Monday, December 7, 2015

Pregnancy Stuff & Things

So, I know it's been forever since I've actually blogged, and not just photo dumped.  It's certainly not for a lack of trying.  It's just an overall general lack of motivation and energy to actually finish a post.  I have drafts fo' days, yo.  Admittedly, this particular draft has been sitting in my box for a few weeks.  It'll likely take me a few more weeks to even finish it - you know, between catering to all of Eli's rampant wants and needs before he flies off the handle, keeping trying to keep the house clean, runnings errands, and sitting on my arse, doing absolutely nothing.

Anyways, I figure I should probably write down some pregnancy things - and what's this blog, if not for oversharing tales of being knocked up.  You know how people will joke about how women have to repress memories of certain pregnancy symptoms, otherwise they'd never want to do it again?  Or maybe that's not a thing.  Whatever.  In any case, I feel like there's several things about my last pregnancy that I must have repressed, because it wasn't until they happened again with this pregnancy that I was like, "Oh yeah.  This is a thing."  Some of them are things I figured would obviously happen, but they somehow have seemed so much worse this time around.  Curious what those things are?  Read on, my friends.  (Spoiler Alert: There will be 'gina talk at some point.  Because, hello.  Haters, proceed with caution.)


1. Fatigue



I remember being pretty tired when I was pregnant with Eli.  I do not remember being so blasted tired that I couldn't pick myself off the floor.  During the first trimester, I would literally just lay on the floor while Eli played around me.  Chores would go undone for weeks.  Any ounce of energy to do anything but nap had been completely zapped from my system.  The progesterone shots I was on for the first trimester likely didn't help the situation at all.  But, in any event, it was pretty dang brutal.  A short time after I had entered the second trimester, I got the most magical burst of energy and felt like a brand new person.  Chores got (mostly) done.  Eli had a mom that actually interacted with him, instead of being a giant, lifeless jungle gym to crawl all over.  I even showered a few times.  It was truly glorious.  Since then, I've had multiple waves of fatigue that come and go.  These days, the tiredness is likely from my poor, out of shape body, having to haul around my enormous, out of shape ass around.  Just kidding.  I'm totally in shape.  And that shape is round.


2.  Heartburn & Acid Reflux


The first time I ever experienced heartburn or acid reflux was when I was pregnant with Eli.  Waking up because you're choking on your own stomach acid is certainly a whole new fresh hell - and this pregnancy has been no different in that aspect.  Before about 5 seconds ago, I would've sworn that my heartburn started way earlier with this pregnancy than it did with Eli.  But as I've looked back, it looks like it started pretty much around the same time.  

I started out with my huge, Costco-sized drum of Tums and those quickly became about as effective as swallowing pieces of chalk.  (And then there was the one time I came upstairs to find Eli sitting in an enormous pile of Tums, because those lids are so not child-proof.  Mom points.  Thus making, "Will Tums kill my kid" a permanent part of my ridiculous Google search history.  Hint: They don't.)  I finally started taking Zantac again, which helped a lot more than just Tums.  I was, and occasionally still am, having to fall asleep sitting straight up though, otherwise I'd wake up choking on stuff creeping back up my esophagus.  At one point, I consulted with Dr. Google about foods to avoid to help ease heartburn.  Want to know what it said?  "Foods to Avoid: EVERYTHING YOU EFFING LOVE."  True story.  

A few weeks ago I finally asked my doctor if there was any other drug that was a little more powerful than Zantac, because even that wasn't quite cutting it this time around.  They had me try Prilosec, and I wish I would have learned about that majestic medicine a lot sooner.  It's like Zantac on steroids.  Three cheers for drugs!  I'll still occasionally get garbage floating back up my throat, but I would imagine that's more due to my blatant disregard for which foods I should avoid.  Although, there truly are times where simply a glass of water causes a flare up.  So, eh.  And while I'm aware the old wives' tale that heartburn = a head full of hair is just that, an old wives' tale - I can't help but hope the fact that my heartburn has seemed so much worse this time around, that baby girl will have some hair.  At the very least, good hair like her brother.


3. Bending Over

Yeah, I'm not even going to try Googling "Bending Over GIF".  

