Monday, December 7, 2015

Pregnancy Stuff & Things

So, I know it's been forever since I've actually blogged, and not just photo dumped.  It's certainly not for a lack of trying.  It's just an overall general lack of motivation and energy to actually finish a post.  I have drafts fo' days, yo.  Admittedly, this particular draft has been sitting in my box for a few weeks.  It'll likely take me a few more weeks to even finish it - you know, between catering to all of Eli's rampant wants and needs before he flies off the handle, keeping trying to keep the house clean, runnings errands, and sitting on my arse, doing absolutely nothing.

Anyways, I figure I should probably write down some pregnancy things - and what's this blog, if not for oversharing tales of being knocked up.  You know how people will joke about how women have to repress memories of certain pregnancy symptoms, otherwise they'd never want to do it again?  Or maybe that's not a thing.  Whatever.  In any case, I feel like there's several things about my last pregnancy that I must have repressed, because it wasn't until they happened again with this pregnancy that I was like, "Oh yeah.  This is a thing."  Some of them are things I figured would obviously happen, but they somehow have seemed so much worse this time around.  Curious what those things are?  Read on, my friends.  (Spoiler Alert: There will be 'gina talk at some point.  Because, hello.  Haters, proceed with caution.)


1. Fatigue



I remember being pretty tired when I was pregnant with Eli.  I do not remember being so blasted tired that I couldn't pick myself off the floor.  During the first trimester, I would literally just lay on the floor while Eli played around me.  Chores would go undone for weeks.  Any ounce of energy to do anything but nap had been completely zapped from my system.  The progesterone shots I was on for the first trimester likely didn't help the situation at all.  But, in any event, it was pretty dang brutal.  A short time after I had entered the second trimester, I got the most magical burst of energy and felt like a brand new person.  Chores got (mostly) done.  Eli had a mom that actually interacted with him, instead of being a giant, lifeless jungle gym to crawl all over.  I even showered a few times.  It was truly glorious.  Since then, I've had multiple waves of fatigue that come and go.  These days, the tiredness is likely from my poor, out of shape body, having to haul around my enormous, out of shape ass around.  Just kidding.  I'm totally in shape.  And that shape is round.


2.  Heartburn & Acid Reflux


The first time I ever experienced heartburn or acid reflux was when I was pregnant with Eli.  Waking up because you're choking on your own stomach acid is certainly a whole new fresh hell - and this pregnancy has been no different in that aspect.  Before about 5 seconds ago, I would've sworn that my heartburn started way earlier with this pregnancy than it did with Eli.  But as I've looked back, it looks like it started pretty much around the same time.  

I started out with my huge, Costco-sized drum of Tums and those quickly became about as effective as swallowing pieces of chalk.  (And then there was the one time I came upstairs to find Eli sitting in an enormous pile of Tums, because those lids are so not child-proof.  Mom points.  Thus making, "Will Tums kill my kid" a permanent part of my ridiculous Google search history.  Hint: They don't.)  I finally started taking Zantac again, which helped a lot more than just Tums.  I was, and occasionally still am, having to fall asleep sitting straight up though, otherwise I'd wake up choking on stuff creeping back up my esophagus.  At one point, I consulted with Dr. Google about foods to avoid to help ease heartburn.  Want to know what it said?  "Foods to Avoid: EVERYTHING YOU EFFING LOVE."  True story.  

A few weeks ago I finally asked my doctor if there was any other drug that was a little more powerful than Zantac, because even that wasn't quite cutting it this time around.  They had me try Prilosec, and I wish I would have learned about that majestic medicine a lot sooner.  It's like Zantac on steroids.  Three cheers for drugs!  I'll still occasionally get garbage floating back up my throat, but I would imagine that's more due to my blatant disregard for which foods I should avoid.  Although, there truly are times where simply a glass of water causes a flare up.  So, eh.  And while I'm aware the old wives' tale that heartburn = a head full of hair is just that, an old wives' tale - I can't help but hope the fact that my heartburn has seemed so much worse this time around, that baby girl will have some hair.  At the very least, good hair like her brother.


3. Bending Over

Yeah, I'm not even going to try Googling "Bending Over GIF".  

