Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Adventures in Postpartum Land

Well, it's been another month - so it would seem it's time for another blog post, eh?  So, if you've ever wondered just how blissful postpartum life can be.  Read on, my friends.  Well, unless you don't want to read about bloody baby makers and postpartum bathroom trips.  In that case, just don't.


That said, I present to you: 

Things I've learned will happen after you've pushed a tiny human out your even tinier love tunnel.


1.  There is so much blood.

So. Much.  Nothing is quite as horrifying as feeling like all of your insides are going to fall right out of your vagina every time you stand up.  No amount of mental preparation can really prepare you for the amount of gore your crotch will produce.  And as if the pieces of your uterus free falling out your love hole wasn't already appalling enough, apparently you need extra help.  Nurses will come into your room and give your belly a nice little "postpartum massage".  Gushing of the vaginal variety will ensue.  It's quite possibly the worst "massage" you'll ever get. 


2.  Bladder control?  Gone.  Vanished.  Done-zo.

I've never had all that great bladder control to begin with.  I've peed my pants way more than any normal adult should.  I'm talking like, pre-pregnancy here.  Although, as I've mentioned before, pregnancy didn't help my situation at. all.  Anyways, I had always heard about child birth extinguishing any ounce of bladder control you might have, but figured it couldn't get much worse than it already was.  And guys, I was wrong.  So, so wrong.  I can't even begin to tell you how many times I went to the bathroom, and was already peeing before I even had my pants down.  I'm not even talking a few drops either.  Full on stream of urine, people.  No amount of clenching, will power, or praying all the way to the bathroom was going to stop it from happening.  And with every drop of pee that didn't get into the toilet went a little shred of whatever dignity I had left.

And, you know, speaking of peeing...


3. You will be in the bathroom forever.

Seriously.  If you've given birth recently, you can just go ahead and prepare yourself to be in the bathroom all the live long day.  Going to the bathroom was such a giant, literal pain in the crack.  I would try holding my pee as long as I could just to avoid the huge process that it entailed.  ('Try' being the operative word.  See above.)  For the first few-ish weeks of postpartum bliss, you can expect your trips to the bathroom to be similar to the following: 

Step 1: You can't use toilet paper, so you have to get your fancy cooter-cleaning water bottle and fill it with water.  Make sure you check the temperature of the water, because accidentally squirting your raw, gaping wide open vagina with scorching hot, boiled-in-Hell, water is not an experience I'd recommend.  

Tip: If you're already sitting on the toilet and have forgotten about the water bottle, which you will, scream to your husband.  He'll fill it up for you.  (Note: This is where you really want to check the water temperature.  Trust no one.)

Step 2: Get the rest of your supplies.  Including, but not limited to your Tucks pads, vagina numbing spray, ice, big ass diaper, and a pair of giant, sexy mesh underwear.


Yep.  That's real life, folks.  Except your stomach won't look nearly that good.

Tip: Unless you want to be in a constant state of feeling like Hulk's giant, freezing cold hand is trying to force it's way into your sewn up vagina, don't put the ice chips in a rubber glove.

Step 3:  Try to make it to the toilet without completely wetting yourself.  You'll probably fail, and that's okay.  

Step 4: Try not to die when you pull your pants down and see just how much blood is there.  Because it really is miraculous that anyone can lose that much blood and not die.   

Step 5: Do your thing.  You know, if there's anything left.

Step 6: While you sit on the toilet, start preparing your underwear cocktail - placing the Tucks pads ever so carefully so that they don't get sucked into your giant V-hole, never to be seen again.

Step 7:  Grab your spray bottle, and clean all the garbage away.  It will keep coming, so keep squirting.

Tip:  When you look down there to see if you're all clean, your vagina will look like it's been turned completely inside out.  It's pretty much the ugliest, most horrifying thing ever.  It will get better, I promise.

Step 8: Try to stand up while balancing your concoction of crotch numbing supplies on your huge mesh underwear.  

Step 9:  Clean up the murder scene you left behind.  Or let your husband do it, if he's awesome like my husband and will.


4. Your first postpartum poop will be absolutely terrifying.

When you're pushing a baby out your business, they tell you to push like you're pooping.  And it's clearly no secret that the whole birthing experience leaves your entire lady garden just a little bit traumatized.  So no one can really blame you when you have a major PTSD flare-up as you're about to take your first postpartum dump.  I don't care how many stool softeners you've taken.  That shit is scary.  We were about to leave the hospital, and I was taking my sweet time in the bathroom when all of a sudden my body was like, "IT'S TIME."  I immediately grabbed the handicap bar next to the toilet to brace myself for the agony that I was certain would ensue.  And without going too overboard with the details, let's just say that I'm proud to report that it wasn't nearly as traumatizing as I thought it was going to be.  

Tip:  Stool softeners.  Take them.  Religiously.  Do it.


5. Sneezing isn't much fun either.

You thought pooping was scary?  Just you wait until you ramp up for your first big postpartum sneeze.  There's nothing quite like that snotty explosion to make you feel like your crotch stitches are going to burst out in a raging blaze of glory.  It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Ripped a new one".  Pardon the mental image(s).  But seriously.


6. You will learn just how much your husband loves you.

Like when you do finally poop, and don't know if you actually cleaned it all off afterwards, because you're too scared to actually wipe with vigor like you used to, because... second degree tear.  And the chatchie squirt bottle can only do so much.  So, what do you do?  Call to your husband to look and make sure you're not going to have shit crusted to your butt for the rest of the day.  It will be so many levels of horrifying.  So. many. levels.  But he'll do it, because you just had his baby, dammit.  And he loves you.