While bending over isn't actually a symptom of pregnancy, per se - it's something I don't feel like I did nearly as much of when I was pregnant with Eli.  And now I'll explain why that shouldn't sound nearly as awkward as it does: When I was pregnant the first time, I didn't have to pick up after a small human tornado-ing every toy he owns from hell to breakfast all day, every day.  Not to mention having to bend over to pick up said "small" human.  Obviously it wasn't a huge deal when I didn't have much of a baby bump.  But, at 34+ weeks, there's definitely a bump there - and it most definitely gets in the way.  Any more, I have to squat to pick things up, which is fine and all, except that because I'm so in shape, my body is like, "Um, lady, why are we doing squats?"  Not to mention that when I squat, I feel like my crotch is gaping wide open and the baby is just going to fall out.  (As if childbirth could ever be that simple.)   And because bending over isn't enough of a hassle, it also makes my heartburn even worse.  Nothing like a little encouragement from our good friend gravity to send all the stomach acid chunks hurling upwards.  Sometimes I feel like a lazy idiot when I ask Shawn to pick stuff up for me.  Then there's days, like the other day, when I go to the store, and Eli manages to grab something off a shelf and lob it clear down to the end of the aisle and another woman offers to pick it up for me, because she knows.  Then I feel understood and just a tiny bit less ridiculous.


4. Sex

Pregnancy be like:

Yeah, you knew I'd go there.  Fortunately for all, I won't be super detailed.  But I certainly don't remember intimate times being quite so uncomfortable and awkward when I was pregnant with Eli.  Sure, it was obviously a little bit more... challenging - but not impossible.  The heartburn and baby bump have been the biggest culprits this time around.  Nothing kills the mood quite as fast as feeling like you're about to puke stomach acid all over the place.  A few weeks ago Shawn and I were determined to get it on.  After taking a significant amount of time to try and make things comfortable and then completely failing in a major way, Shawn just looked at me and said, "You know, I'm good.  You good?"  I agreed that I was good.  We high-fived, laughed, and figured we'd have better luck next time.  And we did.  Mostly.


5. Drooling



I don't know what on Earth it is, but I drool insane amounts when I'm napping and pregnant.  I usually wake up on a saliva-soaked pillow.  (And then, apparently, I sometimes take pictures of my pool of drool.)  But, seriously.  It doesn't happen at night.  Just when I'm napping.  It happened with Eli as well - just one of those things I forgot even happened.  (In semi, but mostly un-related news: Pictured above is my Snoogle and 900 other pillows I sleep with.  But Snoogles, while totally a ridiculous amount of money - are so worth it.  If you're pregnant and don't have one, Google it and get one.)


6. Dreams


So, I think it's pretty common knowledge that "vivid dreams" are a pregnancy thing.  And that is no joke.  It was definitely a thing with Eli.  But it never occurs to me just how vivid the dreams get until I'm growing a person.  And they're always either so random and weird.  Or way too realistic.  Unfortunately, I've never been one to remember my dreams very well (unless it's the morning after), which means this particular paragraph won't be nearly as entertaining as it probably could be.  But one dream in particular that I remember having is that I was on The Bachelor, and I was getting ready to leave the show, because the Bachelor was a moron and I was bored.  (Not to mention, I'm pretty sure I knew I was married in the dream.)  Anyways, "Rose Ceremony" time came along - and I was full on prepared to reject the rose, when the roses suddenly turned into donuts.  The Bachelor called my name and said, "Chelsea, do you accept this donut?"  And I wanted a donut SO BAD in my dream, so I stayed.  The end.  Pregnancy is so bizarre.  (Also, donuts.  NOOOOOOM.)


7. Swelling


Now, I hesitate to say this, because I don't particularly want to jinx myself.  But, so far, I haven't swollen nearly as bad as I did with Eli.  That said, my swelling with him started to get pretty bad around 34 weeks, and that's where I'm at now - so, we'll see what happens in the next several weeks.  I did try to zip up my hooker boots a few weeks ago, and they wouldn't zip up all the way - which was my first sign with Eli that the swelling was coming.  But, my feet still look mostly normal - so now I don't know if my legs are swollen, or I'm just fat.  *Whimper*  One thing that is swelling that I really don't remember being happening with Eli is my freaking VAGINA.  It's just a puffy, hot damn mess down there.  Like, Macy's Day Parade status.  I'm constantly worried that it's just going to morph into perm-crotch puff.  And one of my worst nightmares of getting fat is having to sport the crotch tire.  No one wants that.  No one.  The good news now is that my belly is big enough that I can't even see down there anymore.  So, it's almost like it's not there.  Almost.