While bending over isn't actually a symptom of pregnancy, per se - it's something I don't feel like I did nearly as much of when I was pregnant with Eli.  And now I'll explain why that shouldn't sound nearly as awkward as it does: When I was pregnant the first time, I didn't have to pick up after a small human tornado-ing every toy he owns from hell to breakfast all day, every day.  Not to mention having to bend over to pick up said "small" human.  Obviously it wasn't a huge deal when I didn't have much of a baby bump.  But, at 34+ weeks, there's definitely a bump there - and it most definitely gets in the way.  Any more, I have to squat to pick things up, which is fine and all, except that because I'm so in shape, my body is like, "Um, lady, why are we doing squats?"  Not to mention that when I squat, I feel like my crotch is gaping wide open and the baby is just going to fall out.  (As if childbirth could ever be that simple.)   And because bending over isn't enough of a hassle, it also makes my heartburn even worse.  Nothing like a little encouragement from our good friend gravity to send all the stomach acid chunks hurling upwards.  Sometimes I feel like a lazy idiot when I ask Shawn to pick stuff up for me.  Then there's days, like the other day, when I go to the store, and Eli manages to grab something off a shelf and lob it clear down to the end of the aisle and another woman offers to pick it up for me, because she knows.  Then I feel understood and just a tiny bit less ridiculous.


4. Sex

Pregnancy be like:

Yeah, you knew I'd go there.  Fortunately for all, I won't be super detailed.  But I certainly don't remember intimate times being quite so uncomfortable and awkward when I was pregnant with Eli.  Sure, it was obviously a little bit more... challenging - but not impossible.  The heartburn and baby bump have been the biggest culprits this time around.  Nothing kills the mood quite as fast as feeling like you're about to puke stomach acid all over the place.  A few weeks ago Shawn and I were determined to get it on.  After taking a significant amount of time to try and make things comfortable and then completely failing in a major way, Shawn just looked at me and said, "You know, I'm good.  You good?"  I agreed that I was good.  We high-fived, laughed, and figured we'd have better luck next time.  And we did.  Mostly.


5. Drooling



I don't know what on Earth it is, but I drool insane amounts when I'm napping and pregnant.  I usually wake up on a saliva-soaked pillow.  (And then, apparently, I sometimes take pictures of my pool of drool.)  But, seriously.  It doesn't happen at night.  Just when I'm napping.  It happened with Eli as well - just one of those things I forgot even happened.  (In semi, but mostly un-related news: Pictured above is my Snoogle and 900 other pillows I sleep with.  But Snoogles, while totally a ridiculous amount of money - are so worth it.  If you're pregnant and don't have one, Google it and get one.)


6. Dreams


So, I think it's pretty common knowledge that "vivid dreams" are a pregnancy thing.  And that is no joke.  It was definitely a thing with Eli.  But it never occurs to me just how vivid the dreams get until I'm growing a person.  And they're always either so random and weird.  Or way too realistic.  Unfortunately, I've never been one to remember my dreams very well (unless it's the morning after), which means this particular paragraph won't be nearly as entertaining as it probably could be.  But one dream in particular that I remember having is that I was on The Bachelor, and I was getting ready to leave the show, because the Bachelor was a moron and I was bored.  (Not to mention, I'm pretty sure I knew I was married in the dream.)  Anyways, "Rose Ceremony" time came along - and I was full on prepared to reject the rose, when the roses suddenly turned into donuts.  The Bachelor called my name and said, "Chelsea, do you accept this donut?"  And I wanted a donut SO BAD in my dream, so I stayed.  The end.  Pregnancy is so bizarre.  (Also, donuts.  NOOOOOOM.)


7. Swelling


Now, I hesitate to say this, because I don't particularly want to jinx myself.  But, so far, I haven't swollen nearly as bad as I did with Eli.  That said, my swelling with him started to get pretty bad around 34 weeks, and that's where I'm at now - so, we'll see what happens in the next several weeks.  I did try to zip up my hooker boots a few weeks ago, and they wouldn't zip up all the way - which was my first sign with Eli that the swelling was coming.  But, my feet still look mostly normal - so now I don't know if my legs are swollen, or I'm just fat.  *Whimper*  One thing that is swelling that I really don't remember being happening with Eli is my freaking VAGINA.  It's just a puffy, hot damn mess down there.  Like, Macy's Day Parade status.  I'm constantly worried that it's just going to morph into perm-crotch puff.  And one of my worst nightmares of getting fat is having to sport the crotch tire.  No one wants that.  No one.  The good news now is that my belly is big enough that I can't even see down there anymore.  So, it's almost like it's not there.  Almost.


