Monday, July 31, 2017

Threenagers, amiright?

So, because my memory is about as effective as sandpaper toilet paper, I've been keeping track of some of the amusing things that Eli has said in the past year or so on my phone.  Some of them are back from when he was two - but most of them are from more recently.  And because blogs are forever and surely you have enough time and desire to continue reading my blog, I'm putting it here as well for your viewing pleasure. So, if you've ever wanted a glimpse of what it's like to live with my 3 year-old and what a superb mother I am, read on.


Eli: "Mom, will you print me something?"
Mom: "Not right now."
Eli: "Okay, fine. I'll just talk to the printer and ask."
Eli: "Printer, will you please send me a picture?"
Eli: "Printer? Please? I want a picture."

*8 minutes later*

Eli, hysterically crying: "PRINTER! WILL YOU SEND ME A PICTURE?! I JUST WANT A PICTURE. 😭"

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Mom, kissing Eli goodnight: "Love you, buddy."
Eli: "Mom, you have a mustache."

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Scene: Literally any time we're in public and Eli senses that he's in trouble.
Eli: "Don't hurt me!"

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Scene: Eli has sprayed bathroom cleaner all over his wall and carpet with Grace sleeping in the next room.

Mom, "whisper yelling" to avoid waking Grace up: "Why did you do that? You know that's naughty! 😡"
Eli: "Um, mom? Are you the Hulk?"

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Mom: "Johnny Johnny?"
Eli: "Yes, papa?"
Mom: "Eating sugar?"
Eli: "Yep."

(If you haven't had the pleasure of hearing YouTube Kids for hours on end, this one won't click. I mean.  My kids don't watch YouTube.  Cough.)

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Anytime a long-haired, bearded man is on the TV:
Eli: "Mom! Mom! Look, IT'S JESUS!"

Example: We were watching the newer Jungle Book, Eli sees the dad and says, "It's Jesus! The tiger ate Jesus!"

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Scene: Dad and Eli are kicking a ball outside and dad kicks it clear to the top of a pine tree where it gets stuck.

Dad: "We'll have to say a prayer that Heavenly Father will send some wind and blow your ball down from the tree."
Eli: "Okay!"

Next morning:

Eli: "MOM! JESUS SENT THE WIND"

And sure enough, the ball blew down from the tree later that day. 

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Scene: Eli stole the remote and hid it while we were watching something.

Mom: "Eli, get the remote and bring it back, please."
Eli: "Hehehehehehehehe. I can't!"
Dad: "Just bring back the remote."
Eli: "Nope! 😏"

This exchange repeated for 5 minutes.

Mom: "If you don't bring the remote back, I'm going to spank your butt."
Eli: "Okay, mom! Spank me!"
Eli: "Mom! Spank me! Just spank me!"
Dad: "You want to be spanked?"
Eli: "Yeah!"
Dad: "Then go get the remote."

And he did.

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Eli: "Mom, I'm so excited to go on a nice holiday."
Eli: "Let's pack for our nice holiday!"
Eli: "I just really want to go on a nice holiday."

(Shout out to Peppa Pig for teaching my kid to talk like he's British.)

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Scene: Eli's taken his pants and underwear off after I've told him 900 million times not to.

Mom: "Go upstairs and get your pants so we can put them back on."
Eli: "No. I don't want to."
Mom: "Please just go get your pants."
Eli: "No. I want to be naked."
Mom: "Do you want to be spanked on your bare bum?"
Eli: "Whatever. I'll just pee on you."

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Mom: "Eli, you're going to time out if you keep hurting Grace."
Eli: "Hmmph. My dad will fight you!"

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Scene: We're about to walk into my aunt's house, which Eli isn't super familiar with, for Easter.

Eli: "Mom, I'm not sure about this. I think this house is probably haunted."

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Eli: "I want Mac & Cheese for lunch!"
Mom: *Makes Mac & Cheese*
Mom: *Hands his Majesty a bowl of M&C*
Eli: *Full blown meltdown*
Eli: "I WANTED CEREAL!"

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Scene: Eli going to sit on the toilet, notices he's got a bit of shrinkage going on.

Eli: "Mom! My penis is stuck in my butt!"

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Eli, walking over to his kitchen, stopped, heavy sighed, and said, "Damnit."

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Eli: "Come catch me!"
Mom: "I can't. I'm too slow."
Eli: "You're fast enough."

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Scene: Built a play kitchen for Eli for his 3rd birthday, and he was seeing it for the first time.

Eli: "Wooooooooooooow! It's a cooking machine!"

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Scene: Mom had just gotten undressed to get in the shower and was about to step in.

Eli: "Mom! You have a fuzzy, let me get it for you."
Mom: "Dude, I don't have a fuzzy on me. Where?"
Eli, pointing at Mom's crotch: "ON YOUR BUTT!"

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Scene: Mom feeling sorry for herself that everyone is effortlessly getting pregnant and she can't.

Eli: "Dad, we need to go get mom some flowers. She's sad."

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Scene: We're at church and it's time for the Sacrament. Eli's being a buttmunch and misses the bread. 

Eli, screaming: "WHERE IS THE BREAD?! WHERE IS THE BREEEEEAAAAAAD?! I WANT THE BREAD!"

Mom & Dad: *Failed attempts to try and get him to be quiet*

Eli: "LEAVE ME ALOOONE! 😤"

Later, during the closing prayer, I'm rubbing his back and Eli yells, "STOP SCRATCHING MY BUTT."

We're in the back, and there's not many little kids in our ward, and as we looked up, we could just see people's shoulders going up and down from laughing.

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Eli: "Mom, I pooped hard. I'm super strong."

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Few weeks before Halloween ('16):

Eli, knocking on his door after waking up in the morning: "Trick or treat! Trick or treat! Trick or treat!"

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Eli: "Mom, I love you so much. You're my princess."

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Eli: "Hey Dad, where are the tickets?"
Dad: "What tickets?"
Eli: "The soccer tickets."
Dad: "I don't have any soccer tickets, buddy."
Eli: "Okay, dad. Well how about you go back to work and don't come back until you have soccer tickets."
Dad: "Uh. 😳"

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Eli: "Dad, you're my hero."

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Eli: "I want to buy some candy."
Dad: "We don't have money to buy candy, bud."
Eli: "Just use the credit card."
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Scene: Mom locked herself in the bathroom, because kids.

Eli, through door crack: "Mom, when are you coming out?"
Mom: "In a little bit."
Eli: "But you need to come out now! Because you're my best mom."

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Eli: "My sister is sleeping in your tummy?"
Me: "Yep!"
Eli: "Why did you eat her, mom?"

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Eli: *Blatantly coughs on mom without covering mouth*
Mom: "Gross, Eli. That's not very polite."
Eli: "Mom, may I please cough on you?"

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Scene: Eli's playing on indoor playground while waiting to get his haircut.

Eli, to another kid: "Will you play with me?"
Other kid: "Um, no."
Eli: "NOT ON MY WATCH!"
Eli: *Continues harassing kid to play with him*

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This kid.