8. Charlie Horses


I have never had a charlie horse in my calf until I got pregnant.  I had them with Eli, and it's definitely a symptom I did my best to forget about, because those things hurt like a B.  The other night I stretched in the middle of the night, and I instantly knew I had gone too far and started yelling, "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!" Because I knew what was about to happen.  Sure enough, my leg started cramping and I was sure I was going to die from the pain.  (You might recall just how terrible my pain tolerance is.  As in, I don't have any.  I don't tolerate pain.  At all.)  Shawn wakes up from a dead sleep, totally panicked, asking me if I'm having a baby because of all the groaning and shrieks of death pain.  I tell him my leg is about to fall off, and knowing what's actually happening, he tells me to try massaging my leg, so, I did.  Which was the worst idea ever.  Because then I got two more charlie horses on top of one another.  I was screaming at Shawn for trying to kill me with his terrible massage suggestions.  Crying because it hurt so effing much.  Thrashing around in the bed because I couldn't even handle it.  I'm a baby, I know.  But shi got real that night.  A couple days later, Shawn and I were sitting there, and he had a brief wince of barely-there pain and just goes, "Oof."  I'm like, "What?"  And he was like, "Oh, just a leg cramp."  And I was like:




9. Weight Gain


Okay, so I get that when you're pregnant you gain weight.  You're growing a person.  It's a thing.  And it's okay.  But nothing really seems to quite prepare me for just how high those numbers are going to go.  I always tell myself that I'm just not going to look at the scale when I go in for doctor appointments.  Yet somehow I always manage to look down at the numbers.  And I always find myself wanting to scream, "WHY AREN'T THE NUMBERS STOPPING?  THEY'RE STILL GOING?  WHY?!"  Then I start mentally adding up how much all my clothes weigh.  Because surely I couldn't weigh that much.  (And seriously, who's the genius that decided it was a good idea to take a pregnant woman's blood pressure AFTER she steps on the scale?)  One week my doctor said to me, "Now, I'm not concerned about your weight, it's fine - but let's try and stabilize it."  And of course all I heard was, "Whoa, let's take it easy there, tubby."  Yeah, okay.  Let me just go ahead and stabilize my weight through Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  She went on, "Stay away from sugar and too many carbs.  Eat lots of protein.  Just eat like you'd normally eat if you weren't pregnant."  All good advice, except for the the whole, "eat like you'd normally eat if you weren't pregnant".  If only she knew.  Also, as fate would have it, all the "snacks" that are supposedly good protein-filled snacks, I hate.  So, that's fun.

Recently, I've felt extra huge.  And not even in the cute, pregnant way.  But in the huge, beached whale way.  And I don't say that to get the pitied, "AW, YOU LOOK GREAT" comments.  Because you can tell me that until the cows come home, but it still isn't going to stop the inevitable multitude of meltdowns that happen in my closet because all 87 outfits I've tried on look terrible.  Speaking of meltdowns... 

10. Hormones



Ah, hormones.  The undying reality of pregnancy.  And womanhood, really.  But pregnancy puts those hormones on steroids and, if you're me, you become a crazy, irritable basket case.  One thing that I know is different from my first pregnancy, is that I'm a lot more hot-tempered with this one.  Unfortunately for everyone living in my house, I lose my cool waaaaay more than I ever did the first time around.  And it's usually over completely ridiculous things.  Like clothes not fitting.  Or the dog sitting in the wrong place.  Or Shawn waking me up in the middle of the night because I'm snoring.   Or not knowing what I want for dinner.  A lot of times, the anger will eventually morph into a complete snot and tears meltdown.  A lot of the time it's because I feel so guilty for losing my temper with Eli, and feeling like the worst mom on the planet.  And then I start second-guessing how I'm ever going to have the mental capacity and patience to raise two small people.  And it just spirals from there.  Fortunately, I'm usually able to snap out of it - whether that's with a sandwich, a nap, or my husband, bless his heart, talking me off the ledge. 


All in all, this pregnancy has been good to me.  I'm extremely grateful to have the chance to be pregnant again (and with what I can only assume will be the most adorable girl ever.)  There are many women who have had it a lot harder than I have, so I feel like I can't complain too much.  Especially when this may or may not be the last time I'm able to be pregnant.  It's definitely a whole new experience to be pregnant when you already have a kid, which is maybe why things have seemed so much more intense this time around.  I just hope Eli isn't too disappointed when he realizes I haven't just been hiding a ball under my shirt all this time.

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