8. Charlie Horses


I have never had a charlie horse in my calf until I got pregnant.  I had them with Eli, and it's definitely a symptom I did my best to forget about, because those things hurt like a B.  The other night I stretched in the middle of the night, and I instantly knew I had gone too far and started yelling, "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!" Because I knew what was about to happen.  Sure enough, my leg started cramping and I was sure I was going to die from the pain.  (You might recall just how terrible my pain tolerance is.  As in, I don't have any.  I don't tolerate pain.  At all.)  Shawn wakes up from a dead sleep, totally panicked, asking me if I'm having a baby because of all the groaning and shrieks of death pain.  I tell him my leg is about to fall off, and knowing what's actually happening, he tells me to try massaging my leg, so, I did.  Which was the worst idea ever.  Because then I got two more charlie horses on top of one another.  I was screaming at Shawn for trying to kill me with his terrible massage suggestions.  Crying because it hurt so effing much.  Thrashing around in the bed because I couldn't even handle it.  I'm a baby, I know.  But shi got real that night.  A couple days later, Shawn and I were sitting there, and he had a brief wince of barely-there pain and just goes, "Oof."  I'm like, "What?"  And he was like, "Oh, just a leg cramp."  And I was like:




9. Weight Gain


Okay, so I get that when you're pregnant you gain weight.  You're growing a person.  It's a thing.  And it's okay.  But nothing really seems to quite prepare me for just how high those numbers are going to go.  I always tell myself that I'm just not going to look at the scale when I go in for doctor appointments.  Yet somehow I always manage to look down at the numbers.  And I always find myself wanting to scream, "WHY AREN'T THE NUMBERS STOPPING?  THEY'RE STILL GOING?  WHY?!"  Then I start mentally adding up how much all my clothes weigh.  Because surely I couldn't weigh that much.  (And seriously, who's the genius that decided it was a good idea to take a pregnant woman's blood pressure AFTER she steps on the scale?)  One week my doctor said to me, "Now, I'm not concerned about your weight, it's fine - but let's try and stabilize it."  And of course all I heard was, "Whoa, let's take it easy there, tubby."  Yeah, okay.  Let me just go ahead and stabilize my weight through Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  She went on, "Stay away from sugar and too many carbs.  Eat lots of protein.  Just eat like you'd normally eat if you weren't pregnant."  All good advice, except for the the whole, "eat like you'd normally eat if you weren't pregnant".  If only she knew.  Also, as fate would have it, all the "snacks" that are supposedly good protein-filled snacks, I hate.  So, that's fun.

Recently, I've felt extra huge.  And not even in the cute, pregnant way.  But in the huge, beached whale way.  And I don't say that to get the pitied, "AW, YOU LOOK GREAT" comments.  Because you can tell me that until the cows come home, but it still isn't going to stop the inevitable multitude of meltdowns that happen in my closet because all 87 outfits I've tried on look terrible.  Speaking of meltdowns... 

10. Hormones



Ah, hormones.  The undying reality of pregnancy.  And womanhood, really.  But pregnancy puts those hormones on steroids and, if you're me, you become a crazy, irritable basket case.  One thing that I know is different from my first pregnancy, is that I'm a lot more hot-tempered with this one.  Unfortunately for everyone living in my house, I lose my cool waaaaay more than I ever did the first time around.  And it's usually over completely ridiculous things.  Like clothes not fitting.  Or the dog sitting in the wrong place.  Or Shawn waking me up in the middle of the night because I'm snoring.   Or not knowing what I want for dinner.  A lot of times, the anger will eventually morph into a complete snot and tears meltdown.  A lot of the time it's because I feel so guilty for losing my temper with Eli, and feeling like the worst mom on the planet.  And then I start second-guessing how I'm ever going to have the mental capacity and patience to raise two small people.  And it just spirals from there.  Fortunately, I'm usually able to snap out of it - whether that's with a sandwich, a nap, or my husband, bless his heart, talking me off the ledge. 