7. Antibiotics are gross.

If you get an infection, like I did, they'll pump you full of antibiotics.  When you wake up in the morning, your mouth is going to taste like armpits.  It's not pleasant, to say the least.


8. You will have the mother of all meltdowns when you leave the hospital.

If you're anything like me, that is.  All your hormones will gang up on you all at once.  You will feel all the feels and bawl the whole way home.  It will be because you're happy.  You're scared.  You're tired, so tired.  You're worried.  You're excited.  You're exhausted.  You're grateful.  Pile that all on top of being paranoid that you'll get in some freak car accident on the way home.  Because now you're a mom, and that's what you worry about.


9. You'll still look pregnant for the next few weeks.

Pregnancy and birth leaves you with some serious pooch-age.  It will probably be pretty unnerving to see just how stretchy and jiggly your stomach is.  You'll probably have a few meltdowns about it.  But you grew a baby in there for 9 months, so it's okay.  That's what sweats are for.  Plus, people will tell you you look great for just having a baby, even if you totally don't.


10. When your milk comes in, you'll have porn star boobs.

It will hurt like a mother, but your husband will sure enjoy it.  Men.


11. Sometimes your nipples will go rogue and you'll jet stream your kid right in the face with milk.


It's okay, he'll forgive you.  Even if you stop to take a picture.


12. You'll never feel like more of a cow than when you use a breast pump.

The first time I used one was when we were at Primary Children's Hospital with Eli for his jaundice.  He was 4 days old, and that's when my milk decided to really come in.  The lactation consultant noticed, because, how could she not when my enormous knockers practically had their own orbit.  She told me that she'd bring in a pump so I could relieve myself.  Thank goodness.  She came in and had me place two funnels against my boobs and flipped a switch and I started laughing so. hard.  Not because it tickled (by any stretch of the imagination), but it was just the most freaking ridiculous looking thing ever.  I'm sure the fact that I was running on little to no sleep probably was making it seem a lot more amusing than it really was.  But watching that machine suck the shi out of my nipples was hilarious.  I looked at the lactation consultant and not even trying to stifle my laughter said, "Is this real life?"  We were all laughing pretty hard.  The things we do.  


13. Discreetly breastfeeding in public is not easy.

At least for me, it isn't.  You get so used to just whipping out a boob at home, that when you're sitting in a living room with your entire family, trying to whip it out and get your kid attached without flashing your grandparents is kind of a giant pain in the ass.  Especially when your kid starts screaming because he doesn't understand why the hell he's in a hot, dark tent being squirted in the face by your crazy ass nipples.


14.  Your hospital bills will be nauseating.

Several weeks after you give birth, all the hospital bills will start rolling in.  It's not even kind of fun.  And it won't be one big giant bill.  It will be 800 million separate bills that you get randomly for the next month or so.  And just when you think you've paid everything off, you'll get a bill from the hospital pediatrician that you talked to for maybe 10 seconds.

Tip:  If you don't want to feel stabby, don't even bother looking at the itemized list of what the hospital charged you.  Unless you think paying 5 bucks for one pill of Ibuprofen isn't completely ludicrous.


15. It'll be damn near impossible to get anywhere on time.

Especially if you were always chronically late before.  Now you have to make sure your kid is fed, changed, and dressed on top of getting yourself ready.  Then you have to make sure you have every supply you could ever possibly need in the diaper bag.  And right when you're about to leave, your kid will take the most massive, juicy dump in the history of ever, so you have to change him before you leave.  And while you're changing him, he'll manage to pee in his own face and all over you - and then he'll projectile poop again.  By this point you just give up going wherever you were planning to go, because it really just isn't worth it anymore.


16. There will be days where you feel like you accomplish absolutely nothing.

Your husband will come home from work and ask, "What'd you do today?"  Answering with, "Kept your kid alive" is a perfectly legitimate response.


17. "Sleeping when the baby sleeps" is B.S.

Because if you're sleeping when the baby sleeps, when are you supposed to do the 800 loads of laundry that need to be done?  Or shower?  Or clean your house?  Or any number of bazillion things on your to-do list?  You can just go ahead and plan on not sleeping again.  Ever.

And speaking of laundry...


18. You will always have laundry to do.  Always.

How three people can produce so many dirty clothes is beyond me.  I currently have three loads sitting on our bed waiting to be put away.  With a 4th load that I'll have to run through the wash for the 3rd time, because I keep "forgetting" to put it in the dryer.  


19. Postpartum boinking is not glamorous.

I realize that ending the "6 week draught" can be drastically different for everyone.  Let's just say our first attempt at a postpartum romp was an epic failure on so many levels.

Tip:  You do not want sperm in your eye.  Ever.  Also?  If you're nursing, keep your bra ON.  


20. Every time you see your man napping with your kid, your heart will melt.


Amiright?


21. You will take 700 thousand million pictures & most of them will look the same.

You'll hover over your kid with your phone for hours to try and capture all the adorable faces he makes.  Then your camera roll will look something similar to this:


22. You'll feel more love than you ever thought was possible.

I know everyone always says this after they have a kid.  That they didn't know they were capable of loving someone so much.  But as cliché as it is, it's completely true.  It's a pretty ridiculous amount of love.  Even when your kid poops on you.  And pees on you.  And barfs on you.  And constantly kicks you in the boobs.  And refuses to go to sleep before 2 in the morning.  You'll love that chubby little stinker more than you could ever imagine.  You'll live for his snuggles, his smiles, and his sleepy giggles.  And although parenthood is completely exhausting, it's so fulfilling and worth it on so many different levels.  So worth it.