our kids will have to read about someday on my blog.  And I love you for it.  (And I'd apologize to our future kids, especially our first-born, but really, you only have yourself to blame, buddy.)

-I love that I just have to wave my feet in your face, and you'll rub them without question.

-I love that you always stop to help people who are stranded on the side of the road.  It might get you killed someday - but I love that you're so willing to help a stranger.

-I love that you'll pop my disgusting bacne.  Even though it hurts like a sonofabitch.

-I love that you work so hard to make our house and yard look good - including fixing and painting walls that were damaged during certain PMS/hanger rages.

-I love that you're a worthy priesthood holder, and can give me one (or 800) blessings whenever I ask.

-I love that you courtesy flush.

-I love that it's weird for us to call each other by our first names - because we call each other 'Love' instead.

-I love that you'll take me to get a donut at 11 o'clock at night, knowing full well that if I scarf down just one more donut, I'll probably give birth to a giant, delicious pastry.

-I love that you take me to the circus every year, so I can indulge my inner 7 year-old.

-I love that you'll randomly make me breakfast in bed.  Even if it's just because I threw a tantrum the night before about not getting enough for dinner.  Because apparently I'm 3 and my legs are painted on.

-I love that when I try to make you breakfast in bed, it usually turns into you showing me how to make hash browns to keep me from having a meltdown and burning down our kitchen.

-I love how hard you work at school and at your business.  And I love that you'll let me try to help with your accounting tests, even though it made you do totally worse.

-I love that you'll clean my horrifying hairballs out of the bathroom drains.

Well, and that you'll clean just about everything else in the house too.  While I take naps.  (And pictures.)

-I love that you'll explain football calls to me.  Even though you know perfectly well that I'll ask the same questions during the next game.

-How lovely are your braaancheeeeees.  (I realize the internet won't even kind of understand that - but you do, and that's all that matters.)

-I love that you'll go on churro runs for me.  Even though we both know the only runs that I should be taking are on a treadmill.

-Speaking of, I love that you're going to buy me a treadmill.  (Riiiiiight?)

-I love how much you love my pregnant belly.  Which is definitely a good thing, because it's probably not going anywhere anytime soon - even after our kid is born.

-I love our text conversations.  You know, when you actually respond.

-I love that you still blow dry your hands so they're warm enough to put down my shirt.

-I love that you hold my hand while you drive.

Love, I just love you.  And I feel like if I don't stop bulleting out the reasons why now, I never will - and things might start getting more inappropriate than they already have.  I could come up with reasons why I love you all day long.  (And I'm starting to realize a lot of them have to do with food.  So seriously.  Treadmill.)  You're amazing.  I think my favorite part about you right now is the tiny human growing inside me.  I love you for giving me a son.  And I can only hope he takes mostly after you.  I hope he gets your big heart, your calm soul, your patience and of course, your juicy black-man lips.  I've always known what an amazing father you'll be - and I can't wait to see you with our baby.  I'm literally in tears right now just thinking about it.  (Well, that, and I just watched your birth video - which kills me every time.)  I'm so blessed to have you in my life.  And I thank God every day that you were born 26 years ago and that I get to spend the rest of my life with such an amazing man.  I sure do love you - and I'm sure the internet is suffocating from cheese saturation by this point - but I just don't even care.  You're awesome, and being married to you is the best part of my life.  I hope you have a fantastic birthday today - even if the only defining moments are attempted breakfast in bed and some birthday nookie.  I love youuuuu!


Your Favorite Wife