All in all, this pregnancy has been good to me.  I'm extremely grateful to have the chance to be pregnant again (and with what I can only assume will be the most adorable girl ever.)  There are many women who have had it a lot harder than I have, so I feel like I can't complain too much.  Especially when this may or may not be the last time I'm able to be pregnant.  It's definitely a whole new experience to be pregnant when you already have a kid, which is maybe why things have seemed so much more intense this time around.  I just hope Eli isn't too disappointed when he realizes I haven't just been hiding a ball under my shirt all this time.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Because Photo Dumps Are Easier Than Actual Posts

More Facebook/Instagram rejects for your viewing pleasure.  WEE!



Eli and Toby love watching Shawn mow the lawn. It's usually followed by Eli screaming "DAD! SIDE! DAD! SIDE! SIDE! SIDE!" ("Side" = Inside/Outside, depending on where he is.)  And sometimes a total diva tantrum because I won't always take him outside, because I'm a monster.    
'
One day I was working and Shawn, out of nowhere, gave me a back massage and then crawled underneath my desk and massaged my feet.  I think I'll keep him.


My sister-in-law and I threw a bridal shower for my little sister who's getting married soon and we gave out flower pens as favors.  I think we all know how not crafty I am, so I was pretty proud of myself for making all of these - even though a monkey could make one.  Blindfolded.


So, if you're from Murray, you've probably seen this sign.  I'm not sure if it's just my highly irritable hormones flaring up, or what - but it really annoys me.  Is that really necessary for a pet salon?  How does Carmen Electra's ass crack have anything to do with giving your animal a bath?  Grumble.


As I've mentioned before, we have to sit in the hall pretty much every Sunday during church, because it's just easier to let Eli run around than trying to contain his crazy ass on a bench.  (Also, I'm fairly positive it's at least 10 degrees cooler in the hall.)  He'll just walk around saying "Hi" and "Bye" to everyone he sees.  He'll throw balls at other kids' faces.  He'll walk to the drinking fountain at least 27 times.  All in between eating snacks for days.  


Every time we go over to Shawn's parent's house, Eli immediately starts saying, "SIDE! SIDE! SIDE! SIDE!"  For those of you that are familiar with their backyard, you know it's pretty epic - especially for a 1 year old who loves balls and pools.  Even though he's totally not scared of grass/nature anymore (because that was a thing), the other day he was crawling around without letting his knees touch the grass, and it was pretty amusing to watch.

This kid loves raisins.  I had some on my desk and found him doing pretty much anything he could to get some out of the bag.  I suppose he could like worse things... Like that Captain Crunch/Lucky Charms hybrid cereal.  Oh, wait.







One day I told Shawn that it really grossed me out when our toothbrush heads touched when they were in the shower.  So, naturally, this is what I woke up to the next morning.  Marriage is fun.

This is my 20 week bumpie that I couldn't be bothered to post anywhere at the time because I hated (and still hate) the picture.  (Even though I totally had big plans to hashtag the picture #HalfNeigh - because I'm hilarious.)  After about 20 takes of the same stupid picture, I gave up and ate a fudgesicle instead.


These guys.  Seriously.  My favorite.


Once upon a time Toby was chewing on a stick, and Eli thought it would be cool to try and grab the stick while it was still in Toby's mouth, and so he accidentally got bitten.  (At least we think that's what happened, neither of us actually saw.  Parenting win.)  There was a pretty good gash on his finger - and usually Eli's pretty resilient and easy to distract if he gets hurt, but no amount of going on walks, chocolate, or shows was making him stop crying.  We couldn't tell if it was deep enough that it would need stitches or glue, or whatever - so we gave him some Tylenol and finally decided to take him to InstaCare, just to be safe.  Once the Tylenol kicked in, he was doing alright.  He'd keep looking at his finger and saying, "Ouch."

It turns out that it was "just a scratch" and Eli got the most expensive hand bath ever.  Sigh.  I'm sure the staff chuckled to themselves as we left about how we were first time parents.  But, in our defense, in his almost 18 months of life, that was the first time we've ever taken him to the doctor for anything aside from a well-check.  So I felt pretty alright about it.  Oh, and apparently Toby has a record now.  So, there's that.

So, Eli finally hit the height limit for his rear-facing carseat, and we decided to just go ahead and get him a front-facing one, and it's awesome.  He loves it.  Oh, and that hat?  How darling is that?  We got it at a shower before he was born, and it had been a box, and I remembered I had it - and was sure glad I did.

And now we can take CAR SELFIES.
We're going to Disneyworld soon, and as sad as it is (since I work for an airline and all), it'll be the first time Eli's ever been on a plane and I'm beyond paranoid that he's going to be a that kid for the whole flight.  You know, the demon child who screams/cries/won't shut up for the whole flight?  And it's a redeye flight, no less.  So, anyway, dude loves his shows - so we bought him some headphones that will hopefully make things a little smoother if he decides he's too cool to sleep on a plane.  Luckily, he thinks they're pretty neat.
He's getting braver with the pool and jumping in on his own.


Churchie.  This kid'll start nursery soon, and we're pretty excited about it.  Well, mostly Shawn, because he's usually the one that gets to watch him while I teach my Primary class.  He took him in the other day, just to test it out, and he did awesome.  Granted, Shawn stayed with him the whole time.. So, we'll see how it goes when we're not around.  He apparently kissed one of the girls while he was in there, so I'm sure he'll be just fine.


I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that we love redeeming those "YOU WON A PRIZE" mailers you get from dealerships once in a while.  If you read the odds of winning each prize in the small print, you can pretty much usually guess what you'll end up winning (and it's always something).  This time we walked away with Creamies and a $10 Target gift card for 5 minutes of our time.  I'd call that a win.  Also, aren't Shawn's lips amazing?


For a while we had like 3 gift cards to Coldstone, so we were constantly taking trips over there to get strawberry shakes, because they're delicious.  And somehow they taste even better when they're free.


The other day my mom asked me if I've been writing down the things that Eli's doing - and I totally haven't been, which is sad, because I know if I don't, I'll totally forget a lot of it.  He's learning so many new words, and it's so cute.  Currently, "Wa wa" is my favorite (waffle).  And teaching him animal noises is pretty amusing too.  The other day I was talking to Shawn and the phone and was talking about how I felt like a fat cow, and as soon as I had said it, Eli goes, "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  Hilarious.  Motherhood may not be glamorous, but it's sure awesome.  One of these days I'll write up a legit mommy post about all the adorable things my kid does that everyone can skim through and pretend to care about.


We went to the state fair again this year, and it was so much more fun with Eli being older.  He went on the merry-go-round with Shawn, and it was the most adorable thing ever to watch.  He was definitely a fan.


Eli was pretty intrigued by all the animals at the fair - especially the sheep.  (He cracked up at one in particular for like 5 minutes that sounded just like a grown man going, "MAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH".)   Anyways, when I saw this picture after we took it, I could not stop laughing.


Hahahahahaaha!


Another fair selfie.  Or us-ie?  Or fair-ie?  Whatever.
You know how you look at yourself in the mirror before you go somewhere, and you think, "Eh, that'll do"?  And then someone takes a picture of you and you somehow look a million times worse and 900 pounds heavier?  Yeah.  That.  I'm not sure why I ever thought horizontal stripes was a good idea.  Especially with my belly consistently measuring further ahead than I actually am.  (I'm talking like 3-5 weeks.  Con.sis.tent.ly.)  And especially because my belly doesn't tend to grow out in front of me - it grows to the sides.  And apparently takes my face with it.  Sigh.


So, sometimes when I need to call Shawn, I'll track his phone to see where he's at, so I don't bug him while he's still at a job site.  Some people think it's totally creepy - and maybe it is.  But, eh.  Anyways, I always give Shawn crap about going to "business lunches" after they finish a roof and then never bringing, or even offering, to bring me anything.  Which, again, is totally ridiculous - but it turns out that the pregnant version of myself gets pretty offended when you don't feed me.  And I get pretty passive aggressive about it.  Isn't Shawn lucky?


So, making fun of women on pregnancy forums is one my favorite things.  But some women just make it too easy.  She USED A TAMPON?  And COULDN'T FIND IT?   Normally I'd think she was just a troll and move on, but there was 20 pages of gold that totally had me convinced she was serious.

It was mostly people making fun of her, which made it even funner to read.  

At one point someone sarcastically suggested trying to use some tongs to get it out.  Apparently the sarcasm didn't translate all that well.  I was dying.  Troll or not, the mental images of a dude trying to fish a tampon out of some chick's crotch with tongs was pretty amusing  (with maybe a splash of horrifying).

Then there's the just annoyingly dumb people.  


And then there's all the women that complain about their boyfriends/husbands/partners cheating on them, telling them to get abortions, and just being pretty giant douche waffles in general.  "Not whilst your pregnant"?  Seriously?  I would have gone Lorena Bobbitt on his ass.  Or penis.  You know, whatever.  All the "My partner is an jerk" posts definitely make me appreciate Shawn a heck of a lot more.  (Not that I don't already, of course.  HI, HUSBAND!)

So, who caught that last BYU game?  You know, the one against UCLA where they lost by one point?  Well, Shawn did.  In related news, we need a new coffee table. 


So, I've mentioned we're going to Disneyworld soon, and I'm panicking a little bit about dying of heat while we're there.  I went to Target to try and find something to wear that I'd be comfortable in.  Ever since I started working from home (4.5 years ago), I haven't really done much clothes shopping.  Just a few trips to Ross here and there, nothing special.  So you can imagine my absolute delight when I show up at Target and see a whole section of "palazzo pants" that are apparently a in "style" now.  Apparently "palazzo pants" are pretty much glorified PJs.  Guys, PAJAMA PANTS ARE IN STYLE.  SO MUCH REJOICING.  And since my legs were definitely not made for leggings, it was pretty much my best day, and I bought 3 pairs while I'm there.  I came home and immediately put the pair on that I got for $6 bucks off the clearance rack and model them for Shawn - he's anything but impressed, and calls them "horrendous Aladdin pants".  I don't even care how stupid they are.  They're comfy, breezy, and apparently fashionable.  So, suck it.


Once upon a time, Shawn went to Arby's because, per usual, I was throwing a tantrum about dinner.  He came home 45 minutes later with a little diarrhea for everyone: sandwiches, curly fries, and mozzarella sticks.  I rip into the mozzarella sticks, because yum.  I bite into one, and there's NO CHEESE.  What?  So I try another one and get the same result.  Starting to feel a little lot stabby, I rip all of them open, to find that none of them have cheese.  Arby's sold us fried air.  This being after it took them 900 hours to take Shawn's order and get him the food because they had been flirting with girls instead.  Working in social media, I did what I do best, and I tweeted Arby's about how irritated I was.  (And really, what else is new?  I'm pretty much irritated at something at any given moment these days.  I blame all the estrogen coursing through my body.)  Anyways, fried air and my complaining skills magically poofed into this:  


Wiiiiiin!


Speaking of winning, I bought a pad of these for Shawn and I.  Being the first to apologize has never been my strongest point.  Shawn's always the first one to say sorry, because he's a good person, and I'm a stubborn ass.  But now, apologizing has never been more fun.  Marriage WIN.  (Related: Apparently I become a bear when I'm pregnant and sleeping.  So much snoring.  But that's why I bought Shawn a giant thing of ear plugs when I was pregnant LAST TIME.)



Aaaand Eli just took the world's most underwhelming nap ever and is screaming MOOOOOOOOM.  And I still have to shower.  And it's 5pm.  And I'm still wearing what I wore yesterday.  Which, you guessed it, are my AWESOME ALADDIN PANTS.  Anyways, until next time, yo.


Wednesday, August 12, 2015

There's No Such Thing As An Ordinary Cat

So, the other day I opened Timehop to see that it had been 7 years since I started this blog.  I thought to myself, "Hmm, I should screenshot this and write a celebratory post." So, naturally, I ate a popsicle and took a nap instead.  (And I thought I had a hard time keeping up my blog before I had a kid.)  

In the 7 whole years my blog has occupied this little slice of the internet, I've posted 274 times, saved 44 drafts (that will likely never see the light of day, ever), and I've supposedly earned $47.92 whole dollars.  To celebrate these completely unimpressive numbers and my remarkable flair for laziness - we're doing an iPhone dump from the last, oh, 6 or 7 months. So now you can see all our extremely riveting life moments that haven't made it to the internet.  Until now.  

Lucky you.  


Probably the most bizarre non-fortune I've received in my life.  Ever.



When Eli turned one, I ambitiously thought, "Hey, I'll take some cute pictures of him myself!" This was literally the only picture I got where he didn't look like he was bored out of his damn mind.  



I got the boys Jesus stuff (in addition to the usual crapload of candy) for Easter, and was pretty proud of myself for actually incorporating the reason for Easter in there.  Because seriously, where did the baskets and the Easter bunny come from?  A bunny that delivers hard-boiled eggs?  To celebrate Jesus?  What?  (And yes, I'm sure there's a perfectly weird explanation somewhere in Google land, but my search history is embarrassing enough.)



Sometimes when I'm bored, I traumatize my child with ape masks.



Our kid likes to hang out in our giant, empty tub.  Can't say I blame him.



HE'S HARRY THE BUNNY, HE LIKES TO BE FUNNY.  Why are pretty much all baby shows so effing insufferable?  Groan.



Eli likes to lock himself in our pantry, and one day (before he was very good at pulling himself up on stuff), we opened the door to find him pretty much hanging from the bottom shelf for dear life.  It's possible that it was one of those "you had to be there" moments - but it was pretty hilarious.



Proof that I shower sometimes.  Which, according to Shawn, "looks good on me."  Thanks for pointing that one out, husband.



Shawn's mom sent Eli home with a giant Olaf balloon.  And he was always watching.  Until he got stabbed for being way too creepy.



This is when I was about 5 seconds pregnant, and could not breathe to save. my. life.  I have no idea where it came from - but the inhaler I had for my asthma wasn't doing much of anything to help.  So, off to InstaCare I went, because I was pretty sure that I needed to be able to breathe to grow a baby.  I had to suck down this tube for what felt like 19 hours.  (TWSS.  Snicker.)



These pictures of Eli just chillin' on Shawn never get old.  Especially when his yummy belly is hanging out.  I hope they recreate this picture some day... in like, 30 years.



So, my job sent me to Boston to work at the Boston Calling Music Festival - and it was pretty fantastic.  First time I had ever been there and the longest I had ever been away from Eli.  The plane ride home was, of course, right when my morning sickness hit hard.  Turns out hell is being stuck in a metal tube thousands of feet in the air with morning sickness.



Eli empties our nightstand drawers on a daily - and he'll always check out the pictures of himself as a baby, and it makes my heart smile.



E gives no cuss words about infringing on Toby's space.  Luckily, Toby doesn't seem to mind.



Once upon a time we went to Moab and hiked.  And my husband kept going off the beaten path and taking my baby to giant, death cliffs.  When I wasn't laying on the ground feeling like I was moments away from meeting my Maker, I was screaming at Shawn to get my baby off the damn cliffs. 

(Side note: 'Moab' had originally auto-corrected to 'Moan'..  Shawn read it and said, "Moan, huh?  It's been a while since we've been there."  YOU'RE HILARIOUS, SHAWN.)



We made it to Delicate Arch, and some not-so-cute pictures ensued.



I rest my case.  (Although this picture kind of cracks me up.)



While in Moab, we Googled some lakes we could go to and found one that looked cool.  After driving up a mountain for 47 hours, with not much longer to go before we hit the lake, we ran into snow and couldn't go any further.  Naturally, it didn't stop Shawn from taking his clothes off.



Again, in Moab.  My not-so-subtle attempts to hide my raging pregnancy bloat.



Once upon a time I bought Shawn the gift of jumping out of a plane.  I had actually bought one for myself, and told him that if I wasn't pregnant by then, I'd go with him.  I'm not sure I can adequately describe just HOW thankful I was to be pregnant.  



He made it, and even brought a souvenir down with him.  
(Motion sickness: 1 Shawn: 0)



Remember how my kid was scared of trees and grass, and pretty much anything in nature?  I'm proud to announce that we slowly got him more used to grass, and now we can't keep him out of it.



Turns out Eli doesn't mind fireworks all that much.



He still hasn't quite grasped that we don't touch fire.



Although he didn't seem to mind the fireworks - he was so, so tired and was pretty much done with being awake in general.




I had a doctor's appointment, and thought his umbrella stroller was in the trunk, but of course it wasn't.  I put him in this stroller instead, and he looked like he was sitting on the baby that was SUPPOSED to be in there.  Dude is huge.



Haircut #2.  We made a pretty handsome fella.  (Which is incredibly relieving, after spending my entire pregnancy worrying about what kind of ugliness our genes could potentially create.)



Much to Shawn's approval, our child LOVES balls.  And I really hate typing that out, or saying it out loud, because it really just sounds wrong.  But, seriously.  Basketballs, golf balls, bouncy balls, soccer balls, pretty much any circle he sees - he loves.  Hell, he's even pointed at the moon and said "BALL!"  During sacrament meeting, he'll sit and scream "BALL! BALL! BALL! BAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!" because he can see the basketball hoop in the back.  Anyways, you probably can't even really tell, but you can see the top of his head toward the middle - and to the right of him, he's sleeping with his arm over his basketball.  Dude. Loves. Balls.



So, I HAVE already posted this picture on the internet when we announced #2 is on the way... What you didn't see is the other priceless pictures we didn't post.















Pretty great, right?  Tell us how you really feel, Eli.



We end up sitting in the hall during most sacrament meetings - partly to avoid Eli screaming BALL all through the meeting, partly because it's just easier to let him crawl around in the hall, and partly because it's like, 20 degrees cooler in the hall.  He'll go crawl by complete strangers and just stare at them.  Then he'll start saying "Hi.  Hi.  Hi.  Hi.  Hi." until they notice him and say hi back, and I love it.



Parenting, for the win.



Sometimes it's so hard no to abuse the power that phones/technology have over kids, you know, to maybe shut them up for a little bit.  I'm not even going to kind of pretend that I'm not guilty of making a tantrum go away with YouTube.  Speaking of winning at parenting.



My little sister is getting married in October.  WHAT?  (And this is us being the peanut gallery for her to model wedding dresses for.)



I told Shawn to get behind the cupcake and look excited - and this is what I got.  I should really just stop pretending that I know how to take pictures.



This dude gets into pretty much every cupboard and drawer that he can.  And if he can literally get INTO it, then he's a happy camper.



Shawn saw this picture and said, "That's provocative."  (He chainsawed the crap out of three GIGANTIC pine trees in our front yard.)



Shawn pretty much does anything he can to ensure that Eli continues loving sports.




Even if it means giving him a golf club twice his size.



So, the stroller/cart things at RC Willey are pretty much the funnest.  I want a me-sized one.



I honestly don't even remember this picture, but Shawn said, "You aren't going to put the hamburger picture in there?"  So, uh, here's my kid sitting on a hamburger.



This is pretty much what I feel like doing every day of my life.



We were planning to go to dinner with my family one night, and someone had the bright idea to go to Golden Corral - so we did.  Worst. Idea. Ever.  I seriously don't remember Golden Corral being NEARLY as bad as it was.  All their food was crusty and stinky.  We were sure we were all leaving that place with diarrhea for days and some kind of disease.  Shawn was hell-bent on getting his money out of the place, soooooo, he took all the gummy bears to go.  Speaking of diarrhea.



I realize that most of these pictures are of this kid - and that gets totally annoying.  But, I kind of don't really care.  So, there.



We went glamping in Capitol Reef, and this was the view from our room.  Not too shabby.  Also, those guys pretty much melt my heart.  (Which, on a semi related note, who decided that your heart melting was a GOOD thing?)



A hike in Capitol Reef.  And, once again, Shawn dangling my only child off a death cliff. 



The sun is fun.



These popsicles are everything.  E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.



Another picture of my kid being adorable.



And another one.



Aaaaand another one.  (Shirt Related: The other thing he loves, almost as much as balls, is the mother fluffing MINIONS.  He calls them "ba bas" because of that banana song that they sing (the ba ba ba ba ba na na.. BA BA BA BA BA NA NA... POTATOOOOOOO.)  He'll seriously wake up in the morning, and the first thing out of his mouth will be "BA BA?!"  Luckily we're making some good progress away from the Minions, and towards pretty Disney princesses.)



Eli is a huge fun of swimming.  Although his face in this picture may not be very indicative of said love of swimming, it sure is amusing.



Shawn insists on popping Eli's collar, because nothing's cuter than a fun-sized douche baby.  (All the eye rolls.)


Oh, and this is baby girl's very first outfit - picked out by Shawn.  I was looking at carseats for Eli, and he just randomly disappeared with  Eli, and came back holding the dress (and a BYU shirt for Eli, of course).  My ovaries exploded a little.



Stay tuned for the video version coming when I feel like taking the time to upload 900 videos to YouTube.  Which will likely be never.